- Apr 3, 2011
- 696
- 738
- AFL Club
- Sydney
After recent comments around the physique of one Jonathan Bairstow, it's a worthy time to cast a look at some of the more corpulent players to have graced the test circuit in recent memory.
So here's my fattest XI, picked for balance, poise and overall intimidation of the opposition.
1. Jesse Ryder - this accomplished opener for New Zealand lost his spot repeatedly for both fitness and alcohol-related issues. Like many on this list, the big boy relied on brute force rather than athletic ability.
2. David Boon - another talent known for his love of booze, dumpy Boonie spent much of his career at short leg contemplating ways to avoid running between wickets. The left-right hand combination of Ryder and Boon's moustache would be an added bonus.
3. Mike Gatting - Fat Gatt was known for his powerful stroke-play and directness with words. In an effort to curb Gatting's overindulgence at the lunch table, Mike Brearley suggested the Lords cook might reduce the number of courses to five. He didn't ask a second time.
4. Inzamam Ul Haq - one of Pakistan's most successful batsmen, Inzie's powerful strokeplay was punctuated by chaotic running between the wickets. When discussing his worst experiences as a cricketer, Inzamam refers to fat jokes (he attacked a spectator for calling him "aloo"/potato) and being made to go on a diet, which he blames for his loss of form and ultimate omission from the test team.
5. Arjuna Ranatunga (C) - the portly Sri Lankan, whose bat sponsor was Sam's Chicken and Ribs (true story), had a knack for getting under the skin of opposition players. Ian Healy once advised Warne to put a Mars Bar on a good length to try and draw him out of his crease. Arjuna countered that David Boon would get there first. Later that tour, when Arjuna called for a runner for leg cramp, Healy complained that he shouldn't get a runner for being unfit, that the reason he had cramp was because he was fat, have a look at himself. As Arjuna charged at Healy in anger, Healy quickly pointed out that his leg seemed to be just fine. Tubby Taylor intervened, and Peter Parker (referred to as "Porky" by Healy) had to adjudicate. It's not clear whose side Parker chose.
6. Samit Patel - this promising English all-rounder's career was cut short after Kevin Pietersen dubbed him unfit, fat and lazy. My guess is the implied criticism of his attitude would have stung the most, coming from KP.
7. Rishabh Pant (W) - the preferred babysitter of the Paine family entered the test scene in 2018 and quickly gained a reputation for his annoying loud mouth behind the stumps. Upon being cast to the fringes of the Indian team in 2019, Pant turned his attention to eating. The results didn't go unnoticed: Matthew Wade, evidently fed up with Pant's inane high-pitched ramblings, asked Pant to clarify whether he was 20, 25 or 30 kg overweight. Pant's recent losses may have put his place in this XI in danger.
8. Merv Hughes - the enforcer in the Australian team in the early 90's, Hughes would be the first to admit that he struggled to keep his weight down. But rather than respond angrily to sledges, Merv preferred to let the ball do the talking, upon which he would unleash his sharp wit. One time when Javed Miandad called him a fat bus driver, Merv responded by bouncing him, causing Miandad to spoon an easy catch. As Merv trotted gleefully past Miandad, he called out, "Tickets, please!"
9. Eddo Brandes - this chunky Zimbabwean chicken farmer was more than handy with the ball. One day while batting he rubbed Glenn McGrath up the wrong way. When McGrath enquired as to the reason for his stature, Brandes' famous response had to do with chocolate biscuits and McGrath's wife.
10. Rahkeem Cornwall - with the West Indian checking in at an imposing 6'6 and 140kg, Cornwall's success as a tweaker could be partially attributed to the intimidation factor. I mean, would you try to hit this guy out the park?
11. Dwayne Levrock - the Bermudan's sharp athleticism in the field gained him cult status in the 2007 world cup. "Sluggo's" crafty flighted SLA undid some of the world's best batsmen.
12th man - Mohammad Shahzad - a special mention to the Afghan keeper-slugger. When asked about his physique, he answered, "Why diet like Kohli when you can hit sixes further than him?" It's hard to argue with that logic!
What do you think - how would this team stack up against the best? Heavyweight or pushover?
So here's my fattest XI, picked for balance, poise and overall intimidation of the opposition.
1. Jesse Ryder - this accomplished opener for New Zealand lost his spot repeatedly for both fitness and alcohol-related issues. Like many on this list, the big boy relied on brute force rather than athletic ability.
2. David Boon - another talent known for his love of booze, dumpy Boonie spent much of his career at short leg contemplating ways to avoid running between wickets. The left-right hand combination of Ryder and Boon's moustache would be an added bonus.
3. Mike Gatting - Fat Gatt was known for his powerful stroke-play and directness with words. In an effort to curb Gatting's overindulgence at the lunch table, Mike Brearley suggested the Lords cook might reduce the number of courses to five. He didn't ask a second time.
4. Inzamam Ul Haq - one of Pakistan's most successful batsmen, Inzie's powerful strokeplay was punctuated by chaotic running between the wickets. When discussing his worst experiences as a cricketer, Inzamam refers to fat jokes (he attacked a spectator for calling him "aloo"/potato) and being made to go on a diet, which he blames for his loss of form and ultimate omission from the test team.
5. Arjuna Ranatunga (C) - the portly Sri Lankan, whose bat sponsor was Sam's Chicken and Ribs (true story), had a knack for getting under the skin of opposition players. Ian Healy once advised Warne to put a Mars Bar on a good length to try and draw him out of his crease. Arjuna countered that David Boon would get there first. Later that tour, when Arjuna called for a runner for leg cramp, Healy complained that he shouldn't get a runner for being unfit, that the reason he had cramp was because he was fat, have a look at himself. As Arjuna charged at Healy in anger, Healy quickly pointed out that his leg seemed to be just fine. Tubby Taylor intervened, and Peter Parker (referred to as "Porky" by Healy) had to adjudicate. It's not clear whose side Parker chose.
6. Samit Patel - this promising English all-rounder's career was cut short after Kevin Pietersen dubbed him unfit, fat and lazy. My guess is the implied criticism of his attitude would have stung the most, coming from KP.
7. Rishabh Pant (W) - the preferred babysitter of the Paine family entered the test scene in 2018 and quickly gained a reputation for his annoying loud mouth behind the stumps. Upon being cast to the fringes of the Indian team in 2019, Pant turned his attention to eating. The results didn't go unnoticed: Matthew Wade, evidently fed up with Pant's inane high-pitched ramblings, asked Pant to clarify whether he was 20, 25 or 30 kg overweight. Pant's recent losses may have put his place in this XI in danger.
8. Merv Hughes - the enforcer in the Australian team in the early 90's, Hughes would be the first to admit that he struggled to keep his weight down. But rather than respond angrily to sledges, Merv preferred to let the ball do the talking, upon which he would unleash his sharp wit. One time when Javed Miandad called him a fat bus driver, Merv responded by bouncing him, causing Miandad to spoon an easy catch. As Merv trotted gleefully past Miandad, he called out, "Tickets, please!"
9. Eddo Brandes - this chunky Zimbabwean chicken farmer was more than handy with the ball. One day while batting he rubbed Glenn McGrath up the wrong way. When McGrath enquired as to the reason for his stature, Brandes' famous response had to do with chocolate biscuits and McGrath's wife.
10. Rahkeem Cornwall - with the West Indian checking in at an imposing 6'6 and 140kg, Cornwall's success as a tweaker could be partially attributed to the intimidation factor. I mean, would you try to hit this guy out the park?
11. Dwayne Levrock - the Bermudan's sharp athleticism in the field gained him cult status in the 2007 world cup. "Sluggo's" crafty flighted SLA undid some of the world's best batsmen.
12th man - Mohammad Shahzad - a special mention to the Afghan keeper-slugger. When asked about his physique, he answered, "Why diet like Kohli when you can hit sixes further than him?" It's hard to argue with that logic!
What do you think - how would this team stack up against the best? Heavyweight or pushover?