Health Depression

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Run n Spread

Brownlow Medallist
Apr 2, 2013
10,836
12,586
AFL Club
Collingwood
It’s not fixable once you made the mistake. You gotta live with that decision forever. I do keep rolling on but I’m over it.
Yeah true. Just roll on.
What I'm trying to do. s**t has hit the fan yet again but got to for me anyway methodically work through a solution.
 

Run n Spread

Brownlow Medallist
Apr 2, 2013
10,836
12,586
AFL Club
Collingwood
I question myself at times.
And I honestly don't know why I feel this way or why the world is what it is.
Personally am sick of it.
I hate the world. But things will get better have faith.
 

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Run n Spread

Brownlow Medallist
Apr 2, 2013
10,836
12,586
AFL Club
Collingwood
How the * is it you can have the perfect day. Everything goes right yet you still feel like s**t? I think I'm just exhausted. I've bitten off way more than I can chew.
Sick and tired of feeling sad.
 

Sausages

HIGH PRIEST IN THE TEMPLE OF GG/SNSD
Feb 27, 2007
5,752
8,281
space
AFL Club
Brisbane Lions
Other Teams
Luton Town
G'day all,

Been a while since I last touched base here - took a break off BF for a while as part of that time. Had my usual, predictable cycles of darkness and pain, self-harm, moments of joy, remorseless cyclical thinking, the movie reel of suicidal images.....but I'm still truckin', grinding out the days with a dogged persistence that defies logic.

In January, something happened. I'm not sure what, but as I sat at my computer and stared at the big blue room outside, the one I fear to step into for any great length of time, I had an epiphany.

I realised, and it's not terribly insightful, that at age 51, unable to work since 44, living alone for the past 5 years....I was just waiting to die. Not through my own hand, just life was slowly killing me. I wasn't living. I was just waiting to die.

And I couldn't do that anymore. To live with depression is to live with a hope-eater. And you have to keep manufacturing that hope every day, because it all gets eaten up. And I had run out of hope. The sun was shining, but all I could see was the endless darkness of my hopes and dreams being gnawed at by the dogs of the mind.

So, I did something totally unpredictable. I listed my house for sale.

I then began selling EVERYTHING...I MEAN EVERYTHING....that I owned. What I didn't sell, I chucked into a skip. I emptied my house of everything, except for 1 bed, 1 desk, 1 chair, 1 computer, 1 plate, 1 bowl, 1 knife, 1 fork, 1 spoon, 1 teaspoon, 1 chef's knife, 1 ladle, 1 toaster, 1 kettle, 1 coffee pot, 1 mug, 1 glass, 1 frypan and 1 microwave. I converted my wardrobe of clothes that no longer fit me to 3 pairs of shorts, 3 t-shirts and 1 pair of boots.

Other than those things, my house was empty. I began to live again.

I decided that I was just gonna take the sale money of my house and car and travel. For as long as the money lasts.

Fast forward to now, and I have a signed contract of sale on my house, settlement in 45 days. My Hilux is going to mate, sold at mates rates for 10k. I will be leaving Australia sometime in mid-June with around 390k in the bank.

My life will be converted into a backpack and a laptop. I will own nothing else. I WANT nothing else.

I don't care that one day, I will return to these shores, largely broke and with nowhere to live - that's years from now...and I have lived much of these past 20 years with that black dog eating up my hopes and dreams, "years from now" hopes and dreams, the kind that you work towards....the ones that give life meaning. Always getting eaten.

Well, no more. I cannot, will not, live like that anymore. Emptying my life of everything, and giving it room to fill up again has seen that black dog starved for something to eat. Living just in THIS moment, no longer haunted by hopes and dreams being eaten...for I have none anymore.

I just have a path, that I will walk alone, one foot in front of the other. Oh, I'll see that dog again...there is nothing more certain. And he'll be ravenous. And I'll confront him in a cheap AirBnB somewhere, or a hostel, or in a grubby hotel room.....and we'll fight and struggle as we always have. But I have something now, that I didn't have before.....a future. Not one that I dream of, because dreams just feed that mongrel dog....but one that I WAKE UP INTO EVERY DAY.

I have my scars, the ones I have cut into my body and the ones I have carved into my psyche. I will still keep them hidden from people, I have no plans to make friends and meet people. I will just ghost through places, gaining impetus with each new place visited, with each night lived abroad....and one day, the motion will stop and I'll look around and be somewhere I could never have imagined.

And maybe, just maybe, I will realise that I am living again and not just waiting to die.


Footnote - my father, my sister and my psychiatrist all think this a fantastic plan, and I'll be continuing my quarterly FaceTime consults with my psychiatrist, because hey....everywhere I plan to go has wi-fi, so it just means doing the session at 1AM rather than 1PM. And the medications I am on are all ok too...although not for everywhere, but certainly for all the places I have any interest in traveling to.
 

Lethality

Most successful team in your lifetime
Suspended
Oct 23, 2014
36,842
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Hawthorn
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Melbourne Hawks, NY Rangers
I'm probably experiencing some delayed depression after my dad told me I'm not welcome at his place anymore. He has always been a difficult character so initially I thought it was just that, but then I began thinking about what a loser I am and how nobody likes me. Also I've been flat for the last month or so after some stress at work.
 

Lethality

Most successful team in your lifetime
Suspended
Oct 23, 2014
36,842
42,661
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Other Teams
Melbourne Hawks, NY Rangers
There would be benefits to not having contact with my dad. He's quite toxic. Casual verbal put-downs these days mostly.
 

Gameova_

Norm Smith Medallist
Mar 16, 2011
6,547
6,694
Melbourne
AFL Club
North Melbourne
Well I'm on two anti depressants Lexapro and deptran. Deptran I use for sleep and have for a few years and Lexapro I've started to use lately.

Doctor and my nurse at my clinic think I've stopped deptran as they told me there is a risk for seratonin syndrome. Still taking deptran at night and taking a lot sometimes six 25mg tablets like last night. On average I'm taking 3 a night.

Life is ugly and ducked up. Slow suicide? Most days I hope so.

Did sweat last night which is a symptom of seratonin syndrome.
 
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Perth gal

Premiership Player
Oct 19, 2015
4,817
4,569
AFL Club
West Coast
I'm probably experiencing some delayed depression after my dad told me I'm not welcome at his place anymore. He has always been a difficult character so initially I thought it was just that, but then I began thinking about what a loser I am and how nobody likes me. Also I've been flat for the last month or so after some stress at work.
You’re not a loser .
 

revo333

Premiership Player
Jan 7, 2018
4,805
4,080
AFL Club
Western Bulldogs
Footnote - my father, my sister and my psychiatrist all think this a fantastic plan, and I'll be continuing my quarterly FaceTime consults with my psychiatrist, because hey....everywhere I plan to go has wi-fi, so it just means doing the session at 1AM rather than 1PM. And the medications I am on are all ok too...although not for everywhere, but certainly for all the places I have any interest in traveling to.

Glad to hear you have their support.

I have a dream of doing something similar in the future, leave Australia with 50-60K and travel no with plans or schedule until the money runs out.
 

Lethality

Most successful team in your lifetime
Suspended
Oct 23, 2014
36,842
42,661
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Other Teams
Melbourne Hawks, NY Rangers
I put on some music to try and get myself going. The goal is to do some housework because that gives me a natural high at times.

 

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tangolikelama

Brownlow Medallist
Jan 21, 2013
10,078
21,874
AFL Club
Port Adelaide
In a weird spot. Not feeling the weight of depression of late but just feel incredibly numb. Days and weeks slipping by with nothing to really show for it. Struggling to see the point of it all. Thinking I need to shake things up without being destructive.
 

Electronic_Renaissance

I ain't sayin' nothin'!
Mar 25, 2021
3,028
6,852
Omnipresent
AFL Club
Fremantle
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Las Vegas Bears, Perth Scorchers
In a weird spot. Not feeling the weight of depression of late but just feel incredibly numb. Days and weeks slipping by with nothing to really show for it. Struggling to see the point of it all. Thinking I need to shake things up without being destructive.
I find COVID has done that for me. The last two years just seem like mush. No real memories because of all the lockdowns etc.
 

Run n Spread

Brownlow Medallist
Apr 2, 2013
10,836
12,586
AFL Club
Collingwood
Bad bad bad last few weeks. All I want to say. Can't be bothered pontificating.
I'm nearly 40 and if I could snap my fingers and be happy it would be great.
I know most people don't think depression exists.and that's fine.
But it does. I'd have ******* loved to not nearly kill myself overdosing nor get upset over the slightest things.
But it is what it is.
Anyway just a rant. Just been off the last week but this is the only place (one of the few left)anyone can be honest.
 

Caesar

Ex-Huckleberry
Mar 3, 2005
28,176
14,012
Tombstone, AZ
AFL Club
Western Bulldogs
I know most people don't think depression exists.and that's fine.
I don’t think that’s true. Mental illness affects 45% of the population at some point in their lifetime, most people have experience with depression and anxiety (either first hand or through someone close to them)

In my experience people are pretty understanding and supportive of depression sufferers as long as they’re making a visible effort to move forward and manage it
 

Run n Spread

Brownlow Medallist
Apr 2, 2013
10,836
12,586
AFL Club
Collingwood
I don’t think that’s true. Mental illness affects 45% of the population at some point in their lifetime, most people have experience with depression and anxiety (either first hand or through someone close to them)

In my experience people are pretty understanding and supportive of depression sufferers as long as they’re making a visible effort to move forward and manage it
Not in my experience. Anyway I don't think it even matters really. It is what it is.
I'm pretty much done with doctors, psychologists etc anyway. Just have to figure out a way of living that best fits
 

Caesar

Ex-Huckleberry
Mar 3, 2005
28,176
14,012
Tombstone, AZ
AFL Club
Western Bulldogs
Not in my experience. Anyway I don't think it even matters really. It is what it is.
I'm pretty much done with doctors, psychologists etc anyway. Just have to figure out a way of living that best fits
It’s a hard slog but I’d encourage you to keep working at it - going to the appointments, taking the medication, holding yourself accountable for following the advice and doing the right things

If you refuse treatment, you will push your friends and loved ones away
 

Run n Spread

Brownlow Medallist
Apr 2, 2013
10,836
12,586
AFL Club
Collingwood
It’s a hard slog but I’d encourage you to keep working at it - going to the appointments, taking the medication, holding yourself accountable for following the advice and doing the right things

If you refuse treatment, you will push your friends and loved ones away
This is true. Also from here on in
I will need to be very strategic and careful how I live my life and come to an acceptance of it. Certain things are just too much for me add in I'll never really function "normally" or by the majority way of doing things. I just don't relate to others or the world that way.
Eventually for example I'll have to leave my job and figure a way of getting by. Working for others just doesn't work neither do 40-55 hour weeks. It will end up killing or destroying me.
Issue is what treatment. A GP will give you anti ds psychology is just hit and miss and beyond that there isn't much else.
 

Caesar

Ex-Huckleberry
Mar 3, 2005
28,176
14,012
Tombstone, AZ
AFL Club
Western Bulldogs
This is true. Also from here on in
I will need to be very strategic and careful how I live my life and come to an acceptance of it. Certain things are just too much for me add in I'll never really function "normally" or by the majority way of doing things. I just don't relate to others or the world that way.
Eventually for example I'll have to leave my job and figure a way of getting by. Working for others just doesn't work neither do 40-55 hour weeks. It will end up killing or destroying me.
Issue is what treatment. A GP will give you anti ds psychology is just hit and miss and beyond that there isn't much else.
The trick is to keep trying. If you can find the right antidepressant and the right psychologist, it gives you that little bit of support to break the spiral and start making and acting on good decisions. Once you start making good decisions they become self-reinforcing and you end up in a virtuous circle. People see you making progress and they become more supportive and helpful.

There were times where I believed a lot of what you believed - I couldn't function normally, I couldn't handle a fulltime job or study, I couldn't maintain a relationship, I wasn't cut out for the pressure of senior organisational roles. In retrospect it was entirely a function of where I was than who I was. You're clearly a smart guy and have a lot to offer - with perseverance and support I am sure you will get there.
 

Run n Spread

Brownlow Medallist
Apr 2, 2013
10,836
12,586
AFL Club
Collingwood
Just wanna jump in front of a tram
Read your post above on seratonian syndrome. Make sure it's nothing to do with that acting up.
Look it's hard to know what to say cos I'm in the midst of a sort of crisis myself.
I don't know what your circumstances are but try and reflect see what's kind of triggering and maybe planning a solution would help.
I'm trying to do the same and think like a puzzle.
It is s**t but don't know what else
 

Madas

Premiership Player
Aug 16, 2020
3,100
4,137
AFL Club
Fremantle
Just wanna jump in front of a tram
If there is anyone on this earth that you love or even care for don’t do it for their sakes as much as yours
I’ve lost people this way and it’s a horrible and finite thing to be left on earth trying to deal with
I don’t know what else to say , in my 51 years alive I’ve been at that point a few times but I’m still here and very glad of it .
Hang in there 👊
 

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