Dad jokes - add yours

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An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the pr0n channel...

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: “For god’s sake! Leave it on the pr0n channel. You already know how to fish!”
 
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“No, what?” replies the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. ” He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first…”
 
When you realize that waiting for the waiter makes you the waiter.
 

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Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was. It was a complete guess, but I was right.
 
What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
 
To be frank, I'd have to change my name.
 
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.
 
Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year's Eve—it's December 31.
 
At the beginning of the year, I made a resolution to lose 15 kilos. Only 20 more to go!
 
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last a golfer with real balls!!"

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth honey and show the dentist.”
 

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For anyone that is on Twitter this is a pretty funny thread:

 
I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, but I just don't know why.

On CPH2069 using BigFooty.com mobile app
 
koshari said:
Straight from the Xmas bonbons ferbs?
Click to expand...
No unfortunately. We're at the in-laws but we were supposed to bring them and forgot. I was using this thread as a replacement and dad in law added those two.

On CPH2069 using BigFooty.com mobile app
 
As I saw my naked body in the mirror I suddenly realised that they were about to kick me out of IKEA.

On CPH2069 using BigFooty.com mobile app
 
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