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Health Depression

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Neese said:
Hang in there people.
Do one thing you enjoy doing.
Be kind to yourself.

Mother's Day hit me hard and I looked at all my photos of her and wallowed for a bit. My cat checked if I was OK.
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Cats FTMFW

Came close this last week. Still here.

I refuse to give up.

What doesn’t help is the endless justification you are required to present to validate your reality. JFC if we could just acknowledge that multi-departmental sharing of information would assist immeasurably for some (not all) of those with mental health concerns, that would rock.

Nevertheless, I dropped in to share just a small snippet of personal history.

Consider 3 brothers. Big. Middle. Little.

We can eschew Little here, for this time. Big and Middle is who I’ll discuss.

Middle is my father. Big was thus my uncle.

Big was a primary school teacher. As an infant, say up to age 6, I apparently loved Big. I would spend weekends there and he would take me places; I’ve been told I spent a lot of time with him. He lived with my grandmother (his mother).

In the mid/late 80’s, Big had retired to a boat, sailing off the coast of AUS.

He was confronted one day on his boat by police officers. They wished to discuss child sex offences. Big was happy to discuss and asked to go below decks to grab his ID.

He went downstairs and ate a shotgun.

In the aftermath, Middle (my father) instructed me to say nothing to anybody and to advise him (so that the lawyer could be present).

At no time was any possible interaction with my infant self discussed or even broached.

4 years prior to that occasion, I had started high school. One of my early mates happened to have graduated from the same primary school that Big taught at….and in the jocular manner of young blokes at high school jokingly questioned if I knew that Big was a diddler. I of course had no knowledge.

I’m not a father.

But I have wondered over the years what I would have done, were I my father.

Secrets and lies.
 
SeaOfFire said:
Cats FTMFW

Came close this last week. Still here.

I refuse to give up.

What doesn’t help is the endless justification you are required to present to validate your reality. JFC if we could just acknowledge that multi-departmental sharing of information would assist immeasurably for some (not all) of those with mental health concerns, that would rock.

Nevertheless, I dropped in to share just a small snippet of personal history.

Consider 3 brothers. Big. Middle. Little.

We can eschew Little here, for this time. Big and Middle is who I’ll discuss.

Middle is my father. Big was thus my uncle.

Big was a primary school teacher. As an infant, say up to age 6, I apparently loved Big. I would spend weekends there and he would take me places; I’ve been told I spent a lot of time with him. He lived with my grandmother (his mother).

In the mid/late 80’s, Big had retired to a boat, sailing off the coast of AUS.

He was confronted one day on his boat by police officers. They wished to discuss child sex offences. Big was happy to discuss and asked to go below decks to grab his ID.

He went downstairs and ate a shotgun.

In the aftermath, Middle (my father) instructed me to say nothing to anybody and to advise him (so that the lawyer could be present).

At no time was any possible interaction with my infant self discussed or even broached.

4 years prior to that occasion, I had started high school. One of my early mates happened to have graduated from the same primary school that Big taught at….and in the jocular manner of young blokes at high school jokingly questioned if I knew that Big was a diddler. I of course had no knowledge.

I’m not a father.

But I have wondered over the years what I would have done, were I my father.

Secrets and lies.
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I would go to jail if someone touched my child! Period
 
DemurePrincess said:
I would go to jail if someone touched my child! Period
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Thanks mate.

I have no memory of anything and it of course was never investigated further, afaik.

But **** me….to be 14/15 years old and being hit with a combo of the cone of silence and a ban hammer from your father….

I haven’t seen him in years and if I did, it wouldn’t be pretty.

campaigner can DIAF just for that, but naturally there’s more.

Where I’m at, with my life, is realising I carry skeletons in the closet.

Now, I’m happy to have mine. MINE. THINGS I DID.

But I’ve come to accept (this is AFTER realising) that I carry a whole bunch of skeletons FOR OTHER PEOPLE THAT DON’T BELONG TO ME.

So,now it’s time for payback.

**** that shit. I’ve got a life full of shit that I carry, that isn’t mine, and has ****ing ruined my life.

Why?

To keep the peace.
To not make waves.
To fall in line.

Nah. No more.

Letting it go
 

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Neese said:
Whoa. That's very full on.
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Yeah. It’s ****ed dude. I probs should spoiler it, but I leave that to the mods, I’ve self censored for 35 years.

And yep, maybe I’m “over-sharing”.

**** off. That’s a bourgeois euphemism for IDC or “We don’t need to know”

Both of which serve to muzzle people.

**** that shit.

I’ve done bad shit in my life and I have owned it. Because that’s the only way I don’t let the knife loose on myself.

But I’m ****ed if I will carry shit that was visited upon me and stay silent. I can’t process someone else’s shit. I’m not responsible for it.

So they can carry the can.

**** ‘em all. They made their choice.
 
It's not over sharing, share as much as you like

Silence/sweeping it under the rug is awful and helps no one

I'm so sorry for anyone victims of abuse. It makes me ****ing furious and don't even get me started on our legal system.

I will not shut up about it if I do, we are disgraceful and should be ashamed (of it)
 
Thanks all.

I’m going somewhere with this.

I don’t mean recompense, justice, satisfaction, restitution.

I mean for young people.

This world is full of shit. It is.

Tate. Trump. Musk….et al. There’s ZILLIONS after that. I use those for context.

We live in an era of cognitive dissonance.

Hence, knowing who YOU are helps.

But that’s a campaigner of a thing. I wouldn’t want to be 10/15/20 years old today.

Lots of people say, random convos, family dinners etc, “it was better….”

Nah.

If men cannot understand and accept how good it is to have women in charge, fight me.

Seriously.

Fight me.

IDC who you are, or what you know, or how tough you are…..

In a proper, well-balanced society, chicks in charge is better.

If you read this and your MANOSPHERE sensors get TRIGGERED…..

You are part of the problem and need help.
 
And if you wonder of the link between my shit, and your (our) lived experience….

Women care about life.
Men care about death.

And if you are making policy from a position of power?

Which one yields a better tomorrow?

That’s why I have to bleed to get help.
 
Shell said:
Hope everyone is ok itt.

Weekends are still tough, I barely leave the house. But work is going along great. My coordinator has approved I go 4 days a week next term, because im just exhausted. I think it will help alot. And I feel like its made a huge difference already, as I'm looking forward to it now. (Still got 6 weeks of T2 left tho)
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That's the thing thou isn't it.
Work can go great to the point it cooks you and you've got absolutely nothing left to enjoy life.
Or you'll find yourself unemployed with the world at your feet but no money.
Or if hopeless the worst of both worlds.
 

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Battling on here. Weekend had good and horrible patches.
Got home from appt this morning and just sat in the car for 20 mins. Couldn't hold a thought together, didn't want to move, had no feeling about anything except bone-deep weariness. Takes so much out of me to barely function and I hardly care about anything else. There's always something or someone that I can prioritise so it's easier to do that than put more effort into myself.
 
HomerThompson said:
Battling on here. Weekend had good and horrible patches.
Got home from appt this morning and just sat in the car for 20 mins. Couldn't hold a thought together, didn't want to move, had no feeling about anything except bone-deep weariness. Takes so much out of me to barely function and I hardly care about anything else. There's always something or someone that I can prioritise so it's easier to do that than put more effort into myself.
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I feel this so much mate! I’m not even going to attempt to give you advice. I can only offer a virtual hug 🫂 bc I don’t have any energy for much more
 
I can only offer thoughts and reflections from my lived experience.

If you’re struggling, see a GP and get a referral, ideally to a psychiatrist.

If you are happy to talk to someone, add in a psychologist or good therapist.

Try to think about things that motivate you. I’m not talking about feeling happy, I’m talking about what gets you moving. That may be something from your past. A job, a function WITHIN a job, a hobby, a relaxing ‘thing’ , anything from your life. Once you have something, think about WHY it made you satisfied. You can’t usually recreate the past, but it can serve to understand a change from then to now. Or, if still in the now, how that thing is different to the other things.

Wade through Services Australia/Centrelink for any financial or other government benefits. That (for me) is triggering but I understand why so I can manage it periodically. If you can, hit it up.

Always reach out, to anyone. Support networks are a cornerstone of good mental health. If you have some, use them as best you can. A random word, or conversation, can unlock a new way of interpreting how you are feeling.

And please, don’t take advice off google/social media etc without first considering the implications. That naturally goes for here too.

Just this morning, I messaged 2 long term friends who are aware of my current struggles and who usually offer advice. They needed clarity about what effect that has on me. So even people who know you well can sometimes hinder and not help. They mean well etc but the critical thing is people speak from within their value systems and that can become problematic.

Above all, keep an open mind. The world we live in is one that values certainty and being proven right - neither of which have universal application.

To paraphrase some philosophy, an empty cup holds more than one full to the brim. And further, we build a house not just to keep things out, but to let things in.

The solutions are within your grasp. But finding them is obviously the key and they might not be what you think they are and you may need to make changes in your life. Be open to this.

Peace.
 

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So the first of the medical reports have filtered in. I was on the DSP from 2014-2022 but after coming off it had to reapply. Also got a TPD payout in 2014, and have to submit a new claim for that with my new super fund (no insurance this time due pre-existing condition).

But, in black and white:

“Treatment resistant to all available therapies and medications”

“Total and permanent impairment”

I’ve known this for 10 years, so it’s no shock - and it’s why when some well-meaning person tries to downplay, mitigate or help that I get enraged.

I know what the solution is. My psych knows what the solution is. I just need to make faceless bureaucrats and nameless administrators understand.

That’s the hardest part.
 
I had my first session in 2.5 years and just got everything off my chest - so much better

A lot's happened in the past 2.5 years:
  • Boy turned 18 so I didn't have to pay child support anymore (I haven't seen him since he was 8 - long story)
  • Moved back to VIC and finally bought my own place in a lovely regional area - having lived in Brisbane for 11 years I had forgotten how quiet and peaceful (ahh the serenity) of country life is - best decision ever
  • Keeping social (I didn't do this previously and locked myself away) - I love Karaoke nights at the pub or a nice counter lunch or dinner, love bingo on a Thursday morning and hitting the local swimming pool after and the driving range is 24/7 so that's my favourite venting place if i'm pent up
  • Drive 2.5 hours once a month to see my folks and fam - I've missed out on so much of Mum's cooking!!!!!

Therapist didn't say much at all - did give some nice pointers and plans for the future though now i've settled in having now lived in my own place for 6 months

Take care of yourselves peeps and reach out - someone will take your hand if you let them - find your "happy place" - for me it's the swimming pool (I am a water sign) - look out for your friends as well
 
Something that's been eye opening for me and definitely worth it. I've been starting a mental health chart, along with trying to identify my migraine and alergy triggers. It's hard to say definitivey how much some of the positive progress is a construct of all the work put in and is happening organically, or whether the process is giving me stronger motivation and desire to give things a go such as starting a conversation rather than not.

I've combined all of my metrics across the board into an average here on the chart. Understand that no matter how good you think you're doing, you're always going to screw up and make mistakes, and you're always going to hit the wall from time to time.

I started this out when on day shift and the nights have actually gotten better than the days. It's come about from eliminating facebook and instagram and other stuff and to a lesser extent some timewasting BF stuff, along with gaming and tv in moderation. No alcohol, consistent exercise, and diet. I've lost about 4kg of bodyfat in 5 weeks.

1748491858514.png
 
JHF1870 said:
Something that's been eye opening for me and definitely worth it. I've been starting a mental health chart, along with trying to identify my migraine and alergy triggers. It's hard to say definitivey how much some of the positive progress is a construct of all the work put in and is happening organically, or whether the process is giving me stronger motivation and desire to give things a go such as starting a conversation rather than not.

I've combined all of my metrics across the board into an average here on the chart. Understand that no matter how good you think you're doing, you're always going to screw up and make mistakes, and you're always going to hit the wall from time to time.

I started this out when on day shift and the nights have actually gotten better than the days. It's come about from eliminating facebook and instagram and other stuff and to a lesser extent some timewasting BF stuff, along with gaming and tv in moderation. No alcohol, consistent exercise, and diet. I've lost about 4kg of bodyfat in 5 weeks.

View attachment 2328283
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Top shelf mate, awesome work :thumbsu: :thumbsu:

It's always good to know stuff that will trigger you, or at least what activities wear you down. You're right in saying that we all hit the wall at some point so anything you can do to forewarn yourself (and others, as required) is going to be of great value.

Social media is a cesspool, I stay away from it completely. Alcohol is a hard no (but when I am sick, I get drunk....not just a little drunk but paralytic pass out drunk.....approximately 25-30 standard drinks, its almost 4 bottles of wine....but the few beers at the pub habit, or for the footy, or drinks at a BBQ etc....I can't do those).

It takes a great deal of courage to listen TO yourself ABOUT yourself - shutting out the noise of everyone else is a hard thing to do but absolutely necessary imho.

Thanks for posting btw :)
 
So, the pages in the book of life turn, the words writ large and dark.

Some progress in means has been made, although some caveats are attached, as is ever the case. But, progress is progress and is thankfully received.

I read today this neat article - it's kinda obvious, but collectively we spend almost no time reflecting on this avenue of thinking. I do. But then I'm crazy, dig? Culturally, the idea that we have "advanced" is a total misnomer - we have simply become better at organising and instituting control. Which, whilst "an" advancement, it hardly qualifies society as advanced, if a text from BC can reveal something not simply forgotten, but previously unknown. If you call something right, it immediately births something that is wrong.

I have long said, in random pub conversations in many different places, that our diversity brings us together. Some people needed that explained, others accepted and if not understood, expressed a willingness to just talk about it, if only for the relaxed banter that works at a pub. However, I read another way of expressing the same idea, far more eloquently coined......that to make a cake, you need flour, and eggs, and milk, and......you see what's being said now, yeah? Different things, when combined produce something bigger, new, better.....diversity is key, homogeneity is death. Look at nature ffs lol :D

I sometimes afford myself the luxury of the thought, that I pursue these sorts of lines of enquiry constantly, whether I want to or not because so many other people don't. As an aside, whether I CHOOSE to ACTIVELY think about these things or not, they are constantly being thought of in the background....if you can imagine a window inset, the smaller window playing a different image, as you type words on a page.....you are aware of the image, and if you choose to you can bring it the foreground.....its exactly like that....I have many such windows. That's difficult thinking, to believe such a thing, so luxuries of thought aren't a concept I can be or am familiar with. Such things are food for.....other things. I suspect this is why all the negative connotations around impulsive behaviour form part of my health landscape.

That, to my mind, is a pretty cool way at looking at what I can do, for when shit is bad....that yeah, ok, I'm crazy....but I know I still think and do good things and I can therefore find examples in my life to support that. It doesn't mean the thinking environment that contains those good things is totally good, nor should it (?), it just means that....well, what it says on the box.....ingredients: good things, bad things, crazy things, dumb things.....

Just like making a cake, or society, yeah?

Peace.
 
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