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[Ando727]

So I think I am at the end, must be if I have finally posted here.

I have battled depression on a couple of occasions in the last 7-8 years. Self esteem/worth issues. Happily married, 3 kids, good job that I was good at and enjoyed, just felt like I was never achieving or providing enough. Expectations were mine, not from my wife or daughters. I got through this with support from my wife, mental health plan and medication. When it happened again I was in a bigger house and earning 25% more and enjoying work even more.

About 2 years ago my wife had a crisis of confidence in her own business and saw a business coach, this lead to her seeing a somewhat spiritual psych to help her really see what she wanted to do/achieve/specialise in etc for her business, to find her ‘purpose’. From there the problems started.

She started becoming bored and dissatisfied. With our life and with me. She withdrew from me physically and emotionally. I was very loving and patient,gave her a lot support for the business, for getting to time to herself, taking time out of work so she could get to networking events and alike.

The result was she went further from me and despite the couples counselling and making time for ourselves, she decided to call it off. I had just finished a call with the bank organising extra cash to buy a house we wanted so it was a bit of a shock. This was in March.
I know it was not another person, there was no drugs, alcohol or abuse issues. No lies or deceit. She just fell out of love and felt life is better without me.

Compared to a loving husband, caring dad, 6 figure salary, that did all the washing, cleaning up, lawns, laundry, ironing for 3 school girls and all the grocery shopping turns out having none of it is better than having to live with me.

Now we live 4 mins drive apart, we helped each other move, helped set up each of our places, have a 40/60 split in time for the kids share all expenses in the kids, share the Spotify account etc, all to impact the kids as little as possible. It is the most amicable/working split as possible.

The rub is I am dead. I have no joy or hope of any sort. No feeling of purpose or reason to do anything or go on in anyway. Medication, psych etc is all in place but it isn’t helping. I got a new job 12 months ago and have already had to have a 2 week break to manage a breakdown (relationship but also massive work stress, doing 14-15 hour days and constantly overwhelmed with workload. In 7 days there was over 1000 emails that were actioned/managed by a group of people, while I was away). The work stress has improved somewhat.

My life has become lonely. My friends are all aware but it seems that I am not worth the effort of a check in call, text or an invite for a drink.

I drive 45-50 mins every day to work and more days than not have been crying and yelling most of the way. Still the game face goes on and the office and my clients know none of what was happening 5 mins earlier.

They don’t know that most nights are 3-4 hours max sleep. That on weekends I don’t get out of bed for 4-5 hours. That on weekdays I spend 40 mins in the shower, most of it lying on the floor crying.

Thing is my friends and family know this. Some of them have copped the crying and sobbing on the way to work and haven’t checked in after. Some have had the calls at night and heard all the misery and check in the next morning, but never again over the next few days or weeks.

Today I decided not to go to work. 2 hours sleep the last 3 nights and 2 midnight calls to lifeline I just couldn’t make it up out of bed again. I have spent all day in my own.

I think it has been prompted by a strong likely hood my wife has found someone, I have overheard her talking to her friend and there is excitement and energy in her voice talking about seeing someone (she didn’t realise I was in the next room). It has reminded me that aside from her I have had no relationships with women and whilst I have tried to meet, turns out the hype around tinder and other apps doesn’t ring true for me (I am 42). Loneliness is my new norm.

TL/DR - life is f’ed, I am over it, I am done

Mate, that's bloody rough. Sorry you are going through this. I think this time is probably telling you that you need a change of direction of some sort. What you are doing now is not fulfilling you. As much as relationship breakups are the worst thing you can go through, people with diversity and purpose in their lives usually survive them ok - albeit with some very rough moments.

I think John Who is on to something - you have been trying to be too many things to too many people, most likely. This comes with its own set of problems because people tend to take that for granted, and then they get lazy and expect you to do everything. They even lose interest because a lot of people just assume that things worth having need to be harder to get. It sounds batcrap crazy, but there is a truth to it. So I agree with John Who that you will need to learn to be more "selfish" to get things back on track. That might mean having a break from work, changing your job. Your ex might make you think you should keep working like a slave for the family so they can enjoy the life they're accustomed to, but you really don't have to do that. You can make choices for yourself. People will adapt. Your daughters won't change their opinion of you. I think this calls for getting involved in some new pursuits that you've always wanted to pursue, but didn't because of the duty cycle you were wedded to. You've probably had psychs tell you this already, but it's really necessary. You'll find somebody else some day - don't stress about that. In the meantime, have a think about how much this job means to you, and whether you could scale things back or do something else. I think being stuck in sameness is as big a problem as anything else - including your separation. It may be what your wife was stuck in too. The only solution is to change something. Step outside of this set of rules you've been living by and fly by the seat of your pants.

But most of all, man. Don't do anything silly. Stay around here and get some support - there are some awesome guys on here that can give you some support and ideas - maybe better than anyone you know in "real life" for the situation you're in. I suspect the people you mentioned are not people who have dealt with huge challenges in their lives, and probably never had big mental health problems/ They probably have no idea what they're doing and so they recoil at the challenge. It's a shame, but it happens. Some people are pretty useless for this sort of thing. Turn to whomever you can to get you through. As hopeless as it seems now, this is a temporary situation. You just have to ride it out until you try a few things that can shift things for you. Stay in the game, your daughters need you. Stick around: this is a safe place.

 

[mr bagcroft]

So I think I am at the end, must be if I have finally posted here.

I have battled depression on a couple of occasions in the last 7-8 years. Self esteem/worth issues. Happily married, 3 kids, good job that I was good at and enjoyed, just felt like I was never achieving or providing enough. Expectations were mine, not from my wife or daughters. I got through this with support from my wife, mental health plan and medication. When it happened again I was in a bigger house and earning 25% more and enjoying work even more.

About 2 years ago my wife had a crisis of confidence in her own business and saw a business coach, this lead to her seeing a somewhat spiritual psych to help her really see what she wanted to do/achieve/specialise in etc for her business, to find her ‘purpose’. From there the problems started.

She started becoming bored and dissatisfied. With our life and with me. She withdrew from me physically and emotionally. I was very loving and patient,gave her a lot support for the business, for getting to time to herself, taking time out of work so she could get to networking events and alike.

The result was she went further from me and despite the couples counselling and making time for ourselves, she decided to call it off. I had just finished a call with the bank organising extra cash to buy a house we wanted so it was a bit of a shock. This was in March.
I know it was not another person, there was no drugs, alcohol or abuse issues. No lies or deceit. She just fell out of love and felt life is better without me.

Compared to a loving husband, caring dad, 6 figure salary, that did all the washing, cleaning up, lawns, laundry, ironing for 3 school girls and all the grocery shopping turns out having none of it is better than having to live with me.

Now we live 4 mins drive apart, we helped each other move, helped set up each of our places, have a 40/60 split in time for the kids share all expenses in the kids, share the Spotify account etc, all to impact the kids as little as possible. It is the most amicable/working split as possible.

The rub is I am dead. I have no joy or hope of any sort. No feeling of purpose or reason to do anything or go on in anyway. Medication, psych etc is all in place but it isn’t helping. I got a new job 12 months ago and have already had to have a 2 week break to manage a breakdown (relationship but also massive work stress, doing 14-15 hour days and constantly overwhelmed with workload. In 7 days there was over 1000 emails that were actioned/managed by a group of people, while I was away). The work stress has improved somewhat.

My life has become lonely. My friends are all aware but it seems that I am not worth the effort of a check in call, text or an invite for a drink.

I drive 45-50 mins every day to work and more days than not have been crying and yelling most of the way. Still the game face goes on and the office and my clients know none of what was happening 5 mins earlier.

They don’t know that most nights are 3-4 hours max sleep. That on weekends I don’t get out of bed for 4-5 hours. That on weekdays I spend 40 mins in the shower, most of it lying on the floor crying.

Thing is my friends and family know this. Some of them have copped the crying and sobbing on the way to work and haven’t checked in after. Some have had the calls at night and heard all the misery and check in the next morning, but never again over the next few days or weeks.

Today I decided not to go to work. 2 hours sleep the last 3 nights and 2 midnight calls to lifeline I just couldn’t make it up out of bed again. I have spent all day in my own.

I think it has been prompted by a strong likely hood my wife has found someone, I have overheard her talking to her friend and there is excitement and energy in her voice talking about seeing someone (she didn’t realise I was in the next room). It has reminded me that aside from her I have had no relationships with women and whilst I have tried to meet, turns out the hype around tinder and other apps doesn’t ring true for me (I am 42). Loneliness is my new norm.

TL/DR - life is f’ed, I am over it, I am done

 

[mr bagcroft]

Mate I too have had a shocking year after a breakdown of a 23 year relationship that was not my choosing on the 1/1/19. However I have not had it as bad as you have by the sound of it. It puts my own situation into perspective. Have you considered AD's? Im on them , Im not sure they are the answer, Im not even sure they are helping, but I figure I need them for now. Im not telling you whats right for you, just something you may want to talk to your doctor about.
Please please do not do anything rash. I considered it many times, I understand fully. I dont even have kids etc., but the effect on the people that would be left behind stops me. You will get yourself back. Im not there yet and am still at the stage of tending to be self destructive and not giving a flying * what happens to me. But for now I find thinking about my family whilst I dont care about myself, keeps me in check somewhat. You have your daughters to provide this for you, until such time you get yourself back.
Stick around here, there is some quality help that can be had, and even reading other peoples stories can assist somewhat at times. Good luck friend!

 

[WDWSF]

I think it has been prompted by a strong likely hood my wife has found someone, I have overheard her talking to her friend and there is excitement and energy in her voice talking about seeing someone (she didn’t realise I was in the next room). It has reminded me that aside from her I have had no relationships with women and whilst I have tried to meet, turns out the hype around tinder and other apps doesn’t ring true for me (I am 42). Loneliness is my new norm.

TL/DR - life is f’ed, I am over it, I am done

Hey mate I know this feeling, absolute worthlessness like you've been tossed aside - feeling like yesterday's garbage whilst she's off enjoying a new relationship. In my case she cheated and ended up marrying the guy and i'm left thinking how on earth are people allowed to do that and live happily ever after.

The only way out of the dark is to keep moving forward, that's all you have to do - just keep moving & tomorrow won't feel as bad as today, then the next day will hurt just that little bit less until one day her being with someone else doesn't affect you at all.

 

[Shane Heard]

Personally, I was the one who ended my marriage a few years ago and it was the best thing ever. The feeling of freedom still resonates every day.
But my ex thinks differently about it all and I can understand how folks get really down and depressed after a relationship breakdown that comes as a shock or unexpected.



Some great advice here I looked up for anyone needing help..has additional links that are valuable info.

Wellbeing Action Tool - Beyond Blue - Beyond Blue

Create a personal wellbeing plan. Learn how to identify and take action on the things that work for you in 3 easy steps.

www.beyondblue.org.au

 

[mxett]

So I think I am at the end, must be if I have finally posted here.

I have battled depression on a couple of occasions in the last 7-8 years. Self esteem/worth issues. Happily married, 3 kids, good job that I was good at and enjoyed, just felt like I was never achieving or providing enough. Expectations were mine, not from my wife or daughters. I got through this with support from my wife, mental health plan and medication. When it happened again I was in a bigger house and earning 25% more and enjoying work even more.

About 2 years ago my wife had a crisis of confidence in her own business and saw a business coach, this lead to her seeing a somewhat spiritual psych to help her really see what she wanted to do/achieve/specialise in etc for her business, to find her ‘purpose’. From there the problems started.

She started becoming bored and dissatisfied. With our life and with me. She withdrew from me physically and emotionally. I was very loving and patient,gave her a lot support for the business, for getting to time to herself, taking time out of work so she could get to networking events and alike.

The result was she went further from me and despite the couples counselling and making time for ourselves, she decided to call it off. I had just finished a call with the bank organising extra cash to buy a house we wanted so it was a bit of a shock. This was in March.
I know it was not another person, there was no drugs, alcohol or abuse issues. No lies or deceit. She just fell out of love and felt life is better without me.

Compared to a loving husband, caring dad, 6 figure salary, that did all the washing, cleaning up, lawns, laundry, ironing for 3 school girls and all the grocery shopping turns out having none of it is better than having to live with me.

Now we live 4 mins drive apart, we helped each other move, helped set up each of our places, have a 40/60 split in time for the kids share all expenses in the kids, share the Spotify account etc, all to impact the kids as little as possible. It is the most amicable/working split as possible.

The rub is I am dead. I have no joy or hope of any sort. No feeling of purpose or reason to do anything or go on in anyway. Medication, psych etc is all in place but it isn’t helping. I got a new job 12 months ago and have already had to have a 2 week break to manage a breakdown (relationship but also massive work stress, doing 14-15 hour days and constantly overwhelmed with workload. In 7 days there was over 1000 emails that were actioned/managed by a group of people, while I was away). The work stress has improved somewhat.

My life has become lonely. My friends are all aware but it seems that I am not worth the effort of a check in call, text or an invite for a drink.

I drive 45-50 mins every day to work and more days than not have been crying and yelling most of the way. Still the game face goes on and the office and my clients know none of what was happening 5 mins earlier.

They don’t know that most nights are 3-4 hours max sleep. That on weekends I don’t get out of bed for 4-5 hours. That on weekdays I spend 40 mins in the shower, most of it lying on the floor crying.

Thing is my friends and family know this. Some of them have copped the crying and sobbing on the way to work and haven’t checked in after. Some have had the calls at night and heard all the misery and check in the next morning, but never again over the next few days or weeks.

Today I decided not to go to work. 2 hours sleep the last 3 nights and 2 midnight calls to lifeline I just couldn’t make it up out of bed again. I have spent all day in my own.

I think it has been prompted by a strong likely hood my wife has found someone, I have overheard her talking to her friend and there is excitement and energy in her voice talking about seeing someone (she didn’t realise I was in the next room). It has reminded me that aside from her I have had no relationships with women and whilst I have tried to meet, turns out the hype around tinder and other apps doesn’t ring true for me (I am 42). Loneliness is my new norm.

TL/DR - life is f’ed, I am over it, I am done

Hi stepping tiger, I am so sorry you are experiencing such difficulties. I can hear the pain and sorrow in your words and I empathise deeply.

Please know, though, that you will get ongoing support here. Many people on here have had and are still having big challenges, and know what it's like to feel desperate and alone. Together we can encourage each other forward.

Just a few comments on your post:
1. sleep is absolutely crucial and this must be addressed ASAP! From what you've said it appears you are on medication and seeing a psych (I assume a psychologist), but are you seeing a psychiatrist? A psychiatrist should be able to prescribe you something to help you sleep. I was given something and it made a big difference to my ability to cope pretty quickly.

2. your work situation sounds very draining which would could be making it very difficult for you to recover. Have you had a word to your manager about your mental health? Maybe they could give you a day off a week to rest, or even decrease your responsibilities for a while while you regain your strength. It's worth a try. I did this with my work and they were fantastic.

3. ending it all is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Your life will change over time, everyone's does. Your future years may turn out to be your happiest, you just dont know.

4. Maybe see if you can find a psychologist who specialises in ACT. This relatively new psychotherapy can help you learn to accept your current situation which can dramatically lessen the pain. Then it can help you find new values in life. For me one of my new values is making others feel great about themselves. I have gone from struggling through work to loving it because I have so many opportunities to encourage and uplift others. These acts boost my mood enormously.

5. There are many great books I could recommend to you. One of my new favourites is this book:
The Mayo Clinic Guide to Stress-Free Living. It is written by the man who gives this ted talk: . He is a legend in my eyes. He explains how our minds are wired to worry and negatively judge. He explains how with effort we can refocus our minds to higher calling which transforms us from the inside out. Well worth a read.

6. Please, please, please update us in here regularly. I really want to know how you are going. We are all here to support each other. You never know, as you recover your journey may help save someone else's life.

All the best and well done for sharing

 

[Shane Heard]

Hi stepping tiger, I am so sorry you are experiencing such difficulties. I can hear the pain and sorrow in your words and I empathise deeply.

Please know, though, that you will get ongoing support here. Many people on here have had and are still having big challenges, and know what it's like to feel desperate and alone. Together we can encourage each other forward.

Just a few comments on your post:
1. sleep is absolutely crucial and this must be addressed ASAP! From what you've said it appears you are on medication and seeing a psych (I assume a psychologist), but are you seeing a psychiatrist? A psychiatrist should be able to prescribe you something to help you sleep. I was given something and it made a big difference to my ability to cope pretty quickly.

2. your work situation sounds very draining which would could be making it very difficult for you to recover. Have you had a word to your manager about your mental health? Maybe they could give you a day off a week to rest, or even decrease your responsibilities for a while while you regain your strength. It's worth a try. I did this with my work and they were fantastic.

3. ending it all is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Your life will change over time, everyone's does. Your future years may turn out to be your happiest, you just dont know.

4. Maybe see if you can find a psychologist who specialises in ACT. This relatively new psychotherapy can help you learn to accept your current situation which can dramatically lessen the pain. Then it can help you find new values in life. For me one of my new values is making others feel great about themselves. I have gone from struggling through work to loving it because I have so many opportunities to encourage and uplift others. These acts boost my mood enormously.

5. There are many great books I could recommend to you. One of my new favourites is this book:
The Mayo Clinic Guide to Stress-Free Living. It is written by the man who gives this ted talk: . He is a legend in my eyes. He explains how our minds are wired to worry and negatively judge. He explains how with effort we can refocus our minds to higher calling which transforms us from the inside out. Well worth a read.

6. Please, please, please update us in here regularly. I really want to know how you are going. We are all here to support each other. You never know, as you recover your journey may help save someone else's life.

All the best and well done for sharing

Yes..the sleep issue is a priority above nearly all others.

Back a couple of years ago when I went through a period of extreme stress and anxiety, you realise after awhile that lack of sleep magnifies everything 100 times.

You have to address it and take steps to ensure that quantity sleep happens.
Because absolutely nothing helpful can be worked out in the mind while suffering from lack of sleep.

If it takes a sleeping pill to do the job then do it. I got a few off a mate and used them on about 5 different occasions which sent me off on a solid 8 hour sleep.

But obviously be mindful that anyone can get into a habit of long term use and that’s something to avoid at all costs.

Talk to a GP first.

 

[SteppingTiger]

Hi All, thanks for the messages of support. Been very encouraging.

Good news is that I am still here.! When I last wrote I had an appointment with the GP and medication got increased and sleeping tablets provided. This has helped.

Psychologist appointment that night helped, and I am being referred to a psychiatrist once I see the GP again on Monday.

Long text session with the ex was helpful. I had a few people worried with a FB post earlier in the day. Agreed that it was best if I did go to work to keep occupied.

Next morning didn’t go well and I had a breakdown at work. My staff member provided support and when I spoke to my manager and HR agreed on having the week off. Difficult as I have no annual or sick leave.

Psych is suggesting a inpatient treatment while I have the week off. Confronting, but a week at home doing nothing in my own is not going to go well. I have reached out to a few friends and done my best not to be alone the last few days. Flying solo today though.

 

[mxett]

Hi All, thanks for the messages of support. Been very encouraging.

Good news is that I am still here.! When I last wrote I had an appointment with the GP and medication got increased and sleeping tablets provided. This has helped.

Psychologist appointment that night helped, and I am being referred to a psychiatrist once I see the GP again on Monday.

Long text session with the ex was helpful. I had a few people worried with a FB post earlier in the day. Agreed that it was best if I did go to work to keep occupied.

Next morning didn’t go well and I had a breakdown at work. My staff member provided support and when I spoke to my manager and HR agreed on having the week off. Difficult as I have no annual or sick leave.

Psych is suggesting a inpatient treatment while I have the week off. Confronting, but a week at home doing nothing in my own is not going to go well. I have reached out to a few friends and done my best not to be alone the last few days. Flying solo today though.

thanks for the update. Sounds like you are doing a great job following professional advice. Any chance you could return to work on limited duties to take some pressure off? I saw this ted talk today and thought it was pretty interesting

That's not to say your reasons for depression arent perfectly valid. But the discussion around connecting with others makes a lot of sense, as do many of his other points.

Keep us updated on your progress. All the best

 

[SteppingTiger]

Hi All, thanks for the messages of support. Been very encouraging.

Good news is that I am still here.! When I last wrote I had an appointment with the GP and medication got increased and sleeping tablets provided. This has helped.

Psychologist appointment that night helped, and I am being referred to a psychiatrist once I see the GP again on Monday.

Long text session with the ex was helpful. I had a few people worried with a FB post earlier in the day. Agreed that it was best if I did go to work to keep occupied.

Next morning didn’t go well and I had a breakdown at work. My staff member provided support and when I spoke to my manager and HR agreed on having the week off. Difficult as I have no annual or sick leave.

Psych is suggesting a inpatient treatment while I have the week off. Confronting, but a week at home doing nothing in my own is not going to go well. I have reached out to a few friends and done my best not to be alone the last few days. Flying solo today though.

So starting CBT today at the hospital. 2 week program, so two weeks without the kids and without pay.

Whilst very surreal and makes you wonder why you are here (I am in a good frame of mind), actually getting relaxed. Think it is the idea that you know you are doing something and committed to something. It is definitely not the drugs as they haven’t changed anything since I have got here.

Anyhow, thanks again for the messages, and anyone else that is struggling, know that it starts with a step.

I will try to check in over the next couple of weeks. Cheers

 

[mxett]

Any updates stepping tiger? Hope you're progressing ok.

 

[John Who]

So starting CBT today at the hospital. 2 week program, so two weeks without the kids and without pay.

Whilst very surreal and makes you wonder why you are here (I am in a good frame of mind), actually getting relaxed. Think it is the idea that you know you are doing something and committed to something. It is definitely not the drugs as they haven’t changed anything since I have got here.

Anyhow, thanks again for the messages, and anyone else that is struggling, know that it starts with a step.

I will try to check in over the next couple of weeks. Cheers

No one is saying anything new because we’re anxiously waiting on your current progress! Have you tried talking to your partner and tell her to give you some more space? Or has her attitudes change at all since the recent fortnight?

 

[SteppingTiger]

Hi All,

Apologies for the lack of updates. I am sure you will understand.

Discharged from the hospital as we speak. All going in the right direction.

Will provide a more detailed update shortly once I am home and unpacked

 

[SteppingTiger]

Update as promised:

1) Just got home and it feels good!

2) Diagnosed with severe depression, which stems from my dependant personality type (i.e. I take my values, self worth and esteem from what others say and do, I do not establish them myself. This also impacts on me developing my own interests. I become interested in what others around me are interested in. This makes the whole concept of me having time to myself since my separation, to pursue my own interests a very difficult task ), and borderline personality (which I understand is where I will change from one mood to another. Not bi-polar as there is no mania or hyper mania, just manage to go from a depressive state to a happy state easily for example, based on what is around me. Best demonstration is my ability to be crying on my way to a meeting with clients and then being able to put the game face on immediately, perform and then get back in the car and act like it all never happened and get on with the day. Same with a disagreement with my wife, I would move on and act like it never happened).

3) Belmont hospital is great, good doctors, good nurses and great staff. Even better was my BUPA hospital cover not being adequate and them allowing me a 'once off psychiatric upgrade' in my cover so I had no waiting period. Premium went up by $35 per fortnight and excess dropped from $1000 to $500. This was such a relief as the hospital gap would have been over $400 per night. Fellow patients were pretty cool, and shows you are not alone.

4) Friends and family were amazingly supportive. A lot of calls, messages and visitors with so much encouragement and no judgement. Whist it is only representative of people in my network, I think it shows that people around you are far more accepting and will listen if you ask for help. They all just wanted what was best for me.

5) Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is really helpful. Split into two modules of anxiety and depression, it covers the symptoms, causes and suggested strategies for controlling your thinking and taking back your thoughts. Remarkable how possible it is, and how impossible it can seem 3 weeks ago. Also focused on gratitude, appreciation, relaxation and monitoring.

6) Lastly, completed a 'myDNA' blood test which takes a couple of weeks. Psychiatrist told me that we all metabolise medication at different rates, so often a decision to increase medication or change is more a trial and error, rather than an informed decision. My medication will be adjusted in response to the test next week. This applies to sleep meds as well I believe.

Moving forward now I have a psychologist appointment next week and we will be working on my values and understanding myself more (something that wasn't possible previously off such a low base), have weekly check-ins by the outreach program for the next 4 weeks and 2 more psychiatrist appts in the coming 4 weeks. This afternoon I see the GP to confirm a return to work schedule, which gives some anxiety as to how work will respond, but ultimately, i shouldn't worry until I get a response from them.

I am focusing on my exercise (which i developed a habit of daily in the hospital, with weights, walking and running), ensuring I make regular contact with my social network (which I had withdrawn from) and pursuing a few 'meet up' groups (a phone app) to meet people with similar interests and be out and about a lot more. The change is that I feel that it is possible and there is hope for the future, it still is on me to make the change, but again it seems possible rather than insurmountable.

I will only be engaging with my wife when it comes to matters with the kids and all other support I need, I will be going elsewhere. Her ability to be objective is quite compromised even though she cares deeply and wants to help. This also means I can start to see her my friend and a mother to my kids than an ex-lover, wife, confidant and highly cherished individual that I have 'lost'. No doubt there will be times this isn't clear for me, but spending less time around her will help for sure.

In other news, a bit of Tinder and Bumble time has meant I have started conversations with a few women which shows me again that there is possibility and my life is not 'over' when it comes to relationships (22 years since we met and faithful the whole time). While it is not the be all and end all, one of my passions is socialising (which I discovered over the last 2 weeks) and the opportunity to meet people, have conversations and a little thrill of flirting and what could happen next. Looking forward to the future.

If anyone wants to know more, share more etc, please let me know, will be happy to. I think the biggest learning I have is that it is all possible and depression/anxiety is an illness that stops you from being yourself and pushes you to judge yourself on your depressed self (does that makes sense?). You are not your depressed self.

The black dog is real my friends, but right now it is more of a puppy dog that I have to keep an eye on and ensure is trained and tamed, not ruling the yard that is my head.

Cheers
SteppingTiger

 

[PhatBoy]

Update as promised:

1) Just got home and it feels good!

2) Diagnosed with severe depression, which stems from my dependant personality type (i.e. I take my values, self worth and esteem from what others say and do, I do not establish them myself. This also impacts on me developing my own interests. I become interested in what others around me are interested in. This makes the whole concept of me having time to myself since my separation, to pursue my own interests a very difficult task ), and borderline personality (which I understand is where I will change from one mood to another. Not bi-polar as there is no mania or hyper mania, just manage to go from a depressive state to a happy state easily for example, based on what is around me. Best demonstration is my ability to be crying on my way to a meeting with clients and then being able to put the game face on immediately, perform and then get back in the car and act like it all never happened and get on with the day. Same with a disagreement with my wife, I would move on and act like it never happened).

3) Belmont hospital is great, good doctors, good nurses and great staff. Even better was my BUPA hospital cover not being adequate and them allowing me a 'once off psychiatric upgrade' in my cover so I had no waiting period. Premium went up by $35 per fortnight and excess dropped from $1000 to $500. This was such a relief as the hospital gap would have been over $400 per night. Fellow patients were pretty cool, and shows you are not alone.

4) Friends and family were amazingly supportive. A lot of calls, messages and visitors with so much encouragement and no judgement. Whist it is only representative of people in my network, I think it shows that people around you are far more accepting and will listen if you ask for help. They all just wanted what was best for me.

5) Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is really helpful. Split into two modules of anxiety and depression, it covers the symptoms, causes and suggested strategies for controlling your thinking and taking back your thoughts. Remarkable how possible it is, and how impossible it can seem 3 weeks ago. Also focused on gratitude, appreciation, relaxation and monitoring.

6) Lastly, completed a 'myDNA' blood test which takes a couple of weeks. Psychiatrist told me that we all metabolise medication at different rates, so often a decision to increase medication or change is more a trial and error, rather than an informed decision. My medication will be adjusted in response to the test next week. This applies to sleep meds as well I believe.

Moving forward now I have a psychologist appointment next week and we will be working on my values and understanding myself more (something that wasn't possible previously off such a low base), have weekly check-ins by the outreach program for the next 4 weeks and 2 more psychiatrist appts in the coming 4 weeks. This afternoon I see the GP to confirm a return to work schedule, which gives some anxiety as to how work will respond, but ultimately, i shouldn't worry until I get a response from them.

I am focusing on my exercise (which i developed a habit of daily in the hospital, with weights, walking and running), ensuring I make regular contact with my social network (which I had withdrawn from) and pursuing a few 'meet up' groups (a phone app) to meet people with similar interests and be out and about a lot more. The change is that I feel that it is possible and there is hope for the future, it still is on me to make the change, but again it seems possible rather than insurmountable.

I will only be engaging with my wife when it comes to matters with the kids and all other support I need, I will be going elsewhere. Her ability to be objective is quite compromised even though she cares deeply and wants to help. This also means I can start to see her my friend and a mother to my kids than an ex-lover, wife, confidant and highly cherished individual that I have 'lost'. No doubt there will be times this isn't clear for me, but spending less time around her will help for sure.

In other news, a bit of Tinder and Bumble time has meant I have started conversations with a few women which shows me again that there is possibility and my life is not 'over' when it comes to relationships (22 years since we met and faithful the whole time). While it is not the be all and end all, one of my passions is socialising (which I discovered over the last 2 weeks) and the opportunity to meet people, have conversations and a little thrill of flirting and what could happen next. Looking forward to the future.

If anyone wants to know more, share more etc, please let me know, will be happy to. I think the biggest learning I have is that it is all possible and depression/anxiety is an illness that stops you from being yourself and pushes you to judge yourself on your depressed self (does that makes sense?). You are not your depressed self.

The black dog is real my friends, but right now it is more of a puppy dog that I have to keep an eye on and ensure is trained and tamed, not ruling the yard that is my head.

Cheers
SteppingTiger

this is so awesome to read.

glad you’re on the mend mate.

 

[Aeglos]

Great news SteppingTiger
Sounds like everything is moving in the right trajectory!

 

[John Who]

Update as promised:

1) Just got home and it feels good!

2) Diagnosed with severe depression, which stems from my dependant personality type (i.e. I take my values, self worth and esteem from what others say and do, I do not establish them myself. This also impacts on me developing my own interests. I become interested in what others around me are interested in. This makes the whole concept of me having time to myself since my separation, to pursue my own interests a very difficult task ), and borderline personality (which I understand is where I will change from one mood to another. Not bi-polar as there is no mania or hyper mania, just manage to go from a depressive state to a happy state easily for example, based on what is around me. Best demonstration is my ability to be crying on my way to a meeting with clients and then being able to put the game face on immediately, perform and then get back in the car and act like it all never happened and get on with the day. Same with a disagreement with my wife, I would move on and act like it never happened).

3) Belmont hospital is great, good doctors, good nurses and great staff. Even better was my BUPA hospital cover not being adequate and them allowing me a 'once off psychiatric upgrade' in my cover so I had no waiting period. Premium went up by $35 per fortnight and excess dropped from $1000 to $500. This was such a relief as the hospital gap would have been over $400 per night. Fellow patients were pretty cool, and shows you are not alone.

4) Friends and family were amazingly supportive. A lot of calls, messages and visitors with so much encouragement and no judgement. Whist it is only representative of people in my network, I think it shows that people around you are far more accepting and will listen if you ask for help. They all just wanted what was best for me.

5) Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is really helpful. Split into two modules of anxiety and depression, it covers the symptoms, causes and suggested strategies for controlling your thinking and taking back your thoughts. Remarkable how possible it is, and how impossible it can seem 3 weeks ago. Also focused on gratitude, appreciation, relaxation and monitoring.

6) Lastly, completed a 'myDNA' blood test which takes a couple of weeks. Psychiatrist told me that we all metabolise medication at different rates, so often a decision to increase medication or change is more a trial and error, rather than an informed decision. My medication will be adjusted in response to the test next week. This applies to sleep meds as well I believe.

Moving forward now I have a psychologist appointment next week and we will be working on my values and understanding myself more (something that wasn't possible previously off such a low base), have weekly check-ins by the outreach program for the next 4 weeks and 2 more psychiatrist appts in the coming 4 weeks. This afternoon I see the GP to confirm a return to work schedule, which gives some anxiety as to how work will respond, but ultimately, i shouldn't worry until I get a response from them.

I am focusing on my exercise (which i developed a habit of daily in the hospital, with weights, walking and running), ensuring I make regular contact with my social network (which I had withdrawn from) and pursuing a few 'meet up' groups (a phone app) to meet people with similar interests and be out and about a lot more. The change is that I feel that it is possible and there is hope for the future, it still is on me to make the change, but again it seems possible rather than insurmountable.

I will only be engaging with my wife when it comes to matters with the kids and all other support I need, I will be going elsewhere. Her ability to be objective is quite compromised even though she cares deeply and wants to help. This also means I can start to see her my friend and a mother to my kids than an ex-lover, wife, confidant and highly cherished individual that I have 'lost'. No doubt there will be times this isn't clear for me, but spending less time around her will help for sure.

In other news, a bit of Tinder and Bumble time has meant I have started conversations with a few women which shows me again that there is possibility and my life is not 'over' when it comes to relationships (22 years since we met and faithful the whole time). While it is not the be all and end all, one of my passions is socialising (which I discovered over the last 2 weeks) and the opportunity to meet people, have conversations and a little thrill of flirting and what could happen next. Looking forward to the future.

If anyone wants to know more, share more etc, please let me know, will be happy to. I think the biggest learning I have is that it is all possible and depression/anxiety is an illness that stops you from being yourself and pushes you to judge yourself on your depressed self (does that makes sense?). You are not your depressed self.

The black dog is real my friends, but right now it is more of a puppy dog that I have to keep an eye on and ensure is trained and tamed, not ruling the yard that is my head.

Cheers
SteppingTiger

Wow, you've been preparing for this update, I can tell!
Haven't had the chance yet to read the post in its entirety, but glad to see you're really putting it together. Thanks for sharing!

 

[mxett]

Update as promised:

1) Just got home and it feels good!

2) Diagnosed with severe depression, which stems from my dependant personality type (i.e. I take my values, self worth and esteem from what others say and do, I do not establish them myself. This also impacts on me developing my own interests. I become interested in what others around me are interested in. This makes the whole concept of me having time to myself since my separation, to pursue my own interests a very difficult task ), and borderline personality (which I understand is where I will change from one mood to another. Not bi-polar as there is no mania or hyper mania, just manage to go from a depressive state to a happy state easily for example, based on what is around me. Best demonstration is my ability to be crying on my way to a meeting with clients and then being able to put the game face on immediately, perform and then get back in the car and act like it all never happened and get on with the day. Same with a disagreement with my wife, I would move on and act like it never happened).

3) Belmont hospital is great, good doctors, good nurses and great staff. Even better was my BUPA hospital cover not being adequate and them allowing me a 'once off psychiatric upgrade' in my cover so I had no waiting period. Premium went up by $35 per fortnight and excess dropped from $1000 to $500. This was such a relief as the hospital gap would have been over $400 per night. Fellow patients were pretty cool, and shows you are not alone.

4) Friends and family were amazingly supportive. A lot of calls, messages and visitors with so much encouragement and no judgement. Whist it is only representative of people in my network, I think it shows that people around you are far more accepting and will listen if you ask for help. They all just wanted what was best for me.

5) Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is really helpful. Split into two modules of anxiety and depression, it covers the symptoms, causes and suggested strategies for controlling your thinking and taking back your thoughts. Remarkable how possible it is, and how impossible it can seem 3 weeks ago. Also focused on gratitude, appreciation, relaxation and monitoring.

6) Lastly, completed a 'myDNA' blood test which takes a couple of weeks. Psychiatrist told me that we all metabolise medication at different rates, so often a decision to increase medication or change is more a trial and error, rather than an informed decision. My medication will be adjusted in response to the test next week. This applies to sleep meds as well I believe.

Moving forward now I have a psychologist appointment next week and we will be working on my values and understanding myself more (something that wasn't possible previously off such a low base), have weekly check-ins by the outreach program for the next 4 weeks and 2 more psychiatrist appts in the coming 4 weeks. This afternoon I see the GP to confirm a return to work schedule, which gives some anxiety as to how work will respond, but ultimately, i shouldn't worry until I get a response from them.

I am focusing on my exercise (which i developed a habit of daily in the hospital, with weights, walking and running), ensuring I make regular contact with my social network (which I had withdrawn from) and pursuing a few 'meet up' groups (a phone app) to meet people with similar interests and be out and about a lot more. The change is that I feel that it is possible and there is hope for the future, it still is on me to make the change, but again it seems possible rather than insurmountable.

I will only be engaging with my wife when it comes to matters with the kids and all other support I need, I will be going elsewhere. Her ability to be objective is quite compromised even though she cares deeply and wants to help. This also means I can start to see her my friend and a mother to my kids than an ex-lover, wife, confidant and highly cherished individual that I have 'lost'. No doubt there will be times this isn't clear for me, but spending less time around her will help for sure.

In other news, a bit of Tinder and Bumble time has meant I have started conversations with a few women which shows me again that there is possibility and my life is not 'over' when it comes to relationships (22 years since we met and faithful the whole time). While it is not the be all and end all, one of my passions is socialising (which I discovered over the last 2 weeks) and the opportunity to meet people, have conversations and a little thrill of flirting and what could happen next. Looking forward to the future.

If anyone wants to know more, share more etc, please let me know, will be happy to. I think the biggest learning I have is that it is all possible and depression/anxiety is an illness that stops you from being yourself and pushes you to judge yourself on your depressed self (does that makes sense?). You are not your depressed self.

The black dog is real my friends, but right now it is more of a puppy dog that I have to keep an eye on and ensure is trained and tamed, not ruling the yard that is my head.

Cheers
SteppingTiger

what wonderful news. Thanks so much for the update. Not only is it fantastic to see you are turning the corner, this sort of message will encourage others who read this thread to also seek help.

 

[Chief]

Update as promised:

1) Just got home and it feels good!

2) Diagnosed with severe depression, which stems from my dependant personality type (i.e. I take my values, self worth and esteem from what others say and do, I do not establish them myself. This also impacts on me developing my own interests. I become interested in what others around me are interested in. This makes the whole concept of me having time to myself since my separation, to pursue my own interests a very difficult task ), and borderline personality (which I understand is where I will change from one mood to another. Not bi-polar as there is no mania or hyper mania, just manage to go from a depressive state to a happy state easily for example, based on what is around me. Best demonstration is my ability to be crying on my way to a meeting with clients and then being able to put the game face on immediately, perform and then get back in the car and act like it all never happened and get on with the day. Same with a disagreement with my wife, I would move on and act like it never happened).

3) Belmont hospital is great, good doctors, good nurses and great staff. Even better was my BUPA hospital cover not being adequate and them allowing me a 'once off psychiatric upgrade' in my cover so I had no waiting period. Premium went up by $35 per fortnight and excess dropped from $1000 to $500. This was such a relief as the hospital gap would have been over $400 per night. Fellow patients were pretty cool, and shows you are not alone.

4) Friends and family were amazingly supportive. A lot of calls, messages and visitors with so much encouragement and no judgement. Whist it is only representative of people in my network, I think it shows that people around you are far more accepting and will listen if you ask for help. They all just wanted what was best for me.

5) Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is really helpful. Split into two modules of anxiety and depression, it covers the symptoms, causes and suggested strategies for controlling your thinking and taking back your thoughts. Remarkable how possible it is, and how impossible it can seem 3 weeks ago. Also focused on gratitude, appreciation, relaxation and monitoring.

6) Lastly, completed a 'myDNA' blood test which takes a couple of weeks. Psychiatrist told me that we all metabolise medication at different rates, so often a decision to increase medication or change is more a trial and error, rather than an informed decision. My medication will be adjusted in response to the test next week. This applies to sleep meds as well I believe.

Moving forward now I have a psychologist appointment next week and we will be working on my values and understanding myself more (something that wasn't possible previously off such a low base), have weekly check-ins by the outreach program for the next 4 weeks and 2 more psychiatrist appts in the coming 4 weeks. This afternoon I see the GP to confirm a return to work schedule, which gives some anxiety as to how work will respond, but ultimately, i shouldn't worry until I get a response from them.

I am focusing on my exercise (which i developed a habit of daily in the hospital, with weights, walking and running), ensuring I make regular contact with my social network (which I had withdrawn from) and pursuing a few 'meet up' groups (a phone app) to meet people with similar interests and be out and about a lot more. The change is that I feel that it is possible and there is hope for the future, it still is on me to make the change, but again it seems possible rather than insurmountable.

I will only be engaging with my wife when it comes to matters with the kids and all other support I need, I will be going elsewhere. Her ability to be objective is quite compromised even though she cares deeply and wants to help. This also means I can start to see her my friend and a mother to my kids than an ex-lover, wife, confidant and highly cherished individual that I have 'lost'. No doubt there will be times this isn't clear for me, but spending less time around her will help for sure.

In other news, a bit of Tinder and Bumble time has meant I have started conversations with a few women which shows me again that there is possibility and my life is not 'over' when it comes to relationships (22 years since we met and faithful the whole time). While it is not the be all and end all, one of my passions is socialising (which I discovered over the last 2 weeks) and the opportunity to meet people, have conversations and a little thrill of flirting and what could happen next. Looking forward to the future.

If anyone wants to know more, share more etc, please let me know, will be happy to. I think the biggest learning I have is that it is all possible and depression/anxiety is an illness that stops you from being yourself and pushes you to judge yourself on your depressed self (does that makes sense?). You are not your depressed self.

The black dog is real my friends, but right now it is more of a puppy dog that I have to keep an eye on and ensure is trained and tamed, not ruling the yard that is my head.

Cheers
SteppingTiger

So good to hear you’ve made positive steps.

 

[Percel]

Great post SteppingTiger, more power to you.

 

[Shane Heard]

Update as promised:

1) Just got home and it feels good!

2) Diagnosed with severe depression, which stems from my dependant personality type (i.e. I take my values, self worth and esteem from what others say and do, I do not establish them myself. This also impacts on me developing my own interests. I become interested in what others around me are interested in. This makes the whole concept of me having time to myself since my separation, to pursue my own interests a very difficult task ), and borderline personality (which I understand is where I will change from one mood to another. Not bi-polar as there is no mania or hyper mania, just manage to go from a depressive state to a happy state easily for example, based on what is around me. Best demonstration is my ability to be crying on my way to a meeting with clients and then being able to put the game face on immediately, perform and then get back in the car and act like it all never happened and get on with the day. Same with a disagreement with my wife, I would move on and act like it never happened).

3) Belmont hospital is great, good doctors, good nurses and great staff. Even better was my BUPA hospital cover not being adequate and them allowing me a 'once off psychiatric upgrade' in my cover so I had no waiting period. Premium went up by $35 per fortnight and excess dropped from $1000 to $500. This was such a relief as the hospital gap would have been over $400 per night. Fellow patients were pretty cool, and shows you are not alone.

4) Friends and family were amazingly supportive. A lot of calls, messages and visitors with so much encouragement and no judgement. Whist it is only representative of people in my network, I think it shows that people around you are far more accepting and will listen if you ask for help. They all just wanted what was best for me.

5) Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is really helpful. Split into two modules of anxiety and depression, it covers the symptoms, causes and suggested strategies for controlling your thinking and taking back your thoughts. Remarkable how possible it is, and how impossible it can seem 3 weeks ago. Also focused on gratitude, appreciation, relaxation and monitoring.

6) Lastly, completed a 'myDNA' blood test which takes a couple of weeks. Psychiatrist told me that we all metabolise medication at different rates, so often a decision to increase medication or change is more a trial and error, rather than an informed decision. My medication will be adjusted in response to the test next week. This applies to sleep meds as well I believe.

Moving forward now I have a psychologist appointment next week and we will be working on my values and understanding myself more (something that wasn't possible previously off such a low base), have weekly check-ins by the outreach program for the next 4 weeks and 2 more psychiatrist appts in the coming 4 weeks. This afternoon I see the GP to confirm a return to work schedule, which gives some anxiety as to how work will respond, but ultimately, i shouldn't worry until I get a response from them.

I am focusing on my exercise (which i developed a habit of daily in the hospital, with weights, walking and running), ensuring I make regular contact with my social network (which I had withdrawn from) and pursuing a few 'meet up' groups (a phone app) to meet people with similar interests and be out and about a lot more. The change is that I feel that it is possible and there is hope for the future, it still is on me to make the change, but again it seems possible rather than insurmountable.

I will only be engaging with my wife when it comes to matters with the kids and all other support I need, I will be going elsewhere. Her ability to be objective is quite compromised even though she cares deeply and wants to help. This also means I can start to see her my friend and a mother to my kids than an ex-lover, wife, confidant and highly cherished individual that I have 'lost'. No doubt there will be times this isn't clear for me, but spending less time around her will help for sure.

In other news, a bit of Tinder and Bumble time has meant I have started conversations with a few women which shows me again that there is possibility and my life is not 'over' when it comes to relationships (22 years since we met and faithful the whole time). While it is not the be all and end all, one of my passions is socialising (which I discovered over the last 2 weeks) and the opportunity to meet people, have conversations and a little thrill of flirting and what could happen next. Looking forward to the future.

If anyone wants to know more, share more etc, please let me know, will be happy to. I think the biggest learning I have is that it is all possible and depression/anxiety is an illness that stops you from being yourself and pushes you to judge yourself on your depressed self (does that makes sense?). You are not your depressed self.

The black dog is real my friends, but right now it is more of a puppy dog that I have to keep an eye on and ensure is trained and tamed, not ruling the yard that is my head.

Cheers
SteppingTiger

Wonderful results for you mate.

You’re quite the writer too.

Very expressive. Keep up the posts and write updates here and then.

I’m sure there’s many here that would get a great insight from your experiences

 

[smasha]

Hugs to all those struggling ,who were s**t at school and bullied all their lives in a colder World which puts being smart at the top of importance.

God not doing a very good job atm.

 

[PhatBoy]

Hugs to all those struggling ,who were s**t at school and bullied all their lives in a colder World which puts being smart at the top of importance.

God not doing a very good job atm.

don’t want to get into a religious debate with you by any means mate but to those who believe (I am one, but have no beef with those that don’t), it’s the fact that God have us free will that leads to that happening. We have a choice every day, every time we engage our brains, to do right or wrong or kind or mean. And that’s simply what leads to that sort of thing. people have a choice to be kind or be a prick and if they choose the latter, that’s how bullying is done. And it sucks.

 

[LiquidCrow]

Tonight I was chatting to one of the nurses I used to work with and found out that there is a community fundraiser for Men's Mental Health happening on November 24 at Chirnside Park which may be of interest to those in outer east Victoria.

Looks like it could be a nice day out for a good cause with classic cars, food trucks, and an auction including plenty of footy memorabilia donated by local businesses and quite a few AFL clubs.

Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shewontberightmate/
Event page:

 

[LeverPuller]

Hey all, so the partner and I made the decision to break it off last night. Probably going to get rough as I try to find somewhere to live etc, would appreciate any resources out there for supporting blokes in this situation esp if ACT-based.