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Nugett

Premiership Player
Apr 2, 2017
4,110
4,673
AFL Club
Hawthorn
It’s been a while since I been here. Cheers to Ando, Mxtett, The Wookie, John Who, Glacier and many others for your help, guidance, thoughts, sharing ect over the past 2 years.

When I first came on this thread, I was in a bad place, I was in a job that I absolutely hated, had no friends, living in the past with my shitty upbringing, trying to overcome the grief of the death of my grandparents, in a shitty relationship, where I was taken for granted. Among other issues.

A lot has changed for me in the past 2 years, while I still have had my downs, mainly unstable employment, shitty relationships! (Still) they haven’t been as bad as they once seemed. Some of the changes I made, have been a new location, joining CrossFit, playing masters AFL, going bush walking, joining social clubs and putting myself out there to meet new people and make new friends. While I still probably drink too much, it’s a small thing to where I was.

I’m slowly starting to acknowledge my emotions, but still find it difficult to express them.

I’m here tonight to both say thanks for the help and guidance. I’m also here because I’m indecisive. I’m currently looking/thinking of doing a paramedics course, as I look into a new career for myself. It involves a lot of study, and at my age I’m not too sure, I want to commit to 2 years.
 

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mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
23,978
9,478
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
It’s been a while since I been here. Cheers to Ando, Mxtett, The Wookie, John Who, Glacier and many others for your help, guidance, thoughts, sharing ect over the past 2 years.

When I first came on this thread, I was in a bad place, I was in a job that I absolutely hated, had no friends, living in the past with my s**tty upbringing, trying to overcome the grief of the death of my grandparents, in a s**tty relationship, where I was taken for granted. Among other issues.

A lot has changed for me in the past 2 years, while I still have had my downs, mainly unstable employment, s**tty relationships! (Still) they haven’t been as bad as they once seemed. Some of the changes I made, have been a new location, joining CrossFit, playing masters AFL, going bush walking, joining social clubs and putting myself out there to meet new people and make new friends. While I still probably drink too much, it’s a small thing to where I was.

I’m slowly starting to acknowledge my emotions, but still find it difficult to express them.

I’m here tonight to both say thanks for the help and guidance. I’m also here because I’m indecisive. I’m currently looking/thinking of doing a paramedics course, as I look into a new career for myself. It involves a lot of study, and at my age I’m not too sure, I want to commit to 2 years.
Awesome to hear from you Nuggett, it's great to hear you have been able to make some positive changes and are in a better place. Thanks for sharing your encouraging story with us
 

Nugett

Premiership Player
Apr 2, 2017
4,110
4,673
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Awesome to hear from you Nuggett, it's great to hear you have been able to make some positive changes and are in a better place. Thanks for sharing your encouraging story with us
The Happiness Trap was a great recommendation by the way. It’s given me a better understanding of how I can control my actions, rather than react!

For those that are currently struggling most of us here can empathise with what your going through. As we either still face it, have had similar experiences and it’s ok to reach out and ask for help. The hardest part for me was acknowledging that I needed to be more assertive in making changes. It’s never too late.
 

LeverPuller

BigFooty Tanker
Jun 23, 2011
31,115
34,135
Q49, Olympic Stand
AFL Club
Melbourne
Other Teams
Newcastle United Seattle Seahawks
So this has turned rubbish.

1) the appointment has been pushed back three weeks as the psych is unwell. Given I’ve already waited a month, it wasn’t exactly the best news.

2) my own health has gone right off the rails independently of that in the last 48 hours and it’s serious enough that I might need to be hospitalised.

Not exactly what I needed with the other battle in the background.
 

The_Wookie

Queenslander
Jul 2, 2010
32,498
29,931
Launceston
AFL Club
Carlton
It’s been a while since I been here. Cheers to Ando, Mxtett, The Wookie, John Who, Glacier and many others for your help, guidance, thoughts, sharing ect over the past 2 years.

When I first came on this thread, I was in a bad place, I was in a job that I absolutely hated, had no friends, living in the past with my s**tty upbringing, trying to overcome the grief of the death of my grandparents, in a s**tty relationship, where I was taken for granted. Among other issues.

A lot has changed for me in the past 2 years, while I still have had my downs, mainly unstable employment, s**tty relationships! (Still) they haven’t been as bad as they once seemed. Some of the changes I made, have been a new location, joining CrossFit, playing masters AFL, going bush walking, joining social clubs and putting myself out there to meet new people and make new friends. While I still probably drink too much, it’s a small thing to where I was.

I’m slowly starting to acknowledge my emotions, but still find it difficult to express them.

I’m here tonight to both say thanks for the help and guidance. I’m also here because I’m indecisive. I’m currently looking/thinking of doing a paramedics course, as I look into a new career for myself. It involves a lot of study, and at my age I’m not too sure, I want to commit to 2 years.
Great news mate! Well done.
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
23,978
9,478
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
So this has turned rubbish.

1) the appointment has been pushed back three weeks as the psych is unwell. Given I’ve already waited a month, it wasn’t exactly the best news.

2) my own health has gone right off the rails independently of that in the last 48 hours and it’s serious enough that I might need to be hospitalised.

Not exactly what I needed with the other battle in the background.
hang in there. You're having a bad patch which often means there's a good patch around the corner. Can you consider another psych?
 

LeverPuller

BigFooty Tanker
Jun 23, 2011
31,115
34,135
Q49, Olympic Stand
AFL Club
Melbourne
Other Teams
Newcastle United Seattle Seahawks
hang in there. You're having a bad patch which often means there's a good patch around the corner. Can you consider another psych?
Problem is the ACT - there’s generally a minimum 3 week wait. Combination of small town size relative to other majors and the massive access to support programs because of the APS. Not much that I can do except wait.
 

Ando727

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 12, 2009
5,793
11,867
Hobart
AFL Club
Melbourne
Problem is the ACT - there’s generally a minimum 3 week wait. Combination of small town size relative to other majors and the massive access to support programs because of the APS. Not much that I can do except wait.
That sucks man. In the meantime, stick around here and get some support. As for anyone who comes in here, we've got your back and Wookie moderates this thread perfectly to make sure there's no BS. So share away if you want to get something off your chest. Also you can PM me if you like - seriously, about anything.
 

Shane Heard

Club Legend
Mar 11, 2018
2,096
3,586
AFL Club
Essendon
Mods plz delete it this is too personal.

I don’t know why I didn’t think to post in here before when this started, given that BF is basically my therapy whenever I need time out anyway, but here goes:

About 5 months ago I got talking to a girl I work with, lots in common, same age as me, two boys the same age as my two, I’m a guitar teacher part time, her kids learn guitar, I started to do little jobs for her tuning and restringing their guitar and we just got talking and spending a bit of time together at work.

Things escalated fairly quickly and we began an affair. Fairly innocent (as far as affairs go anyway) at first but soon escalated and got full on, meeting on rostered days off at each other’s house, meeting in parks after dark, ducking off from work occasionally, she even came to an out of town gig and spent the night in my motel room.

All seemed to be going fine, the whole ‘as long as our partners don’t find out no one gets hurt’ narrative was keeping us fairly deluded. Then one night she sent me a photo of her and her partner on holiday in Fiji that set me off a bit, I got incredibly drunk and forgot to lock my phone etc and my wife checked it while I was passed out. I lied a lot and nearly managed to cover my tracks and convince her it was an emotional affair nothing more. But the lies got bigger and bigger and soon enough the truth came out.
The lies continued as I said I’d stopped talking to her but I’d created secret email addresses to keep communicating and by last week I’d made plans to move out (wife and I had agreed to a trial separation already but that I’d move home at the end of it if everything had gone ok) and get together with her.
Again on Saturday my wife was digging through internet history and so forth, and the girl sent an email accidentally to my proper address which my wife has access to. She saw everything - almost every sordid detail was in there. At 1am she showed all this info to my sister and my mum. She messaged the girl and told her she knew everything. She tracked down her partner’s number and told him everything (the girl had kept things fairly quiet with her bloke and only given him scant information).

My wife told me I’d never see my kids again.
On Sunday morning on no sleep, I made a snap decision that I thought was the right one. I could see no way out of the mess I was in. I couldn’t stand the thought of not seeing my kids. I couldn’t stand the thought of not being able to look my parents and family in the eye knowing that they knew what sort of person I was.
I couldn’t stand the thought of my wife deliberately telling the girl’s children what their Mum had been up to just so she could make them hurt as much as my kids were.
I took a belt and tied it around my neck and tied the other to a beam in my shed.
Maybe subconsciously wanting to be talked out of it, or just wanting my wife to feel bad, I sent her a text asking her to tell my boys I love them and apologise to my fifth (yes fifth) grade soccer side for missing our preliminary final that morning.
A mutual friend of my wife and I tried calling me 3-4 times but I ignored it. As the belt got tight I started to realise what was going on and by this stage if I even so much as lost balance I’d have died. One of my best mates from footy rang at that point, my wife knew I’d answer if he rang. I did. He broke landspeed records to get to me. I broke down in tears and sat and cried on his shoulder for 20 minutes.
It was a feeling I can’t put into words - the bleakness and futility of existence in that situation is just off the charts.

Since then I’ve moved into a small unit, my wife has been incredibly helpful as she has realised that I do genuinely love this girl and although I DO love my wife, that old cliche of not being ‘in love’ is also a factor and she understands that. The other girl has been at work and that has made things tough. Her partner is a control freak and is tracking her car and phone and accessing all her email accounts etc. I wrote a letter hoping to give it to her in the car park during the week but she literally videoed me as evidence that I’d approached her. That hurt - to think that she considers me a danger of some sort. I’m battling but I’m not out to hurt anyone. Our brief exchange told me that she thinks all the details my wife passed on to her partner were things I told my wife. They weren’t. They were things she read when she discovered my email account.

I believe if she can find a way out of her current situation where she is effectively being held to ransom by her partner, we have a possible future. My wife has been amazingly supportive since Sunday and has apologised for being as vengeful as she was and has taken every step to help me set up at my new place, she watched me yell at the tv last night while the cats lost, bought the kids with her for a sleepover and has basically told me that after sunday’s episode she realised that though she still loves me and wants me as a husband, she loves me as a best friend and father of her kids too and having a relationship of that sort is better than no relationship at all, or me being 6 feet under.

This is the toughest situation I have ever been in over 35 years of life and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It’s harder still knowing that it is all my doing. I am a person that likes to please everyone, and doing that while trying to find a place in life that makes me happy is incredibly hard and I don’t see an immediate end to it yet.

What I am glad about though is that I had mates to talk to about it and even having an online place like this makes things easier. If I had to bottle it up I think I really would just implode completely.
The fact that you’ve wrote all that out mate is actually a sign of strength. The courage to put yourself and your thoughts out there for others to read is a great thing.
Not only is it beneficial for your own mind and mental health to express such thoughts and feelings, others going through tremulously difficult times can also read it and know they are not alone in their troubles.

Writing thoughts out is a proven way to better understanding what is going on in one’s head. Psychologists encourage people to keep diaries and write thoughts down in times of worry, depression and anxiety. To read back on later gives you a much clearer perspective on what is actually bothering you at the time..instead of churning things over and over in the mind endlessly for days or weeks and getting bogged down in dark thoughts.

It’s an anonymous forum folks. No one knows who you are. Write things out in a post here and tell your story. Open yourself up and reveal everything and anything. No one will judge you or ridicule you.
And just because you don’t get a bunch of likes or comments doesn’t mean no one is reading it or listening.

It’s quite obvious there are many many blokes on bf who are going through tough times and read this thread regularly...in their own quiet time.

Know that if you tell your story, you are not only helping yourself but also quite possibly helping someone else with troubles as well.

This is a fantastic thread that gives a lot of people the opportunity to share their thoughts and I commend the big footy HQ for leaving it permanently up the top of this main board. It’s like a community men’s mental health group in a lot of ways.

Tell your story. Read it back to yourself as time goes on and give updates.

And know that you’re not alone and there’s always someone listening. 🙂
 

Aeglos

Premiership Player
Sep 27, 2016
3,175
2,375
Croydon station
AFL Club
Essendon
Other Teams
Riverpigs
Problem is the ACT - there’s generally a minimum 3 week wait. Combination of small town size relative to other majors and the massive access to support programs because of the APS. Not much that I can do except wait.
Is it possible you can utilise telephone services in the mean time in the event of a crisis?
Obviously a bit of a bandaid solution but it might stem the tide until you’re able to see the psych.
 

LeverPuller

BigFooty Tanker
Jun 23, 2011
31,115
34,135
Q49, Olympic Stand
AFL Club
Melbourne
Other Teams
Newcastle United Seattle Seahawks
Is it possible you can utilise telephone services in the mean time in the event of a crisis?
Obviously a bit of a bandaid solution but it might stem the tide until you’re able to see the psych.
Yeah, I’m happy to - it’s more that I’ve used them a bit and it’s something I can only do so much of over the phone, as it’s tied right up into ongoing relationship issues and I’m trying to not have it noticed by my partner.
 

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LeverPuller

BigFooty Tanker
Jun 23, 2011
31,115
34,135
Q49, Olympic Stand
AFL Club
Melbourne
Other Teams
Newcastle United Seattle Seahawks
Bit of a battle in my mind right now.

So my partner is being...well, suffocating.

Fair bit of backstory. She worked overseas for 2 years up until Jan. Before that we’d been together 5 years and living together. On returning, I have moved to the ACT so she moved up to live with me.

She doesn’t have any connections up here which is hard. I bring her into my social stuff, but she is also trying to build her own network.

But she takes a long time to build those relationships, so she’s instead spending or wanting to spend all her time with me.

And I mean all of it. Every day, once we are home from work, she wants to spend every minute with me.

And she expects me to want the same. She cracks it when I’m contacting other people. Doing work calls at home (pretty normal in my job) gets an annoyed response. Contacting my friends when she is there makes her feel insecure.

On top of that, when we are together, she controls my behaviour. I can’t just do things - they have to be her way. Not up to her standard, I get chastised. She creates these invisible boundaries and cracks it when I don’t make them even though I don’t actually know the rules.

It’s been causing tension and making me feel, quite frankly, completely trapped.

But the worst part is she almost knows what I’m thinking before I even say it. She sets up all these anxieties about what her behaviour is causing and then voices them to me, in a way that sets me up so that if I say she’s right, she goes off the deep end into emotional collapse, but if I don’t then I just feel locked into the situation.

Last one of these happened last night where she said you’re going to the psychologist to say bad things about me.

It’s doing a real number on me. I feel guilty for messaging my mates. I got in strife the other night because she wanted to know what I was posting on BF because she saw over my shoulder - so I lied about raging on Melbourne re-signing Josh Wagner instead of posting in this thread. The only times I feel ok are if I have a lie-in and she’s left for work, or if she’s at a work function and I’m at home. I’m lucky if that’s an hour a week.

Can’t see the psychologist for another two weeks. Didn’t even want to tell her I was going but if I didn’t it was the edge of another meltdown for her.

I dunno how to cope with this. I don’t want to just leave because I know it’s situational, she’s latching onto me hard because she doesn’t have anyone else, but if this persists I’m going to go mad in my own mind with guilt and paranoia.
 

Shane Heard

Club Legend
Mar 11, 2018
2,096
3,586
AFL Club
Essendon
Bit of a battle in my mind right now.

So my partner is being...well, suffocating.

Fair bit of backstory. She worked overseas for 2 years up until Jan. Before that we’d been together 5 years and living together. On returning, I have moved to the ACT so she moved up to live with me.

She doesn’t have any connections up here which is hard. I bring her into my social stuff, but she is also trying to build her own network.

But she takes a long time to build those relationships, so she’s instead spending or wanting to spend all her time with me.

And I mean all of it. Every day, once we are home from work, she wants to spend every minute with me.

And she expects me to want the same. She cracks it when I’m contacting other people. Doing work calls at home (pretty normal in my job) gets an annoyed response. Contacting my friends when she is there makes her feel insecure.

On top of that, when we are together, she controls my behaviour. I can’t just do things - they have to be her way. Not up to her standard, I get chastised. She creates these invisible boundaries and cracks it when I don’t make them even though I don’t actually know the rules.

It’s been causing tension and making me feel, quite frankly, completely trapped.

But the worst part is she almost knows what I’m thinking before I even say it. She sets up all these anxieties about what her behaviour is causing and then voices them to me, in a way that sets me up so that if I say she’s right, she goes off the deep end into emotional collapse, but if I don’t then I just feel locked into the situation.

Last one of these happened last night where she said you’re going to the psychologist to say bad things about me.

It’s doing a real number on me. I feel guilty for messaging my mates. I got in strife the other night because she wanted to know what I was posting on BF because she saw over my shoulder - so I lied about raging on Melbourne re-signing Josh Wagner instead of posting in this thread. The only times I feel ok are if I have a lie-in and she’s left for work, or if she’s at a work function and I’m at home. I’m lucky if that’s an hour a week.

Can’t see the psychologist for another two weeks. Didn’t even want to tell her I was going but if I didn’t it was the edge of another meltdown for her.

I dunno how to cope with this. I don’t want to just leave because I know it’s situational, she’s latching onto me hard because she doesn’t have anyone else, but if this persists I’m going to go mad in my own mind with guilt and paranoia.
That’s a tough one mate.

If you love her and want to be with her..there’s really only one choice.

Tell her exactly how her behaviour makes you feel and talk through it.
Trying to dance around it will only make things worse.

Try and convince her to get some therapy herself..there’s obviously issues in there that probably have nothing to do with anything you do.

Be gentle. Show empathy.

Be in it for the long haul towards better mental health for you both individually and as a couple.

Hope that helps in some small way.
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
23,978
9,478
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
That’s a tough one mate.

If you love her and want to be with her..there’s really only one choice.

Tell her exactly how her behaviour makes you feel and talk through it.
Trying to dance around it will only make things worse.

Try and convince her to get some therapy herself..there’s obviously issues in there that probably have nothing to do with anything you do.

Be gentle. Show empathy.

Be in it for the long haul towards better mental health for you both individually and as a couple.

Hope that helps in some small way.
Good advice, I agree. Honesty with compassion and understanding is the only way forward
 

Ando727

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 12, 2009
5,793
11,867
Hobart
AFL Club
Melbourne
You might need to get some couples therapy. It can be very hard to convince a partner when emotions run high and there is a lot of tit-for-tat arguing going on. Every point you make tends to get jumped on with a counter-attack. The hard part would be getting her to agree to go - but often, discussing relationship issues with a good couples therapist takes the heat out of it because neither party wants to sound like a raving nutter, and can help boil it down to the fundamentals. One thing's for sure, it's not going to last if it continues like this indefinitely because you are under too much pressure. Love struggles to survive under intense, unrelenting pressure. My advice would be not too different from the guys above: you've got to get some honest communication going. But above all, stay calm and compassionate when you deliver your truth. It shows that you mean what you're saying - not just firing back with emotion. She's probably struggling with the people she left behind in Melbourne more than she admits. Sounds like she's not in a good place and needs some professional support herself.
 

Americanpies

Club Legend
May 16, 2016
2,246
2,659
AFL Club
Collingwood
Bit of a battle in my mind right now.

So my partner is being...well, suffocating.

Fair bit of backstory. She worked overseas for 2 years up until Jan. Before that we’d been together 5 years and living together. On returning, I have moved to the ACT so she moved up to live with me.

She doesn’t have any connections up here which is hard. I bring her into my social stuff, but she is also trying to build her own network.

But she takes a long time to build those relationships, so she’s instead spending or wanting to spend all her time with me.

And I mean all of it. Every day, once we are home from work, she wants to spend every minute with me.

And she expects me to want the same. She cracks it when I’m contacting other people. Doing work calls at home (pretty normal in my job) gets an annoyed response. Contacting my friends when she is there makes her feel insecure.

On top of that, when we are together, she controls my behaviour. I can’t just do things - they have to be her way. Not up to her standard, I get chastised. She creates these invisible boundaries and cracks it when I don’t make them even though I don’t actually know the rules.

It’s been causing tension and making me feel, quite frankly, completely trapped.

But the worst part is she almost knows what I’m thinking before I even say it. She sets up all these anxieties about what her behaviour is causing and then voices them to me, in a way that sets me up so that if I say she’s right, she goes off the deep end into emotional collapse, but if I don’t then I just feel locked into the situation.

Last one of these happened last night where she said you’re going to the psychologist to say bad things about me.

It’s doing a real number on me. I feel guilty for messaging my mates. I got in strife the other night because she wanted to know what I was posting on BF because she saw over my shoulder - so I lied about raging on Melbourne re-signing Josh Wagner instead of posting in this thread. The only times I feel ok are if I have a lie-in and she’s left for work, or if she’s at a work function and I’m at home. I’m lucky if that’s an hour a week.

Can’t see the psychologist for another two weeks. Didn’t even want to tell her I was going but if I didn’t it was the edge of another meltdown for her.

I dunno how to cope with this. I don’t want to just leave because I know it’s situational, she’s latching onto me hard because she doesn’t have anyone else, but if this persists I’m going to go mad in my own mind with guilt and paranoia.
I'm experiencing something similar. Oddly almost the exact same situation -

Partner was overseas for 2 years also, recently back over here again, living with me.

She is working, but has no car, limited funds, no friends here really. Is always with me. I drive her everywhere, take her to work and pick her up. What makes it more awkward is we live in my mother's house, so she feels uncomfortable around the house. So we spend a lot of our time after work/weekend when we aren't out somewhere, basically sitting in the bedroom. She's also a very critical person. She will speak her mind, and attacks me verbally and emotionally all the time. It's really tough man, I know.

You know the best way to handle this?

Not to care.

It doesn't mean you don't love her or care about her. It simply means you won't degrade yourself and accept being put down. You know what you are about, and you know when you do something right or wrong. If you haven't done anything wrong by her, then you should have nothing to fear. If she wants to walk, let her walk. You shouldn't have to feel punished and chastised for trivial things or even nothing.

Don't tell her "I don't care". But know in your head, that you don't really care. If that makes sense. For example.. if she chastises you about something small, just smile and say ok sure thing. And stay relaxed.

Start meditating. Listen to some philosophy - Look up Alan Watts on youtube, and listen to some of his lectures.. this stuff is really good for simplifying life and removing complicated thinking from our minds.

And finally... Nobody should control you this way. You are your own person. emotional and verbal abuse is real. The mind games, etc - This sort of treatment can really hurt a person's mind and soul. Stay strong my friend. If you want to chat, PM me.
 

John Who

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 16, 2017
5,993
4,124
AFL Club
Adelaide
Bit of a battle in my mind right now.

So my partner is being...well, suffocating.

Fair bit of backstory. She worked overseas for 2 years up until Jan. Before that we’d been together 5 years and living together. On returning, I have moved to the ACT so she moved up to live with me.

She doesn’t have any connections up here which is hard. I bring her into my social stuff, but she is also trying to build her own network.

But she takes a long time to build those relationships, so she’s instead spending or wanting to spend all her time with me.

And I mean all of it. Every day, once we are home from work, she wants to spend every minute with me.

And she expects me to want the same. She cracks it when I’m contacting other people. Doing work calls at home (pretty normal in my job) gets an annoyed response. Contacting my friends when she is there makes her feel insecure.

On top of that, when we are together, she controls my behaviour. I can’t just do things - they have to be her way. Not up to her standard, I get chastised. She creates these invisible boundaries and cracks it when I don’t make them even though I don’t actually know the rules.

It’s been causing tension and making me feel, quite frankly, completely trapped.

But the worst part is she almost knows what I’m thinking before I even say it. She sets up all these anxieties about what her behaviour is causing and then voices them to me, in a way that sets me up so that if I say she’s right, she goes off the deep end into emotional collapse, but if I don’t then I just feel locked into the situation.

Last one of these happened last night where she said you’re going to the psychologist to say bad things about me.

It’s doing a real number on me. I feel guilty for messaging my mates. I got in strife the other night because she wanted to know what I was posting on BF because she saw over my shoulder - so I lied about raging on Melbourne re-signing Josh Wagner instead of posting in this thread. The only times I feel ok are if I have a lie-in and she’s left for work, or if she’s at a work function and I’m at home. I’m lucky if that’s an hour a week.

Can’t see the psychologist for another two weeks. Didn’t even want to tell her I was going but if I didn’t it was the edge of another meltdown for her.

I dunno how to cope with this. I don’t want to just leave because I know it’s situational, she’s latching onto me hard because she doesn’t have anyone else, but if this persists I’m going to go mad in my own mind with guilt and paranoia.
A lot of good advice already has been said. The setting of boundaries and self-time is CRUCIAL to any healthy relationships. It seems like your partner is severely trespassing on a few boundaries. This could mean several things:
- she’s always been like this but more so due to less distractions (so to speak); this could point to her having a personality disorder
- she’s only different now and not when the 5 years you had lived together in the last; this could point to her having a mental illness of her own (eg. Depression/anxiety)

I really recommend you having a chat about your feelings of uncomfortable in what she does, and see if you can rectify things. I also think you should recommend her seeing her own doc for counseling, whilst you’re going through it yourself.

If it really is to the point of boiling (she doesn’t want to change, and you have suicidal thoughts), then perhaps going to Emergency, might help settle you down while waiting to see the psychiatrist. Otherwise, just type away on this thread or chat on beyond blue or even with your GP. Hope you can stay strong!
 

John Who

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 16, 2017
5,993
4,124
AFL Club
Adelaide
It’s been a while since I been here. Cheers to Ando, Mxtett, The Wookie, John Who, Glacier and many others for your help, guidance, thoughts, sharing ect over the past 2 years.

When I first came on this thread, I was in a bad place, I was in a job that I absolutely hated, had no friends, living in the past with my s**tty upbringing, trying to overcome the grief of the death of my grandparents, in a s**tty relationship, where I was taken for granted. Among other issues.

A lot has changed for me in the past 2 years, while I still have had my downs, mainly unstable employment, s**tty relationships! (Still) they haven’t been as bad as they once seemed. Some of the changes I made, have been a new location, joining CrossFit, playing masters AFL, going bush walking, joining social clubs and putting myself out there to meet new people and make new friends. While I still probably drink too much, it’s a small thing to where I was.

I’m slowly starting to acknowledge my emotions, but still find it difficult to express them.

I’m here tonight to both say thanks for the help and guidance. I’m also here because I’m indecisive. I’m currently looking/thinking of doing a paramedics course, as I look into a new career for myself. It involves a lot of study, and at my age I’m not too sure, I want to commit to 2 years.
It works both ways mate. By others helping you, you’re allowing others to learn more about mental illness and life itself. It’s a 2-way deal! ;)
 

Nugett

Premiership Player
Apr 2, 2017
4,110
4,673
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Bit of a battle in my mind right now.

So my partner is being...well, suffocating.

Fair bit of backstory. She worked overseas for 2 years up until Jan. Before that we’d been together 5 years and living together. On returning, I have moved to the ACT so she moved up to live with me.

She doesn’t have any connections up here which is hard. I bring her into my social stuff, but she is also trying to build her own network.

But she takes a long time to build those relationships, so she’s instead spending or wanting to spend all her time with me.

And I mean all of it. Every day, once we are home from work, she wants to spend every minute with me.

And she expects me to want the same. She cracks it when I’m contacting other people. Doing work calls at home (pretty normal in my job) gets an annoyed response. Contacting my friends when she is there makes her feel insecure.

On top of that, when we are together, she controls my behaviour. I can’t just do things - they have to be her way. Not up to her standard, I get chastised. She creates these invisible boundaries and cracks it when I don’t make them even though I don’t actually know the rules.

It’s been causing tension and making me feel, quite frankly, completely trapped.

But the worst part is she almost knows what I’m thinking before I even say it. She sets up all these anxieties about what her behaviour is causing and then voices them to me, in a way that sets me up so that if I say she’s right, she goes off the deep end into emotional collapse, but if I don’t then I just feel locked into the situation.

Last one of these happened last night where she said you’re going to the psychologist to say bad things about me.

It’s doing a real number on me. I feel guilty for messaging my mates. I got in strife the other night because she wanted to know what I was posting on BF because she saw over my shoulder - so I lied about raging on Melbourne re-signing Josh Wagner instead of posting in this thread. The only times I feel ok are if I have a lie-in and she’s left for work, or if she’s at a work function and I’m at home. I’m lucky if that’s an hour a week.

Can’t see the psychologist for another two weeks. Didn’t even want to tell her I was going but if I didn’t it was the edge of another meltdown for her.

I dunno how to cope with this. I don’t want to just leave because I know it’s situational, she’s latching onto me hard because she doesn’t have anyone else, but if this persists I’m going to go mad in my own mind with guilt and paranoia.
At the moment she is probably feeling insecure. Sounds as if she is passing on her insecurities to you, which makes it hard for both of you. I can empathise with the emotional drain that you are going through. Try to communicate with each other, it’s a big change for both of you. Encourage her to socialise more. There may be social groups on Facebook, that she could join, where she can meet new people. Hoping it’s not long before you get to see a psychologist.
 

LeverPuller

BigFooty Tanker
Jun 23, 2011
31,115
34,135
Q49, Olympic Stand
AFL Club
Melbourne
Other Teams
Newcastle United Seattle Seahawks
Thanks for all the advice so far everyone - some has really helped.

As much a rant as anything - I brought up needing some level of space to breathe last night.

See, her parents are coming to town all next week.

The catch is she wants me to spend every night with them next week.

I’m working. She’s a teacher on school holidays.

I brought up that I don’t think I can. Not that I won’t see them, but that I think I’ll need one night for me to recharge.

Her reaction was that I don’t want to spend time with her parents or with her.

She’s developed this extraordinary attention expectation and I just can’t deal with it. I can’t breathe. I’m having to spend every non-working minute with her. If she doesn’t know what I’m doing she questions it. I can’t get away to call one of the help lines - because if I’m outside my expected arrive-home time from work she freaks out that I’ve died in an accident and blows up my phone.

Tonight, for example, we spent three hours together on a new sport we have taken up. Great fun. Had a ball.

Get in the car to drive home and I check my phone for the first time in four hours. I have a high-time-pressure job that relies on my phone so it needs to happen.

Immediately:
“Why are you checking your phone?”
“Work - need to check *issue*.”
“You are spending time with me. You don’t need your phone.”
“I have a 24/7 job that needs my phone to be checked, and the last time was three hours ago.”
“Still not happy but okay.”

I’m going to talk with the psych about all of this, but I just need to get it off my chest for now. I can’t talk to my friends because she needs to know everything on my phone and wants to know what I talk to them about, I can’t talk to a phone service because she goes nuts if she doesn’t know my movements and the psych is a week away.

Worst part is this feels really juvenile. Ranting about girls online, I feel like a bloody fifteen year old. Feel bad about wasting the time of anyone who has gotten this far - it’s my relationship and I should be able to deal with it but I just can’t.
 

John Who

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 16, 2017
5,993
4,124
AFL Club
Adelaide
Thanks for all the advice so far everyone - some has really helped.

As much a rant as anything - I brought up needing some level of space to breathe last night.

See, her parents are coming to town all next week.

The catch is she wants me to spend every night with them next week.

I’m working. She’s a teacher on school holidays.

I brought up that I don’t think I can. Not that I won’t see them, but that I think I’ll need one night for me to recharge.

Her reaction was that I don’t want to spend time with her parents or with her.

She’s developed this extraordinary attention expectation and I just can’t deal with it. I can’t breathe. I’m having to spend every non-working minute with her. If she doesn’t know what I’m doing she questions it. I can’t get away to call one of the help lines - because if I’m outside my expected arrive-home time from work she freaks out that I’ve died in an accident and blows up my phone.

Tonight, for example, we spent three hours together on a new sport we have taken up. Great fun. Had a ball.

Get in the car to drive home and I check my phone for the first time in four hours. I have a high-time-pressure job that relies on my phone so it needs to happen.

Immediately:
“Why are you checking your phone?”
“Work - need to check *issue*.”
“You are spending time with me. You don’t need your phone.”
“I have a 24/7 job that needs my phone to be checked, and the last time was three hours ago.”
“Still not happy but okay.”

I’m going to talk with the psych about all of this, but I just need to get it off my chest for now. I can’t talk to my friends because she needs to know everything on my phone and wants to know what I talk to them about, I can’t talk to a phone service because she goes nuts if she doesn’t know my movements and the psych is a week away.

Worst part is this feels really juvenile. Ranting about girls online, I feel like a bloody fifteen year old. Feel bad about wasting the time of anyone who has gotten this far - it’s my relationship and I should be able to deal with it but I just can’t.
Relationships aren’t meant to be easy. If you or your partner (or both) suffer from mental unwellness, it often magnifies in the challenges and frustrations.

If it’s becoming overwhelming at home and you want some away time, perhaps have a chat with the GP? Or book for a health check? Try and manufacture ways to have some self-time/space. Sounds like you’re getting an overdose of the attention from the partner, and like any overdoses, it tends to worsen in the long run if you don’t change the dose level.
 

Chief

Admin
Dec 1, 1999
78,413
48,343
Brisbane
AFL Club
Carlton
Thanks for all the advice so far everyone - some has really helped.

As much a rant as anything - I brought up needing some level of space to breathe last night.

See, her parents are coming to town all next week.

The catch is she wants me to spend every night with them next week.

I’m working. She’s a teacher on school holidays.

I brought up that I don’t think I can. Not that I won’t see them, but that I think I’ll need one night for me to recharge.

Her reaction was that I don’t want to spend time with her parents or with her.

She’s developed this extraordinary attention expectation and I just can’t deal with it. I can’t breathe. I’m having to spend every non-working minute with her. If she doesn’t know what I’m doing she questions it. I can’t get away to call one of the help lines - because if I’m outside my expected arrive-home time from work she freaks out that I’ve died in an accident and blows up my phone.

Tonight, for example, we spent three hours together on a new sport we have taken up. Great fun. Had a ball.

Get in the car to drive home and I check my phone for the first time in four hours. I have a high-time-pressure job that relies on my phone so it needs to happen.

Immediately:
“Why are you checking your phone?”
“Work - need to check *issue*.”
“You are spending time with me. You don’t need your phone.”
“I have a 24/7 job that needs my phone to be checked, and the last time was three hours ago.”
“Still not happy but okay.”

I’m going to talk with the psych about all of this, but I just need to get it off my chest for now. I can’t talk to my friends because she needs to know everything on my phone and wants to know what I talk to them about, I can’t talk to a phone service because she goes nuts if she doesn’t know my movements and the psych is a week away.

Worst part is this feels really juvenile. Ranting about girls online, I feel like a bloody fifteen year old. Feel bad about wasting the time of anyone who has gotten this far - it’s my relationship and I should be able to deal with it but I just can’t.
You don't need her permission to do your job or talk to your friends. You should try to be really clear about what you want and need in your relationship. She seems to be filling it up with "it's about me".

Your counsellor can help you work out the best language and how to navigate this conversation if you are finding your conversations about what you need get bogged down in animosity.
 

Nugett

Premiership Player
Apr 2, 2017
4,110
4,673
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Thanks for all the advice so far everyone - some has really helped.

As much a rant as anything - I brought up needing some level of space to breathe last night.

See, her parents are coming to town all next week.

The catch is she wants me to spend every night with them next week.

I’m working. She’s a teacher on school holidays.

I brought up that I don’t think I can. Not that I won’t see them, but that I think I’ll need one night for me to recharge.

Her reaction was that I don’t want to spend time with her parents or with her.

She’s developed this extraordinary attention expectation and I just can’t deal with it. I can’t breathe. I’m having to spend every non-working minute with her. If she doesn’t know what I’m doing she questions it. I can’t get away to call one of the help lines - because if I’m outside my expected arrive-home time from work she freaks out that I’ve died in an accident and blows up my phone.

Tonight, for example, we spent three hours together on a new sport we have taken up. Great fun. Had a ball.

Get in the car to drive home and I check my phone for the first time in four hours. I have a high-time-pressure job that relies on my phone so it needs to happen.

Immediately:
“Why are you checking your phone?”
“Work - need to check *issue*.”
“You are spending time with me. You don’t need your phone.”
“I have a 24/7 job that needs my phone to be checked, and the last time was three hours ago.”
“Still not happy but okay.”

I’m going to talk with the psych about all of this, but I just need to get it off my chest for now. I can’t talk to my friends because she needs to know everything on my phone and wants to know what I talk to them about, I can’t talk to a phone service because she goes nuts if she doesn’t know my movements and the psych is a week away.

Worst part is this feels really juvenile. Ranting about girls online, I feel like a bloody fifteen year old. Feel bad about wasting the time of anyone who has gotten this far - it’s my relationship and I should be able to deal with it but I just can’t.
Sometimes we need to learn to walk away from things that are hurting us. By all means try to repair and fix what’s wrong together, but if she has an issue with that, and is unwilling to change to make reasonable compromises to suit you both, then things will continue to keep happening. Your best bet is talking to your psych.
 

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