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Buzz Hawk

Club Legend
Jul 23, 2017
1,667
2,545
Buttox
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Had a really bad yesterday, ended up sitting in my car with a bottle of red wine, pool hose hooked up to the exhaust and motor running. Thankfully didn't go through with it and still here to fight another day.

The thing is, I've already reached out to friends/family with previous down swings. How many times can you go back to the well? They've all got around me before and I promised them I would get better, but I haven't, and now does it get to a point where you just have to do it by yourself?
Reach out again mate, you have to for your sake and your friends and family’s.
You don’t have to promise anyone, anything. Particularly promising to get better, you’ll always feel like you have failed if you promise that.
Just promise yourself you will keep trying to find a way through.
These are trite words perhaps but even when the tunnel is seemingly endless, there will be a light eventually.
Life is effing tough, no question. But what’s the alternative? As far as we know there isn’t one.
Keep fighting bro.
 

Cuzdup

Club Legend
Apr 24, 2014
1,024
1,143
AFL Club
West Coast
Don't think it is a mid life crisis JW. I know what you are trying to say though.

With regards to hormones and sex drive, we both had a very active and satisfying sex life for last several years.

It's other issues that have caused this and am trying to work out how we can maybe repair the damage.

Appreciate your reply mate.
I know exactly what you are going through mate because im going through exactly the same thing and what iv learnt is it is a very common thing for couples to go through and for the males especially to be hit hard by the ordeal.

Iv recently separated also and things looked to be getting back on track and back to normal before I discovered a few things. Our relationship is now irrepairable and iv been in a very dark hole for months and even pushed away friends and family that I love.
We were married for 14 years and have 4 sons together between the ages of 11 and 3. My wife has basically said she wants to share the kids where we both have them for 2 weeks at a time and despite us having quite a fun and energetic relationship she wants to experience life on her own and she feels bogged down.
Pretty much shattered me, good news is I'm starting to see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel for myself and iv always been a great dad which will get me through. Next step is to re-engage with friends which is easily done.
Setting goals and writing stuff down helps a lot.
 

Ando727

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 12, 2009
5,893
12,188
Hobart
AFL Club
Melbourne
I know exactly what you are going through mate because im going through exactly the same thing and what iv learnt is it is a very common thing for couples to go through and for the males especially to be hit hard by the ordeal.

Iv recently separated also and things looked to be getting back on track and back to normal before I discovered a few things. Our relationship is now irrepairable and iv been in a very dark hole for months and even pushed away friends and family that I love.
We were married for 14 years and have 4 sons together between the ages of 11 and 3. My wife has basically said she wants to share the kids where we both have them for 2 weeks at a time and despite us having quite a fun and energetic relationship she wants to experience life on her own and she feels bogged down.
Pretty much shattered me, good news is I'm starting to see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel for myself and iv always been a great dad which will get me through. Next step is to re-engage with friends which is easily done.
Setting goals and writing stuff down helps a lot.
Mate, that's really tough. Did it come totally out of the blue for you, or were there signs that you think you didn't want to see? Either way, that's a very shattering thing to go through. Especially with such a big family at stake. Throws everything into chaos in terms of how you saw yourselves as a partnership in this thing together. For what it's worth, I think you're being super courageous in the way your handling things. Best of luck, mate.
 

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Cuzdup

Club Legend
Apr 24, 2014
1,024
1,143
AFL Club
West Coast
Mate, that's really tough. Did it come totally out of the blue for you, or were there signs that you think you didn't want to see? Either way, that's a very shattering thing to go through. Especially with such a big family at stake. Throws everything into chaos in terms of how you saw yourselves as a partnership in this thing together. For what it's worth, I think you're being super courageous in the way your handling things. Best of luck, mate.
Thanks mate.
There were definitely signs that she was cracking but I never for a second thought it would lead to the end. The breakup was out of the blue.
The biggest sign was her increased alcohol use. She was never a massive drinker but somewhere about 18 months ago she started hammering the wine most nights. We talked about it and she said it was a way for her to keep her sanity, that led to her getting days to herself to do her own thing but nothing changed drinking wise.
She also became a casual smoker and started hanging with new people.
So yeah definitely signs and a change in behaviour.
Its rough because she was a rock solid woman and wanted a big family only for her to fall apart.
 

Kavliaris69

Club Legend
Sep 1, 2011
1,313
1,268
"A Little Left of Heaven"
AFL Club
Hawthorn
I know exactly what you are going through mate because im going through exactly the same thing and what iv learnt is it is a very common thing for couples to go through and for the males especially to be hit hard by the ordeal.

Iv recently separated also and things looked to be getting back on track and back to normal before I discovered a few things. Our relationship is now irrepairable and iv been in a very dark hole for months and even pushed away friends and family that I love.
We were married for 14 years and have 4 sons together between the ages of 11 and 3. My wife has basically said she wants to share the kids where we both have them for 2 weeks at a time and despite us having quite a fun and energetic relationship she wants to experience life on her own and she feels bogged down.
Pretty much shattered me, good news is I'm starting to see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel for myself and iv always been a great dad which will get me through. Next step is to re-engage with friends which is easily done.
Setting goals and writing stuff down helps a lot.
It's tough as hell mate. Looks like you are making small steps which is great.

Can't say I have made any progress. In fact getting worse. I don't think its irreparable yet for us but still some hurdles.

Not able to get out of this hole. Having massive identity issues but putting on a brave face for our sons.

So much uncertainty for me now and not sure I can take much more. But survive I must. Don't want my sons to lose their dad and have to experience grief and loss. They will never recover from it.

Thanks for sharing your situation and appreciate your concern. Take care of urself.
 

Cuzdup

Club Legend
Apr 24, 2014
1,024
1,143
AFL Club
West Coast
It's tough as hell mate. Looks like you are making small steps which is great.

Can't say I have made any progress. In fact getting worse. I don't think its irreparable yet for us but still some hurdles.

Not able to get out of this hole. Having massive identity issues but putting on a brave face for our sons.

So much uncertainty for me now and not sure I can take much more. But survive I must. Don't want my sons to lose their dad and have to experience grief and loss. They will never recover from it.

Thanks for sharing your situation and appreciate your concern. Take care of urself.
If ever you feel the need to get things off your chest mate then please feel free to drop me a private message.
Sometimes venting to a total stranger is great therapy.
 

Nugett

Premiership Player
Apr 2, 2017
4,361
4,982
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Haven't been sleeping well lately. Lost my passion for my job, lost interest in the finals campaign, not sure if I have the energy to even go Thursday night now. Don't really want to leave the house. Just wanna lay in bed and do nothing forever. Just in a horrible place.

Why does it feel like no matter what you do it's 1 step forward, 2 steps back?
In a way I’m feeling your pain. Where it’s different for me, it’s trying to find the motivation. I have been through about 6 jobs this year, that is ridiculous. I have had to borrow money to make ends meet at times, which I hated doing, although have repaid the money back. My house is an absolute mess, which I hate, I hate being slovenly.the course I’m doing I’m struggling with, I’m leaving it until the last minute to do my assignments, as I feel I have no energy. As a result, the dreams I have, like doing the Kokoda Trail, climbing Mount Everest, owning my own business, quitting smoking are just that dreams. I know that when I am up and motivated, my house doesn’t look like a pig sty, I’m confident, organised, planning, on how to change my dreams to become reality. I need to stop thinking of having to something to change my way of thinking to wanting to.

I apologise for going off onto my own little tangent. I would like to offer a solution to your sleep issues, but I can’t. If I remember correctly, stats say between 7-9 hours a night is the optimum amount required, otherwise you go into what is commonly referred to as “sleep debt”. To refer to myself again, I normally average 5-6 hours, which is up from my teens and 20’s of 3-5 hours, also up from last year, where I was averaging 2 hours, doing permanent night shift. Maybe it’s why I do lack energy. Now on reflection!

With your job, correct me if I’m wrong, your a paramedic? I can see why that would be challenging, I can also understand why it would be rewarding as well. I say challenging, as to the people you come across in your line of work, as to show compassion, be empathetic, be firm, offer reassurance, having the ability to quickly make decisions when necessary. I don’t know you, I am just guessing and generalising as to what you would go through at various times, once again if I’m wrong please correct me. I also imagine it would be quite rewarding for you at times, the saving of a life, the gratitude you are told with a thank you, helping others is a rewarding experience, some people are way better at helping than others. Truthfully, I don’t think the paramedics get the credit they deserve at times.
I hope you regain your passion for your job, if you don’t, or can’t, than it’s not the end of the world, and I wish you well in your future career.

The point I’m trying to make, is no matter how hard life gets, it’s the little things we have to do, like replacing the negatives with a positive. It’s not how often, or hard we fall that matters, it’s how many times and the way we get back up that is important.

P.s. congrats to your tigers for beating my hawks last week.
 

Nugett

Premiership Player
Apr 2, 2017
4,361
4,982
AFL Club
Hawthorn
anticipation anxiety is a bastard of a thing. "What if......, what if......, what if..........."

Yet the number of times those "what if's" actually happen is very small.

“I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”

― Mark Twain
I like that quote, never realised at how many quotes Mark Twain is accredited for. Just off topic!
 

Nugett

Premiership Player
Apr 2, 2017
4,361
4,982
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Yes the internet and technology are definitely a double edge sword. They have made many aspects of life easier, more convenient, and more available, which gives us more spare time. Yet to afford technology people work more, and the extra spare time they fill with meaningless or even insidious instant gratification such as porn, gaming or social media.

I wonder when will things balance out? When will mankind begin to realise that too much stimuli can end up making us physically and mentally unhealthy, just like too much processed food can make us physically and mentally unhealthy?
The pessimist in me believes, that humans are lazy in general, new technology, new ideas, are about making our lives simpler. I have heard of businesses now starting up, that go round cleaning bbq’s for people. It’s easy to understand why people are no longer satisfied, the little things like learning by doing has been replaced by books, a phone call to somebody to do it for you. Society in general has gotten lazy and complacent. No one accepts responsibility or accountability, due to their own victimisation.

I remember the joys growing up, learning to ride a bike, the achievement of tying your own shoes, climbing a tree, ect, all of that is nearly gone.
 

Nugett

Premiership Player
Apr 2, 2017
4,361
4,982
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Had a really bad yesterday, ended up sitting in my car with a bottle of red wine, pool hose hooked up to the exhaust and motor running. Thankfully didn't go through with it and still here to fight another day.

The thing is, I've already reached out to friends/family with previous down swings. How many times can you go back to the well? They've all got around me before and I promised them I would get better, but I haven't, and now does it get to a point where you just have to do it by yourself?
You don’t have to do anything by yourself. The truth is your not alone. Most of us on this board has been there, going through it ourselves. It’s a hard fight, don’t be too hard on yourself.

I’m going to ask a question, no pressure for you to answer. If you want, to answer I’m interested in your response, if you don’t, I understand.

What do you term being better is, what does that phrase mean to you?

For me personally It’s about me improving as a person. Wether it’s learning something new, doing something different. Trying to achieve the goals I set myself. Learning to appreciate other people, by showing empathy and kindness rather than being judgemental and closed. acknowledge my mistakes and failures and accept my own responsibilities, so I can continue to grow, to become a better person than what I currently am. To me getting better isn’t based on other people’s perceptions of myself, but the way I want to perceive myself. Hope that makes sense.

If you Ever need to talk, there are people here myself included that will be happy to talk to you either through here or privately. You are important.
 

Tforce

Club Legend
Jun 10, 2006
1,196
2,935
nowhere
AFL Club
Richmond
I don't like being here. But I've been here for soooo long. Recently I lost my job. I was working from 8 to 2:30. I just couldn't do any more. I tried, so bloody hard. The government department decided I could not carry out my duties and let me go. I could fight it or I could resign. After 12 years I was thrown on the scrap heap. All the while they have their Are you Ok posters stuck all over the place. I still cry when I think about it. They've made me sign a NDG. They've given me a pittance but I just couldn't go through a court based scenario. I feel so ashamed. I was a pretty good worker. Now I feel like a worthless insignificant campaigner.
 

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Matt Stevic

Privileged White Cis Male Scumbag
Oct 29, 2012
4,566
7,663
Ballarat
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Other Teams
Parramatta Eels, Arsenal, The Exers
I don't like being here. But I've been here for soooo long. Recently I lost my job. I was working from 8 to 2:30. I just couldn't do any more. I tried, so bloody hard. The government department decided I could not carry out my duties and let me go. I could fight it or I could resign. After 12 years I was thrown on the scrap heap. All the while they have their Are you Ok posters stuck all over the place. I still cry when I think about it. They've made me sign a NDG. They've given me a pittance but I just couldn't go through a court based scenario. I feel so ashamed. I was a pretty good worker. Now I feel like a worthless insignificant campaigner.
Oh wow. As someone who lost their job (and their girlfriend as a result), I really feel for you.

I would see a lawyer and get them to find a way to get you out of that NDG. Don’t just take their word for anything. When I got fired, that was the mistake I made.
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
24,151
9,817
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
I don't like being here. But I've been here for soooo long. Recently I lost my job. I was working from 8 to 2:30. I just couldn't do any more. I tried, so bloody hard. The government department decided I could not carry out my duties and let me go. I could fight it or I could resign. After 12 years I was thrown on the scrap heap. All the while they have their Are you Ok posters stuck all over the place. I still cry when I think about it. They've made me sign a NDG. They've given me a pittance but I just couldn't go through a court based scenario. I feel so ashamed. I was a pretty good worker. Now I feel like a worthless insignificant campaigner.
that sucks! I really feel for you. I agree, speak to a lawyer and explore your options
 

OlympicDoughnut

Debutant
May 2, 2015
137
301
AFL Club
Western Bulldogs
Have had some very traumatic experiences at work recently, and things look like getting worse in the near future. No doubt I’m suffering a pretty significant depressive episode. My wife essentially forced me to go to the GP this morning and she basically sat there and told him everything that is going on. He’s prescribed me Valium for the moment and is trying to get me in to see a psych soon as possible.
I’ve never suffered any mental health issue in the past and this has really knocked me for six.
All the cliches are true eh, long dark tunnel, no light at the end etc


On iPhone using BigFooty.com mobile app
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
24,151
9,817
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
Have had some very traumatic experiences at work recently, and things look like getting worse in the near future. No doubt I’m suffering a pretty significant depressive episode. My wife essentially forced me to go to the GP this morning and she basically sat there and told him everything that is going on. He’s prescribed me Valium for the moment and is trying to get me in to see a psych soon as possible.
I’ve never suffered any mental health issue in the past and this has really knocked me for six.
All the cliches are true eh, long dark tunnel, no light at the end etc


On iPhone using BigFooty.com mobile app
it does knock you for six, for sure. It had me questioning everything I knew about myself and my life. I lost an enormous amount of confidence too. But there is lots of help available, and many many who are feeling, or have felt the way you are now, so you are far from alone even if you feel that way. I strongly advise you see a psychologist, they can help enormously. Good luck and keep us posted. And pm any of us any time, we are here for you
 

mightymouse75

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 26, 2011
6,181
5,851
AFL Club
Fremantle
Other Teams
Wimbledon AFC
I have no major issues in my life. I just beat the shit out of myself mentaly. I withdraw from people. So am alone. Thinking i am keeping myself safe. Because i dont think i am good enough to receive love. ( I deserve this. I am a peice of shit, i am a ******* dumb campaigner, some of my thoughts that pin me down. I would not speak to someone else like this. Why to myself??) Depression is so self absorbing. Anxiety feels so fn debilitating. At the bottom again. Just needed to let it out. Thankyou.
 

CWaffles

Premiership Player
Jul 10, 2012
4,624
4,902
Melbourne
AFL Club
Melbourne
Other Teams
Ferrari, Chicago Bulls, NY Giants
I have no major issues in my life. I just beat the shit out of myself mentaly. I withdraw from people. So am alone. Thinking i am keeping myself safe. Because i dont think i am good enough to receive love. ( I deserve this. I am a peice of shit, i am a ******* dumb campaigner, some of my thoughts that pin me down. I would not speak to someone else like this. Why to myself??) Depression is so self absorbing. Anxiety feels so fn debilitating. At the bottom again. Just needed to let it out. Thankyou.
Its a pretty dark space when anxiety takes over, often people feel isolated and ask why me? then it spirals darker and you start thinking of yourself in a negative way.

Everyone is good enough to recieve love so dont ever think so little of yourself. I know its hard to do but i always find that sitting down and listing positive things about myself helps me come around a little.

Feel free to PM anyone on here to vent a little or just to speak to people who have been in the same mindset and what they do to combat it.
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
24,151
9,817
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
I have no major issues in my life. I just beat the shit out of myself mentaly. I withdraw from people. So am alone. Thinking i am keeping myself safe. Because i dont think i am good enough to receive love. ( I deserve this. I am a peice of shit, i am a ******* dumb campaigner, some of my thoughts that pin me down. I would not speak to someone else like this. Why to myself??) Depression is so self absorbing. Anxiety feels so fn debilitating. At the bottom again. Just needed to let it out. Thankyou.
No worries, we're here for that. When i was at my worst it took me a while to realise why - i was being bullied. Problem was, my own mind was the bully, all through self judgement.

Remember though, your mind is engineered to do this automatically to protect you. By scrutinizing you and comparing you to others it helps identify where you can change to be better accepted by your 'tribe'. Being rejected by your tribe is perceived as a major threat to your wellbeing. These self judgements can go from useful to very destructive if they become continuous or you believe every thought.

What helped me was learning these thoughts of self judgement are very normal, are often very negatively biased, often have no real bearing on reality, and with practice can be accepted as bs and ignored.

When i started to use this 'technique' my defensive judgemental mind would fire back "rubbish! These thoughts are true, you are a loser, you cant dismiss self criticism that easily". And again, i would accept these as merely the same self judgemental mind trying to protect me. Then i could accept and ignore again. After a while this becomes very self liberating. If you want to talk more about this give me a pm. Cheers
 

John Who

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 16, 2017
6,557
4,472
AFL Club
Adelaide
I find reducing the mind from automatic "negative thoughts" really helps a lot. Particularly thoughts where it seems like it's a 1 in a million chance, and one ends up being that one statistic, this often creates a lot of anger:
- "why me?" (after all, there's a billion others around the world)
- "what have I done to deserve this?" (after all, I've seen so many others who are more evil/asses and they don't seem to be as punished with their life)

Thoughts along the lines as above, only serve to make you more angry the more you think and dwell on it. The truth is, no one can give an adequate answer to these line of questions. The harsher truth is, mental illness can hit literally ANYONE. Good or bad, nice or evil, young or old. Life stressors don't pity any humans. Once we've come to this realisation, knowing that shit events (aka stress) can happen to anyone at any time, acceptance makes things a little easier to deal with.
 

Ando727

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 12, 2009
5,893
12,188
Hobart
AFL Club
Melbourne
I have no major issues in my life. I just beat the shit out of myself mentaly. I withdraw from people. So am alone. Thinking i am keeping myself safe. Because i dont think i am good enough to receive love. ( I deserve this. I am a peice of shit, i am a ******* dumb campaigner, some of my thoughts that pin me down. I would not speak to someone else like this. Why to myself??) Depression is so self absorbing. Anxiety feels so fn debilitating. At the bottom again. Just needed to let it out. Thankyou.
One thing people with this mindset invariably miss, is that it's not up to you to decide if you can be loved - it's up to the person who might love you. There's no point being out there trying to deconstruct the reasons other people can or can't love somebody else. All we can do is get out there, be the best people we can be, and hope that love comes our way. That was certainly the case for me. I know I wasn't getting anywhere in my self-loathing phase. Eventually I got tired of it and started to ease up on myself and take more of a "take me or leave me" kind of approach. It freed me up from worrying how to please people or how to be desirable. It put the decision in their hands - all I had to do was decide if I liked them! Lucky for me, the tide turned and I found myself a great girl and now we have a little daughter. I did some work on myself to get there - did some CBT with a therapist that taught me how to avoid defeatist and unchallenged notions about myself. Things fell into place once I stopped kicking my own ass. After you stop doing that, just let the world respond to you as it chooses - don't go kicking your own ass just because you think others will. Trust me, there's somebody out there who is just your type. You just have to not be too distracted by your own head drama to notice it. Is it really necessary for you to spend so much time judging yourself? Do you think you could go a bit easier on yourself? Think about it, ok? PM me if you like. I'm happy to talk this through with you - as a surviver of exactly what you are going through.
 

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