I've pretty much avoided this thread for a while, just because reading alot of the posts can exacerbate depression and it can set you on a spiral of self loathing.
I've had a bad few days, particularly yesterday when I came home from work and had a hard time controlling the tears. My wife noticed despite my best efforts to hide it and asked whether I was still on medication and whether I'd need to see the doctor to maybe increase it. What I really needed at that moment was for her to put her arms around me and give me a hug instead.
I'm feeling very alone, have for a few months.
My salvation is running, I love both trail and road running. It gives me a few hours on my own to escape everything and puts me on a high for a few hours afterwards. Trail running especially, the isolation and being in nature where you can just enjoy the surroundings is a great outlet. The only issue I have is that, like a lot with depression, you feel as though you're not worthy of much and so I push myself to the point of punishment and exhaustion. A long way past what I should be doing. Funnily enough, I'm at the point where if I pushed myself beyond what is reasonable with my running and suffered a heart attack, it doesn't scare me in the least. I have an understanding of why some depression sufferers self-harm, pushing myself to the absolute brink when running is my form of self-harm I guess. Like a lot of runners, I suffer from post-race depression and also when the weather is too bad to run in.
Having depression and hitting middle age, maybe it's like the perfect storm but it's like there are many things I don't give a s**t about anymore except for running.
Sorry for the long post, just needed to get this off my chest this week.
I've had a bad few days, particularly yesterday when I came home from work and had a hard time controlling the tears. My wife noticed despite my best efforts to hide it and asked whether I was still on medication and whether I'd need to see the doctor to maybe increase it. What I really needed at that moment was for her to put her arms around me and give me a hug instead.
I'm feeling very alone, have for a few months.
My salvation is running, I love both trail and road running. It gives me a few hours on my own to escape everything and puts me on a high for a few hours afterwards. Trail running especially, the isolation and being in nature where you can just enjoy the surroundings is a great outlet. The only issue I have is that, like a lot with depression, you feel as though you're not worthy of much and so I push myself to the point of punishment and exhaustion. A long way past what I should be doing. Funnily enough, I'm at the point where if I pushed myself beyond what is reasonable with my running and suffered a heart attack, it doesn't scare me in the least. I have an understanding of why some depression sufferers self-harm, pushing myself to the absolute brink when running is my form of self-harm I guess. Like a lot of runners, I suffer from post-race depression and also when the weather is too bad to run in.
Having depression and hitting middle age, maybe it's like the perfect storm but it's like there are many things I don't give a s**t about anymore except for running.
Sorry for the long post, just needed to get this off my chest this week.