Pregnancy & Parenting Dad Jokes

[bresker]

What do you call a man with 50 seagulls and a car on his head?

Cliffford

 

[lmach]

Insert one of the below jokes ever time I drove past a cemetery with my Dad.

Did you know thats the dead centre of town?

Dad: Do you know I can't be buried there?
Me: Really? Why?
Dad: I'm not dead.

People are dying to get in there.

How many people do you think are dead in there?


All of them.

 

[Plugger35]

My Dad always did the dead centre of town joke when we drove past cemeteries too, must be in the standard issue Dad joke book.

 

[passionate81]

A classic.

Kid: I'm hungry
Dad: Hi Hungry, i'm (insert name here).

Use this one all the time, but usually continues on with

Kid: Dad, I'm serious
Dad: I thought you were hungry?
Kid: aaaarrrggghhh!! your kidding me
Dad: No I'm dad

 

[SugarShane]

My Dad always did the dead centre of town joke when we drove past cemeteries too, must be in the standard issue Dad joke book.

Pretty sure all Dad's get issued that one after their first kid is born.

My old man used to love it too. He was also very fond of "That's the most popular place in town... People are dying to get in." I don't think we ever made it past the cemetery without copping one of them.

 

[Gough]

My old man was never much for the traditional dad jokes, as a Python/Goons fan, most of his humour took the form of excruciating puns. Still does.

 

[Plugger35]

Pretty sure all Dad's get issued that one after their first kid is born.

My old man used to love it too. He was also very fond of "That's the most popular place in town... People are dying to get in." I don't think we ever made it past the cemetery without copping one of them.

Yeah we heard that one a few times too, never got any funnier.

 

[RBW_007]

Where does a king keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

 

[passionate81]

Dad: let's go see "insert movie"
Kid: ok, what's it about?
Dad: about an hour and a half.

Kid: I'm going now, I'll call you later.
Dad: don't call me later, call me dad.

 

[iluvparis]

My old man was never much for the traditional dad jokes, as a Python/Goons fan, most of his humour took the form of excruciating puns. Still does.

Like Notlob?

 

[4evablues]

Daughter: "Hey, dad, I'm running to the store, need anything?"
Dad: "No, I'm good but I really think you should walk, it's pretty far."

 

[SugarShane]

A few more of my Dad's favourites;
"Dad, how long until tea?"
"Oh, about 2 metres."

"How do you feel?"
"With my hands."

"Where are you going?"
"Mad."

 

[I bleed Blue]

Mum: "hunnie, whilst your up could you please put the kettle on"

Dad: "I would but it doesn't fit"

 

[bresker]

Touch your toes then touch your knee then touch your bum.

Who is that?

It's Toe-knee a butt!

Tony Abbott!

 

[Gough]

Just awful and yet strangely compelling at the same time.

 

[Miguel Sanchez]

"I once had a dog with no nose"

"How did it smell?"

"Terrible!"

 

[SugarShane]

Touch your toes then touch your knee then touch your bum.

Who is that?

It's Toe-knee a butt!

Tony Abbott!

Should think about putting an abdomen touch in there.

 

[BotsMaster]

 

[bresker]

Should think about putting an abdomen touch in there.

Kids at school pointed that out to me the other day

 

[St 07]

I went to bed last night dreaming of mufflers, and I woke up exhausted

I tried to tell this joke to a bunch of unemployed people but it didn't work

 

[I bleed Blue]

I swallowed some food colouring last night.

The doctor says I'll be okay, but it feels like I've dyed a little inside.

 

[davo99]

Ok so here is one my dad said the other day. There was a bag of mushrooms near the dishwasher and I said...
Dad is their any space in the dishwasher?
He said there wasn't mushroom left.

 

[Roscoe]

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,
not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

 

[Howard Littlejohn]

My old man was never much for the traditional dad jokes, as a Python/Goons fan, most of his humour took the form of excruciating puns. Still does.

Yeah, I know that one. And I get sucked into it every time still.

 

[raskolnikov]

"oh my god"
"That's okay. You can call me 'insert name'

Whenever one of my students says that to me I always reply, "I'm good but not that good".