Same. At my worst I'm looking to bury deeper in the darkness, and not at all of a mind to accept the light of anyone's help. It is a nasty pit.
It is deeper and darker than even seems possible. A long way down if I just keep digging.
I tried to die when I was 16, and failed only by a fluke when my foster brother found me. He was so angry with me, and couldnt work it out. I wanted real hard to try again when I was 21 and came pretty close, but something in that last time came back and reminded me how part of me was glad to still be around.
Now even when I'm at my darkest, and part of me wants to not be here, I know I wont, I know I shouldnt do it, and I get help, but I probably wouldnt have but for that experience of coming very close.