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John Who

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 16, 2017
7,539
5,582
AFL Club
Adelaide
Well I had a big bite the bullet moment today.

I quit my job.

It’s high paying, high performing, in my dream field.

But the workplace is toxic and I’m just flat out done with it. I was fixing the panic attacks and work brought thrr eg m straight back.

And I actually feel relieved. I can breathe again. I am not waiting for the phone call of doom.

It’s wonderful.

I’m going to take a week to just rest when I finish up. Hot showers, meditation, long walks with a podcast.

I want to put serious effort into getting my mind right so my mind is ready for serious effort.

Happy to listen to any tips - non-medicated preferred.
Sometimes...”rest is best”.
 

Mr north man

Club Legend
Mar 12, 2016
2,032
1,398
AFL Club
North Melbourne
Holy sh*t mate, I'm so deeply sorry for that loss you had 20 months ago. I'm only a teenager so I have not experienced that level of grieving but I have had a similar tragic situation like that when I was a young kid, and holy fu** it was tough to go through with time only helping ease the pain. I feel so sorry and sad for what you have had to go through these past 20 months after reading that cause no parent would want their kid to die young, especially in such tragic ways like that. I don't have the answers to your question sadly cause coping after death is different for all of us, but if ever feel like you need to talk someone or feel depressed/upset about it, regardless of the age gap, I and most people on here are always here to help you feel better about yourself, mentally and emotionally, and you can always message me in the personal chat/direct messaging on my profile, if you want to talk with me in particular about your feelings.

My personal advice from my 19 years of existence living in this world, would be to stay strong in the face of the pain/sorrow at all times, don't be afraid to cry about it to the closest people you love & know and understand that everyone on here will have their thoughts an prayers with you and your family during this difficult time you and your whole family live in. :heart:
I'm so sorry for any Man or Woman who loses any member of their family so young.
God speed and Bless your hearts that you find peace in life.
Take care of yourself.
 

John Who

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 16, 2017
7,539
5,582
AFL Club
Adelaide
God I feel like sh*t.

18 months ago I posted in here about the affair I had that ruined my family. A year and a half on I’m still going through the motions and feeling unable to let my wife go even though she’s been utterly horrible to me. I’ve self harmed - I have basically a southern cross on my arm of cigarette Burns, stuff I’ve done as a combination of wanting to show that I’m sorry for what I’ve done, and wanting to punish myself.

my wife has said and done some of the most hurtful things imaginable to me. Stuff that I probably deserve because I cheated on her but stuff that also you don’t do or say to people you love.
Meanwhile I have this other person who I’m essentially in a relationship who absolutely worships the ground I walk on and treats me with respect, patience, acceptance, total understanding and compassion and most of all unconditional love and yet still my f***ed up brain won’t allow me to just move on and accept what could be an amazing life together.

I don’t feel suicidal in that I haven’t planned anything and I couldn’t do it to my kids. I’ve tried once and it was wrong. But my actual mood level is frequently at a suicidal point. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up some days.

because I’m affable and have a large friendship base and generally SEEM to carry the reputation of a good and nice bloke, other people come to me to talk about their issues and I actually love that they do but it just depresses me even more.

the worst part is wondering ‘will I be like this forever?’

I pray a lot and my belief sustains me but even that only goes so far.

I’m just fu**en miserable and feel like I’m just failing my way through life basically
Ando has given you a lot of good pointers in previous posts. I read somewhere you mentioned “moral code”.

When it comes to reality, morality can get blurred and there are times when no right or wrong exists, just the circumstances dictate your actions. What I mean by this, is that don’t be too rigid with your moral boundaries, sometimes you make mistakes and sometimes it happens because if otherwise, a darker path might result. If you are truly sorry for the actions, then you also need to truly forgive yourself as well.
 

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Electronic_Renaissance

I ain't sayin' nothin'!
Mar 25, 2021
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Well I had a big bite the bullet moment today.

I quit my job.

It’s high paying, high performing, in my dream field.

But the workplace is toxic and I’m just flat out done with it. I was fixing the panic attacks and work brought thrr eg m straight back.

And I actually feel relieved. I can breathe again. I am not waiting for the phone call of doom.

It’s wonderful.

I’m going to take a week to just rest when I finish up. Hot showers, meditation, long walks with a podcast.

I want to put serious effort into getting my mind right so my mind is ready for serious effort.

Happy to listen to any tips - non-medicated preferred.
Well done. I did the same thing a few years ago. Quit my job, it was probably only middle of the road as far as pay goes but I couldn't take the toxic culture and lack of recognition.

I have saved up enough that I can take it easy for a bit. I'm now doing some self employed work part time.

No job is worth your health.
 

The_Wookie

Queenslander
Jul 2, 2010
34,686
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Carlton
Just want to say a quick thanks for your and @The_Wookie’s contributions on this thread. Without you guys moderating this thread, there is potential for chaos on here! :thumbsu:
We havent had to do a lot of moderating in this thread i think. Rarely for this particular board, people have by and large been respectful of the intent and content.

I never expected it to still be going after all this time, it was originally just a merry christmas! talk to someone if you need to post. I am very glad to see people genuinely care and share here, as this is a very serious issue that affects countless people, many of whom find themselves with nowhere to turn. There is always someone here.
 

John Who

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 16, 2017
7,539
5,582
AFL Club
Adelaide
We havent had to do a lot of moderating in this thread i think. Rarely for this particular board, people have by and large been respectful of the intent and content.

I never expected it to still be going after all this time, it was originally just a merry christmas! talk to someone if you need to post. I am very glad to see people genuinely care and share here, as this is a very serious issue that affects countless people, many of whom find themselves with nowhere to turn. There is always someone here.
At least you guys respond from time to time. The presence is much appreciated in any case!
 

RoweyThePainter

Club Legend
May 17, 2021
1,877
1,491
AFL Club
Adelaide
Have you tried seeing a psychologist that specialises in grief? Or just a psychologist in general?

Grief counseling takes time and a GP may not be in the position to give you the time of therapy you’re after. Also, not all GPs are equally as good in dealing with mental health. So just a suggestion you might try and seek another GP who specialises more in mental health that allows more time to talk in an average consultation.
Tried a few things. I live in a small town so don't have everything available.

Talking won't bring him back in any case.

Some days I remember him with happinness, other days I am angry and bitter about it ... and guilty.

I think I have coped with the situation remarkably well. I hear about people's aunts and grandfathers dying and they fall apart completelt. Each to their but there is no comparison to the grief of losing a young child.
 

John Who

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 16, 2017
7,539
5,582
AFL Club
Adelaide
Tried a few things. I live in a small town so don't have everything available.

Talking won't bring him back in any case.

Some days I remember him with happinness, other days I am angry and bitter about it ... and guilty.

I think I have coped with the situation remarkably well. I hear about people's aunts and grandfathers dying and they fall apart completelt. Each to their but there is no comparison to the grief of losing a young child.
A common suggestion for unresolved grief is to focus on all the good times when he was alive and well, and try to not focus on the times when he was in the deteriorating stage. It’s really no different if you were the one who had passed away, and the question is how would you like someone to remember you when you’re gone?

Another way of looking at it is, try and remember him for who he was, and not how he left this planet. How did he make you feel when he was around? What made him unique or special? Did you grow as a person while he was in your life? The good memories should outlast all the bad ones.

My grandma passed away 4 years ago, and that was the main reason why I joined BF, to get through the grief. She was bedbound with severe stroke for 4 years prior to her passing. The techniques I’ve mentioned in the above is how I still apply myself when I think of my grandma.
 

mightymouse75

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 26, 2011
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All very good and positive advice mate.

my wife had every right to never speak to me again after what I did but leading up to it our marriage had been very one sided and sterile and everyone professional or otherwise that I’ve spoke to, I’ve given a very honest and even account of how things were. They all say the same - yes what you did was wrong but she hss To own her part in things Getting to that stage.

she and I both tried to make it work but two things were stopping it. One was obviously the feelings I harboured for the other girl, and the second was the revenge measures my wife took. Posted it all over Facebook. Sat with me while I told my parents Over the phone. Marched me into work (the other woman was a work colleague) to tell my boss. She has hit me, told me to kill myself, told the kids things about me, and even when we were separated and I sent her a long email telling her how sorry I was and that I still love her and care about her - her first reaction was to screenshot it and send it to the other woman and use a very heartfelt honest letter as a weapon against me. When she slept with someone randomly it hurt. A lot. He was 16 years younger than her and two years above our stepdaughter at school.

she knew it hurt me, when I asked her how she felt, her response was ‘it was good. He was attentive to me. Several times.’ That stung so much. I had poured my heart and soul into treating her like a Queen.
Even when she’s trying to be nice there are things she says that hurt. I’m very self conscious about the way I look and she knows this. She messaged me at one point when I was feeling about as low as I could get and she said ‘you’re beautiful. In your own way.’ That’s supposed to be a compliment but the ‘in your own way’ bit hurt so much. The other girl meanwhile says ‘I wouldn’t chNge a thing about you, I love your body just the way it is and it’s perfect.’

all of this leads me to the logical conclusion that I have one person who is completely in love with me and accepting and respectful and kind and gentle and she’s utterly gorgeous. My wife is 6 years older than me, not as nice to look at in theory (though I still think and have always thought that she’s beautiful), she is spiteful, nasty, hate filled and I don’t believe she has any respect for me. She sees the bad in me before she sees the good. She loves me or loved me ‘despite’ certain things about me rather than because of them.

I should hate her and be glad and feel better off without her. But doing what I did goes so far against my moral code (I knew it was wrong but rationalised it in my head at the time under some massive spell of disillusionment) has meant that everything that has happened to me I’ve born the guilt of. At one point I got so wound up with proving that I was sorry that I actually concussed myself and beat my own face black and blue - seriously I looked like I’d been in a boxing match.

in mediation the other day when she was out of the room I simply broke down and said ‘I want to hate her so much but I can’t. I love her.’ I know we are toxic for each other. I know we are better off apart and starting new lives with other people but the pain of shame and guilt that I carry makes it so hard.

looking around at other people and how easily they recognise that someone is bad for them and they move on - it just makes me feel abnormal and stupid for feeling the way I do
Mate. I have been with a few doozies.
I had this bring the lost puppy home mentality. I can make it all better thing going on.
It wasn't until my father died & I was being screamed at once again & a switch went off in my head. What the **** am I doing.
I deserve more than this. (So did she but it wasn't up to me to explain that to her)
And after that the guilt stopped.

Please go & speak to someone. A councilor, phsyc, a life coach. And if you don't feel comfortable speaking to any 1 of them keep looking until you find someone you click with.
If you hold onto that guilt it will dry you up inside & push all the good people away.
And it will grow & 1 day you might think it is all too much.
I watched my daughter walk down the aisle last year. I can't imagine what it would have been like for her not having me there as her dear old mum is not always the best with her drug addiction & life choices.

So good that you can reach out on here.
Love & compassion .
 

mightymouse75

Norm Smith Medallist
Apr 26, 2011
8,507
8,992
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In a bit of a rut & reading the personal stories & sincere advice has filled my heart & brought a tear to my eye.
Everybody has got their fair share of pain to deal with.
We are never alone.
Talking with others is the only way to shine a light on the darkness of guilt, shame, anger or fear..
 

Proper Gander

Owl whisperer and secret agent
Feb 15, 2015
26,082
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Hi all. Didn't realise such a thread existed here, just took a look at the main board.

Fwiw, my only child, 4 year old son, died of leukemia 20 months ago. Bloody heartbreaking to put it lightly.

Since then my wife has had trouble conceiving, plus other probs I won't go into.

How do I go on? I don't know. I wish I was dead. That's just a fact. Not planning to kill myself but I would rather be with my son.

I just try to live for him, and think what he would want for me.

Anyway, to anyone who may read this I am happy to reach out if you wanna talk, and vice versa.
I’m so, so sorry
 

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Proper Gander

Owl whisperer and secret agent
Feb 15, 2015
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That's no good mate. Anything you'd like to discuss. We're here for you
Thanks Mxett. I don’t know if I want to discuss or not. Can‘t hurt I guess. I’ve spent a long time managing a mood disorder. I was diagnosed with acute bipolar disorder mid-90’s and lost 10 years of my life to it - spent more time in hospital then out, full disability pension for all of that time. I was rapid cycling from high to low multiple times each year and had no profound success with medications, anti depressants are a no go because they make me high really fast. Only thing that helped and gave me some stability was ECT but I had so many courses of it, adding up to hundreds of individual treatments, and after the last time in 2008 I was starting to become pretty distressed about the memory loss side effects. For whatever reason, treatment or maybe just time, the rapid cycling receded, I was able to get my life together and work and became comparatively stable. I ceased mood stabilisers and any meds because the trade off between flattening the mood swings is to then feel that your cognitive functions are impacted, and emotional range stifled. So I managed myself for the last decade after a fashion, it wasn’t exactly ideal but I was proud of myself for escaping the revolving door of hospital admissions and having an illness that I just don’t want as the centrepiece of my life.

But the wheels have really fallen off this time and my mood is so low and I can’t shake it, so I folded because I couldn’t work anymore and had to take extended leave, but can’t let my GP deal with this sh*t sandwich with an absence of medical history - I’ve been keeping that one out of Doctor’s records ever since I moved to Melbourne. And I’m going to do anything possible to keep work in the dark about it. So I’ve spat out the whole story in a messy fashion. And I’m back where I started with a psychiatrist and weighing up the limited options of treatments versus dealing with likely increasing periods of depression as I get older.

I just feel a bit hopeless. I thought I had escaped and proved everyone wrong or something. I don’t want to be a manic depressive again. I just feel let down or like I’ve failed or something. I wish I believed in God so I could look forward to punching him in the head.
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
25,402
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Essendon
Thanks Mxett. I don’t know if I want to discuss or not. Can‘t hurt I guess. I’ve spent a long time managing a mood disorder. I was diagnosed with acute bipolar disorder mid-90’s and lost 10 years of my life to it - spent more time in hospital then out, full disability pension for all of that time. I was rapid cycling from high to low multiple times each year and had no profound success with medications, anti depressants are a no go because they make me high really fast. Only thing that helped and gave me some stability was ECT but I had so many courses of it, adding up to hundreds of individual treatments, and after the last time in 2008 I was starting to become pretty distressed about the memory loss side effects. For whatever reason, treatment or maybe just time, the rapid cycling receded, I was able to get my life together and work and became comparatively stable. I ceased mood stabilisers and any meds because the trade off between flattening the mood swings is to then feel that your cognitive functions are impacted, and emotional range stifled. So I managed myself for the last decade after a fashion, it wasn’t exactly ideal but I was proud of myself for escaping the revolving door of hospital admissions and having an illness that I just don’t want as the centrepiece of my life.

But the wheels have really fallen off this time and my mood is so low and I can’t shake it, so I folded because I couldn’t work anymore and had to take extended leave, but can’t let my GP deal with this sh*t sandwich with an absence of medical history - I’ve been keeping that one out of Doctor’s records ever since I moved to Melbourne. And I’m going to do anything possible to keep work in the dark about it. So I’ve spat out the whole story in a messy fashion. And I’m back where I started with a psychiatrist and weighing up the limited options of treatments versus dealing with likely increasing periods of depression as I get older.

I just feel a bit hopeless. I thought I had escaped and proved everyone wrong or something. I don’t want to be a manic depressive again. I just feel let down or like I’ve failed or something. I wish I believed in God so I could look forward to punching him in the head.
how long has this feeling of helplessness been going on this episode?
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
25,402
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Couple of months probably. I wasn’t in great shape during the months prior, but that’s when I really nosedived
the worst part about dips is when you're there they feel like they'll never end. And the response to that feeling is usually negative thoughts which makes the feelings worse. That's me anyway. Anything you can do to take occupy your mind so your thoughts arent consumed by your current feelings? What has helped in the past?
 

Proper Gander

Owl whisperer and secret agent
Feb 15, 2015
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the worst part about dips is when you're there they feel like they'll never end. And the response to that feeling is usually negative thoughts which makes the feelings worse. That's me anyway. Anything you can do to take occupy your mind so your thoughts arent consumed by your current feelings? What has helped in the past?
That’s just it. Things that I would normally find enjoyment in, or at least some diversion, have lost their appeal. Plus my concentration makes reading a book or even watching a TV series difficult - I can’t focus or remember what happened. I do try to force myself to exercise each day in the hope that any activity will help with sleep.
 

mxett

Brownlow Medallist
Jul 1, 2007
25,402
11,547
Melbourne
AFL Club
Essendon
That’s just it. Things that I would normally find enjoyment in, or at least some diversion, have lost their appeal. Plus my concentration makes reading a book or even watching a TV series difficult - I can’t focus or remember what happened. I do try to force myself to exercise each day in the hope that any activity will help with sleep.
Things that have helped me which may be worth a try are meditation and audiobooks. Have you looked at any form of acceptance and commitment therapy? Even gratitude may be worth trying. Sounds like you've got heaps of experience in this space but just throwing up a few ideas
 

I Dont Care

Brancher
Sep 6, 2009
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It makes me weep inside when I read of teenagers committing suicide. We lost my teenage nephew not long back through it. When a lot of cases get assessed by GP's and the like and are deemed as low risk to self harm only to have failed, it is because it is the actual defence mechanisms that are being assessed and not the person inside. And those defence mechanisms can be quite resilient in keeping others out...in my view there is no such thing as 'low risk' once a person has made it known they intend self harm. We need to find the key to allow us in past those defences and everybody has a different lock, to try to convince those at risk that they have to learn to love and trust in themselves, that they are the best friend they can have and that no-one is going to look after them better than themselves. Tomorrow I have to try and talk to a young girl who has been bullied and told to kill herself by her peers at school and feels resigned to that. All I have is my own experiences that I have gone through myself and hope
 

Black Saab

Premiership Player
Apr 14, 2014
4,281
8,731
AFL Club
Richmond
That sounds too bad what you and your family have been thru. It never truly heals. My aunt lost her son 40 years ago. She still thinks about him every day altho she has 2 daughters.

Yes I have been to a doctor, called the help lines, been to counsellors, been to a cancer help group. None have helped at all. At all. They just look at me, silence, like there is nothing to say.

I want to talk to people who have been thru similar but how to do that?
Hey mate, terribly sorry to hear about your the loss of your little boy.

I heard about a group some time ago called The Compassionate Friends. I came across people giving testimonies on YouTube last year. It's an organisation that specialises in supporting family after a child dies.


Please ignore if this is of no help. Thinking of you buddy.
 

ThePhreshOne

Premiership Player
Apr 5, 2016
3,732
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Has anyone else found themselves where they can't look away from what's going on in the world, whilst also knowing it gives them an undeniably high amount of anxiety?

The protests in Melbourne yesterday and today have really thrown me.

Not entirely sure what to do.
 

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