Divorce

[stmookeyj]

I've been a kid who has been exposed to the messy divorce process. Parents were married whilst I was in the mother's womb for about 3 months and were married for close to 12 years. Don't want to know what happened in terms of how it turned sour or who did the dirty on who. All I know is that we (have a sister who is 2 years younger than me) happily went to school on the Friday, yet by the Monday night we were whisked from Central Queensland home to arrive the next Thursday in Darwin via Townsville, Mt.Isa and Katherine. Any thoughts of a holiday (which we were lead to believe was going to happen) were quashed by Monday a fortnight later when we were enrolled in school (and we saw mum's wedding ring pawned off the previous week).

What happened after that was a series of counselling sessions which did little more than get us out of school (although when I think about it the female counsellor we got was a decent sort!), an accusation from a non-understanding Grade 6 student (I was in Grade 7, in a composite class with some Grade 6 kids) who thought that we could afford airfares yet not a proper school uniform, many different stories from both parties regarding what happened, the rejection of a reverse charges phone call from Dad's future wife when he gave assurances that those calls would be accepted (honest mistake, she probably wasn't told), anger from the mother's side when she learned that Dad left us to friends to mind us during visitation times (although given that mum's mother died of cancer moments before I'm certain she could not have been thinking straight. I wasn't allowed to visit, which started the deterioration of our relationship), and eventually mum tried to palm us off back to dad in October 1997.

My relationship with Mum isn't that great, I've only seen her twice in the last 18 months (once for a funeral, the other for my sister's wedding). No bad words were spoken (nether was the time or place), but she's let me down too many times for me to trust her fully. My relationship with Dad is better so long as he's relatively sober (and my Doggies aren't getting belted by anyone, much less his Lions!). Personally I feel as though I'm my own person not needing to lean on anyone financially, through all of this I have had a steady job for over 4 years, have secure shelter, able to buy food and have savings to get basically what I need. Has it been easy over the journey? Of course not, but most things are easier to cope with given I've had to cope with being a child caught in the middle of divorce and custody issues.

 

[Dont be a lemon]

piece of paper that's from a religion you (probably) don't even subscribe to?

It's the government piece of paper that matters.

"You may now kiss the bride" is expensive window dressing.

 

[mark73]

I'm all for that shit, but being defacto with kids and splitting up is the same as a divorce. You still gotta cough up half.

It's criminal.

 

[vealesy]

It's criminal.

Filter your women better.

My ex took nothing other than what she already owned prior to me or what she paid for. I kept everything else as i worked and paid for it. I wore the pants and laid down the "lore" from the very start.

Id rather be forever alone than have a campaigner take half my shit.

 

[Sebastian Balboa]

The whole question of marriage is rearing its head but that's maybe for another thread/discussion.

In regards to divorce, when you're young (20s), fall in love with your soulmate* and, if you're both inclined that way, get married, you never for a second think that one day years down the track it could all turn to shit and the best option is to divorce, even though you have kids.

*I now believe there can be more than one soulmate in your lifetime.

The same applies for long-term defacto relationships.

It's how you handle your break-up is the key.
As a kid, stmookeyj had it pretty bad and the effects of his parents' split are still being felt today, years later.
The ex and I have been able to shield our kids from our collective angst, and the divorce will be going through soon.
If, as an adult, you use your kids in whatever way to get back at your ex, you're a fcuked up parent. It'll all come back on you years later, when they're old enough to understand the issues.

As for material possessions, for me, as long as the kids have shelter, that's the main thing. Every other thing can be replaced.

Like I mentioned, I never thought we'd divorce, and I never thought that I'd initiate it, even though she broke up with me, and that that almost shattered me to my core.
It's cliche but what doesn't break you can make you stronger.

 

[mark73]

Filter your women better.

My ex took nothing other than what she already owned prior to me or what she paid for. I kept everything else as i worked and paid for it. I wore the pants and laid down the "lore" from the very start.

Id rather be forever alone than have a silly take half my shit.

I just said it's criminal, what happened to Bunsen Burner. I already filter my women correctly. That's why I don't bother with certain women.

 

[muttweed]

This is so coincidental.

Me and my dad have a very close relationship; I gave him emotional support and advice for as long as I can remember.

My mum and dad had a huge fall out yesterday, and are getting a divorce. Anyway, they were fighting over who the kids (my 3 younger brothers) were going to stay with. They all chose my dad, and my mum (who always used to say that she wouldn't mind if her kids chose dad) was bawling her head off. My dad had to hold her back because she was literally going to run onto the main road in front of a car... she would rather die than see her kids leave her. So my dad decided to leave the kids with mum and leave the house by himself. He treated my mum like absolute shit right before he left, and he kept saying to the kids "Sorry, but I'm doing what your mum wants. Pretend I don't exist. I won't see you again". The kids were grabbing his ankles as he left and crying till their eyes were swollen.

He drove some place and the night ended there. This morning, my dad calls me and the phone conversation goes as follows

Dad: "I can't do this anymore. I love the kids and your mum too much. I just want one more chance...half a chance!" *starts crying*
Me: "She said she needs time. You'll have less of a chance of winning her back if you keep pressuring her".
Dad: "I don't have the time that she needs. It hurts too much. I cannot live like this anymore"
Me: "Where did these 'time' standards come from? Why don't you have time? Everyone has time"
Dad: "It just hurts too much"
Me: "I understand, but please just wait a bit"
Dad: "I can't!"
Me: "How could you do this..."
Dad: "I don't know! I guess this is what happens when no one loves you. No one ever loved me"
Me: "DAD. ARE YOU SERIOUS? Did you not see how the kids reacted to you leaving yesterday? What about me, spending hours at a time giving you advice, which by the way you NEVER LISTEN TO"
Dad: "I can't do this. The PAIN to have everything taken away from you"
Me: "YOU abandonned everyone last night, no one abandonned you"
Dad: "You're right. I just need HALF A CHANCE"
Me: "Please, just wait a bit. PLEASE!!"
Dad: "I can't. It hurts too much. I'm going to kill myself"
Me: "Please don't. I'll do it if you do" *starts bawling*
Dad: "I'm gonna go now" *click*

I am terrified. Absolutely terrified. I don't know where he is. I don't know what to do. I feel like I was too harsh. I feel like I went too hard on him, but I feel like he should harden up too. I want. To die. WHAT DO. I DO. I've called my mum and told her everything, but she won't hear it. Not one family member knows what to do, because besides me, he never really had anyone connect with him emotionally.

I CAN'T DO THIS SHIT

 

[mark73]

This is so coincidental.

Me and my dad have a very close relationship; I gave him emotional support and advice for as long as I can remember.

My mum and dad had a huge fall out yesterday, and are getting a divorce. Anyway, they were fighting over who the kids (my 3 younger brothers) were going to stay with. They all chose my dad, and my mum (who always used to say that she wouldn't mind if her kids chose dad) was bawling her head off. My dad had to hold her back because she was literally going to run onto the main road in front of a car... she would rather die than see her kids leave her. So my dad decided to leave the kids with mum and leave the house by himself. He treated my mum like absolute shit right before he left, and he kept saying to the kids "Sorry, but I'm doing what your mum wants. Pretend I don't exist. I won't see you again". The kids were grabbing his ankles as he left and crying till their eyes were swollen.

He drove some place and the night ended there. This morning, my dad calls me and the phone conversation goes as follows

Dad: "I can't do this anymore. I love the kids and your mum too much. I just want one more chance...half a chance!" *starts crying*
Me: "She said she needs time. You'll have less of a chance of winning her back if you keep pressuring her".
Dad: "I don't have the time that she needs. It hurts too much. I cannot live like this anymore"
Me: "Where did these 'time' standards come from? Why don't you have time? Everyone has time"
Dad: "It just hurts too much"
Me: "I understand, but please just wait a bit"
Dad: "I can't!"
Me: "How could you do this..."
Dad: "I don't know! I guess this is what happens when no one loves you. No one ever loved me"
Me: "DAD. ARE YOU SERIOUS? Did you not see how the kids reacted to you leaving yesterday? What about me, spending hours at a time giving you advice, which by the way you NEVER LISTEN TO"
Dad: "I can't do this. The PAIN to have everything taken away from you"
Me: "YOU abandonned everyone last night, no one abandonned you"
Dad: "You're right. I just need HALF A CHANCE"
Me: "Please, just wait a bit. PLEASE!!"
Dad: "I can't. It hurts too much. I'm going to kill myself"
Me: "Please don't. I'll do it if you do" *starts bawling*
Dad: "I'm gonna go now" *click*

I am terrified. Absolutely terrified. I don't know where he is. I don't know what to do. I feel like I was too harsh. I feel like I went too hard on him, but I feel like he should harden up too. I want. To die. WHAT DO. I DO. I've called my mum and told her everything, but she won't hear it. Not one family member knows what to do, because besides me, he never really had anyone connect with him emotionally.

I CAN'T DO THIS SHIT

A starting point might be to calm down.

 

[vealesy]

Its not your fault whatsoever, muttweed.

Hope it all works out for you and your brothers.

 

[Catsmaninamerica]

Call the police. If you're genuinely fearful for his life, call the cops. Also call lifeline. Now.

 

[vealesy]

Call the police. If you're genuinely fearful for his life, call the cops. Also call lifeline. Now.

More chance of a police response if his location is known and they are told he is doing burnouts.

Serious.

 

[Catsmaninamerica]

More chance of a police response if his location is known and they are told he is doing burnouts.

Serious.

Or if they knew he was at a Maccas an that Maccas was running a 2 for 1 Big Mac promotion. Cops.... Australia's biggest collection of sillys.

 

[bunsen burner]

I just said it's criminal, what happened to Bunsen Burner. I already filter my women correctly. That's why I don't bother with certain women.

Huh? What? I've been with my partner for 15 years. My woman is "filtered".

And even so, happy to cough up more than half if we split. Just wanted to point out to someone that a marriage certificate really means **** all, especially if you have kids. Unless of course you are insecure.

 

[vealesy]

I just said it's criminal, what happened to Bunsen Burner. I already filter my women correctly. That's why I don't bother with certain women.

I thought you were referring to BB stating how defacto is treated the same as married, as i believe it should be.

 

[Sebastian Balboa]

Jeez, gotta feel for muttweed.

 

[Gough]

This is so coincidental.

Me and my dad have a very close relationship; I gave him emotional support and advice for as long as I can remember.

My mum and dad had a huge fall out yesterday, and are getting a divorce. Anyway, they were fighting over who the kids (my 3 younger brothers) were going to stay with. They all chose my dad, and my mum (who always used to say that she wouldn't mind if her kids chose dad) was bawling her head off. My dad had to hold her back because she was literally going to run onto the main road in front of a car... she would rather die than see her kids leave her. So my dad decided to leave the kids with mum and leave the house by himself. He treated my mum like absolute shit right before he left, and he kept saying to the kids "Sorry, but I'm doing what your mum wants. Pretend I don't exist. I won't see you again". The kids were grabbing his ankles as he left and crying till their eyes were swollen.

He drove some place and the night ended there. This morning, my dad calls me and the phone conversation goes as follows

Dad: "I can't do this anymore. I love the kids and your mum too much. I just want one more chance...half a chance!" *starts crying*
Me: "She said she needs time. You'll have less of a chance of winning her back if you keep pressuring her".
Dad: "I don't have the time that she needs. It hurts too much. I cannot live like this anymore"
Me: "Where did these 'time' standards come from? Why don't you have time? Everyone has time"
Dad: "It just hurts too much"
Me: "I understand, but please just wait a bit"
Dad: "I can't!"
Me: "How could you do this..."
Dad: "I don't know! I guess this is what happens when no one loves you. No one ever loved me"
Me: "DAD. ARE YOU SERIOUS? Did you not see how the kids reacted to you leaving yesterday? What about me, spending hours at a time giving you advice, which by the way you NEVER LISTEN TO"
Dad: "I can't do this. The PAIN to have everything taken away from you"
Me: "YOU abandonned everyone last night, no one abandonned you"
Dad: "You're right. I just need HALF A CHANCE"
Me: "Please, just wait a bit. PLEASE!!"
Dad: "I can't. It hurts too much. I'm going to kill myself"
Me: "Please don't. I'll do it if you do" *starts bawling*
Dad: "I'm gonna go now" *click*

I am terrified. Absolutely terrified. I don't know where he is. I don't know what to do. I feel like I was too harsh. I feel like I went too hard on him, but I feel like he should harden up too. I want. To die. WHAT DO. I DO. I've called my mum and told her everything, but she won't hear it. Not one family member knows what to do, because besides me, he never really had anyone connect with him emotionally.

I CAN'T DO THIS SHIT

I was 21 when my folks split, and even though there wasn't the issue of custody involved, it's a ****ing nasty time, and as an adult child, sometimes it's harder because you have a greater understanding of what is actually going on. I would suggest you just sat tight for a while, plenty of things are going to be said and done in the next few months if they do go through with this and remaining as neutral as possible often turns out to be a fairly safe plan.
Feel for you though, it will be a tough time, don't afraid to see a doctor if things start to get on top of you either, because that would be more than understandable. Try not to blame yourself too much, this shit is way beyond your control.

 

[mark73]

Huh? What? I've been with my partner for 15 years. My woman is "filtered".

And even so, happy to cough up more than half if we split. Just wanted to point out to someone that a marriage certificate really means **** all, especially if you have kids. Unless of course you are insecure

Well I guess we've got our wires crossed, and it wouldn't be the first time on BigFooty that's happened.

Call the police. If you're genuinely fearful for his life, call the cops. Also call lifeline. Now.

Thanks to cable, sorry foxtel, you can call them on TV now. Although I tried it, doesn't work once you're back in Australia.

 

[lewigie]

"Wank wank wank put your money in the bank"

 

[Bunk Moreland]

No point calling the cops in that situation. Unless there's violence or domestic disturbance they can't and won't do anything.

Most major hospitals have mobile cat teams that deal just with self harm etc. Kind of like ambulance for people in that state. They'll talk to him and send someone out if they need to. Don't know exactly where to get their number (it's normally supplied to patients to use by doctors and psychologists) but theyre based at the hospitals so calling the emergency dept at your nearest major hospital is prob the way to go.

Probably the best thing to do in that situation. And get there yourself obviously.

 

[Wright Away]

It is hard to get through to people with depression Muttweed, sometimes they don't want to listen, they just want to be caught up in negative thought patterns because it justifies they actions the think they should take due to their mental illness.

 

[Illinois Nazi]

More chance of a police response if his location is known and they are told he is doing burnouts.

Certainly his location would help. Not sure what they are meant to do without it.

Even if you knew that, there's not much they can do beyond knock on the door: "Your family are worried you are going to hurt yourself." "No it's OK, I was upset but I'm fine now."

It's not like they can put him under 24 hour surveillance.

 

[Glenno23]

My parents divorced when i was 10. But have remained friends ever since

My dad even went to the US (Disneyland holiday) with us and mum 3 years after they got divorced and continue to talk on friendly terms now. They are both re married too. My sister and I lived with mum and stayed at dad's every Saturday night after the split. Me and my sis got very lucky in how it divorce turned out for us and how they remained friends.

Our next door neighbours got divorced too around the same time, and it was a shit fight. I saw the toll it had on their kids, and it wasn't cool. And i will be forever grateful towards my parents for that reason

 

[bunsen burner]

My parents divorced when i was 10. But have remained friends ever since

My dad even went to the US (Disneyland holiday) with us and mum 3 years after they got divorced and continue to talk on friendly terms now. They are both re married too. My sister and I lived with mum and stayed at dad's every Saturday night after the split. Me and my sis got very lucky in how it divorce turned out for us and how they remained friends.

Our next door neighbours got divorced too around the same time, and it was a shit fight. I saw the toll it had on their kids, and it wasn't cool. And i will be forever grateful towards my parents for that reason

That's the way to do it.

My parents split at 6. I didn't know I had issues with it until I was about 20. I was over it by then but looked back and realised the issues that I had that I wasn't even aware of when it was happening.

I'm pretty sure I'd do it the same way as your parents (I have a good track record with break ups) and as mentioned before, I filter me bitches, so my partner is a reasonable chance to follow*.

* I often here unmarried and non parental women talk total common sense in regards to the unfair access and alimony rules in this country. They complain that they are unfair and totally and unreasonably stacked in the woman's favour. But then it happens to them and they are the scorned woman who all of a sudden can't differentiate her hate for he ex and her kids relationship with the ex.

They can say whatever they like before it happens but the facts are most of them turn into spiteful unreasonable cows when kids and money are involved.