Think Tank Essendon's next captain

[Mofra]

Hi Bay.

With Zac Merrett showing all the loyalty of Gary Rohan

23

Gary Rohan

Age

34

Ht

189cm

Wt

92kg

Pos.

Fwd

Career

Season

Last 5

D

9.6

2star

K

6.6

3star

HB

3.0

3star

M

3.3

3star

T

2.5

4star

G

1.0

4star

D

8.8

2star

K

6.0

2star

HB

2.8

2star

M

3.4

3star

T

2.3

3star

G

1.0

4star

D

9.8

3star

K

6.8

3star

HB

3.0

3star

M

2.2

3star

T

4.2

5star

G

1.2

4star

, Essendon will be searching for it's 2026 captain very soon.
Who better to provide helpful suggestions than we, the Bay 13 intelligensia people.

I'll start:
Jamarra Ugle-Hagen


Pros: Will absolutely not turn up to a meeting with Sam Mitchell
Cons: Will absolutely not turn up to training or games either


Ever Givern

Pros: Is absolutely not going anywhere
Cons: Is, unfortunately, a large shipping vessel


Bonnie Blue

Pros: Experienced in keeping members happy
Cons: Possibly too loose in the backline

 

[Pistol Night]

Bonnie Blue for me. She knows how to bring a list together and wont run away when things get hard

 

[Elmer_Hauser]

 

[JoseMourinho]

Maybe Dyson Heppell?

 

[StackedHunch]

Bob Katter



Pros: will encourage membership growth among Lebanese community
Cons: will likely be suspended in first few matches for making homophobic slurs

 

[springvale_mackers]

Does that thumb guy still play for them?

 

[Sarcoidevo]

This guy

Pros - happy to go down with a sinking ship
Cons - can do nothing about it

 

[Elmer_Hauser]

PROS: Caught Moby Dick
CONS: Unfortunately couldn't catch Subaru

 

[StackedHunch]

Elmer Hauser



Pros: cousin has access to good gear
Cons: will drive to the stadium at the stroke of midnight on match days.

 

[Sarcoidevo]

Pros - potential to turn losses into wins / good at resurrection

Cons - antiquated ideas which may put many people offside / rub them up the wrong way

 

[StackedHunch]

King Charles III



Pros: James Hird will no longer hold the club record biggest ears
Cons: if he changes teams, the Bombres team bus will need to avoid tunnels.

 

[Purple Suit]

Pro's - Was the Captain last time they won a final.
At 52 would still be better than half the list.
Can Captain Coach too when cousin Brad gets the arse.
Will do what ever it takes

Cons - None

 

[CarnTheScray]

 

[Bont2Bruce]

Captain Francesco Schettino

Pros: Will clearly be capable of upholding the current culture at Essington, being the world record holder of the fastest rat to abandon a sinking ship - he was in the first lifeboat that left the Costa Concordia.

Cons: Still has four years to serve of his 16 year sentence for killing 32 people and injuring more.

 

[Baldur]

Pros - Demands complete and utter loyalty and subservience from his team

Cons- Everything he touches turns to shite, even managed to bankrupt casinos

 

[Mop]

There's only one man for the job. Old mate Billie Joe here,

Pros - Already hibernates in September
Cons - Does not come with alarm clock

 

[Saveloy Rockstar]

Is it too soon to do Charlie Kirk? Perhaps

James Turd as captain/coach is just ridiculous… make it Captain/coach/president/CEO/head of football and sports science and he might consider it

Instead I propose:



Pros - accustomed to waking up after doing **** all for ~20 years

Pro? Con? - partial to imbibing unknown liquids sourced from mysterious strangers

Con - inclined to run away from his problems and not good at adjusting to changes

 

[catsfootyfan89]

Pros: Will be able to direct media away from future Essendon scandals
Cons: Potentially too masculine for Essendon's culture

 

[Geelong Dynasty]

 

[Purple Suit]

 

[FISTO]

I will never forgive OP for his Gary “Rogan” drive by.

I hate you all.

 

[Geelong Dynasty]

 

[the avoca drover]

 

[Mofra]

This guy:

Pros: Captain experience, used to September holidays
Cons: Is Jy Simpkin

12

Jy Simpkin

Age

27

Ht

183cm

Wt

77kg

Pos.

M/F

Career

Season

Last 5

D

16.0

4star

K

7.9

3star

HB

8.1

5star

M

2.4

3star

T

3.3

5star

CL

2.9

4star

D

20.6

5star

K

11.0

4star

HB

9.6

5star

M

2.0

2star

T

3.5

4star

CL

5.5

5star

D

10.0

3star

K

5.6

3star

HB

4.4

4star

M

2.8

3star

T

2.4

4star

CL

0.2

2star

 

[Supercoach Bargain]

This guy:
View attachment 2427663
Pros: Captain experience, used to September holidays
Cons: Is Jy Simpkin

Future 7th rounder for him.