Dad jokes - add yours

[gokangas]

I prefer sex with the lights off.
It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

 

[kool kangas]

 

[Frank Thring]

This Fred would be 27 pages shorter if not for double ups! I've even posted slightly different versions of the same joke twice, not remembering that I'd ever heard it before, let alone shared it on here already!!

Yes yes you have

 

[D23D]

 

[D23D]

 

[gokangas]

Me: It was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him.
St.Peter: Then what happened?

 

[DERRINALPHIL]

Can I say that I look up this thread every so often and enjoy the jokes.

I worry a bit as I start at the first page and cannot remember reading them before.

 

[Twinkletoes]

Can I say that I look up this thread every so often and enjoy the jokes.

I worry a bit as I start at the first page and cannot remember reading them before.

See you in the Grumpy Old thread.

 

[Orange Peanut]

My wife texted me "Wish you were here"

She was at the cemetery.

 

[gokangas]

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a meal. Teach a man to fish and he'll drink beer forever.

 

[gokangas]

My wife just opened my car door for me. It would have been a nice gesture if we hadn’t been going 100kmh.

 

[gokangas]

I just want everyone to know that due to staffing issues caused by covid, long haired freaky people can now apply. (For those old enough to remember).

 

[big_e]

My kid your me this one yesterday

Knock knock

Who's there?

Ho ho

Ho ho who?

You really need to work on you Santa impression.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth."

Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.

The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "Damn, I should have taken the money."

 

[chairo]

Apparently this is scientifically the funniest joke on the planet:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

 

[chairo]

My mate came top in a dungaree-wearing competition, so I suppose you could say he was the overall winner.

 

[chairo]

My mate is a pretty good ventriloquist. Even if he says so himself.

 

[gokangas]

My sex life is like a Ferrari. I don’t have a Ferrari.

 

[Rod Stroker]

View attachment 1291158

OK, I've looked at this for ages... a fly in a Chinese restaurant, reading the menu and saying "I'll have a number 2"... I don't get the gag?

 

[D23D]

OK, I've looked at this for ages... a fly in a Chinese restaurant, reading the menu and saying "I'll have a number 2"... I don't get the gag?

Flies love eating poo, hence choosing the number 2!

 

[Mav]

OK, I've looked at this for ages... a fly in a Chinese restaurant, reading the menu and saying "I'll have a number 2"... I don't get the gag?

A number 2 is a poo. Flys like poo.

 

[kool kangas]

 

[Lomas]

OK, I've looked at this for ages... a fly in a Chinese restaurant, reading the menu and saying "I'll have a number 2"... I don't get the gag?

Your inner six year old is face palming right now.

 

[Lomas]

View attachment 1295303

I googled for an image of cans doing the can can, to one up this. Interwebs let me down. Do better younger, 'creative' generation!

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea at least once a year.

That means one person enjoys it!