Unofficial Preview Dangerous Youf - Melbourne Away to Carlton, Round 16

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Sir Hugh Percy

BigFooty Aristocrat
Jun 7, 2012
5,586
13,355
Earlthwaite Manor
AFL Club
Melbourne
His new appearance irritated him as he shuffled to keep the cold at bay beneath the brick and concrete facade. His hair itched his scalp where it had been dyed black and harshly slicked back with ‘wet look’ product. His face also itched due to the close-cropped micro-beard he now sported, also dyed black, as well as the L’Oréal Olive Tan foundation. The dark brown contact lenses felt weird in his eye sockets, and the plain black, single-breasted Armani suit was intentionally one size too small. He’d usually never be seen dead in anything that wasn’t tailored in London. The pointy black Aquila boots he wore actually made him feel physically ill. These were the depths one had to descend to when ‘activated’ by agent 475. It could be worse though; at least he hadn’t been asked to go to Adelaide.

He’d been waiting there since 7am following instructions that he had to be there early if he was to ‘bump into’ the target and convince him to grant entry into the gloomy edifice. It was now 8:30am and the July morning had taken its toll. Perhaps he should try again the next day or, better yet, think of another way to pull this off – he had no desire to get dressed up like this again. Typically, just as he was embracing the idea of putting his feet up in front of an open fire with a nice brandy, the target arrived – showtime.

The target got out of a horrid large, navy-blue Australian sedan and walked towards the gate with a sports bag slung over his shoulder. He was grinning inanely, as if he’d just thought of some private joke, had ears poked out from his head unnaturally, and strawberry blonde hair that was fashioned in no discernible style whatsoever. He looked like a rube in some movie about the Ku Klux Klan or cowboys, but those looks were deceptive.

“Bolts, mate!” the man in the tight Armani suit said, approaching the target like an old friend with his hand outstretched. Even the acting sickened him.

The target took the offered hand and shook it, the stupid smile never leaving his face, “Umm… Yeah, hi… Who are you?”

“Sir… err, Sirhugh Percini. The boys in The Crew sent me down to check on how things were progressing with the… ahh… training.” he said as he tapped the side of his nose conspiratorially.

The target somehow managed to maintain his grin while also looking around the carpark furtively, “You’d better come in before someone sees you,” he said as he took ‘Sirhugh’ by the arm and led him to the gate. The gate opened with the swipe of a card and ‘Sirhugh’ was ushered inside.

“So, err… ‘Sirhugh’ is an interesting name…” the target said with an air of enquiry, though the smile never left his face.

“It’s a family name… um, from the Maserati region.” Seeing a quizzical look pass over the target’s still-smiling face, Sirhugh decided to go on the offensive, “Righto, Bolts, enough bullshit. I wanna know what you’ve been doing with the all the cash The Crew has been funnelling into this joint.”

“Okay, follow me.” Bolton kept smiling and led the way down a corridor to their left. About 30 paces down the corridor, walls adorned in photographs of men who looked like criminals of some sort and were all attired in the navy blue vests of their tribe, they came to a set of large double doors. Here Bolton stopped and gestured proudly towards the top of the doors.

“Blouse Rules?” Sirhugh read the large, crudely painted sign aloud.

“You like it? Pretty clever, huh?” Bolton chirped enthusiastically.

“I don’t even…” Sirhugh began before Bolton cut in, “You don’t get it, do you?” Bolton was now giggling “It’s like House Rules, but Blues Rules – Blouse Rules!”

“But a ‘blouse’ is a ladies… never mind.” Sirhugh decided against trying to correct the cretin - that wasn’t what he was there for. How was this guy the genius behind Carlton’s resurgence?

Bolton pushed open the doors and led Sirhugh into a cavernous room that may once have been a gym, but was now filled with an odd assortment of power tools and laboratory equipment.

“The inspiration that we’ve taken from that wonderful Channel 7 television series, is to reimagine by repurposing and upcycling. Anecdotally, Mick Malthouse hit upon the idea when he found himself reflecting on Matt Kreuzer as a Frankenstein-looking mothergoose. But his methods were crude and Matty’s ‘knee injuries’ were actually his body rejecting John Nicholls’ brain. We also had some failures, like trying to inject Dale Thomas with Brock McLean’s toughness, but we just ended up with a player who was mentally weak and slow. Finally success: we have managed to infuse Liam Jones with essence of Geoff Southby!”

As they’d been talking, Bolton had been leading Sirhugh towards another door at the end of the room, “So what happens to the old players that you are… scavenging for parts?” Sirhugh asked.

“I’m glad you asked”, Bolton said and pushed open the door to reveal a race out to the centre of Princes Park, “They get ‘renewed’ by carousel.”

Bolton led Sirhugh down the race to the ground proper, where a number of figures were standing in a circle in the middle of the field, clad in long navy-blue robes. An ethereal voice boomed out across the ground, “Judd 5, identify.” One of the figures took off his hood and raised his left hand to reveal a glowing crystal in the palm, Sirhugh was amazed to see that it was Chris Judd. “Judd 5, enter the carousel. This is the time for renewal.” boomed the voice. Suddenly a ghostly light appeared in the sky above the hooded figures, and began to spin slowly. As though by some slow, invisible vortex Chris Judd was swept up into the air and began to slowly circle upwards towards the light while other members of the congregation cheered. However, before he reached the light, there was a zap and he was vapourised.

“Wow, has this review jumped the shark?!” Sirhugh exclaimed.

“It surely has,” grinned Bolton, “but I don’t think you’re who you say you are. Sandmen!”

Out of nowhere two figures appeared. “Kade 6, Patrick 9, please escort our visitor to carousel.” Sirhugh was roughly grabbed by the upper arms and marched down towards the circled figures in the middle of the ground. “You’re lucky, I have to wait until the end of the year for my go at carousel.” Kade 6 said, with quite some disappointment, "The future is NOW."

"The future is NOW," Patrick 6 repeated.

upload_2017-7-4_15-58-56.png

Pictured: Kade 6 and Patrick 9 – Sandmen watching over Carousel

Sirhugh’s brain was in overdrive, how was he going to get out of this. Suddenly he remembered Patrick 9’s glass jaw, and he flung his head in that direction. His head didn’t make contact, but his hair, with all its product in it, was just firm enough to clip Patrick 9 on the chin and he went down as though an anvil had been dropped on him. Kade 6 still had hold of his left arm. “Oh look, a chip on the ground.” Sirhugh said, thinking quickly, and Kade 6 immediately let go of his arm to go and find the chip.

Sirhugh was running then, across the ground to another race on the other side. He ran up to the door at the end and kicked it without breaking stride. It flew open to reveal an icy cave. Lord Ponsdale was sitting on a rock in the cave, “No Jenny Agutter?” the red priest asked longingly.

“Maybe next time, we don’t have time for that now.” Sirhugh said breathlessly, “What are you doing here anyway?”

“Lord Stryker thought you would need back-up. I’ve got your destrier outside.” Lord Ponsdale rose and they both ran away from the ground through the icy tunnel. At the exit stood Sir Hugh’s trusty steed. He leaped upon the mighty beast’s back and cried, “Tally-ho, Range Rover Sport! Dees by 16!”
 

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JustaBattler

Everyone Looks Better In Blue
May 31, 2012
21,092
38,895
AFL Club
Carlton
JAB! Long time, no see, brother! Gee, I don't think I've seen you around for... oh, it must be a good couple of years now. You used to be everywhere when Carlton were making finals, mate. Anyway, thanks for stopping by.
G'day Sir Puke :D

Well the Bay has been dead for a couple of years now dont ya think? I make the occassional appearance out of a sense of nostalgia for when it wasn't run by humourless idjots and their offspring... as for this forum the last ( and only ) time I ever posted the Biffo bloke took umbrage at my making fun about one of of his epistles to the faithful and gave me a week off!

I'm a tad disapointed that your blokes are copping injuries this time of the year tbh - was looking forward to the Dees doing some damage in the finals - in a perfect world, help to perhaps straight set Richmond out - and dont we all love that :p

I moved back 'home' to Sydney last year and living on the beach at Manly - so warmer weather and surf just across the street is keeping me busy...

Good luck on the weekend hope it is a close game - your missing mids versus our non existant midfield and forward line might see the game reduced to a grinding affair - finals football they call it don't they?:thumbsu:
 

Sir Hugh Percy

BigFooty Aristocrat
Jun 7, 2012
5,586
13,355
Earlthwaite Manor
AFL Club
Melbourne
G'day Sir Puke :D

Well the Bay has been dead for a couple of years now dont ya think? I make the occassional appearance out of a sense of nostalgia for when it wasn't run by humourless idjots and their offspring... as for this forum the last ( and only ) time I ever posted the Biffo bloke took umbrage at my making fun about one of of his epistles to the faithful and gave me a week off!

I'm a tad disapointed that your blokes are copping injuries this time of the year tbh - was looking forward to the Dees doing some damage in the finals - in a perfect world, help to perhaps straight set Richmond out - and dont we all love that :p

I moved back 'home' to Sydney last year and living on the beach at Manly - so warmer weather and surf just across the street is keeping me busy...

Good luck on the weekend hope it is a close game - your missing mids versus our non existant midfield and forward line might see the game reduced to a grinding affair - finals football they call it don't they?:thumbsu:
Well played, sir. Well played.

Yeah, I'm not on the Bay much anymore myself.
 

Spirit of 26

Team Captain
Aug 24, 2005
497
599
Melbourne
AFL Club
Melbourne
Other Teams
Melbourne
A Carlton supporter, a soccer supporter and gridiron supporter were drinking in a bar.
The soccer supporter pipes up claiming there was a soccer player who during a match had his stomach ripped out - and within a year he was back playing.
The yank bristled and retorts with a gridiron player who had sustained so much brain damage during a game that a priest gave him last rites - but was back playing within 6 months.
The plucky Carlton supporter - full of pride and with a tear in his eye- trumped them all.
"We had a player called Percy Jones. He had no guts and no brain and managed to play 249 games"
 

Jabba73

Hall of Famer
Oct 11, 2009
31,191
73,036
Echuca
AFL Club
Carlton
Other Teams
Vixens
It's a bland old flag, our rivals are punching bags,
It's entitlement for me, not for you,
There's a problem cause, its the snow we love,
We nearly merged with the wees and the poos,
Every cup won, true, we have a wooden spoon too,
And we are too indulged to queue,
Players suffer from faintness or lose the plot,
Robbie Flower still wears number twooooo...
 

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Russian Demon

Premiership Player
Mar 26, 2015
3,982
5,268
AFL Club
Melbourne
It's a bland old flag, our rivals are punching bags,
It's entitlement for me, not for you,
There's a problem cause, its the snow we love,
We nearly merged with the wees and the poos,
Every cup won, true, we have a wooden spoon too,
And we are too indulged to queue,
Players suffer from faintness or lose the plot,
Robbie Flower still wears number twooooo...
Good effort but that there is a crime to rhyming scheme
 

PerfectFooty

Perfect Cell
Apr 23, 2013
13,192
12,895
Benalla
AFL Club
Melbourne
Other Teams
Williamstown Seagulls
It's a bland old flag, our rivals are punching bags,
It's entitlement for me, not for you,
There's a problem cause, its the snow we love,
We nearly merged with the wees and the poos,
Every cup won, true, we have a wooden spoon too,
And we are too indulged to queue,
Players suffer from faintness or lose the plot,
Robbie Flower still wears number twooooo...
I'm not even mad
 

Cripps 'n' Blue Bloods

Sir Cripps of Carlton House
Mar 26, 2015
7,840
13,652
Bendigo
AFL Club
Carlton
Other Teams
Melbourne Tigers Philadelphia 76ers
A Carlton supporter, a soccer supporter and gridiron supporter were drinking in a bar.
The soccer supporter pipes up claiming there was a soccer player who during a match had his stomach ripped out - and within a year he was back playing.
The yank bristled and retorts with a gridiron player who had sustained so much brain damage during a game that a priest gave him last rites - but was back playing within 6 months.
The plucky Carlton supporter - full of pride and with a tear in his eye- trumped them all.
"We had a player called Percy Jones. He had no guts and no brain and managed to play 249 games"
I prefer the modern take on this classic:

A Melbourne supporter, a soccer supporter and gridiron supporter were sitting in front of the fire, sipping cognac up in the snow fields.
The soccer supporter pipes up claiming there was a soccer player who during a match had his stomach ripped out - and within a year he was back playing.
The yank bristled and retorts with a gridiron player who had sustained so much brain damage during a game that a priest gave him last rites - but was back playing within 6 months.
The arrogant Melbourne supporter - full of pride and with a tear in his eye- trumped them all.
"We have a player called Clayton Oliver. He had a butterfly land on his chin and he just crumpled to dust. Like a phoenix from the ashes, he then rose out of nowhere and tried to rip the butterflies wings off in a show of strength. We call him our toughest player."
 

Mammoth

Debutant
May 27, 2015
70
137
AFL Club
Melbourne
I prefer the modern take on this classic:

A Melbourne supporter, a soccer supporter and gridiron supporter were sitting in front of the fire, sipping cognac up in the snow fields.
The soccer supporter pipes up claiming there was a soccer player who during a match had his stomach ripped out - and within a year he was back playing.
The yank bristled and retorts with a gridiron player who had sustained so much brain damage during a game that a priest gave him last rites - but was back playing within 6 months.
The arrogant Melbourne supporter - full of pride and with a tear in his eye- trumped them all.
"We have a player called Clayton Oliver. He had a butterfly land on his chin and he just crumpled to dust. Like a phoenix from the ashes, he then rose out of nowhere and tried to rip the butterflies wings off in a show of strength. We call him our toughest player."
almost as tough as Cripps and Rowe in round 2
 

Spirit of 26

Team Captain
Aug 24, 2005
497
599
Melbourne
AFL Club
Melbourne
Other Teams
Melbourne
I prefer the modern take on this classic:

A Melbourne supporter, a soccer supporter and gridiron supporter were sitting in front of the fire, sipping cognac up in the snow fields.
The soccer supporter pipes up claiming there was a soccer player who during a match had his stomach ripped out - and within a year he was back playing.
The yank bristled and retorts with a gridiron player who had sustained so much brain damage during a game that a priest gave him last rites - but was back playing within 6 months.
The arrogant Melbourne supporter - full of pride and with a tear in his eye- trumped them all.
"We have a player called Clayton Oliver. He had a butterfly land on his chin and he just crumpled to dust. Like a phoenix from the ashes, he then rose out of nowhere and tried to rip the butterflies wings off in a show of strength. We call him our toughest player."
This is proof one should never tamper with the classics.
 

Yakker

Fisherman
Apr 7, 2016
15,307
26,211
-23.903529, 152.398097
AFL Club
Port Adelaide
Other Teams
Mt Buller Demons
It's a bland old flag, our rivals are punching bags,
It's entitlement for me, not for you,
There's a problem cause, its the snow we love,
We nearly merged with the wees and the poos,
Every cup won, true, we have a wooden spoon too,
And we are too indulged to queue,
Players suffer from faintness or lose the plot,
Robbie Flower still wears number twooooo...
We are the Navy Blues
We are the Old Dud Navy Blues
We're the team that often lets you down


We've all got heads like sparkplugs
We think we’re all champions
Its easy to send us up
None of this rhymes but who gives a crap


Cos oppo teams often win, clubs love playing
Against the infamous Old Duddy Blues
 

Jabba73

Hall of Famer
Oct 11, 2009
31,191
73,036
Echuca
AFL Club
Carlton
Other Teams
Vixens
We are the Navy Blues
We are the Old Dud Navy Blues
We're the team that often lets you down


We've all got heads like sparkplugs
We think we’re all champions
Its easy to send us up
None of this rhymes but who gives a crap


Cos oppo teams often win, clubs love playing
Against the infamous Old Duddy Blues
Love your work, puts my lack of effort to shame.
 

Yakker

Fisherman
Apr 7, 2016
15,307
26,211
-23.903529, 152.398097
AFL Club
Port Adelaide
Other Teams
Mt Buller Demons
Love your work, puts my lack of effort to shame.
I'm assuming sarcasm :p

I had a small window of opportunity to bash that out in between meetings so couldnt put too much thought into it. As a mattr of fact I had to google the bloody words to the song to bastardise it because it hadn't been song that often in the last few years (much like ours I'll admit)

Good luck on the weekend
 

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