Dad jokes - add yours

[gokangas]

My wife said if I don’t get off the computer and put the garbage out she’s going to slam my head on the keyboard but I think she’s full of shi4VFXXCJLTCHGEBBHgfbvdGghj6),45$SNONBVRBN-)@CoFz$!$&gHHGVKIGFNJ6?.£ahcUIHV

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

My wife said if I don’t get off the computer and put the garbage out she’s going to slam my head on the keyboard but I think she’s full of shi4VFXXCJLTCHGEBBHgfbvdGghj6),45$SNONBVRBN-)@CoFz$!$&gHHGVKIGFNJ6?.£ahcUIHV

Don't even joke about this...



I ignored the threat and whatever it was that got thrown at me knocked the F4 key to oblivion including the little plastic things that hold the key on - they were destroyed

PS: Most of the time the cat sits on the keyboard as well.

 

[gokangas]

Husband usually works late on a Thursday but comes home early this one. Wife not home.
She arrives - where you been?
I've been to Bingo.
Thats a new perfume isn't it?
Yes, ummmmm- I won it at Bingo.
Nice. Two weeks later he is home early again. Same thing. She is late.
Where have you been?
I've been to Bingo.
Thats a new necklace isn't it?
Ummmm, yes.
Where'd you get that? I won it at Bingo.
Two weeks later, same again.
Where have you been?
I've been to Bingo.
Thats a new coat, isn't it?
Yes, I won it at Bingo. Can you do me a favour and run me a bath?
He does - your baths ready, he calls out!
She walks into the bathroom.
Whats happening - you only have an inch of water in the bath?
Yep, he says - I didn't want you to get your Bingo ticket wet.

 

[Bertie22]

What is an astronaut’s favourite part of a computer?

The space bar.

​

 

[Orange Peanut]

What is an astronaut’s favourite part of a computer?

The space bar.

​

Now that is a dad joke. Bravo!

 

[Mav]

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis talking about how bad their lives were.

The cucumber says, "My life is terrible! When I get big and hard they chop me up and put me in a salad!!"

The pickle says, "That's nothing! When I get big and hard, they stick my in a jar full of vinegar and vacuum seal me!"

The penis says, "My life is the worst! When I get big and hard they put a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!!!

 

[andana]

Past, present and future go into a bar.

It was tense.

 

[kool kangas]

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[andana]

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?



Claus trophobia

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

My son has been eating electrical cords. My partner said, we need to ground him until he conducts himself better.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

I'm never donating blood again, they ask too many intrusive questions.

Why is it in a bucket?
Where did you get it from?
Who's blood is it?

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

This isn't a joke, but it is an ideal picture to stare at to get the 3D effect that you used to see in pictures being sold in shopping centres back in the 90s. This has no hidden image but if you get the death stare right it becomes amazingly clear and appears to be sunk back into your monitor. Give it a go.

 

[andana]

What is the favourite food of echidnas?

Prickled onions

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[Thndr]

Why do norwegian navy boats have barcodes on them ?

So when they return to port they can scandinavian .........

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[gokangas]

Just saw a guy holding a parcel wrapped in Christmas paper in the queue at the post office. Mate, if that gift isn’t for someone who works at this post office, good luck.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

I've always been terrible at geography. But I can name one city in France. Which is Nice.

 

[SonofSamsquanch]

I was out drinking with my mates after work last Friday, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed 18 missed calls from my wife.






Is she insecure or what?! That's an average of 6 calls a day!