Random Dad Jokes

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

Who can drink 5 litres of petrol with out being sick?


Jerry can.

 

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

As a mathematician, I'm going to have to correct you.

The joke goes.... there are 3 types of mathematicians. Those who can count and those who can't.

It's a self depreciating joke.

Hey, I said i was a mathematician not a wordsmith.

Fair fair. As a mathematician, do you know how to fit 100 maths teachers in a room that only holds 99 ?



You carry the 1.

 

[GoTheSwannies]

Continuing the mathematical theme. I'm not a mathematician btw, just didn't want the truth to get in the way of a bad joke

Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!"

 

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

I am still very much looking forward to Bedford posting in this thread. Think it will be a hoot. GUH would light up this thread as well.

 

[Cuzz09]

What do you call a group of pigs?

pigs

On SM-S908E using BigFooty.com mobile app

 

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

I’m tipping Glass Coffins will revolutionise the funeral industry.

I know, I know, remains to be seen.

 

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

My wife said I could never make a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

 

[SydneyBlood]

Reminded of the following after reading Jack's "out of the purple" joke in another thread ...

A Polish guy goes to the optometrist for a check-up. The optometrist says " can you read the bottom line?" ... "Read it?" says the Polish guy, "that's my cousin!"

EDIT: Typo

 

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock jokes ?

He won the no-bell prize.

 

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

What’s the difference between North Melb and a fireman ?

A fireman can climb a ladder.

 

[Callipygian]

What’s the difference between North Melb and a fireman ?

A fireman can climb a ladder.

I have a feeling that is your own work.

 

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

I heard some noise upstairs so I went into the bedroom to check.

I found a group of men stuffing a lion and a witch into the wardrobe

I yelled: "hey, what on earth do you think you’re doing?!"

One of the men yelled back: "Narnia business!"

 

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

My wife complained to me the other day that I never buy her flowers.

Not my fault, I never realised she sold them in the first place !

 

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

How do you become Norfs number one ticket holder ?

By buying a membership.

 

[Crust]

The bloke who invented fairy bread died.
At his funeral hundreds and thousands attended.

 

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

The bloke who invented fairy bread died.
At his funeral hundreds and thousands attended.

But was there any Crust ?

 

[Crust]

But was there any Crust ?

Whenever I saw him he cut me off.

 

[RubbaDuck]

As a mathematician, I'm going to have to correct you.

The joke goes.... there are 3 types of mathematicians. Those who can count and those who can't.

It's a self depreciating joke.

Hey, I said i was a mathematician not a wordsmith.

You're clearly not a wordsmith GTW. You mean self deprecating. Self depreciating is when you let yourself go.

 

[RubbaDuck]

My wife complained to me the other day that I never buy her flowers.

Not my fault, I never realised she sold them in the first place !

A newly wed couple have their first big argument at breakfast. He leaves for work, slamming the door.
He feels terrible about the argument, so on the way home he buys a big bunch of flowers
She opens the door and seeing the flowers any resentment immediately falls away
"Oh honey, that's sweet. I'm so sorry we argued"
"No it's me who should be sorry. Let's never argue again"
She kisses him playfully. She begins to undress, slowly, teasing. She lies back on the sofa, her eyes never leaving his as she opens her legs wide and smiles at him.
"Wow, what's this for?" he stammers
"For the flowers silly" she giggles
"Haven't we got a vase?"

 

[RubbaDuck]

Not really a dad joke I know. My kids have forbidden dad jokes

 

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

What’s the difference between a thief and a pimp? A thief snatches watches.

 

[GoTheSwannies]

You're clearly not a wordsmith GTW. You mean self deprecating. Self depreciating is when you let yourself go.

I must sincerely apologise, not for my poor command of English, but my obvious lack of humour.

Using the term depreciating was just a (poor) play on the mathematic theme.

 

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

Why do melons have weddings?

Because they cantaloupe.

 

[JackHiscoxWasFast]

If 2 vegans get into an argument, is it still called a beef ?

 

[RubbaDuck]

I must sincerely apologise, not for my poor command of English, but my obvious lack of humour.

Using the term depreciating was just a (poor) play on the mathematic theme.

I had an idea you were trying for humour so I tried to inject some humour back, just to leave a little wiggle room for both of us to back out quietly .

No apology necessary. If anyone should apologise c'est moi