Mod. Notice Depressed? Anxious? Call Beyond Blue (1300 224636), Lifeline (131114), resources in OP

[Matt Stevic]

Where do your best friends live, in QLD?? Even If you don't feel like you have a best friend or best friends I guarantee you have good people you know that would help out if you let them know things aren't 100%. Heck ask if it's okay to sleep on their couch for a few weeks while you look for a job, there'll be someone you know in QLD happy to go out and have a beer and watch the footy on a friday night with you I guarantee it. Just gotta let them know things aren't 100%. Definitely go see a doctor and have a chat if you think you can. It's awesome how quickly things can turn around if you start living with people you like instead of people you can't stand.

Maybe it's not that simple for you and for whatever reason my suggestions don't help for your situation, I don't know all the info, but I reckon if you go out of your way to spend time around people you like then things get easier

Hey man. Everyone I know lives up there. Before this year I spent my entire adult life up there. I have a few friends down in Geelong but now two of them want to move back up as well!

Thank you so much for the suggestions but I can't really leave right now. I'm a grown man (22 years old) and somehow my parents have a strangle hold on me. They are extremely controlling, as they were back when I was in high school. They are not bad people at all, and in Greek/European culture parents are expected to be controlling, but I just can't tolerate it. My parents rationalize it by saying that I am the kind of person that needs to be pushed, that I hate going out of my comfort zone, that I'm risk averse etc. I had my struggles up there, and low self esteem is very difficult to overcome, but at the very least I had a great lifestyle, warm weather and a lot less trouble meeting people.

However I am willing to give Victorian life another go. I will stay over the next few months, continuing to save money for a house deposit and then move to Geelong. I don't like Melbourne at all, grew up here and couldn't wait to leave. But if I simply can't take it any more, I'll head back north...and cop the talk about how I'm a bad son or whatever.

I would love to hear some opinions from people with a little more life experience, should I stay down here or head back up?

 

[Matt Stevic]

Doing ok. Bit worried about post AFL season. Im going to have to get into the A league. No local team here though.

Hey where are you based? Gold Coast?

Try jumping on a Premier League bandwagon, I highly recommend Arsenal

 

[Ando727]

Hey man. Everyone I know lives up there. Before this year I spent my entire adult life up there. I have a few friends down in Geelong but now two of them want to move back up as well!

Thank you so much for the suggestions but I can't really leave right now. I'm a grown man (22 years old) and somehow my parents have a strangle hold on me. They are extremely controlling, as they were back when I was in high school. They are not bad people at all, and in Greek/European culture parents are expected to be controlling, but I just can't tolerate it. My parents rationalize it by saying that I am the kind of person that needs to be pushed, that I hate going out of my comfort zone, that I'm risk averse etc. I had my struggles up there, and low self esteem is very difficult to overcome, but at the very least I had a great lifestyle, warm weather and a lot less trouble meeting people.

However I am willing to give Victorian life another go. I will stay over the next few months, continuing to save money for a house deposit and then move to Geelong. I don't like Melbourne at all, grew up here and couldn't wait to leave. But if I simply can't take it any more, I'll head back north...and cop the talk about how I'm a bad son or whatever.

I would love to hear some opinions from people with a little more life experience, should I stay down here or head back up?

Ok, I'm 43 years old and have got a fair bit of life experience behind me. I've experienced controlling behaviour from my parents too - but probably not to the Greek parent level. I've had Greek friends so I do know how involved they try to get in their children's decision-making.

My take on this is that being the "good son" is fine if you can do it without becoming unwell. Some people will grumble about their meddling parents but will ultimately appreciate the feeling of caring, involvement and safety they get from them. Others find their lives are so stifled that they literally feel they have no control over their own life. I think if you fall into the latter camp, you need to assert your independence because if you are getting more and more unhappy and depressed, there's no way you are going to be the "good son" anyway. At some stage there's likely to be a confrontation and you're likely to say some things that they'll never let you forget. In a way, getting independent might well be protecting them from the consequences of what might happen if you hit a critical juncture with your health.

Your health has to take priority over everything else. Only worry about those other things if you do have your health because without it, you won't be much use to anyone anyway. Another thought I have is that perhaps your parents see you as needing to be guided through everything. Maybe that's why they are so controlling? Maybe they think you won't survive without their assistance. But by moving out and making your own life, you would be showing them that you are your own man, that you can do well on your own and build your own life. It might be the ticket to your health improving and to them reducing their worry about you. It's a win-win, even if they feel the grief of you being far away from them.

If you're determined to stay with them for a bit longer, I'd recommend you try to get through to them how you're feeling. I know it can be very hard to get through to them. I butted my head against the parental-communication wall many times, but eventually I did get some important messages through to them. What I did manage to convey was hugely beneficial in me getting the space to do my thing, and to them understanding that their nagging and pressure was completely counterproductive. Since I had those chats and I took responsibility for my own life, things changed dramatically - for the better.

 

[Matt Stevic]

Ok, I'm 43 years old and have got a fair bit of life experience behind me. I've experienced controlling behaviour from my parents too - but probably not to the Greek parent level. I've had Greek friends so I do know how involved they try to get in their children's decision-making.

My take on this is that being the "good son" is fine if you can do it without becoming unwell. Some people will grumble about their meddling parents but will ultimately appreciate the feeling of caring, involvement and safety they get from them. Others find their lives are so stifled that they literally feel they have no control over their own life. I think if you fall into the latter camp, you need to assert your independence because if you are getting more and more unhappy and depressed, there's no way you are going to be the "good son" anyway. At some stage there's likely to be a confrontation and you're likely to say some things that they'll never let you forget. In a way, getting independent might well be protecting them from the consequences of what might happen if you hit a critical juncture with your health.

Your health has to take priority over everything else. Only worry about those other things if you do have your health because without it, you won't be much use to anyone anyway. Another thought I have is that perhaps your parents see you as needing to be guided through everything. Maybe that's why they are so controlling? Maybe they think you won't survive without their assistance. But by moving out and making your own life, you would be showing them that you are your own man, that you can do well on your own and build your own life. It might be the ticket to your health improving and to them reducing their worry about you. It's a win-win, even if they feel the grief of you being far away from them.

If you're determined to stay with them for a bit longer, I'd recommend you try to get through to them how you're feeling. I know it can be very hard to get through to them. I butted my head against the parental-communication wall many times, but eventually I did get some important messages through to them. What I did manage to convey was hugely beneficial in me getting the space to do my thing, and to them understanding that their nagging and pressure was completely counterproductive. Since I had those chats and I took responsibility for my own life, things changed dramatically - for the better.

Thank you. It sounds like a great idea- I'll have a chat to my parents about leaving me some space. I don't want to get resentful but the memories of how I was treated back in high school always flood back. I think maybe I need to tell them that if I make a bad decision, I'll bear the consequences myself...

Living out of home for 5 years was tough on my parents. My parents feel like I've regressed in that time and therefore they push extra hard. They say it's the worst thing they let me do (yep, 'let me') because they weren't there to give me guidance. I reckon it's the best thing I ever did, because it gave me a career I love and a social life I enjoyed. I would be dead if I didn't go. I think they see me unhappy now, and unhappy at 16, they missed everything in between...

 

[Billy ray]

Hey where are you based? Gold Coast?

Try jumping on a Premier League bandwagon, I highly recommend Arsenal

yeh gold coast. Ive tried epl and euro soccer but time difference is a killer. Im not a night person. A league should be ok. Either roar and make the trek up to brisbane or maybe just follow tim cahill at melb city.

 

[sportsmaniac89]

I'm honestly glad this thread exists and yes this is my first post.

Sadly, I've not felt comfortable talking to people on here about what I've gone through and continue to go through. A lot of what I'm going through is coming out in my lashings out over the last 2-3 days but then again, I believe that no-one would give two shits because unfortunately a lot of people are appallingly classless.

I was diagnosed with depression in May 2015. Before that my fiance dealt with PTSD from July 2013 to November 2014. When she started to get better was around the time that I started falling apart. It was doing the same thing day after day and in those moments, allowing negative thoughts to enter my head. I was exhausted from looking after her for that time and when these thoughts started entering, I never had a chance. Things got progressively worse until I got to a point where I just broke down and started falling apart. During that time, I was behaving out of character and cutting my fiance out. My friends knew more than what she did. Stupid me was trying to be moral and protect her from the mess I was becoming but the fact remains, I was damaging friendships and relationship. Finally this all came to bite me on the arse in January this year when I was exposed for inappropriate behaviour. I don't like talking about that needless to say that I cut almost everyone out of my life and decided that salvaging my relationship was more important. Since then I have just been bitter and hate filled towards myself for everything that happened at the start of this year and now I am at a point where I don't like the person I am and/or have become and I don't even know what person that is anymore. During this battle with depression, I've seen my Dad hospitalised twice for a heart problem, I've stacked on a lot of weight and now my health is in some danger.

I know this is a shorthand account of everything but this is essentially what has happened for quite some time.

I've been seeing a psychologist to deal with all the issues that I have but I just find that at the moment, I'm not the person I want to be and this person that I portray online, while a reflection of me IRL at this present time, isn't truly me.

I expect some classless individuals to see this as a deflection or playing the victim or something like that and if that is the case, well, it is what it is.

I'm speaking up because here on BF, I really have no-one. I've almost cut my friends off completely because I don't want them to see me like this..my family can't understand the extent of what my head is doing because they come from a different era and really, online, I'm an a-hole basically. Why would I be any different when I get treated like trash so often?

The Bulldogs winning the Grand Final has truly broken me and revealed the worst of myself on here but not only that I've fallen apart even further if that was possible.

I've wanted to run away so often and while some of those feelings have dimmed, I dunno any more, maybe all I am is just a bitter, twisted individual.

 

[Matt Stevic]

I'm honestly glad this thread exists and yes this is my first post.

Sadly, I've not felt comfortable talking to people on here about what I've gone through and continue to go through. A lot of what I'm going through is coming out in my lashings out over the last 2-3 days but then again, I believe that no-one would give two shits because unfortunately a lot of people are appallingly classless.

I was diagnosed with depression in May 2015. Before that my fiance dealt with PTSD from July 2013 to November 2014. When she started to get better was around the time that I started falling apart. It was doing the same thing day after day and in those moments, allowing negative thoughts to enter my head. I was exhausted from looking after her for that time and when these thoughts started entering, I never had a chance. Things got progressively worse until I got to a point where I just broke down and started falling apart. During that time, I was behaving out of character and cutting my fiance out. My friends knew more than what she did. Stupid me was trying to be moral and protect her from the mess I was becoming but the fact remains, I was damaging friendships and relationship. Finally this all came to bite me on the arse in January this year when I was exposed for inappropriate behaviour. I don't like talking about that needless to say that I cut almost everyone out of my life and decided that salvaging my relationship was more important. Since then I have just been bitter and hate filled towards myself for everything that happened at the start of this year and now I am at a point where I don't like the person I am and/or have become and I don't even know what person that is anymore. During this battle with depression, I've seen my Dad hospitalised twice for a heart problem, I've stacked on a lot of weight and now my health is in some danger.

I know this is a shorthand account of everything but this is essentially what has happened for quite some time.

I've been seeing a psychologist to deal with all the issues that I have but I just find that at the moment, I'm not the person I want to be and this person that I portray online, while a reflection of me IRL at this present time, isn't truly me.

I expect some classless individuals to see this as a deflection or playing the victim or something like that and if that is the case, well, it is what it is.

I'm speaking up because here on BF, I really have no-one. I've almost cut my friends off completely because I don't want them to see me like this..my family can't understand the extent of what my head is doing because they come from a different era and really, online, I'm an a-hole basically. Why would I be any different when I get treated like trash so often?

The Bulldogs winning the Grand Final has truly broken me and revealed the worst of myself on here but not only that I've fallen apart even further if that was possible.

I've wanted to run away so often and while some of those feelings have dimmed, I dunno any more, maybe all I am is just a bitter, twisted individual.

Thanks for being so open. It takes guts to speak out.

If you can, maybe you could consider moving with your fiance interstate, maybe somewhere like Queensland? Maybe start a new life together with your girl once you guys are husband and wife. Melbourne is quite an isolating city in my view, and you don't really tend to notice it unless you've lived somewhere else. It'll allow you to put those nasty events behind you.

In the meantime, if you want to hang out, I'm always here. I'm always happy to listen, and I'm sure many others on the forum are too.

 

[mxett]

I'm honestly glad this thread exists and yes this is my first post.

Sadly, I've not felt comfortable talking to people on here about what I've gone through and continue to go through. A lot of what I'm going through is coming out in my lashings out over the last 2-3 days but then again, I believe that no-one would give two shits because unfortunately a lot of people are appallingly classless.

I was diagnosed with depression in May 2015. Before that my fiance dealt with PTSD from July 2013 to November 2014. When she started to get better was around the time that I started falling apart. It was doing the same thing day after day and in those moments, allowing negative thoughts to enter my head. I was exhausted from looking after her for that time and when these thoughts started entering, I never had a chance. Things got progressively worse until I got to a point where I just broke down and started falling apart. During that time, I was behaving out of character and cutting my fiance out. My friends knew more than what she did. Stupid me was trying to be moral and protect her from the mess I was becoming but the fact remains, I was damaging friendships and relationship. Finally this all came to bite me on the arse in January this year when I was exposed for inappropriate behaviour. I don't like talking about that needless to say that I cut almost everyone out of my life and decided that salvaging my relationship was more important. Since then I have just been bitter and hate filled towards myself for everything that happened at the start of this year and now I am at a point where I don't like the person I am and/or have become and I don't even know what person that is anymore. During this battle with depression, I've seen my Dad hospitalised twice for a heart problem, I've stacked on a lot of weight and now my health is in some danger.

I know this is a shorthand account of everything but this is essentially what has happened for quite some time.

I've been seeing a psychologist to deal with all the issues that I have but I just find that at the moment, I'm not the person I want to be and this person that I portray online, while a reflection of me IRL at this present time, isn't truly me.

I expect some classless individuals to see this as a deflection or playing the victim or something like that and if that is the case, well, it is what it is.

I'm speaking up because here on BF, I really have no-one. I've almost cut my friends off completely because I don't want them to see me like this..my family can't understand the extent of what my head is doing because they come from a different era and really, online, I'm an a-hole basically. Why would I be any different when I get treated like trash so often?

The Bulldogs winning the Grand Final has truly broken me and revealed the worst of myself on here but not only that I've fallen apart even further if that was possible.

I've wanted to run away so often and while some of those feelings have dimmed, I dunno any more, maybe all I am is just a bitter, twisted individual.

I know its a lot easier said than done, but you need to start being far kinder to yourself. I know when I started having issues at work it turned out it was because I was being bullied. Thing is, the bully was actually me. My unrealistically high expectations on myself were causing my own self judgements, much of which simply werent true. I'm not sure if that helps, it's just what I noticed from your post. If one of your friends had come out and said what you did what would be your reaction? Would you react with compassion or judgement? Please dont take this as criticism because your post was both brave and honest. But one of the first things you need to do is see how hard you're being on yourself.

 

[smasha]

Can't watch soccer anymore,makes me really depressed for some reason.
Aussie Rules,always action all the time which keeps your mind from overthinking.
When SEN have a soccer segment on,I change the channel.
06 was a great year for the sport and had some excitement in it but now its a cashed up business and no matter how much I watch it,the business side always comes into it,why I was happy the Doggies won this year.
Soccer was at its peak in the 70s.

 

[Glacier]

I'm honestly glad this thread exists and yes this is my first post.

Sadly, I've not felt comfortable talking to people on here about what I've gone through and continue to go through. A lot of what I'm going through is coming out in my lashings out over the last 2-3 days but then again, I believe that no-one would give two shits because unfortunately a lot of people are appallingly classless.

I was diagnosed with depression in May 2015. Before that my fiance dealt with PTSD from July 2013 to November 2014. When she started to get better was around the time that I started falling apart. It was doing the same thing day after day and in those moments, allowing negative thoughts to enter my head. I was exhausted from looking after her for that time and when these thoughts started entering, I never had a chance. Things got progressively worse until I got to a point where I just broke down and started falling apart. During that time, I was behaving out of character and cutting my fiance out. My friends knew more than what she did. Stupid me was trying to be moral and protect her from the mess I was becoming but the fact remains, I was damaging friendships and relationship. Finally this all came to bite me on the arse in January this year when I was exposed for inappropriate behaviour. I don't like talking about that needless to say that I cut almost everyone out of my life and decided that salvaging my relationship was more important. Since then I have just been bitter and hate filled towards myself for everything that happened at the start of this year and now I am at a point where I don't like the person I am and/or have become and I don't even know what person that is anymore. During this battle with depression, I've seen my Dad hospitalised twice for a heart problem, I've stacked on a lot of weight and now my health is in some danger.

I know this is a shorthand account of everything but this is essentially what has happened for quite some time.

I've been seeing a psychologist to deal with all the issues that I have but I just find that at the moment, I'm not the person I want to be and this person that I portray online, while a reflection of me IRL at this present time, isn't truly me.

I expect some classless individuals to see this as a deflection or playing the victim or something like that and if that is the case, well, it is what it is.

I'm speaking up because here on BF, I really have no-one. I've almost cut my friends off completely because I don't want them to see me like this..my family can't understand the extent of what my head is doing because they come from a different era and really, online, I'm an a-hole basically. Why would I be any different when I get treated like trash so often?

The Bulldogs winning the Grand Final has truly broken me and revealed the worst of myself on here but not only that I've fallen apart even further if that was possible.

I've wanted to run away so often and while some of those feelings have dimmed, I dunno any more, maybe all I am is just a bitter, twisted individual.

Pm me mate

 

[ezard15]

I'm honestly glad this thread exists and yes this is my first post.

Sadly, I've not felt comfortable talking to people on here about what I've gone through and continue to go through. A lot of what I'm going through is coming out in my lashings out over the last 2-3 days but then again, I believe that no-one would give two shits because unfortunately a lot of people are appallingly classless.

I was diagnosed with depression in May 2015. Before that my fiance dealt with PTSD from July 2013 to November 2014. When she started to get better was around the time that I started falling apart. It was doing the same thing day after day and in those moments, allowing negative thoughts to enter my head. I was exhausted from looking after her for that time and when these thoughts started entering, I never had a chance. Things got progressively worse until I got to a point where I just broke down and started falling apart. During that time, I was behaving out of character and cutting my fiance out. My friends knew more than what she did. Stupid me was trying to be moral and protect her from the mess I was becoming but the fact remains, I was damaging friendships and relationship. Finally this all came to bite me on the arse in January this year when I was exposed for inappropriate behaviour. I don't like talking about that needless to say that I cut almost everyone out of my life and decided that salvaging my relationship was more important. Since then I have just been bitter and hate filled towards myself for everything that happened at the start of this year and now I am at a point where I don't like the person I am and/or have become and I don't even know what person that is anymore. During this battle with depression, I've seen my Dad hospitalised twice for a heart problem, I've stacked on a lot of weight and now my health is in some danger.

I know this is a shorthand account of everything but this is essentially what has happened for quite some time.

I've been seeing a psychologist to deal with all the issues that I have but I just find that at the moment, I'm not the person I want to be and this person that I portray online, while a reflection of me IRL at this present time, isn't truly me.

I expect some classless individuals to see this as a deflection or playing the victim or something like that and if that is the case, well, it is what it is.

I'm speaking up because here on BF, I really have no-one. I've almost cut my friends off completely because I don't want them to see me like this..my family can't understand the extent of what my head is doing because they come from a different era and really, online, I'm an a-hole basically. Why would I be any different when I get treated like trash so often?

The Bulldogs winning the Grand Final has truly broken me and revealed the worst of myself on here but not only that I've fallen apart even further if that was possible.

I've wanted to run away so often and while some of those feelings have dimmed, I dunno any more, maybe all I am is just a bitter, twisted individual.

My advice is to develop some tools to overcome the negative thoughts. google Cognitive behavioural therapy, mindfulness, breathing exercises etc.

Also really basic stuff like diet, exercise and routine is important.

I would definitely recommend going to see a GP and telling them about what you mentioned above. Possibly a mental health plan and referral to a psychologist. You'd be surprised how many other people on here have done the same thing.

And as others have said, try and be kind to yourself - you deserve it. Please feel free to PM me. I am not the world's biggest expert but know a bit more about this stuff than most.

 

[Tiger Snake]

depression and anxiety have been my private hell for most of my life...
it has been very costly and almost lost everybody and everything...
to the outside world i'm a functioning human being...
i'm fighting the fight as best i can and have been of all meds since just before ANZAC Day...
big love and strength to all of you...

 

[mxett]

depression and anxiety have been my private hell for most of my life...
it has been very costly and almost lost everybody and everything...
to the outside world i'm a functioning human being...
i'm fighting the fight as best i can and have been of all meds since just before ANZAC Day...
big love and strength to all of you...

People who live a functional life despite battling these incredibly difficult challenges are heroes in my book because the strength of body and mind required just to get through every day is enormous. Great job on being med free.

 

[mxett]

For anyone who doesnt understand what anxiety is or how difficult it is to endure, this guy's tedx talk explains it brilliantly.

 

[jedi mind tricks]

People who live a functional life despite battling these incredibly difficult challenges are heroes in my book because the strength of body and mind required just to get through every day is enormous. Great job on being med free.

Meds never worked for me it just masked the problem. Support network and changing my lifestyle has helped.

I have posted about it in this tread and don't want to repeat myself though it's good that posters from all clubs are willing to help each other in this thread.

 

[SydneyMalakellis]

I'm honestly glad this thread exists and yes this is my first post.

Sadly, I've not felt comfortable talking to people on here about what I've gone through and continue to go through. A lot of what I'm going through is coming out in my lashings out over the last 2-3 days but then again, I believe that no-one would give two shits because unfortunately a lot of people are appallingly classless.

I was diagnosed with depression in May 2015. Before that my fiance dealt with PTSD from July 2013 to November 2014. When she started to get better was around the time that I started falling apart. It was doing the same thing day after day and in those moments, allowing negative thoughts to enter my head. I was exhausted from looking after her for that time and when these thoughts started entering, I never had a chance. Things got progressively worse until I got to a point where I just broke down and started falling apart. During that time, I was behaving out of character and cutting my fiance out. My friends knew more than what she did. Stupid me was trying to be moral and protect her from the mess I was becoming but the fact remains, I was damaging friendships and relationship. Finally this all came to bite me on the arse in January this year when I was exposed for inappropriate behaviour. I don't like talking about that needless to say that I cut almost everyone out of my life and decided that salvaging my relationship was more important. Since then I have just been bitter and hate filled towards myself for everything that happened at the start of this year and now I am at a point where I don't like the person I am and/or have become and I don't even know what person that is anymore. During this battle with depression, I've seen my Dad hospitalised twice for a heart problem, I've stacked on a lot of weight and now my health is in some danger.

I know this is a shorthand account of everything but this is essentially what has happened for quite some time.

I've been seeing a psychologist to deal with all the issues that I have but I just find that at the moment, I'm not the person I want to be and this person that I portray online, while a reflection of me IRL at this present time, isn't truly me.

I expect some classless individuals to see this as a deflection or playing the victim or something like that and if that is the case, well, it is what it is.

I'm speaking up because here on BF, I really have no-one. I've almost cut my friends off completely because I don't want them to see me like this..my family can't understand the extent of what my head is doing because they come from a different era and really, online, I'm an a-hole basically. Why would I be any different when I get treated like trash so often?

The Bulldogs winning the Grand Final has truly broken me and revealed the worst of myself on here but not only that I've fallen apart even further if that was possible.

I've wanted to run away so often and while some of those feelings have dimmed, I dunno any more, maybe all I am is just a bitter, twisted individual.

Your story sounds a lot like what I've been going through. So many things going wrong, one after another, after another this year. No longer talk to my Dad. Wife doesn't talk to her Dad. Family all at each other's throats. Lost one of my best friends. Wife lost her best friend. Not to death but just through true colours being revealed. I shut my wife out, started drinking, and being withdrawn. House was trashed by renters. Ripped off by another real estate agent and lost hundreds of thousands of dollars. Developed chest pains. Couldn't sleep. Crying all the time. Everything has gone wrong.

From the outside, I've got a good job, great family, good health, but inside I've been falling apart piece by piece all year, to the point I was seriously hoping that people would run me over on my bike every morning. I thought so often about just riding into a car.

Then I did some stuff that was immature and selfish which broke the trust of my wife.

I've been seeing a psychologist where it's good to talk after getting a mental health plan. Now I'm on meds. Haven't started working yet but I'm hopeful.
I think it's good to know that you're not alone. We are all just humans. We aren't perfect. We do things wrong. All the time. But as others have said mindfulness, and listening to meditation to calm the brain down and just listen to breathing sometimes help. Write stuff down to get it out of your head.

My psychologist suggested a good thing which was to write a letter to yourself. We are all so good at giving advice to other people, but we can't do it for ourselves. We show much more compassion to others rather than just catastrophising every thing like we do to ourselves.

You can do it. You are real. You are a human.

Breathe.

Just breathe.

Good luck mate.

 

[Lithium]

Not sure why I'm putting it here, put I guess I want to put my story somewhere where i don't have to wake up and look the person in the eye i told it to and have them think anything less of me.

I'll start from the begging as I think it might help me just to get it out there.

To a certain extent I have had issues with depression since around 10. I would shut down at times, stop talking much, stopped eating, just going into a shell for a week or two. Nothing major, but there were signs from an early age that this was something that would plague my future.
It wasn't to 15 that I had my first real battle though. I shut down for a while, wouldn't leave my bed for anything. Stopped eating and talking completely. I was nothing but a shell for a month. This led to my first hospitalisation. I was given antidepressants and left not long after. They did help, but not enough. When I really think about it, i can't remember being ever happy since this age. I might smile now and again, even laugh from time to time but every night I go to bed hoping I might not wake up.

The next major incident came at 17. I had just began year 12 and started to go 'off the rails'. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think straight yet everything made sense to me, I felt invincible and unstoppable. One night things got particularly bad, I wrote all over my walls (a theory on how time was just a construct) and tried to set my self on fire. Obviously this led to another hospitalisation where I was diagnosed with Bipolar (a diagnoses my current psychologists and psychiatrist think may have been incorrect) and prescribed lithium (See user name) and quetiapine. These helped slightly I guess, at least with controlling my mood. But shortly after I feel into my worse depression, 3 months with little to no eating and hardly leaving bed. I went from a an already slim 60kg to 37kg. Back to hospital again! As a result of this I of coarse didn't complete year 12, but I did start to improve a bit towards the end of the year.

I started year 12 at an adult school in Melbourne last year which actually got off to a readable start, I was still struggling with some personal Issues but It was going ok. This was until about half way though the year. A friend I had made, someone I met through the school killed himself. I really I did love the guy. We shared so many common interest, and empathised with each other a lot. Losing him, especially in that manner was had. Really ******* hard. I started drinking a lot after this just as a way to cope with it. His death coupled with my current depression and gradually increasing anxiety issue culminated in a pretty bad second half of 2015. I was far to anxious to go to classes and my grades suffered, I even missed an exam. I eventually did far poorer that what i should have done. Despite this, I still somehow got in Uni, so to some extent things were kind of looking up.

With my parents help I got my own place and the first half of the year went pretty well. I was still really struggling with anxiety but I was determined to work on it. Like usual however, this got worse again. I became more anxious, more depressed, more shut in, more paranoid, less eating, less sleeping, I was resorting to old habits. Things were particularly bad one night and it was then I though, * it! I reached out to the councillors at the Uni an got an appointment. I loved the psychologist I got, something I didn't expect. I was deteriorating mentally but she was providing great support. She referred me to a place the specialises with extreme mental health issues and I began going there. I thought I was really making progress with my pyscolgist but the all of a sudden she had to leave. She was an intern and they said had leave as she had already completed her necessary hours. Our final sessions was hard. We both said a teary good bye. It really tore me up. This was two weeks ago.

I had been having a lot of panic attacks the past few months and last Monday I called my mom as it was particularly bad. I could here shouting, screaming and scratching at the doors. When my mum found me I was passed out with my leg was deeply cut open as I though there were bugs in there.

Today I went to the mental health clinic and my mum came with me. They went over the clinical depression which she's was already aware, then spoke about general anxiety, social anxiety and agoraphobia, which came as a bit as a surprise to her. What they said next surprised us both, they said I'm showing early signs of schizophrenia. They said this can be treated and catching signs earlier is a massive positive. So there is that to hold onto I guess.

Tonight I told my mum everything. How unhappy and empty I have been the past 5 years (I'm 20 next month) suicidal thought, a suiced attempt, drug use, I told her everything. And I feel broken as a result. I feel as if my parents will never look at me the same again.

Im terrified for the future. I'll likely leave Uni and I can't see myself finding a job due to my anxiety. I'll be with my parents for at least another year feeling as if i am being a drain.

This isn't a happy story, so far. I can't remember being me happy. Somewhere along the ling I stopped living for my self and started living for others as I knew they I could cope with my suicide. I dont enjoy things like I used. I remember feeling euphoric when Hawthorn won and destroyed when they lost, I now yearn for either of those. I just want to feel something, anything. I know people always say it gets better but I really am starting to doubt it.

I know I'm only 19 but I feel so lost and so unsure. So many have dreams, to be an actor, a football player or a rock star, but my dream is just to be happy, and with everyday I wake up it seems a little further away.

Thanks for anyone who managed to read this incredibly long post off a kid wallowing in his own misery, it's greatly apreacciated and I hope you are doing well also.

 

[Ando727]

Not sure why I'm putting it here, put I guess I want to put my story somewhere where i don't have to wake up and look the person in the eye i told it to and have them think anything less of me.

I'll start from the begging as I think it might help me just to get it out there.

To a certain extent I have had issues with depression since around 10. I would shut down at times, stop talking much, stopped eating, just going into a shell for a week or two. Nothing major, but there were signs from an early age that this was something that would plague my future.
It wasn't to 15 that I had my first real battle though. I shut down for a while, wouldn't leave my bed for anything. Stopped eating and talking completely. I was nothing but a shell for a month. This led to my first hospitalisation. I was given antidepressants and left not long after. They did help, but not enough. When I really think about it, i can't remember being ever happy since this age. I might smile now and again, even laugh from time to time but every night I go to bed hoping I might not wake up.

The next major incident came at 17. I had just began year 12 and started to go 'off the rails'. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think straight yet everything made sense to me, I felt invincible and unstoppable. One night things got particularly bad, I wrote all over my walls (a theory on how time was just a construct) and tried to set my self on fire. Obviously this led to another hospitalisation where I was diagnosed with Bipolar (a diagnoses my current psychologists and psychiatrist think may have been incorrect) and prescribed lithium (See user name) and quetiapine. These helped slightly I guess, at least with controlling my mood. But shortly after I feel into my worse depression, 3 months with little to no eating and hardly leaving bed. I went from a an already slim 60kg to 37kg. Back to hospital again! As a result of this I of coarse didn't complete year 12, but I did start to improve a bit towards the end of the year.

I started year 12 at an adult school in Melbourne last year which actually got off to a readable start, I was still struggling with some personal Issues but It was going ok. This was until about half way though the year. A friend I had made, someone I met through the school killed himself. I really I did love the guy. We shared so many common interest, and empathised with each other a lot. Losing him, especially in that manner was had. Really ******* hard. I started drinking a lot after this just as a way to cope with it. His death coupled with my current depression and gradually increasing anxiety issue culminated in a pretty bad second half of 2015. I was far to anxious to go to classes and my grades suffered, I even missed an exam. I eventually did far poorer that what i should have done. Despite this, I still somehow got in Uni, so to some extent things were kind of looking up.

With my parents help I got my own place and the first half of the year went pretty well. I was still really struggling with anxiety but I was determined to work on it. Like usual however, this got worse again. I became more anxious, more depressed, more shut in, more paranoid, less eating, less sleeping, I was resorting to old habits. Things were particularly bad one night and it was then I though, **** it! I reached out to the councillors at the Uni an got an appointment. I loved the psychologist I got, something I didn't expect. I was deteriorating mentally but she was providing great support. She referred me to a place the specialises with extreme mental health issues and I began going there. I thought I was really making progress with my pyscolgist but the all of a sudden she had to leave. She was an intern and they said had leave as she had already completed her necessary hours. Our final sessions was hard. We both said a teary good bye. It really tore me up. This was two weeks ago.

I had been having a lot of panic attacks the past few months and last Monday I called my mom as it was particularly bad. I could here shouting, screaming and scratching at the doors. When my mum found me I was passed out with my leg was deeply cut open as I though there were bugs in there.

Today I went to the mental health clinic and my mum came with me. They went over the clinical depression which she's was already aware, then spoke about general anxiety, social anxiety and agoraphobia, which came as a bit as a surprise to her. What they said next surprised us both, they said I'm showing early signs of schizophrenia. They said this can be treated and catching signs earlier is a massive positive. So there is that to hold onto I guess.

Tonight I told my mum everything. How unhappy and empty I have been the past 5 years (I'm 20 next month) suicidal thought, a suiced attempt, drug use, I told her everything. And I feel broken as a result. I feel as if my parents will never look at me the same again.

Im terrified for the future. I'll likely leave Uni and I can't see myself finding a job due to my anxiety. I'll be with my parents for at least another year feeling as if i am being a drain.

This isn't a happy story, so far. I can't remember being me happy. Somewhere along the ling I stopped living for my self and started living for others as I knew they I could cope with my suicide. I dont enjoy things like I used. I remember feeling euphoric when Hawthorn won and destroyed when they lost, I now yearn for either of those. I just want to feel something, anything. I know people always say it gets better but I really am starting to doubt it.

I know I'm only 19 but I feel so lost and so unsure. So many have dreams, to be an actor, a football player or a rock star, but my dream is just to be happy, and with everyday I wake up it seems a little further away.

Thanks for anyone who managed to read this incredibly long post off a kid wallowing in his own misery, it's greatly apreacciated and I hope you are doing well also.

Mate, that's really brave of you to open up like that. You've had a hell of a time. I really feel for you. Regarding your parents never looking at you the same way again: I actually think you may be wrong about that. There's no doubt they've noticed worrying signs about you for years. Maybe your family hasn't been big on the deep communication side of things, but you can't conceal such problems from your parents - trust me, they noticed and they were worried. I would encourage you to look at this as a good development. If you do in fact have schizophrenia, then it needs to be treated - along with whatever other issues you have. But just knowing what the problem is will be very empowering for you and for your parents. It won't be inexplicable misery anymore - there are things you can do, medications you can take, to get yourself to a much better place. Knowledge is power. There will still be a lot of work to get to know yourself properly and manage your condition, but it can be done. You can do this. You've just got to take a never-give-up attitude and look for ways to feel satisfaction in your life. And yes, find a counsellor who can stick with you for the long haul - it can be very difficult to lose a trusted therapist. I wish you the very best of luck. Keeping posting here if it helps. There are lot of great and understanding people in this thread.

 

[Lithium]

Mate, that's really brave of you to open up like that. You've had a hell of a time. I really feel for you. Regarding your parents never looking at you the same way again: I actually think you may be wrong about that. There's no doubt they've noticed worrying signs about you for years. Maybe your family hasn't been big on the deep communication side of things, but you can't conceal such problems from your parents - trust me, they noticed and they were worried. I would encourage you to look at this as a good development. If you do in fact have schizophrenia, then it needs to be treated - along with whatever other issues you have. But just knowing what the problem is will be very empowering for you and for your parents. It won't be inexplicable misery anymore - there are things you can do, medications you can take, to get yourself to a much better place. Knowledge is power. There will still be a lot of work to get to know yourself properly and manage your condition, but it can be done. You can do this. You've just got to take a never-give-up attitude and look for ways to feel satisfaction in your life. And yes, find a counsellor who can stick with you for the long haul - it can be very difficult to lose a trusted therapist. I wish you the very best of luck. Keeping posting here if it helps. There are lot of great and understanding people in this thread.

I appreciate the reply and words of wisdom.
I have probably been a bit of a hassle to be around the last few days, being short tempered with my parents and what not, but your words do put things into perspective.
I'm not the first to face these issues and I certainly won't be the last. Plenty have people have got through this and * it, I'm going to do everything I can to be one of.
I had a talk on the phone with the new clinic ill likely be changing to and have a consultation booked for early next week. I'll go from there.
I'm going to try start get the ball rolling on moving to a uni closer to home, so baby steps at the moment, but steps never the less.

You're a great person for constantly providing this support for people on here, it takes a special sort of character to do that.

 

[Ando727]

I appreciate the reply and words of wisdom.
I have probably been a bit of a hassle to be around the last few days, being short tempered with my parents and what not, but your words do put things into perspective.
I'm not the first to face these issues and I certainly won't be the last. Plenty have people have got through this and **** it, I'm going to do everything I can to be one of.
I had a talk on the phone with the new clinic ill likely be changing to and have a consultation booked for early next week. I'll go from there.
I'm going to try start get the ball rolling on moving to a uni closer to home, so baby steps at the moment, but steps never the less.

You're a great person for constantly providing this support for people on here, it takes a special sort of character to do that.

Hey man, it's no biggie. I just look at it as paying forward all the knowledge I've picked up along the way in my life. I'd be very selfish not to pass it on to those who need it. I'm aware that so many people out there are suffering more than they need to and a big part of that is feeling isolated and unworthy. So I always try to let people know that they are not alone, they're worth it, and I'm happy to be there for them.

Anyway, I like your "**** it" attitude! That will get you a long way. Your steps sound good to me. My grandmother had schizophrenia and she had it in a time when it was poorly understood so it was a hard life for her and confusing for us, her family. A good friend of mine also has it, and he has it under pretty tight control - and he's doing really well. It's not always an easy thing to live with, but it can be managed and you can live a full life.

 

[Randomizor]

Just wanted to note my appreciation for this thread. Keep it up with the stories and advice, it's really been helpful

 

[Randomizor]

For anyone who doesnt understand what anxiety is or how difficult it is to endure, this guy's tedx talk explains it brilliantly.

That was excellent. Thank you.

 

[Gone Critical]

Im terrified for the future. I'll likely leave Uni and I can't see myself finding a job due to my anxiety. I'll be with my parents for at least another year feeling as if i am being a drain.

This isn't a happy story, so far.

Thanks for anyone who managed to read this incredibly long post off a kid wallowing in his own misery, it's greatly apreacciated and I hope you are doing well also.

Really important to know you have a future. Don't stress too much if life doesn't lead you down the path your 19 yo mind sees as the way to go. None of us really end up exactly where we thought we would. This can be a good story. Doesn't have to be all sad or all happy, we all balance those 2 visitors.

You are not wallowing. As a parent I can tell you feelings are rarely aligned with what they may seem on the surface. Parents are allowed to feel spent at times or exasperated. But underneath it all we would do anything it takes. Sometimes communication is missing and you may think your folks feel you are a drain. That's unlikely, I know I always want to know what's really going on, if I do I can be involved. Let them be involved , don't prejudge how they may feel cause it's more than likely if they know how tough things are all they will want to do is help. Also allow that their help may not be always what you think you need. Remember compromise, sometimes there is a really big middle ground between what you think you need and what they are offering. Don't jump to conclusions too soon. Good luck.

 

[Lithium]

Really important to know you have a future. Don't stress too much if life doesn't lead you down the path your 19 yo mind sees as the way to go. None of us really end up exactly where we thought we would. This can be a good story. Doesn't have to be all sad or all happy, we all balance those 2 visitors.

You are not wallowing. As a parent I can tell you feelings are rarely aligned with what they may seem on the surface. Parents are allowed to feel spent at times or exasperated. But underneath it all we would do anything it takes. Sometimes communication is missing and you may think your folks feel you are a drain. That's unlikely, I know I always want to know what's really going on, if I do I can be involved. Let them be involved , don't prejudge how they may feel cause it's more than likely if they know how tough things are all they will want to do is help. Also allow that their help may not be always what you think you need. Remember compromise, sometimes there is a really big middle ground between what you think you need and what they are offering. Don't jump to conclusions too soon. Good luck.

I appreciate this.
The last few days I have laid it all out there for more parents to see. Drug use, impulsive behaviour, suicidal ideations, all of that and more. They met with my psychiatrist and are now aware of my diagnoses and how we are going fourth with treating them. They were upset, but you were right, they wen't angry and have made it clear that they want nothing other than me to get better.

I had a slight set back yesterday with one of my favourite musicians taking their life which with my current situation hurt quite a bit, but it also put things into perspective, i don't want to make a rash decision and hurt those who clearly do care for me.

Im sure I'm still going to provide a fair amount of trouble for them but as of right now I'm going to give it everything I have got. Working on taking small steps like trying to find some work will be where I'm going to start.

I really do appreciate the comments and advice people have given. Sometimes I feel as if I'm loosing control and there is now way out, but knowing that so many people have come out the other side really does help.

 

[Ando727]

I had a slight set back yesterday with one of my favourite musicians taking their life which with my current situation hurt quite a bit, but it also put things into perspective, i don't want to make a rash decision and hurt those who clearly do care for me.

You talking about Fergus Miller? That was really sad. It does hurt when beloved musicians die - they have a huge impact on our emotional worlds.