SeaOfFire
Cancelled
- Apr 20, 2024
- 1,018
- 1,790
- AFL Club
- Brisbane Lions
Well.....yeah.
So.
I'm living in Thailand now, with my wife. I'm applying for a 12 month visa (due marriage) to be able to come and go from here as needed.
I am safe, happy, cared for and with people I love and who love me.
I have been assessed by Centrelink as "incapable of doing more than 0-2 hours of work each week"
Which sucks.
People, even Centrelink staff, seem to think the DSP is some kind of holy grail - government staff have, on more than one occasion (I have been on the DSP before), congratulated me on being assessed as disabled and incapable of work......for 1149 AUD each fortnight.
DISABLED.
YOU ARE CONGRATULATING ME FOR BEING DISABLED AND FEELING LIKE A FAILURE AND A STAIN AND A DRAIN ON SOCIETY.
I get it, I understand it, for sure.
But it doesn't change the reality I have to deal with - I am, in the view of government and treating health professionals, unsuitable for earning a wage by my own hand.
But you know what?
Like I say to my psychiatrist, I am not the problem.
This world is the problem.
I don't WANT to be like this. I don't WANT appellations of incapability and unsuitability.
But nobody, NOBODY, can ever understand the rage that comes from being discarded like that. To walk down the street and feel ashamed of your output, your contributions. To feel like you are a card carrying member of the "Failure Club", or the "Modern Life Broke Me" club.
Nah.
**** that.
Society is the problem, not me.
My problem is I see it and feel it and care about it, even to the detriment of myself. Being outside of the world, being invisible, being just another shuffling, shambling hobo.....just someone irrelevant, meaningless, inconsequential......"like a bottle cap or a piece of lint" (credit to Equalizer 1)....when that place is your world, it is very lonely, very dark and very crushing.
But nobody else understands it, unless they have been there at 4AM on a city street and wondering where to sleep and when you can next eat.
Hence.....loneliness.
Because that is what loneliness is - it isn't being alone, in solitude (that's actually really nice and soothing) - it's being in a place with other people, be it a room, or a hall, or a stadium or a world, in which people are unable or unwilling, to understand you without judgement, to accept you as valid without any further justification.
You are an island in a sea of humanity and no matter how much you want otherwise, you will never matter. Your needs, so different from the majority, are rendered immaterial.
YOU JUST WANT TO BELONG.
Belonging to something is a cure for loneliness - hence RWNJ/conspiracists etc - they offer acceptance without judgement, indeed more likely welcome with warmth and shared conviviality. Another illusion - you will be nothing more than a tool in furthering goals for another.
And after all those words, what now?
I still believe. I still hope for peace and happiness. I still want a world of sustenance for all. I still hope for bounty and vittles to attend your door, if not mine. I can wish and hope for a better life for you and your family and do what I can to ensure the world the next generation inherits is a better place than this one.
And because I think that, because I BELIEVE that, because I have lived my whole life like that.....I'm the crazy one.
**** you.
Peace.
So.
I'm living in Thailand now, with my wife. I'm applying for a 12 month visa (due marriage) to be able to come and go from here as needed.
I am safe, happy, cared for and with people I love and who love me.
I have been assessed by Centrelink as "incapable of doing more than 0-2 hours of work each week"
Which sucks.
People, even Centrelink staff, seem to think the DSP is some kind of holy grail - government staff have, on more than one occasion (I have been on the DSP before), congratulated me on being assessed as disabled and incapable of work......for 1149 AUD each fortnight.
DISABLED.
YOU ARE CONGRATULATING ME FOR BEING DISABLED AND FEELING LIKE A FAILURE AND A STAIN AND A DRAIN ON SOCIETY.
I get it, I understand it, for sure.
But it doesn't change the reality I have to deal with - I am, in the view of government and treating health professionals, unsuitable for earning a wage by my own hand.
But you know what?
Like I say to my psychiatrist, I am not the problem.
This world is the problem.
I don't WANT to be like this. I don't WANT appellations of incapability and unsuitability.
But nobody, NOBODY, can ever understand the rage that comes from being discarded like that. To walk down the street and feel ashamed of your output, your contributions. To feel like you are a card carrying member of the "Failure Club", or the "Modern Life Broke Me" club.
Nah.
**** that.
Society is the problem, not me.
My problem is I see it and feel it and care about it, even to the detriment of myself. Being outside of the world, being invisible, being just another shuffling, shambling hobo.....just someone irrelevant, meaningless, inconsequential......"like a bottle cap or a piece of lint" (credit to Equalizer 1)....when that place is your world, it is very lonely, very dark and very crushing.
But nobody else understands it, unless they have been there at 4AM on a city street and wondering where to sleep and when you can next eat.
Hence.....loneliness.
Because that is what loneliness is - it isn't being alone, in solitude (that's actually really nice and soothing) - it's being in a place with other people, be it a room, or a hall, or a stadium or a world, in which people are unable or unwilling, to understand you without judgement, to accept you as valid without any further justification.
You are an island in a sea of humanity and no matter how much you want otherwise, you will never matter. Your needs, so different from the majority, are rendered immaterial.
YOU JUST WANT TO BELONG.
Belonging to something is a cure for loneliness - hence RWNJ/conspiracists etc - they offer acceptance without judgement, indeed more likely welcome with warmth and shared conviviality. Another illusion - you will be nothing more than a tool in furthering goals for another.
And after all those words, what now?
I still believe. I still hope for peace and happiness. I still want a world of sustenance for all. I still hope for bounty and vittles to attend your door, if not mine. I can wish and hope for a better life for you and your family and do what I can to ensure the world the next generation inherits is a better place than this one.
And because I think that, because I BELIEVE that, because I have lived my whole life like that.....I'm the crazy one.
**** you.
Peace.
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