Test Fattest XI

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Daniel B

Team Captain
Apr 3, 2011
390
394
AFL Club
Sydney
After recent comments around the physique of one Jonathan Bairstow, it's a worthy time to cast a look at some of the more corpulent players to have graced the test circuit in recent memory.

So here's my fattest XI, picked for balance, poise and overall intimidation of the opposition.

1. Jesse Ryder - this accomplished opener for New Zealand lost his spot repeatedly for both fitness and alcohol-related issues. Like many on this list, the big boy relied on brute force rather than athletic ability.
Jesse-Ryder.jpg


2. David Boon - another talent known for his love of booze, dumpy Boonie spent much of his career at short leg contemplating ways to avoid running between wickets. The left-right hand combination of Ryder and Boon's moustache would be an added bonus.
1620037-apr-1997-david-boon-of-durham-takes-a-break-in-the-field_crop_exact.jpg


3. Mike Gatting - Fat Gatt was known for his powerful stroke-play and directness with words. In an effort to curb Gatting's overindulgence at the lunch table, Mike Brearley suggested the Lords cook might reduce the number of courses to five. He didn't ask a second time.
01294-product.jpg


4. Inzamam Ul Haq - one of Pakistan's most successful batsmen, Inzie's powerful strokeplay was punctuated by chaotic running between the wickets. When discussing his worst experiences as a cricketer, Inzamam refers to fat jokes (he attacked a spectator for calling him "aloo"/potato) and being made to go on a diet, which he blames for his loss of form and ultimate omission from the test team.
hqdefault.jpg


5. Arjuna Ranatunga (C) - the portly Sri Lankan, whose bat sponsor was Sam's Chicken and Ribs (true story), had a knack for getting under the skin of opposition players. Ian Healy once advised Warne to put a Mars Bar on a good length to try and draw him out of his crease. Arjuna countered that David Boon would get there first. Later that tour, when Arjuna called for a runner for leg cramp, Healy complained that he shouldn't get a runner for being unfit, that the reason he had cramp was because he was fat, have a look at himself. As Arjuna charged at Healy in anger, Healy quickly pointed out that his leg seemed to be just fine. Tubby Taylor intervened, and Peter Parker (referred to as "Porky" by Healy) had to adjudicate. It's not clear whose side Parker chose.
thequint%2F2018-07%2F3de7155a-3042-43a4-a71b-8c9d383b0800%2FRanatunga_hero.jpg


6. Samit Patel - this promising English all-rounder's career was cut short after Kevin Pietersen dubbed him unfit, fat and lazy. My guess is the implied criticism of his attitude would have stung the most, coming from KP.
389374_4272870_updates.jpg


7. Rishabh Pant (W) - the preferred babysitter of the Paine family entered the test scene in 2018 and quickly gained a reputation for his annoying loud mouth behind the stumps. Upon being cast to the fringes of the Indian team in 2019, Pant turned his attention to eating. The results didn't go unnoticed: Matthew Wade, evidently fed up with Pant's inane high-pitched ramblings, asked Pant to clarify whether he was 20, 25 or 30 kg overweight. Pant's recent losses may have put his place in this XI in danger.
Pant_650_ujqhIqcajdaca.jpeg


8. Merv Hughes - the enforcer in the Australian team in the early 90's, Hughes would be the first to admit that he struggled to keep his weight down. But rather than respond angrily to sledges, Merv preferred to let the ball do the talking, upon which he would unleash his sharp wit. One time when Javed Miandad called him a fat bus driver, Merv responded by bouncing him, causing Miandad to spoon an easy catch. As Merv trotted gleefully past Miandad, he called out, "Tickets, please!"
Shane-Warnes-Australia-vs-Michael-Vaughans-England-T20-match.jpg


9. Eddo Brandes - this chunky Zimbabwean chicken farmer was more than handy with the ball. One day while batting he rubbed Glenn McGrath up the wrong way. When McGrath enquired as to the reason for his stature, Brandes' famous response had to do with chocolate biscuits and McGrath's wife.
eddo-brandes-63ab9cee-8f19-467e-b473-95ad0dd5fb4-resize-750.jpg


10. Rahkeem Cornwall - with the West Indian checking in at an imposing 6'6 and 140kg, Cornwall's success as a tweaker could be partially attributed to the intimidation factor. I mean, would you try to hit this guy out the park?
70622651.cms


11. Dwayne Levrock - the Bermudan's sharp athleticism in the field gained him cult status in the 2007 world cup. "Sluggo's" crafty flighted SLA undid some of the world's best batsmen.
B4i3ZbhCEAAbLe6.jpg


12th man - Mohammad Shahzad - a special mention to the Afghan keeper-slugger. When asked about his physique, he answered, "Why diet like Kohli when you can hit sixes further than him?" It's hard to argue with that logic!
images


What do you think - how would this team stack up against the best? Heavyweight or pushover?
 

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Tonga Bob

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Darren Lehmann wasn't small, and Warwick 'The Big Ship' Armstrong wouldn't look out of place. From Wikipedia:

A story told of Armstrong had a young boy following him around at a tour match in Southampton. Armstrong, thinking it a manifestation of hero worship, offered to sign the boy's autograph book. The boy turned to Armstrong and said, "Please, sir, you are the only bit of decent shade in the place."
 

Power Raid

TheBrownDog
Oct 15, 2004
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After recent comments around the physique of one Jonathan Bairstow, it's a worthy time to cast a look at some of the more corpulent players to have graced the test circuit in recent memory.

So here's my fattest XI, picked for balance, poise and overall intimidation of the opposition.

1. Jesse Ryder - this accomplished opener for New Zealand lost his spot repeatedly for both fitness and alcohol-related issues. Like many on this list, the big boy relied on brute force rather than athletic ability.
Jesse-Ryder.jpg


2. David Boon - another talent known for his love of booze, dumpy Boonie spent much of his career at short leg contemplating ways to avoid running between wickets. The left-right hand combination of Ryder and Boon's moustache would be an added bonus.
1620037-apr-1997-david-boon-of-durham-takes-a-break-in-the-field_crop_exact.jpg


3. Mike Gatting - Fat Gatt was known for his powerful stroke-play and directness with words. In an effort to curb Gatting's overindulgence at the lunch table, Mike Brearley suggested the Lords cook might reduce the number of courses to five. He didn't ask a second time.
01294-product.jpg


4. Inzamam Ul Haq - one of Pakistan's most successful batsmen, Inzie's powerful strokeplay was punctuated by chaotic running between the wickets. When discussing his worst experiences as a cricketer, Inzamam refers to fat jokes (he attacked a spectator for calling him "aloo"/potato) and being made to go on a diet, which he blames for his loss of form and ultimate omission from the test team.
hqdefault.jpg


5. Arjuna Ranatunga (C) - the portly Sri Lankan, whose bat sponsor was Sam's Chicken and Ribs (true story), had a knack for getting under the skin of opposition players. Ian Healy once advised Warne to put a Mars Bar on a good length to try and draw him out of his crease. Arjuna countered that David Boon would get there first. Later that tour, when Arjuna called for a runner for leg cramp, Healy complained that he shouldn't get a runner for being unfit, that the reason he had cramp was because he was fat, have a look at himself. As Arjuna charged at Healy in anger, Healy quickly pointed out that his leg seemed to be just fine. Tubby Taylor intervened, and Peter Parker (referred to as "Porky" by Healy) had to adjudicate. It's not clear whose side Parker chose.
thequint%2F2018-07%2F3de7155a-3042-43a4-a71b-8c9d383b0800%2FRanatunga_hero.jpg


6. Samit Patel - this promising English all-rounder's career was cut short after Kevin Pietersen dubbed him unfit, fat and lazy. My guess is the implied criticism of his attitude would have stung the most, coming from KP.
389374_4272870_updates.jpg


7. Rishabh Pant (W) - the preferred babysitter of the Paine family entered the test scene in 2018 and quickly gained a reputation for his annoying loud mouth behind the stumps. Upon being cast to the fringes of the Indian team in 2019, Pant turned his attention to eating. The results didn't go unnoticed: Matthew Wade, evidently fed up with Pant's inane high-pitched ramblings, asked Pant to clarify whether he was 20, 25 or 30 kg overweight. Pant's recent losses may have put his place in this XI in danger.
Pant_650_ujqhIqcajdaca.jpeg


8. Merv Hughes - the enforcer in the Australian team in the early 90's, Hughes would be the first to admit that he struggled to keep his weight down. But rather than respond angrily to sledges, Merv preferred to let the ball do the talking, upon which he would unleash his sharp wit. One time when Javed Miandad called him a fat bus driver, Merv responded by bouncing him, causing Miandad to spoon an easy catch. As Merv trotted gleefully past Miandad, he called out, "Tickets, please!"
Shane-Warnes-Australia-vs-Michael-Vaughans-England-T20-match.jpg


9. Eddo Brandes - this chunky Zimbabwean chicken farmer was more than handy with the ball. One day while batting he rubbed Glenn McGrath up the wrong way. When McGrath enquired as to the reason for his stature, Brandes' famous response had to do with chocolate biscuits and McGrath's wife.
eddo-brandes-63ab9cee-8f19-467e-b473-95ad0dd5fb4-resize-750.jpg


10. Rahkeem Cornwall - with the West Indian checking in at an imposing 6'6 and 140kg, Cornwall's success as a tweaker could be partially attributed to the intimidation factor. I mean, would you try to hit this guy out the park?
70622651.cms


11. Dwayne Levrock - the Bermudan's sharp athleticism in the field gained him cult status in the 2007 world cup. "Sluggo's" crafty flighted SLA undid some of the world's best batsmen.
B4i3ZbhCEAAbLe6.jpg


12th man - Mohammad Shahzad - a special mention to the Afghan keeper-slugger. When asked about his physique, he answered, "Why diet like Kohli when you can hit sixes further than him?" It's hard to argue with that logic!
images


What do you think - how would this team stack up against the best? Heavyweight or pushover?

They'd have to hire a Hercules Airplane so this side could tour
 

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psychobrown

Club Legend
Sep 23, 2007
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Fine collection of butterballs sir, the team really sizes up (no pun intended). Imagine not only the decimation of the buffet but the state of the chairs after lunch. When the umps ask for a heavy roller, the team could just send down whoever needs a nap. What's the team bus, a cattle truck? I'm just kidding, but in all seriousness, maybe Bearstore himself as WK? Pretty sure the salad-dodger got the most runs and dismissals in a CY with the gloves, they would also have been handy for taking the pies out of the oven.
 

Tonga Bob

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CliffMcTainshaw

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Apr 11, 2015
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Cill Chainnigh
Wow!!! Just reading up on him, he scored 181 runs in a session in a Shield game for WA vs Qld in 1968!!!!
https://www.cricketcountry.com/articles/colin-milburn-slams-181-runs-in-a-session-at-brisbane-19980

Maybe Peter Burge should be in the team as well. (Six paragraphs from the end of the article).

"As Milburn was towelling himself, the 16-stone bulk of Peter Burge, the former Queensland captain, loomed in the dressing room to thank him for justifying the presence of fat men in the game."
 
Last edited:

Plugger35

The umpires are always right!
Sep 27, 2008
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I remember listening to Mahatma Coat (Greg Ritchie) on Adelaide radio. The conversation topic was Pakistan cricket, and Mahatma was asked why there were so few young batsmen coming through the domestic system - he replied, "Inzamam ate them." :)

Greg Ritchie would be a candidate for the Fattest XI himself, they didn't call him Fat Cat for nothing.

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