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Random Dad Jokes

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A group of golfers ran off to the clubhouse during a severe electrical storm....except one golfer who stayed on the course to play out the hole. When he eventually arrived at the clubhouse the others in his group asked him why he didn't follow safety protocols and come off the course. "Well, I was using a 3:iron and even God can't hit a 3 iron!"
 

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stevie26 said:
A group of golfers ran off to the clubhouse during a severe electrical storm....except one golfer who stayed on the course to play out the hole. When he eventually arrived at the clubhouse the others in his group asked him why he didn't follow safety protocols and come off the course. "Well, I was using a 3:iron and even God can't hit a 3 iron!"
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I've heard this joke but with a 1 iron.

I also know **** all about golf.
 
A family of Collingwood supporters goes out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting. While in Rebel Sports, the son picks up a Geelong footy jumper and says to his 10 year old sister, "Hey Pox Face - I've decided I want to become a Geelong supporter, and I want this for Christmas."

His sister, outraged by this, beats him around the head with her carton of Winfield's and says, "Dickhead - go talk to Mum."

Off goes the little lad with the Geelong jumper stuffed up his T-shirt and says to his Mum, "I've decided I want to become a Geelong supporter, and I want this for Christmas."

His mother is outraged by this, and throws her moccasins and a full bottle of VB at him, punches him in the gob and says, "We'll see about that, you little creep - let's go and talk to your father about it."

Off they go to the local prison during visiting hours, with footy jumper in hand, to find Moose: his toothless and heavily tattooed father.

"Dad?"

"Yeah Knackers?"

"Dad, I've decided to become a Geelong supporter, and I want this for Christmas."

Moose gives his son and almighty backhander and snarls, "No bastard son of mine is ever going to be seen wearing that s**t", and then kicks the young lad's arse from one end of the rec-room to the other, for good measure.

About half an hour later, Mum, daughter and battered son are all back in the rusty old Falcon, headed for home. Mum turns to her son and says, "Well Knackers, have you learnt anything today?"

He says, "I sure have!!!"

"Well, what is it?"

"I've only been a Geelong supporter for a day, and already I hate you Collingwood pricks!!!"
 
Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Aussie Rules, and is suitably impressed. He arranges for him to come over to Collingwood. He's signed to a 1 year contract, and joins the team for the pre season.

Two weeks later, the Magpies are down by 6 goals against Carlton, with only 10 minutes remaining in the last quarter. The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod, and he enters the AFL cauldron for the first time. The kid is a sensation - he kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes, and wins the game for the Magpies!!!

The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star. When the player comes off the ground, he's straight on the phone to his mother, to tell her about his unforgettable first day as an AFL player.

"Hello Mum, guess what. I played for 10 minutes today. We were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won."

"Wonderful", says his Mum. "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I got ambushed and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters - and all while you were having such a great time."

The young Iraqi is very upset, "Mum: I'm so sorry", he says.

"Sorry? You're sorry?", his mother says. "It's your fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!!!!!!!!"
 

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Joke in Adelaide (mainly among Port fans) after the Crows v Swans goal that wasn't - what's the difference between Crows fans and a jumbo jet? The jet eventually stops whining :-).
 
A man is walking along Glenelg beach in Adelaide, when he discovers a lamp, partially buried in the sand. He picks it up and gives it a rub, and out pops a genie who says, "Oh man - you have no idea what it feels like to be out of that thing after 1000 years. To show my gratitude, I'll give you one wish: whatever you want."

The man thinks for a moment and then says, "I want to live forever."

The genie vigorously shakes his head, "Sorry, but I can't grant you eternal life."

The man thinks for a bit longer and then says, "I want to live until Ken Hinkley becomes a premiership coach."

The genie says, "You sly bastard!!!"
 
Just saw a hot new band at the Bat and Ball hotel called Mary and the Sheets. Great cover band.
 

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By the way, if you like the idea of pointless banter, why not join me (and Jewelsbon, who also frequents this thread) in the Sweet FA at the Sin City Swamprats? The new season starts in early February, and the basic idea is that there's a match thread starting Tuesday, where we talk crap with opposition posters until the simulated game, which gets posted on Sunday afternoon. If this appeals to you, please let me know. Thanks.
 
Bandicoot said:
If it wasn't so serious, it would be a joke.
A couple of days ago, petrol was selling in Ballarat at $1.639 yet down the highway at Melton (which is an outer suburb of Melbourne) it was selling for $2.339. 70 cents a litre dearer for the same thing.
Yet, the politicians tell us that there is no petrol price gouging going on.
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I was reading this for a punchline [emoji1787]

On SM-S908E using BigFooty.com mobile app
 
What’s the difference between a pineapple and a Volvo driver ? With a pineapple, the pricks are on the outside.
 
A battalion of soldiers is deep inside a South African jungle, when they come to a crocodile-infested river. The officer in charge calls for a volunteer to take a rope and swim across the river, climb the nearest tree and tie it to an overhead branch - thus enabling the rest of the men to make their way across safely. Naturally the request is met with a fair degree of opposition, like, "I'm too young to die", and "I have a wife and kids back home who need me."

Finally a young corporal steps forward and says, "OK I'll do it." He strips down to his bare essentials, then takes the rope and starts swimming across the river. To the astonishment of the onlookers, the crocodiles aren't coming anywhere near him. He gets to the other side, and climbs the nearest tree to attach the rope.

Once everyone is safely across, the young corporal is an instant hero: plenty of slaps on the back, and even a suggestion that he should receive a bravery medal. But the officer in charge is suspicious - he says to him, "Have you got body odour, soldier?"

The corporal smiles and says, "No sir, it's like this - I've got 'WEST COAST EAGLES FOR AFL PREMIERS 2024' tattooed on my bum, and not even a crocodile would swallow that!!!"
 
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