Mod. Notice Depressed? Anxious? Call Beyond Blue (1300 224636), Lifeline (131114), resources in OP

Remove this Banner Ad

Sep 13, 2019
20
111
AFL Club
Geelong
I've got no-one to talk to about my wife's alcoholism.

She ignores it, says she's "piss-fit" like it's a joke... drinks at least a bottle of wine every single night, in front of our kids who are both under 12. Usually a bottle and a half. Some times 2.

She wakes up everyday saying she's sick and didn't sleep well... It's obvious it's a hangover from getting drunk every single day for two years, but she says she doesn't get hangovers.

I am working so hard on trying to find positive things in my life, and I feel like I'm making progress, but the sign of her on her phone getting pissed every night makes me so anxious and depressed.

I can't talk to her about, because it just causes a fight.

I'm so lost and depressed.

I do exercise, meditation, mindfulness, and try to practice detachment but geeez it's a struggle to stay positive and move forward.

My dad was an alcoholic. Her dad is an alcoholic who she doesn't talk to any more. She used to say she made sure she talked to him before 5 pm because otherwise he was drunk.

Now I'm in the same position.

I hate how Australia's drinking culture makes alcohol all pervasive. It's so hidden the damage it does.

Anyways, that is all

Thank you :)
 

Shane Heard

Norm Smith Medallist
Mar 11, 2018
5,380
9,859
AFL Club
Essendon
I've got no-one to talk to about my wife's alcoholism.

She ignores it, says she's "piss-fit" like it's a joke... drinks at least a bottle of wine every single night, in front of our kids who are both under 12. Usually a bottle and a half. Some times 2.

She wakes up everyday saying she's sick and didn't sleep well... It's obvious it's a hangover from getting drunk every single day for two years, but she says she doesn't get hangovers.

I am working so hard on trying to find positive things in my life, and I feel like I'm making progress, but the sign of her on her phone getting pissed every night makes me so anxious and depressed.

I can't talk to her about, because it just causes a fight.

I'm so lost and depressed.

I do exercise, meditation, mindfulness, and try to practice detachment but geeez it's a struggle to stay positive and move forward.

My dad was an alcoholic. Her dad is an alcoholic who she doesn't talk to any more. She used to say she made sure she talked to him before 5 pm because otherwise he was drunk.

Now I'm in the same position.

I hate how Australia's drinking culture makes alcohol all pervasive. It's so hidden the damage it does.

Anyways, that is all

Thank you :)
Your wife sounds like the way my sister (46) lives her life. Daily consumption of white wine which leaves her feeling like sh*t the next day. She acknowledges her habit/addiction but can’t seem to stop using just will power alone.

In your case, an intervention is your first step towards her hopefully seeking help for her addiction.

Guaranteed she has several underlining mental issues going on that need to be sorted out with professional counselling.

You’ve got young kids. Take drastic action and be prepared for hell on earth with her objections and excuses.

Hopefully after time she can live a life without alcohol and relieve the pressure your own life is under because of her addiction.
 

PhatBoy

Brownlow Medallist
May 5, 2016
26,044
27,582
AFL Club
Geelong
God I feel like sh*t.

18 months ago I posted in here about the affair I had that ruined my family. A year and a half on I’m still going through the motions and feeling unable to let my wife go even though she’s been utterly horrible to me. I’ve self harmed - I have basically a southern cross on my arm of cigarette Burns, stuff I’ve done as a combination of wanting to show that I’m sorry for what I’ve done, and wanting to punish myself.

my wife has said and done some of the most hurtful things imaginable to me. Stuff that I probably deserve because I cheated on her but stuff that also you don’t do or say to people you love.
Meanwhile I have this other person who I’m essentially in a relationship who absolutely worships the ground I walk on and treats me with respect, patience, acceptance, total understanding and compassion and most of all unconditional love and yet still my f***ed up brain won’t allow me to just move on and accept what could be an amazing life together.

I don’t feel suicidal in that I haven’t planned anything and I couldn’t do it to my kids. I’ve tried once and it was wrong. But my actual mood level is frequently at a suicidal point. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up some days.

because I’m affable and have a large friendship base and generally SEEM to carry the reputation of a good and nice bloke, other people come to me to talk about their issues and I actually love that they do but it just depresses me even more.

the worst part is wondering ‘will I be like this forever?’

I pray a lot and my belief sustains me but even that only goes so far.

I’m just fu**en miserable and feel like I’m just failing my way through life basically
 

Log in to remove this ad.

Kavliaris69

Club Legend
Sep 1, 2011
1,322
1,272
"A Little Left of Heaven"
AFL Club
Hawthorn
I've got no-one to talk to about my wife's alcoholism.

She ignores it, says she's "piss-fit" like it's a joke... drinks at least a bottle of wine every single night, in front of our kids who are both under 12. Usually a bottle and a half. Some times 2.

She wakes up everyday saying she's sick and didn't sleep well... It's obvious it's a hangover from getting drunk every single day for two years, but she says she doesn't get hangovers.

I am working so hard on trying to find positive things in my life, and I feel like I'm making progress, but the sign of her on her phone getting pissed every night makes me so anxious and depressed.

I can't talk to her about, because it just causes a fight.

I'm so lost and depressed.

I do exercise, meditation, mindfulness, and try to practice detachment but geeez it's a struggle to stay positive and move forward.

My dad was an alcoholic. Her dad is an alcoholic who she doesn't talk to any more. She used to say she made sure she talked to him before 5 pm because otherwise he was drunk.

Now I'm in the same position.

I hate how Australia's drinking culture makes alcohol all pervasive. It's so hidden the damage it does.

Anyways, that is all

Thank you :)
Sorry to hear SM. I have known a few alcoholics and have spoken to them but they just brush it off
and deny they may have a problem. Whenever I visit they always have a stubbie in their hand and it doesnt
matter what time of day it is or who is around.

It can be a serious disease similar to gambling. Best idea is speak to one of her trusted friends and maybe
she may listen to another voice. Not sure how else you can tackle it. You and your kids deserve to be happy
and so does your wife. I think you should try every avenue possible but I guess there is a limit on how much
someone can take. The last thing that you would want is for this to make you walk away or threaten to.
She may be willing to change at the thought of losing her kids due to her habit, but not good to use kids as pawns.
But like I said before one can only take so much and you don't want your kids to see you both self-destruct.

Hope that you can find a way through for both of your well being. All the best friend.
 

Ando727

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 12, 2009
6,325
13,269
Hobart
AFL Club
Melbourne
God I feel like sh*t.

18 months ago I posted in here about the affair I had that ruined my family. A year and a half on I’m still going through the motions and feeling unable to let my wife go even though she’s been utterly horrible to me. I’ve self harmed - I have basically a southern cross on my arm of cigarette Burns, stuff I’ve done as a combination of wanting to show that I’m sorry for what I’ve done, and wanting to punish myself.

my wife has said and done some of the most hurtful things imaginable to me. Stuff that I probably deserve because I cheated on her but stuff that also you don’t do or say to people you love.
Meanwhile I have this other person who I’m essentially in a relationship who absolutely worships the ground I walk on and treats me with respect, patience, acceptance, total understanding and compassion and most of all unconditional love and yet still my f***ed up brain won’t allow me to just move on and accept what could be an amazing life together.

I don’t feel suicidal in that I haven’t planned anything and I couldn’t do it to my kids. I’ve tried once and it was wrong. But my actual mood level is frequently at a suicidal point. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up some days.

because I’m affable and have a large friendship base and generally SEEM to carry the reputation of a good and nice bloke, other people come to me to talk about their issues and I actually love that they do but it just depresses me even more.

the worst part is wondering ‘will I be like this forever?’

I pray a lot and my belief sustains me but even that only goes so far.

I’m just fu**en miserable and feel like I’m just failing my way through life basically
Sounds pretty wretched, mate!

At some point you will have to let this struggle with your wife go, it's just a question of how much damage you're going to let it do to the both of you before you do. It's been long enough that you now have your answer as to the state/survivability of your marriage. I'd say you should do yourself and your wife a favour and move on now. It's completely toxic at this point - and it's going to keep you both from moving on to be happy. You're probably allowing the abuse from your wife to continue because you're waiting for her to forgive you on some level. But that's not going to happen - better to just accept that. She's going to be pissed about that til the end of time. Let her have her feelings and separate your lives so you can have some peace. Your children are really the only part you need to confer with her about now.

You also need to consider what your girlfriend is having to endure and what's fair to her. You don't need to worry about whether you seem like a good bloke to people, you just need to focus on getting your life in order. The rest will take care of itself. If people fall out of your life, so be it. But you can't keep on with this self-flagellation act. It helps nobody, and it won't even help you deal with whatever guilt your feeling. Go and claim your happiness if you can see it right there waiting for you to grab it. Life is short - don't spend it doing this to yourself. Get yourself an official custody arrangement for your kids, and move on. I also recommend a change of scenery if you can swing it. New house in a new area. Helps clear out the ghosts.
 

PhatBoy

Brownlow Medallist
May 5, 2016
26,044
27,582
AFL Club
Geelong
Sounds pretty wretched, mate!

At some point you will have to let this struggle with your wife go, it's just a question of how much damage you're going to let it do to the both of you before you do. It's been long enough that you now have your answer as to the state/survivability of your marriage. I'd say you should do yourself and your wife a favour and move on now. It's completely toxic at this point - and it's going to keep you both from moving on to be happy. You're probably allowing the abuse from your wife to continue because you're waiting for her to forgive you on some level. But that's not going to happen - better to just accept that. She's going to be pissed about that til the end of time. Let her have her feelings and separate your lives so you can have some peace. Your children are really the only part you need to confer with her about now.

You also need to consider what your girlfriend is having to endure and what's fair to her. You don't need to worry about whether you seem like a good bloke to people, you just need to focus on getting your life in order. The rest will take care of itself. If people fall out of your life, so be it. But you can't keep on with this self-flagellation act. It helps nobody, and it won't even help you deal with whatever guilt your feeling. Go and claim your happiness if you can see it right there waiting for you to grab it. Life is short - don't spend it doing this to yourself. Get yourself an official custody arrangement for your kids, and move on. I also recommend a change of scenery if you can swing it. New house in a new area. Helps clear out the ghosts.
All very good and positive advice mate.

my wife had every right to never speak to me again after what I did but leading up to it our marriage had been very one sided and sterile and everyone professional or otherwise that I’ve spoke to, I’ve given a very honest and even account of how things were. They all say the same - yes what you did was wrong but she hss To own her part in things Getting to that stage.

she and I both tried to make it work but two things were stopping it. One was obviously the feelings I harboured for the other girl, and the second was the revenge measures my wife took. Posted it all over Facebook. Sat with me while I told my parents Over the phone. Marched me into work (the other woman was a work colleague) to tell my boss. She has hit me, told me to kill myself, told the kids things about me, and even when we were separated and I sent her a long email telling her how sorry I was and that I still love her and care about her - her first reaction was to screenshot it and send it to the other woman and use a very heartfelt honest letter as a weapon against me. When she slept with someone randomly it hurt. A lot. He was 16 years younger than her and two years above our stepdaughter at school.

she knew it hurt me, when I asked her how she felt, her response was ‘it was good. He was attentive to me. Several times.’ That stung so much. I had poured my heart and soul into treating her like a Queen.
Even when she’s trying to be nice there are things she says that hurt. I’m very self conscious about the way I look and she knows this. She messaged me at one point when I was feeling about as low as I could get and she said ‘you’re beautiful. In your own way.’ That’s supposed to be a compliment but the ‘in your own way’ bit hurt so much. The other girl meanwhile says ‘I wouldn’t chNge a thing about you, I love your body just the way it is and it’s perfect.’

all of this leads me to the logical conclusion that I have one person who is completely in love with me and accepting and respectful and kind and gentle and she’s utterly gorgeous. My wife is 6 years older than me, not as nice to look at in theory (though I still think and have always thought that she’s beautiful), she is spiteful, nasty, hate filled and I don’t believe she has any respect for me. She sees the bad in me before she sees the good. She loves me or loved me ‘despite’ certain things about me rather than because of them.

I should hate her and be glad and feel better off without her. But doing what I did goes so far against my moral code (I knew it was wrong but rationalised it in my head at the time under some massive spell of disillusionment) has meant that everything that has happened to me I’ve born the guilt of. At one point I got so wound up with proving that I was sorry that I actually concussed myself and beat my own face black and blue - seriously I looked like I’d been in a boxing match.

in mediation the other day when she was out of the room I simply broke down and said ‘I want to hate her so much but I can’t. I love her.’ I know we are toxic for each other. I know we are better off apart and starting new lives with other people but the pain of shame and guilt that I carry makes it so hard.

looking around at other people and how easily they recognise that someone is bad for them and they move on - it just makes me feel abnormal and stupid for feeling the way I do
 

Ando727

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 12, 2009
6,325
13,269
Hobart
AFL Club
Melbourne
All very good and positive advice mate.

my wife had every right to never speak to me again after what I did but leading up to it our marriage had been very one sided and sterile and everyone professional or otherwise that I’ve spoke to, I’ve given a very honest and even account of how things were. They all say the same - yes what you did was wrong but she hss To own her part in things Getting to that stage.

she and I both tried to make it work but two things were stopping it. One was obviously the feelings I harboured for the other girl, and the second was the revenge measures my wife took. Posted it all over Facebook. Sat with me while I told my parents Over the phone. Marched me into work (the other woman was a work colleague) to tell my boss. She has hit me, told me to kill myself, told the kids things about me, and even when we were separated and I sent her a long email telling her how sorry I was and that I still love her and care about her - her first reaction was to screenshot it and send it to the other woman and use a very heartfelt honest letter as a weapon against me. When she slept with someone randomly it hurt. A lot. He was 16 years younger than her and two years above our stepdaughter at school.

she knew it hurt me, when I asked her how she felt, her response was ‘it was good. He was attentive to me. Several times.’ That stung so much. I had poured my heart and soul into treating her like a Queen.
Even when she’s trying to be nice there are things she says that hurt. I’m very self conscious about the way I look and she knows this. She messaged me at one point when I was feeling about as low as I could get and she said ‘you’re beautiful. In your own way.’ That’s supposed to be a compliment but the ‘in your own way’ bit hurt so much. The other girl meanwhile says ‘I wouldn’t chNge a thing about you, I love your body just the way it is and it’s perfect.’

all of this leads me to the logical conclusion that I have one person who is completely in love with me and accepting and respectful and kind and gentle and she’s utterly gorgeous. My wife is 6 years older than me, not as nice to look at in theory (though I still think and have always thought that she’s beautiful), she is spiteful, nasty, hate filled and I don’t believe she has any respect for me. She sees the bad in me before she sees the good. She loves me or loved me ‘despite’ certain things about me rather than because of them.

I should hate her and be glad and feel better off without her. But doing what I did goes so far against my moral code (I knew it was wrong but rationalised it in my head at the time under some massive spell of disillusionment) has meant that everything that has happened to me I’ve born the guilt of. At one point I got so wound up with proving that I was sorry that I actually concussed myself and beat my own face black and blue - seriously I looked like I’d been in a boxing match.

in mediation the other day when she was out of the room I simply broke down and said ‘I want to hate her so much but I can’t. I love her.’ I know we are toxic for each other. I know we are better off apart and starting new lives with other people but the pain of shame and guilt that I carry makes it so hard.

looking around at other people and how easily they recognise that someone is bad for them and they move on - it just makes me feel abnormal and stupid for feeling the way I do
The biggest hurdle you've got there is a broken communication style. Nothing can be resolved - but I think you're pinning your happiness on getting some sort of resolution. It's hard to know if it's because she is so emotionally messed up that she can't access a rational communication style with you, or if it's because she's getting continual payoff from watching you squirm and punish yourself. She probably thinks it's good to see you hate yourself - like it serves you right. And no doubt she has plenty of friends and family who are egging her on to keep punishing you. People do tend to make it about that one "unforgivable" act, rather than recognising that a whole host of things were not working which is what led to that act. She's not willing to look at her part in things - it's only about pinning it all on you. That's why you can't make any progress. It's not something that's likely to end until one or both of you are in a pretty desperate state of mental health. I think this is a worrying situation. You need to protect yourself more by disengaging from this now. Everything you could say to her has been said now. I think you have a chance to show her the way by saying you're finished with the toxicity and you are not going to engage in this emotional warfare anymore. You really will be helping her as much as yourself. You both have lives to live and you want to show your kids that this isn't how things are going to be forever. You actually will be better off without each other. It's an attachment that feels like it can't be released, but in truth you can learn to move on from this. People do. I hope you can. You've got it better than most in this situation - a partner who's super supportive and encouraging of you. Most people fresh out of a marriage breakdown are stone cold alone. Take the leap, mate. There are better times ahead if you can break this chain.
 
Last edited:

SBD Gonzalez

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 5, 2012
16,182
24,443
AFL Club
Sydney
Other Teams
Kidding, right?
I think this article about professional sport and how we view depression is relevant here. Hope it gives some people with depression some courage to stand up for their right to be treated with dignity and sympathy. You certainly have my respect and admiration for what you're battling with every day.

 

kittypurry

Rookie
Oct 2, 2020
45
203
AFL Club
Geelong
God I feel like sh*t.

18 months ago I posted in here about the affair I had that ruined my family. A year and a half on I’m still going through the motions and feeling unable to let my wife go even though she’s been utterly horrible to me. I’ve self harmed - I have basically a southern cross on my arm of cigarette Burns, stuff I’ve done as a combination of wanting to show that I’m sorry for what I’ve done, and wanting to punish myself.

my wife has said and done some of the most hurtful things imaginable to me. Stuff that I probably deserve because I cheated on her but stuff that also you don’t do or say to people you love.
Meanwhile I have this other person who I’m essentially in a relationship who absolutely worships the ground I walk on and treats me with respect, patience, acceptance, total understanding and compassion and most of all unconditional love and yet still my f***ed up brain won’t allow me to just move on and accept what could be an amazing life together.

I don’t feel suicidal in that I haven’t planned anything and I couldn’t do it to my kids. I’ve tried once and it was wrong. But my actual mood level is frequently at a suicidal point. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up some days.

because I’m affable and have a large friendship base and generally SEEM to carry the reputation of a good and nice bloke, other people come to me to talk about their issues and I actually love that they do but it just depresses me even more.

the worst part is wondering ‘will I be like this forever?’

I pray a lot and my belief sustains me but even that only goes so far.

I’m just fu**en miserable and feel like I’m just failing my way through life basically
Man, sending you good vibes. This is a terrible situation.

Listen, nobody wants a partner who worships them. It is human nature to want what we cannot have. If someone is easily accessible to you, it's hard to feel excited by that. It's not your specific brain that will not allow you to move on with this person who loves you unconditionally; it is the human brain. This is politically incorrect but I don't care: Men like to chase. They like to feel they have earned their partner, and when a woman worships a man, there is no chase involved for him. It's unsatisfying to him. That's one of the reasons why you cannot move on and commit to this new person. I'm telling you this just so you stop beating yourself up about not being able to move on. That doesn't make your brain broken in any way. It's just the human brain doing its human brain thing.
 

Mitchell Madness

Brownlow Medallist
Apr 17, 2006
21,285
9,784
???
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Other Teams
Miami Dolphins(NFL)
I had a breakdown the other night, and it sucks.
16 yrs to fight, and back to square one.
I'll get there though.

I've started a tiktok video log/journal to keep myself going and help those struggling
Not sure if I can post the link here
 

Ando727

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 12, 2009
6,325
13,269
Hobart
AFL Club
Melbourne
Man, sending you good vibes. This is a terrible situation.

Listen, nobody wants a partner who worships them. It is human nature to want what we cannot have. If someone is easily accessible to you, it's hard to feel excited by that. It's not your specific brain that will not allow you to move on with this person who loves you unconditionally; it is the human brain. This is politically incorrect but I don't care: Men like to chase. They like to feel they have earned their partner, and when a woman worships a man, there is no chase involved for him. It's unsatisfying to him. That's one of the reasons why you cannot move on and commit to this new person. I'm telling you this just so you stop beating yourself up about not being able to move on. That doesn't make your brain broken in any way. It's just the human brain doing its human brain thing.
I think that depends on the person, mate. I lost interest in the chase a long way back. It's a thankless endeavour which doesn't pay off in the long run. I'd rather just find somebody with a good personality, a package I like to look at, and some common interests. I'm over having to work hard to prove I'm worthy of somebody. I'm in the longest relationship I've ever had now - and funnily enough, the physical chemistry has not waned at all - and that's after almost 9 years. So I think that counters the idea that excitement is something that is purely bound up in the chase. The caveman brain probably has some contribution, but I think there are higher brain functions which rank higher for most people - especially when it comes to long term relationships. Stability and compatibility are absolute deal-breakers for a lot of people - even if the biological urge is pointing them to a different choice. In this case, I think there is such a stark contrast between the unconditional acceptance of a new partner and the guilt-tripping of an ex-wife, it could easily give rise to a cognitive dissonance regarding whether somebody deserves love or forgiveness.

I interpret this situation less in terms of anthropology, and more in terms of interpersonal dynamics. There's an unhealthy attachment, and a need for approval and forgiveness. I really can't see this being a case of attraction due to having to chase it. They've been married for ages, after all. The chase has already happened. Now it's about whether this relationship is healthy or not, and why he still seeks something from her. Of course, it's possible his new girlfriend is just not creating the spark with him, despite being incredibly nice and lovely. I think it comes down to the fact that he is still seeking approval and forgiveness from the ex, and the institution of the marriage/family which we're not supposed to give up on. I would agree with your proposal if a guy has just met two new women and is deciding which one to pursue - that's when the caveman instincts kick in. But in this case, I think it's far more bound up in attachment. Attachments are hard to break.
 

PhatBoy

Brownlow Medallist
May 5, 2016
26,044
27,582
AFL Club
Geelong
I think that depends on the person, mate. I lost interest in the chase a long way back. It's a thankless endeavour which doesn't pay off in the long run. I'd rather just find somebody with a good personality, a package I like to look at, and some common interests. I'm over having to work hard to prove I'm worthy of somebody. I'm in the longest relationship I've ever had now - and funnily enough, the physical chemistry has not waned at all - and that's after almost 9 years. So I think that counters the idea that excitement is something that is purely bound up in the chase. The caveman brain probably has some contribution, but I think there are higher brain functions which rank higher for most people - especially when it comes to long term relationships. Stability and compatibility are absolute deal-breakers for a lot of people - even if the biological urge is pointing them to a different choice. In this case, I think there is such a stark contrast between the unconditional acceptance of a new partner and the guilt-tripping of an ex-wife, it could easily give rise to a cognitive dissonance regarding whether somebody deserves love or forgiveness.

I interpret this situation less in terms of anthropology, and more in terms of interpersonal dynamics. There's an unhealthy attachment, and a need for approval and forgiveness. I really can't see this being a case of attraction due to having to chase it. They've been married for ages, after all. The chase has already happened. Now it's about whether this relationship is healthy or not, and why he still seeks something from her. Of course, it's possible his new girlfriend is just not creating the spark with him, despite being incredibly nice and lovely. I think it comes down to the fact that he is still seeking approval and forgiveness from the ex, and the institution of the marriage/family which we're not supposed to give up on. I would agree with your proposal if a guy has just met two new women and is deciding which one to pursue - that's when the caveman instincts kick in. But in this case, I think it's far more bound up in attachment. Attachments are hard to break.
I’m a bit in the middle. I like to prove myself and show that I’m worthy and that I can do something to deserve love and affection.

one of the big things that’s hurt me is that leading up to the affair my life was boring, sterile and my wife had little if any interest in me. She loved me but in a ‘I’m so comfortable having this person next to me’ kind of way.
She accepted after the affair that she took me for granted and didn’t put any effort into making me feel loved or wanted. In the moments I’ve tried to make it work with her she has been more affectionate and spontaneous but it has felt like she has had to force herself. I’ve seen how she interacts with the men she has tried to start relationships with since and she is a totally different person so I feel that rejection from before a lot more. Ie. ‘you turn it on for these guys and want to go out with them and be sexual and affectionate to people you barely know, why could you never do that for me?’ It hurts. I poured everything into making her feel loved and wanted and attractive and it got me nowhere now anyone walks into her life and that’s all there waiting for them. Like I was her warm up.
 

Ando727

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 12, 2009
6,325
13,269
Hobart
AFL Club
Melbourne
I’m a bit in the middle. I like to prove myself and show that I’m worthy and that I can do something to deserve love and affection.

one of the big things that’s hurt me is that leading up to the affair my life was boring, sterile and my wife had little if any interest in me. She loved me but in a ‘I’m so comfortable having this person next to me’ kind of way.
She accepted after the affair that she took me for granted and didn’t put any effort into making me feel loved or wanted. In the moments I’ve tried to make it work with her she has been more affectionate and spontaneous but it has felt like she has had to force herself. I’ve seen how she interacts with the men she has tried to start relationships with since and she is a totally different person so I feel that rejection from before a lot more. Ie. ‘you turn it on for these guys and want to go out with them and be sexual and affectionate to people you barely know, why could you never do that for me?’ It hurts. I poured everything into making her feel loved and wanted and attractive and it got me nowhere now anyone walks into her life and that’s all there waiting for them. Like I was her warm up.
Yeah, that sucks mate. Sounds like she's applying extra effort just to rub it in. It's like you build somebody up because you care about them, then at some stage they think they are too good for you. Now she's humiliating you just for revenge. It's a very cold-hearted thing to do to somebody you've spent a large amount of your life with - which is why I think eventually it's going to hit you that she's not the one for you. People shouldn't be hurting each other this deeply if they really care. I think you'll have to take the lessons you've learned from this and use them to make sure you get what you need in future relationships - whether it's with the girl you're seeing now, or somebody else. We have to know ourselves really well first, so we can get what we need from our relationships - and so we know what we can offer to somebody else. It seems like you've gained a lot more self-knowledge out of this, so that bodes well for looking after yourself and your needs better in the future.
 

(Log in to remove this ad.)

PhatBoy

Brownlow Medallist
May 5, 2016
26,044
27,582
AFL Club
Geelong
Yeah, that sucks mate. Sounds like she's applying extra effort just to rub it in. It's like you build somebody up because you care about them, then at some stage they think they are too good for you. Now she's humiliating you just for revenge. It's a very cold-hearted thing to do to somebody you've spent a large amount of your life with - which is why I think eventually it's going to hit you that she's not the one for you. People shouldn't be hurting each other this deeply if they really care. I think you'll have to take the lessons you've learned from this and use them to make sure you get what you need in future relationships - whether it's with the girl you're seeing now, or somebody else. We have to know ourselves really well first, so we can get what we need from our relationships - and so we know what we can offer to somebody else. It seems like you've gained a lot more self-knowledge out of this, so that bodes well for looking after yourself and your needs better in the future.
Thanks mate I really appreciate your words. Nights like tonight are tough. No music gigs this weekend so I’ve got two nights off, I have the kids. For so many years this would be the ‘right work is finished let’s you something all together’ sort of weekend and I’d try and top it off with a massage and a bottle of wine and some loving if I was lucky. Now it’s just about making it through each day without having a breakdown. It will get easier once myself and my current girl can settle into a routine and actually see each other regularly but for now if either of us had our kids the other person is off limits and it is a very lonely existence even allowing for how much I cherish my two little mates. I just want the hurt to stop. It feels like it never will
 

Electronic_Renaissance

Team Captain
Mar 25, 2021
332
411
East of the Sun, West of the Moon
AFL Club
Fremantle
Your wife sounds like the way my sister (46) lives her life. Daily consumption of white wine which leaves her feeling like sh*t the next day. She acknowledges her habit/addiction but can’t seem to stop using just will power alone.

In your case, an intervention is your first step towards her hopefully seeking help for her addiction.

Guaranteed she has several underlining mental issues going on that need to be sorted out with professional counselling.

You’ve got young kids. Take drastic action and be prepared for hell on earth with her objections and excuses.

Hopefully after time she can live a life without alcohol and relieve the pressure your own life is under because of her addiction.
There is also medication you can take that can help with cravings. I've had no experience with it myself but maybe you or Sydney Malakellis could have a quiet world with your GP. The last thing they should do is quit cold turkey. You need to go through a Dr. You can die from sudden alcohol withdraw (seizures etc.), though it depends on how physically addicted they are.

Hope it gets sorted for both of your family members.
 

Electronic_Renaissance

Team Captain
Mar 25, 2021
332
411
East of the Sun, West of the Moon
AFL Club
Fremantle
I've been feeling really bad lately. The three different medications I'm taking daily aren't doing much. Maybe they are and without them things would be even worse, I don't know.

Anxiety has gotten much worse. I also have depression, but to me anxiety is the worst feeling I've ever had. Both mentally and physically. I also can't sleep, despite all the sedatives I take (prescribed, never done illicit drugs).

A lot of it is hereditary. Every one of my immediate family is affected in some way but I am by far the worst. Extended family also affected.

Can't wait for my next appointment with my psychiatrist, but it comes in waves and I'll probably be a bit better by then.

Don't know what I'm trying to say, just had to get that out.
 

PhatBoy

Brownlow Medallist
May 5, 2016
26,044
27,582
AFL Club
Geelong
I've been feeling really bad lately. The three different medications I'm taking daily aren't doing much. Maybe they are and without them things would be even worse, I don't know.

Anxiety has gotten much worse. I also have depression, but to me anxiety is the worst feeling I've ever had. Both mentally and physically. I also can't sleep, despite all the sedatives I take (prescribed, never done illicit drugs).

A lot of it is hereditary. Every one of my immediate family is affected in some way but I am by far the worst. Extended family also affected.

Can't wait for my next appointment with my psychiatrist, but it comes in waves and I'll probably be a bit better by then.

Don't know what I'm trying to say, just had to get that out.
Thinking of you mate. This disease is a ******* b*tch
 

Electronic_Renaissance

Team Captain
Mar 25, 2021
332
411
East of the Sun, West of the Moon
AFL Club
Fremantle
Thinking of you mate. This disease is a ******* b*tch
Thanks mate. I woke up terrible during the middle of last night. Anxiety so bad, my stomach was just churning. I even vomited a couple of times.

Took a Valium (or equivalent), it took the edge off a little bit. I still couldn't get up until 12:30pm today.

Feel a bit better now, but anxiety is the worst feeling in the world. You just want to escape from you own body.
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
25,224
11,363
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
Thanks mate. I woke up terrible during the middle of last night. Anxiety so bad, my stomach was just churning. I even vomited a couple of times.

Took a Valium (or equivalent), it took the edge off a little bit. I still couldn't get up until 12:30pm today.

Feel a bit better now, but anxiety is the worst feeling in the world. You just want to escape from you own body.
I've SO been there! Anxiety is excruciating. You've described it very well, you just want to escape the feelings, the fear. It's like being surrounded by your worst fear 24/7 with no relief. But the solution can often be the opposite of running. Embrace the situations that make you anxious, and lean into the anxiety feelings themselves. By allowing them to just be without resistance you gain some control, and eventually the feelings normalise and the fear leaves. Dr Claire Weekes, an Aussie GP, explains this really well in the books she has published. She was a sufferer herself.

How long have you been on your meds? They really can take many months to have full effect. For me they take 3-4 months to reduce the physical symptoms enough that I can do the rest with my other skills.
 

Electronic_Renaissance

Team Captain
Mar 25, 2021
332
411
East of the Sun, West of the Moon
AFL Club
Fremantle
I've SO been there! Anxiety is excruciating. You've described it very well, you just want to escape the feelings, the fear. It's like being surrounded by your worst fear 24/7 with no relief. But the solution can often be the opposite of running. Embrace the situations that make you anxious, and lean into the anxiety feelings themselves. By allowing them to just be without resistance you gain some control, and eventually the feelings normalise and the fear leaves. Dr Claire Weekes, an Aussie GP, explains this really well in the books she has published. She was a sufferer herself.

How long have you been on your meds? They really can take many months to have full effect. For me they take 3-4 months to reduce the physical symptoms enough that I can do the rest with my other skills.
Been on various meds for nearly 18 years. Been through almost the lot. I've been described as "treatment resistant, you name it, I've probably been on it.

Was ok for quite a while but in the last month I've had two of these anxiety attacks. Always had anxiety but not for years at that level. There is no real reason for having them, I just blow up over some very minor thing. That's the illness I suppose, your anxiety doesn't reflect reality.

I remember the first time I had one, I was keeping all this from my parents. I was so bad at that time I was going to do something to myself, my parents took me to a psychiatrist (my usual one was not in). He asked a good question:

"Did you want to die or did you want the feeling to go away?". I didn't want to die, I just in so much pain that was the only way I thought I could stop the feeling.
 

Electronic_Renaissance

Team Captain
Mar 25, 2021
332
411
East of the Sun, West of the Moon
AFL Club
Fremantle
Checking in.

Feels like one step forward one step back. Last week was a write off,

But I’m trying to do positive things. I’m doing one thing today which is a big thing in dealing with a lot of the sh*t I have gone through.
Hope it works out for you. It can be hard to keep positive but It's good that you are trying.
 

PhatBoy

Brownlow Medallist
May 5, 2016
26,044
27,582
AFL Club
Geelong
Been on various meds for nearly 18 years. Been through almost the lot. I've been described as "treatment resistant, you name it, I've probably been on it.

Was ok for quite a while but in the last month I've had two of these anxiety attacks. Always had anxiety but not for years at that level. There is no real reason for having them, I just blow up over some very minor thing. That's the illness I suppose, your anxiety doesn't reflect reality.

I remember the first time I had one, I was keeping all this from my parents. I was so bad at that time I was going to do something to myself, my parents took me to a psychiatrist (my usual one was not in). He asked a good question:

"Did you want to die or did you want the feeling to go away?". I didn't want to die, I just in so much pain that was the only way I thought I could stop the feeling.
Know that exact feeling.

I was asked by one of the counsellors during mediation last week if I was a safety risk and planning on hurting myself.

my response was thus:

‘I am not suicidal in that I am planning to end my life. My mood is suicidal in that I think it’s the only way I could ever be free of this feeling and if I was offered the chance to just fall asleep and never wake up I would find it hard to say no.’
 

Remove this Banner Ad