Resource Depression/Anxiety the silent killers - everyday is RUOK day. #SpeakUpStayChatTy

Val Keating

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 27, 2017
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Hi all

Came in here a few months back getting a few things off my chest and just wanted to say thanks for the kind messages back then, things have for the most part got back on track for me. It was really appreciated at the time and with a bit of time and perspective very much appreciated now.

There is one thing I want to share. Today I had a good friend end our friendship. In recent times out friendship certainly has gotten messy and it's taken a toll on both of us. I'll be ok that it is done, and for a few reasons it's probably a positive as we were certainly not getting the best out of each other. I'm numb and hurting a bit, but know I'll be ok. I've got other mates and my family and they've all been fantastic. I fully accept that I've said and done things that have made it get to this point, and I owned them and apologised for them. Also concede that it doesn't make everything all better, but it's a start.

The thing from my perspective is that I want to share is that for anyone looking for help is that it's ok to get that help. Whatever form that help is, it's fine to ask, seek it, consider it or look at it. And it's ok for that help to be a continual work-in-progress. One of several things where our friendship hit a wall is that they're having a very rough time for a number of reasons and as much as I want to be there for them, I can't be all the time and honestly I know my actions are not helping with some of their behaviour patterns. I've suggested that they speak to someone which they threw back at me. During our final conversation I apologised for my actions and accepted the hurt I had caused them, but didn't apologise for suggesting they talk to someone and told them the reasons why is because I ******* care. I'm convinced they'll double down and resist it more, but I don't regret saying it.

As they left I asked them to please take care of them self. And meant it.

And if anyone clicking through these is in a dark place, take care of yourself. It's ok to speak up. And I mean it.
How about you brother? Are you ok?
 

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Kangaroos4eva

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All good thanks mate. Probably hit home over the next few days, but I'm ok. Had a chat with a few mates which was good to get off the chest.
Having a core friend/family network is great, especially when you are struggling.

I am glad you are doing well mate.
 

Val Keating

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 27, 2017
7,146
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Slowly building up with the EMDR therapy. Man that cab dredge up some stuff your brain has decided to not deal with. It’s been almost 8 sessions now and we’re finally at the stage of going to the dark places. I’ve learned a few tricks to use to stay calm from this psychologist. It helps. Apparently somewhere along the line my fight & flight instincts got messed up (which I sort of knew already, she’s my 4th Psychologist and I have a regular psychiatrist). Means I’m always on guard, even though there’s nothing happening. I’ve only told a few people and everyone’s reaction is always the same, “but you’re so chilled out, or I don’t get it you’re always so relaxed, or nothing phases you.”

It’s not about how you present yourself it’s whats going on under the surface. Part of my deal is that I don’t want to negatively affect people with my shit. It’s mine.
 

Kangaroos4eva

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Aug 22, 2012
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Slowly building up with the EMDR therapy. Man that cab dredge up some stuff your brain has decided to not deal with. It’s been almost 8 sessions now and we’re finally at the stage of going to the dark places. I’ve learned a few tricks to use to stay calm from this psychologist. It helps. Apparently somewhere along the line my fight & flight instincts got messed up (which I sort of knew already, she’s my 4th Psychologist and I have a regular psychiatrist). Means I’m always on guard, even though there’s nothing happening. I’ve only told a few people and everyone’s reaction is always the same, “but you’re so chilled out, or I don’t get it you’re always so relaxed, or nothing phases you.”

It’s not about how you present yourself it’s whats going on under the surface. Part of my deal is that I don’t want to negatively affect people with my s**t. It’s mine.
Stay strong mate, I know that type of therapy can be hard. Always happy to chat about it if you like.


I recently went through an alternative 'exposure response therapy' for 'Pure O' OCD and it was pure hell.

Pure O OCD is basically like obsessing over really nasty thoughts and having mind-based and behaviour (physical ones) compulsions. For some, it is recurring thoughts of murdering someone close, or the prospects of harming your own kids, etc. The more you fight it, the more you think and obsess about it. You might stop watching a show or doing something in case it triggered and these compulsions just reinforced it. My GP called it anxiety, but it wasn't that and I had it confirmed that it was a form of OCD that I had for over 10 years.

For the therapy, I had to expose myself to stuff that scared the crap out of me and had always terrified me. Embracing the remote, but real possibility, of that bad event occurring by just saying maybe has really helped me after the therapy, but I will always have good and bad days.

So I can OCD to my Aspergers syndrome, cerebral palsy and ADD (who didn't have that last one as a kid). Luck of the draw aye.

Not to make this about me, but I thought I would share my experience. Therapy is a necessary, albeit painful, part of battling our mental health issues.
 

Val Keating

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 27, 2017
7,146
15,397
AFL Club
North Melbourne
Stay strong mate, I know that type of therapy can be hard. Always happy to chat about it if you like.


I recently went through an alternative 'exposure response therapy' for 'Pure O' OCD and it was pure hell.

Pure O OCD is basically like obsessing over really nasty thoughts and having mind-based and behaviour (physical ones) compulsions. For some, it is recurring thoughts of murdering someone close, or the prospects of harming your own kids, etc. The more you fight it, the more you think and obsess about it. You might stop watching a show or doing something in case it triggered and these compulsions just reinforced it. My GP called it anxiety, but it wasn't that and I had it confirmed that it was a form of OCD that I had for over 10 years.

For the therapy, I had to expose myself to stuff that scared the crap out of me and had always terrified me. Embracing the remote, but real possibility, of that bad event occurring by just saying maybe has really helped me after the therapy, but I will always have good and bad days.

So I can OCD to my Aspergers syndrome, cerebral palsy and ADD (who didn't have that last one as a kid). Luck of the draw aye.

Not to make this about me, but I thought I would share my experience. Therapy is a necessary, albeit painful, part of battling our mental health issues.
Thanks bro. That’s pretty heavy stuff you’re dealing with.

One of the hardest things for me is lowering my guard to the psychologist (and people in general tbh), Im always trying to figure them out.

My biggest fear is having a memory implanted, or rather created by the process. My childhood memories are so mixed up I don’t know what’s real or imagined. Nothing that’s happened to me later in life bothers me, example I was glassed and then stabbed in the face when I was in my early 20’s and had a shit load of stitches in my face and neck, that didn’t affect me at all.

Then I have some shit that that (potentially) happened when I was a kid and from that there’s certain things that just set me off. It doesn’t make sense either. Can be a sound, smell, or a certain environment. fu**en weird.

Anyway, everyone has their demons. Just can’t let the campaigners beat us.
 

Sopwiths North

Canadia Roo
Feb 22, 2018
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Stay strong mate, I know that type of therapy can be hard. Always happy to chat about it if you like.


I recently went through an alternative 'exposure response therapy' for 'Pure O' OCD and it was pure hell.

Pure O OCD is basically like obsessing over really nasty thoughts and having mind-based and behaviour (physical ones) compulsions. For some, it is recurring thoughts of murdering someone close, or the prospects of harming your own kids, etc. The more you fight it, the more you think and obsess about it. You might stop watching a show or doing something in case it triggered and these compulsions just reinforced it. My GP called it anxiety, but it wasn't that and I had it confirmed that it was a form of OCD that I had for over 10 years.

For the therapy, I had to expose myself to stuff that scared the crap out of me and had always terrified me. Embracing the remote, but real possibility, of that bad event occurring by just saying maybe has really helped me after the therapy, but I will always have good and bad days.

So I can OCD to my Aspergers syndrome, cerebral palsy and ADD (who didn't have that last one as a kid). Luck of the draw aye.

Not to make this about me, but I thought I would share my experience. Therapy is a necessary, albeit painful, part of battling our mental health issues.
K4E I had no idea you had CP on top of everything else. That's just a crap hand to be dealt.

There's some people on here who are absolute battlers. I wish every single one of you guys all the best thoughts in your progress. Don't ever give up.
 

ferball

Premium Platinum
Jul 24, 2015
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Thanks bro. That’s pretty heavy stuff you’re dealing with.

One of the hardest things for me is lowering my guard to the psychologist (and people in general tbh), Im always trying to figure them out.

My biggest fear is having a memory implanted, or rather created by the process. My childhood memories are so mixed up I don’t know what’s real or imagined. Nothing that’s happened to me later in life bothers me, example I was glassed and then stabbed in the face when I was in my early 20’s and had a s**t load of stitches in my face and neck, that didn’t affect me at all.

Then I have some s**t that that (potentially) happened when I was a kid and from that there’s certain things that just set me off. It doesn’t make sense either. Can be a sound, smell, or a certain environment. fu**en weird.

Anyway, everyone has their demons. Just can’t let the campaigners beat us.
Memories do anchor themselves in your body. Its controversial (and maybe "discredited" but it won't be forever) but Willhelm Reich and "body armouring". Its got some potential pseudoscience (if you consider Chi energy or reich's version "orgone" as pseudoscience) but basically if you store tension in your body then it can be triggered by smells sounds or movement.

Sometimes people repress emotion by clenching their teeth, shoulders or chest (for example.) You see people walking around with their upper body held rigidly and strongly. They are usually "tough" people who don't cry etc.

I doubt you'll have "false" memories implanted with associated severe body tension.

Of course I may be wrong but its worth keeping in mind and observing your own behaviour and what your body does in terms of tensing up when you think or talk about this stuff.

Self awareness is always the first step to dealing with anything.
 

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Val Keating

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 27, 2017
7,146
15,397
AFL Club
North Melbourne
Memories do anchor themselves in your body. Its controversial (and maybe "discredited" but it won't be forever) but Willhelm Reich and "body armouring". Its got some potential pseudoscience (if you consider Chi energy or reich's version "orgone" as pseudoscience) but basically if you store tension in your body then it can be triggered by smells sounds or movement.

Sometimes people repress emotion by clenching their teeth, shoulders or chest (for example.) You see people walking around with their upper body held rigidly and strongly. They are usually "tough" people who don't cry etc.

I doubt you'll have "false" memories implanted with associated severe body tension.

Of course I may be wrong but its worth keeping in mind and observing your own behaviour and what your body does in terms of tensing up when you think or talk about this stuff.

Self awareness is always the first step to dealing with anything.
I struggle with self awareness, that’s something I’ve been working on. It’s probably why I’m not good at identifying/understanding my triggers. Regarding the body stuff, exercise would be the best way way to keep that under control imo. The best I’ve ever felt mentally and physically was when I was training. That’s a bit of a no brainer really.
 

ferball

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Jul 24, 2015
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The hard thing about when someone who’s been public about their battle dies is the feeling that the fu**en thing doesn’t go away.
Its hard to avoid the thought that "this bastard will get me eventually too".

Although in some ways that thought itself is a trap. If we can force ourself not to think along those lines it helps I reckon.
 

ferball

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Jul 24, 2015
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I struggle with self awareness, that’s something I’ve been working on. It’s probably why I’m not good at identifying/understanding my triggers. Regarding the body stuff, exercise would be the best way way to keep that under control imo. The best I’ve ever felt mentally and physically was when I was training. That’s a bit of a no brainer really.
I'm actually talking about things like meditation and yoga and ... well t'ai Chi Chuan. If you can find a teacher who knows how to integrate the actual fighting techniques of the older Tai chi styles that could help with your historical training associated well being. Training is a great thing.

But I'm really talking about self awareness - it can be painful and difficult tho.

Like ... spend half an hour concentrating on your arms or your legs or internal organs. Instead of being "conscious" from behind your eyes where most of us spend most of our waking lives try to "move your consciousness" around your body and be aware of it. What does your hand feel like if you are "in it". You did alot of boxing yeah? So what does your arm feel like from its POV when you throw a good (fast, effective with no tells or give aways) punch?

I dunno if I'm explaining this correctly or not. Its a hard concept to get your head around.
 

Val Keating

Norm Smith Medallist
Dec 27, 2017
7,146
15,397
AFL Club
North Melbourne
Its hard to avoid the thought that "this bastard will get me eventually too".

Although in some ways that thought itself is a trap. If we can force ourself not to think along those lines it helps I reckon.
Very hard. Feels like it always always gets you in the end. I get really mad at people that are public champions for staying strong giving up the fight. I know that’s not fair but I can’t help it.
 

ferball

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Very hard. Feels like it always always gets you in the end. I get really mad at people that are public champions for staying strong giving up the fight. I know that’s not fair but I can’t help it.
Its understandable tho.

Its not an easy thing to deal with.

I think its really hard to deal with reality when life crashes into you and smashes the fu** out of your resilience and ability to see some sort of hope in the world and the future. Its a temporary thing but it only has to be temporary if you're driving your car, by yourself and it hits and you genuinely think you can't get out of it again or that it'll never go away. Its also permanent in that it'll always be there in some form coming back at you to take away the things you need to stay strong and get some enjoyment and meaning out of life.

The best thing I find for me is to get angry with it and go "fu** you". And leave it at that.

And cultivate a healthy fear of death.

What if death isn't a way out and just makes this shit worse?
 

DarkPhoenix

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So on R U OK day, I'm really not okay.

My nan's health has taken a nosedive over the last month or so. Normally a 92 yr old that most mistake for a woman in her 60s, such is her mobility and attitude.

Ended up in hospital a month ago after having a fall, but hospital found nothing and discharged her a day later.

Ended up back in hospital a week later incredibly weak and dehydrated. Spent a week in hospital and seemed to be getting better.
We convinced her to go into respite care until she strengthened up, as she lived at home alone and refused to go into a retirement home.

She begrudgingly agreed. Fast forward a week and shes barely comprehensible when talking to her and rasping breath.

I got a call today saying she had been taken into hospital and that they wanted us to come in and speak with a surgeon.

They scanned her abdomen and found that she had a blocked artery around her bowel and that it had gone gangrenous. They've given her a couple of days at best to live.

I said that of course it would take something as bad as that to knock nan over, she's always been the strongest of us, barely ever sick, and would give the world to another person just to see them happy. And that kindness and love is exactly why it's so unfair that this is the thing that is with her in her final days. She doesn't deserve such a painful end.

And what's worse, is through her illness she lost some of her mental faculties, couldn't track time or remember things that had happened around her.
My mum had been incredibly sick with bronchitis, to the point of having to go to hospital because she couldn't breathe at all. As I had been around her I couldn't visit nan as I didn't want to risk passing it on, in case it killed her.

Now, one of the last things I'll ever hear that my nan said about me was talking to her niece and saying I hadn't even visited, although she had been told why I couldn't. It breaks my heart, and I feel so guilty for it. If I'd known there was so little time I would have found a way so she knew I was there.
 

LuvtheKangas

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Update: Nan passed away this morning :'(
Sorry for your loss, mate.

Now it's time to celebrate her (very) long innings and the relationship you had with her. Any regrets that you have in relation to her final days are trivial in the context of your lifetime together.
 

blackshadow

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Sorry for your loss, mate.

Now it's time to celebrate her (very) long innings and the relationship you had with her. Any regrets that you have in relation to her final days are trivial in the context of your lifetime together.
I couldn't have put it better.


Hang in there DP and celebrate her life. Sounds like she was a wonderful lady.
 

Egga

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Nov 10, 2009
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Update: Nan passed away this morning :'(
Really sorry for your loss mate and thanks for sharing your story.

The way you described your nan makes me think that her love of life and other people is what kept her young at heart and energised for all those years.

In fact, your nan’s story sounds a bit like my old man’s in the way she was bullet proof until becoming inexplicably sick and then passing on all too quickly.

One difference between your nan and my old man is that I went and saw my dad in hospital despite the fact that I had a pretty bad cold and so I’ll go through the rest of my life wondering whether I was the one who gave him the virus that ultimately ended his life. I’m glad you were smart enough and selfless enough to spare you and your nan that.

Death is like bad AFL umpiring - it is sh!t and unfair, but unfortunately pretty f***king inevitable. It leaves the very best of us wondering if we could have given more during the game to change an outcome that was ultimately outside of our control.

Most people couldn’t give a rats about their crusty old nanna, but it’s pretty darn obvious from your post that your nan got many years of love and joy outa you and no maggot of self-doubt can take take away that truth.
 

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