Mod. Notice Depressed? Anxious? Call Beyond Blue (1300 224636), Lifeline (131114), resources in OP

Remove this Banner Ad

Electronic_Renaissance

I ain't sayin' nothin'!
Mar 25, 2021
2,946
6,662
Omnipresent
AFL Club
Fremantle
Other Teams
Las Vegas Bears, Perth Scorchers
Know that exact feeling.

I was asked by one of the counsellors during mediation last week if I was a safety risk and planning on hurting myself.

my response was thus:

‘I am not suicidal in that I am planning to end my life. My mood is suicidal in that I think it’s the only way I could ever be free of this feeling and if I was offered the chance to just fall asleep and never wake up I would find it hard to say no.’

You've described it perfectly. I really didn't realise there are so many like me. It's good to have a place to talk about these things. But it's sad that so many feel like this.
 

PhatBoy

Hall of Famer
May 5, 2016
32,216
34,912
AFL Club
Geelong
Adding to my current mental state is a peculiar run of what I believe is epilepsy related moments I’ve been having and they’re scaring the duck out of me.

I get déjà vu regularly and it makes me nauseous and often I feel I need to vomit. This isn’t unheard of for epileptics - many of us get ‘auras’ before we have a seizure and these can often be related to déjà vu. That I know of, this has never happened to me but every time I have that feeling, I’m terrified I’m going to have a seizure. Last night I had an aura when I went to the work car park. It was followed by a hallucination where I swore blind that someone had put seat covers on my car seats and I literally had to check my plates to see if I’d gone to the wrong vehicle. It ******* terrified me. I’ve been worrying all day that I’m literally going crazy
 

Electronic_Renaissance

I ain't sayin' nothin'!
Mar 25, 2021
2,946
6,662
Omnipresent
AFL Club
Fremantle
Other Teams
Las Vegas Bears, Perth Scorchers
Adding to my current mental state is a peculiar run of what I believe is epilepsy related moments I’ve been having and they’re scaring the fu** out of me.

I get déjà vu regularly and it makes me nauseous and often I feel I need to vomit. This isn’t unheard of for epileptics - many of us get ‘auras’ before we have a seizure and these can often be related to déjà vu. That I know of, this has never happened to me but every time I have that feeling, I’m terrified I’m going to have a seizure. Last night I had an aura when I went to the work car park. It was followed by a hallucination where I swore blind that someone had put seat covers on my car seats and I literally had to check my plates to see if I’d gone to the wrong vehicle. It ******* terrified me. I’ve been worrying all day that I’m literally going crazy

Do you think it could be migraines? I get migraines myself. A migraine is not a headache, it is a whole nother level. Auras are a common sign of a migraine, I don't get them myself, but I know when I have a migraine and it is not a plain old headache. The auras can also cause hallucinations but I don't get them. Everyone is different.

Have you or are you seeing a Dr about it?
 

Log in to remove this ad.

Cotchins Hair Piece

Bouffant Flat Top
Mar 6, 2019
4,334
9,718
AFL Club
Melbourne
I’m currently completely up and down, on Zoloft and Xanax and a couple of other things but don’t think they’re really working because it’s situational for me. I have my kids 50/50 but it’s still not enough for me,
I love them to death. I suppose I may have some PTSD and underlying issues from my previous jobs but I took a year off with each of my daughters and we have such a great bond, my ex cheated on me the second time around with her boss. For the sake of my girls I never raised my voice or became angry, just hurt. We’re amicable because it’s best for the girls but jeez I’m really struggling, I’m completely exhausted and recently had thoughts about ending it all and it makes me feel at peace.

I joined defence at 18 straight out of school, did 8 years, discharged from defence on a Friday and started with police on a Monday which has now been over 10 years, most of my time as a Detective. With the break up and pain of it all I’m simply exhausted.
 
Last edited:

LeverPuller

BigFooty Tanker
Jun 23, 2011
34,669
39,963
Q49, Olympic Stand
AFL Club
Melbourne
Other Teams
Newcastle United Seattle Seahawks
I’m currently completely up and down, on Zoloft and Xanax and a couple of other things but don’t think they’re really working because it’s situational for me. I have my kids 50/50 but it’s still not enough for me,
I love them to death. I suppose I may have some PTSD and underlying issues from my previous jobs but I took a year off with each of my daughters and we have such a great bond, my ex cheated on me the second time around with her boss. For the sake of my girls I never raised my voice or became angry, just hurt. We’re amicable because it’s best for the girls but jeez I’m really struggling, I’m completely exhausted and recently had thoughts about ending it all and it makes me feel at peace.

I joined defence at 18 straight out of school, did 8 years, discharged from defence on a Friday and started with police on a Monday which has now been over 10 years, most of my time as a Detective. With the break up and pain of it all I’m simply exhausted.
Hope you’re going ok Cotch. Give your doc a call tomorrow yeah? And don’t be afraid to flick a message, we are all dealing with our stuff. Your girls need their dad, stick around for them
 

Cotchins Hair Piece

Bouffant Flat Top
Mar 6, 2019
4,334
9,718
AFL Club
Melbourne
Hope you’re going ok Cotch. Give your doc a call tomorrow yeah? And don’t be afraid to flick a message, we are all dealing with our stuff. Your girls need their dad, stick around for them
Thanks mate, only reason why I’m here is because of my girls. I should have got help earlier but when you’re young you think you’re bullet proof. My last tour of the Middle East I broke my back. Since then had a couple of spinal fusions. Don’t mean to whinge but everything is just catching up with me. I’m 38 and feel like I’m going on 88. Exhausted. Appreciate your message bud. Hope you’re doing well.
 

Xtreme

Hall of Famer
Jul 21, 2006
43,623
37,230
Melbourne
AFL Club
Hawthorn
I’m currently completely up and down, on Zoloft and Xanax and a couple of other things but don’t think they’re really working because it’s situational for me. I have my kids 50/50 but it’s still not enough for me,
I love them to death. I suppose I may have some PTSD and underlying issues from my previous jobs but I took a year off with each of my daughters and we have such a great bond, my ex cheated on me the second time around with her boss. For the sake of my girls I never raised my voice or became angry, just hurt. We’re amicable because it’s best for the girls but jeez I’m really struggling, I’m completely exhausted and recently had thoughts about ending it all and it makes me feel at peace.

I joined defence at 18 straight out of school, did 8 years, discharged from defence on a Friday and started with police on a Monday which has now been over 10 years, most of my time as a Detective. With the break up and pain of it all I’m simply exhausted.

You can tell me to mind my own business, but you have a lot to live for and still so much to give (including advice and words of wisdom to your kids + seeing them grow into adults and eventually be a grandfather etc). Plus you've got to be around to see Melbourne finally have good fortune in footy for a change!!!!!
 

Deliverance

Brownlow Medallist
Jun 19, 2011
17,405
29,146
MCG
AFL Club
Hawthorn
I’m currently completely up and down, on Zoloft and Xanax and a couple of other things but don’t think they’re really working because it’s situational for me. I have my kids 50/50 but it’s still not enough for me,
I love them to death. I suppose I may have some PTSD and underlying issues from my previous jobs but I took a year off with each of my daughters and we have such a great bond, my ex cheated on me the second time around with her boss. For the sake of my girls I never raised my voice or became angry, just hurt. We’re amicable because it’s best for the girls but jeez I’m really struggling, I’m completely exhausted and recently had thoughts about ending it all and it makes me feel at peace.

I joined defence at 18 straight out of school, did 8 years, discharged from defence on a Friday and started with police on a Monday which has now been over 10 years, most of my time as a Detective. With the break up and pain of it all I’m simply exhausted.
Can you afford $$$ to change careers? Both of those jobs are high stress and have probably taken a massive toll on you and inadvertently your relationships
Either that or you need to date another cop.
 

RoweyThePainter

Club Legend
May 17, 2021
1,877
1,491
AFL Club
Adelaide
Hi all. Didn't realise such a thread existed here, just took a look at the main board.

Fwiw, my only child, 4 year old son, died of leukemia 20 months ago. Bloody heartbreaking to put it lightly.

Since then my wife has had trouble conceiving, plus other probs I won't go into.

How do I go on? I don't know. I wish I was dead. That's just a fact. Not planning to kill myself but I would rather be with my son.

I just try to live for him, and think what he would want for me.

Anyway, to anyone who may read this I am happy to reach out if you wanna talk, and vice versa.
 

Cubs2Lions

Club Legend
Jan 12, 2021
1,426
3,101
Adelaide
AFL Club
Brisbane Lions
Other Teams
South Adelaide
Hi all. Didn't realise such a thread existed here, just took a look at the main board.

Fwiw, my only child, 4 year old son, died of leukemia 20 months ago. Bloody heartbreaking to put it lightly.

Since then my wife has had trouble conceiving, plus other probs I won't go into.

How do I go on? I don't know. I wish I was dead. That's just a fact. Not planning to kill myself but I would rather be with my son.

I just try to live for him, and think what he would want for me.

Anyway, to anyone who may read this I am happy to reach out if you wanna talk, and vice versa.
Holy shit mate, I'm so deeply sorry for that loss you had 20 months ago. I'm only a teenager so I have not experienced that level of grieving but I have had a similar tragic situation like that when I was a young kid, and holy duck it was tough to go through with time only helping ease the pain. I feel so sorry and sad for what you have had to go through these past 20 months after reading that cause no parent would want their kid to die young, especially in such tragic ways like that. I don't have the answers to your question sadly cause coping after death is different for all of us, but if ever feel like you need to talk someone or feel depressed/upset about it, regardless of the age gap, I and most people on here are always here to help you feel better about yourself, mentally and emotionally, and you can always message me in the personal chat/direct messaging on my profile, if you want to talk with me in particular about your feelings.

My personal advice from my 19 years of existence living in this world, would be to stay strong in the face of the pain/sorrow at all times, don't be afraid to cry about it to the closest people you love & know and understand that everyone on here will have their thoughts an prayers with you and your family during this difficult time you and your whole family live in. :heart:
 

RoweyThePainter

Club Legend
May 17, 2021
1,877
1,491
AFL Club
Adelaide
Holy sh*t mate, I'm so deeply sorry for that loss you had 20 months ago. I'm only a teenager so I have not experienced that level of grieving but I have had a similar tragic situation like that when I was a young kid, and holy fu** it was tough to go through with time only helping ease the pain. I feel so sorry and sad for what you have had to go through these past 20 months after reading that cause no parent would want their kid to die young, especially in such tragic ways like that. I don't have the answers to your question sadly cause coping after death is different for all of us, but if ever feel like you need to talk someone or feel depressed/upset about it, regardless of the age gap, I and most people on here are always here to help you feel better about yourself, mentally and emotionally, and you can always message me in the personal chat/direct messaging on my profile, if you want to talk with me in particular about your feelings.

My personal advice from this is to stay strong in the face of the pain at all times, don't be afraid to cry about it to the closest people you love & know and understand that everyone on here will have their thoughts an prayers with you and your family during this difficult time you live in. :heart:

Thanks friend, very kind words. Hope you are doing ok now, or at least better.

The only thing I will say about my situation is something I also heard Nick Riewoldt say about Maddie - time doesn't actually seem to make it better, it makes it worse because it's longer since you have been with them, held them, seen them.

In any case there are always people worse off and it's not about woe me, it's more the pain that my innocent son suffered and the guilt I feel for not being able to help him / alleviate his suffering, and for not being a better father to him.
 

Cubs2Lions

Club Legend
Jan 12, 2021
1,426
3,101
Adelaide
AFL Club
Brisbane Lions
Other Teams
South Adelaide
Thanks friend, very kind words. Hope you are doing ok now, or at least better.

The only thing I will say about my situation is something I also heard Nick Riewoldt say about Maddie - time doesn't actually seem to make it better, it makes it worse because it's longer since you have been with them, held them, seen them.

In any case there are always people worse off and it's not about woe me, it's more the pain that my innocent son suffered and the guilt I feel for not being able to help him / alleviate his suffering, and for not being a better father to him.
I understand friend, my younger brother died after 9 days of birth from an unknown condition, and my Mum and Dad in particular still feel upset 15 years later about the ordeal when it is his birthday & day he died. Time doesn't make it better sometimes don't get it wrong but don't feel bad about what you could have done better for that kid. I mean, I bet you were a wonderful father to that kid for those 4 years of existence, and he wouldn't have changed you for another father while he was still in this world.

Have you or do you see any mental health professionals since the tragedy btw that you could speak to about what you have experienced and what you are feeling. I know, when I was a young kid, I saw one over that tragedy I mentioned before and sure it was hell of a emotional rollercoaster for me in that room and sure there was a lot more visits where I would be upset leaving it, but it helped me expressed what I felt like during that experience and also hellp improve my mental state looking forward in life. Sure, it doesn't help my brother died 15 years ago and I still feel a little upset sometimes about it, but I have changed the way I look at life now and find hobbies that can help ease my pain, when it does occurs.
 

RoweyThePainter

Club Legend
May 17, 2021
1,877
1,491
AFL Club
Adelaide
I understand friend, my younger brother died after 9 days of birth from an unknown condition, and my Mum and Dad in particular still feel upset 15 years later about the ordeal when it is his birthday & day he died. I bet you were a wonderful father to that kid for those 4 years of existence, and he wouldn't have changed you for another father while he was still in this world. Have you or do you see any mental health professionals since the tragedy that you could speak to about what you have experienced and what you are feeling. I know, when I was a young kid, I saw one over that tragedy I mentioned, sure it was hell of a emotional rollercoaster for me in that room and sure there was a lot more visits where I would be upset, but it helped me expressed what I felt and improve my mental state looking forward in life. Sure, it doesn't help my brother died and I still feel a little upset sometimes about it, but I have changed the way I look at life and find hobbies that can help ease my pain, when it occurs.

That sounds too bad what you and your family have been thru. It never truly heals. My aunt lost her son 40 years ago. She still thinks about him every day altho she has 2 daughters.

Yes I have been to a doctor, called the help lines, been to counsellors, been to a cancer help group. None have helped at all. At all. They just look at me, silence, like there is nothing to say.

I want to talk to people who have been thru similar but how to do that?
 

(Log in to remove this ad.)

Cubs2Lions

Club Legend
Jan 12, 2021
1,426
3,101
Adelaide
AFL Club
Brisbane Lions
Other Teams
South Adelaide
That sounds too bad what you and your family have been thru. It never truly heals. My aunt lost her son 40 years ago. She still thinks about him every day altho she has 2 daughters.

Yes I have been to a doctor, called the help lines, been to counsellors, been to a cancer help group. None have helped at all. At all. They just look at me, silence, like there is nothing to say.

I want to talk to people who have been thru similar but how to do that?
I don't know either friend how to do find suitable groups in the mental health field that can help you sadly. I will say though talk to your family and all those around you who love you about what you are feeling and explain to them your concerns about you feel sad and can't find anywhere to talk to. As well, I would also participate in hobbies/interests you deeply enjoy in your life to take the pain away a little, eat healthy and exercise for the right amount of time to help feel better, physically & mentally and find some sort of meaning to life to help you feel better about like help serve the unfortunate or follow a religion to help find as much peace in yourself as possible.
 

RoweyThePainter

Club Legend
May 17, 2021
1,877
1,491
AFL Club
Adelaide
I don't know either friend how to do find suitable groups in the mental health field that can help you sadly. I will say though talk to your family and all those around you who love you about what you are feeling and explain to them your concerns about you feel sad and can't find anywhere to talk to. As well, I would also participate in hobbies/interests you deeply enjoy in your life to take the pain away a little, eat healthy and exercise for the right amount of time to help feel better, physically & mentally and find some sort of meaning to life to help you feel better about like help serve the unfortunate or follow a religion to help find as much peace in yourself as possible.

Thanks. I do try. I drink too much but at least I didn't turn to drugs.

Religion? No worthy god lets an innocent child suffer like that. It's just words.

Thankyou for your kindness. Let's all be strong and support each other.
 

Cubs2Lions

Club Legend
Jan 12, 2021
1,426
3,101
Adelaide
AFL Club
Brisbane Lions
Other Teams
South Adelaide
Thanks. I do try. I drink too much but at least I didn't turn to drugs.

Religion? No worthy god lets an innocent child suffer like that. It's just words.

Thankyou for your kindness. Let's all be strong and support each other.
No worries mate, remember it's alright to be upset and feel down about it cause it's just a normal emotion that is portrayed in the human body/mind. I would say though to maybe limit the amount of alcohol you have though cause even though it might help you feel better while you are intoxicated, the long term effects of consuming it can be damaging to your body.

Remember though, I am always here on this forum in the general public or if you want to chat privately, I am talk on private room on my profile, if you want to talk to me about your feelings/emotions at that moment of time, so don't be afraid to send me a "whats up" or "can we talk please" cause I will be happily alright to talk with you.
 

Ando727

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 12, 2009
6,554
13,779
Hobart
AFL Club
Melbourne
Hi all. Didn't realise such a thread existed here, just took a look at the main board.

Fwiw, my only child, 4 year old son, died of leukemia 20 months ago. Bloody heartbreaking to put it lightly.

Since then my wife has had trouble conceiving, plus other probs I won't go into.

How do I go on? I don't know. I wish I was dead. That's just a fact. Not planning to kill myself but I would rather be with my son.

I just try to live for him, and think what he would want for me.

Anyway, to anyone who may read this I am happy to reach out if you wanna talk, and vice versa.
My heart goes out to you, mate. What you've been through is so incredibly hard. Just heartbreaking. I hope you and your wife have kept close as you try to get through it. If you both suffer separately and independently it can be all the more lonely a tragedy. On the other hand you also have to keep living in the present and planning a future. You will need a balance of the two aspects, I think. Stop by here any time you need some moral support mate. It's a very supportive space.
 
Last edited:

RoweyThePainter

Club Legend
May 17, 2021
1,877
1,491
AFL Club
Adelaide
My heart goes out to you, mate. What you've been through is so incredibly hard. Just heartbreaking. I hope you and your wife have kept close as you try to get through it. If you both suffer separately and independently it can be all the more lonely a tragedy. On the other hand you also have to keep living in the present and planning a future. You will need a balance of the two aspects, I think. Stop by here any time you need some moral support mate. It's a very supportive space.

Thankyou. We haven't been getting along well either but a bit better at the moment.
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
25,449
11,624
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
Hi all. Didn't realise such a thread existed here, just took a look at the main board.

Fwiw, my only child, 4 year old son, died of leukemia 20 months ago. Bloody heartbreaking to put it lightly.

Since then my wife has had trouble conceiving, plus other probs I won't go into.

How do I go on? I don't know. I wish I was dead. That's just a fact. Not planning to kill myself but I would rather be with my son.

I just try to live for him, and think what he would want for me.

Anyway, to anyone who may read this I am happy to reach out if you wanna talk, and vice versa.
Oh man, I can't imagine the pain you and your wife have gone through. I really hope things turn around for you 2
 

LeverPuller

BigFooty Tanker
Jun 23, 2011
34,669
39,963
Q49, Olympic Stand
AFL Club
Melbourne
Other Teams
Newcastle United Seattle Seahawks
Well I had a big bite the bullet moment today.

I quit my job.

It’s high paying, high performing, in my dream field.

But the workplace is toxic and I’m just flat out done with it. I was fixing the panic attacks and work brought thrr eg m straight back.

And I actually feel relieved. I can breathe again. I am not waiting for the phone call of doom.

It’s wonderful.

I’m going to take a week to just rest when I finish up. Hot showers, meditation, long walks with a podcast.

I want to put serious effort into getting my mind right so my mind is ready for serious effort.

Happy to listen to any tips - non-medicated preferred.
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
25,449
11,624
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
Well I had a big bite the bullet moment today.

I quit my job.

It’s high paying, high performing, in my dream field.

But the workplace is toxic and I’m just flat out done with it. I was fixing the panic attacks and work brought thrr eg m straight back.

And I actually feel relieved. I can breathe again. I am not waiting for the phone call of doom.

It’s wonderful.

I’m going to take a week to just rest when I finish up. Hot showers, meditation, long walks with a podcast.

I want to put serious effort into getting my mind right so my mind is ready for serious effort.

Happy to listen to any tips - non-medicated preferred.
Bravo mate!

Keep us posted
 

RoweyThePainter

Club Legend
May 17, 2021
1,877
1,491
AFL Club
Adelaide
Well I had a big bite the bullet moment today.

I quit my job.

It’s high paying, high performing, in my dream field.

But the workplace is toxic and I’m just flat out done with it. I was fixing the panic attacks and work brought thrr eg m straight back.

And I actually feel relieved. I can breathe again. I am not waiting for the phone call of doom.

It’s wonderful.

I’m going to take a week to just rest when I finish up. Hot showers, meditation, long walks with a podcast.

I want to put serious effort into getting my mind right so my mind is ready for serious effort.

Happy to listen to any tips - non-medicated preferred.

Huge step. There is more to life than work, and if it is getting you down you have done the right thing.

Hope you have been enjoying your rancho relaxo week 🍹😎
 

Ando727

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 12, 2009
6,554
13,779
Hobart
AFL Club
Melbourne
Well I had a big bite the bullet moment today.

I quit my job.

It’s high paying, high performing, in my dream field.

But the workplace is toxic and I’m just flat out done with it. I was fixing the panic attacks and work brought thrr eg m straight back.

And I actually feel relieved. I can breathe again. I am not waiting for the phone call of doom.

It’s wonderful.

I’m going to take a week to just rest when I finish up. Hot showers, meditation, long walks with a podcast.

I want to put serious effort into getting my mind right so my mind is ready for serious effort.

Happy to listen to any tips - non-medicated preferred.
Good one, mate. Another way to frame the leaving of your job is that staying there was preventing you from starting a job that is better suited to you. I only mention that in case you find yourself second guessing your decision at some stage.

Take some time to stabilise and choose the right job for you when the time is right. As long as it pays enough for your needs, that's all you need. Your well-being is always priority number one.
 

John Who

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 16, 2017
7,729
5,839
AFL Club
Adelaide
That sounds too bad what you and your family have been thru. It never truly heals. My aunt lost her son 40 years ago. She still thinks about him every day altho she has 2 daughters.

Yes I have been to a doctor, called the help lines, been to counsellors, been to a cancer help group. None have helped at all. At all. They just look at me, silence, like there is nothing to say.

I want to talk to people who have been thru similar but how to do that?
Have you tried seeing a psychologist that specialises in grief? Or just a psychologist in general?

Grief counseling takes time and a GP may not be in the position to give you the time of therapy you’re after. Also, not all GPs are equally as good in dealing with mental health. So just a suggestion you might try and seek another GP who specialises more in mental health that allows more time to talk in an average consultation.
 

Remove this Banner Ad

Remove this Banner Ad