Favourite Simpsons Quotes

F

Fall Out Boy

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Thread starter #1
Been done before, but anyway, doesn't hurt to revisit what was once the best show on television.


Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!

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Homer: Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

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Homer: Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all life's problems.

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Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws. .

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Rev. Lovejoy: Hey, wait a minute... this looks like rock and/or roll.

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Bart: You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye.
Homer: [laughing] The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on the cake.

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Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

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Lisa: I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll get a brand new protractor.
Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.

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Reverned Lovejoy: This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Now let's say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate.

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Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

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Homer: Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes to move your car." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."

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Homer: [singing] My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R, my baloney has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R.

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[Lisa takes Bart to the library]
Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books.
Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them.
Bart: Oh. Heh heh. Gotcha.
[wink]

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Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them - as is my understanding...

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Lionel Hutz: Uh, your Honor, can I call for one of those bad trial thingys?
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz: Yeah... that's why you're the judge, and I am the law... talkin'... guy.

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Comic Book Guy: Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

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Homer: He didn't give you gay, did he?

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Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

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Homer: Homer no function beer well without.

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Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

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Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old. Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk.
Homer: And how!

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Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

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Clerk: Wow, a fat sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies... gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but no receipt, no return.

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Ralph Wiggum: Me fail English? That's unpossible.

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Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

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[Looking at Uruguay on a map]
Homer: Heehee. Look at this country. "You are gay."

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Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.

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Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.

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Moe: I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.

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Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with that cromulent performance.

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[After seeing the movie "Naked Lunch"]
Nelson Muntz: I can think of two things wrong with that title.

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Sideshow Bob: You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you. I deride your truth-handling abilities.

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Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie - one to lie, and one to listen.

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Chief Wiggum: Bake him away, toys.

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Lisa: Dad, don't you think you're overreacting?
Homer: Don't you think you're *under*reacting?
Lisa: This conversation is over.
Homer: This conversation is *under*.
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: *bad*bye.

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Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Post Office Worker: Okay. What's your first name?
Homer: ...I don't know.

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Comic Book Guy: There is no "emoticon" to express what I am feeling right now.

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Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

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Homer: That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow. A *blue car*.

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Ralph Wiggum: Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers.

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Homer: Save me Jeebus.

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Snake: Uhh, wallet inspector.

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Belle: Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.

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Homer: I'm sorry. I cant come in today. Religious holiday. The feast of... Maximum Occupancy.

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Marge: Look at this place. The house number is spelled out with letters.
Homer: Get used to it, honey. From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters.

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Homer: English side ruined, must use French side... LE GRILLE? what the hell is that?

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Lisa: Cheer up, Dad. Did you know the Chinese use the same word for 'crisis' as they do for 'opportunity'?
Homer: Yes. Crisitunity.

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Moe: I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly.
 

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#2
gotta love Grampa Simpsons ramblings.....


... Anyway, about my washtub. I’d just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as... a walking bird. We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called "baseball"...

---------------------------------------------------------

We can’t bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell ‘em stories that don’t go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ‘em. ‘Give me five bees for a quarter,’ you’d say.

Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn’t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

:p

check his ramblings out here...

http://www.doheth.co.uk/lists/abe.shtml
 

Lowie01

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#3
My favourite:

Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! *buzz* Alright, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him. *ding*
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. *buzz* A date. *buzz* Dinner with a friend. *buzz* Dinner alone. *buzz* Watching TV alone. *buzz* Alright! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. *buzz* Sears catalog. *ding* Now would you unhook this already, please! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! *buzz*
 

matts_girl

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#4
lmao

Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist._ He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.
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Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
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Homer: I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your
womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
Marge: Are you crazy? I'm not going to be a surrogate mother.
Homer: C'mon, Marge, we're a team. It's uter-US, not uter-YOU.
Marge: Forget it!
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Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
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Homer: Son, I just want you to know I have total faith in you.
Bart: Since when?
Homer: Since your mother yelled at me.
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Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: I gotta go Moe my damn weiner kids are listening.
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Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
--------------------------------------------------
 

aesop

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#5
Homer: Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic.

Duffman: Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem!

Duffman: That brown patch needs a little H2OooooYEH!

Duffman: Duffman wants to party down with the man who sent in 10,000 Duff labels to bring me here today. I've got a bottomless mug of new Duff Extra Cold for, Barney Gumbel!
All: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Barney: I can't, I'm the designated driver!
(Everything stops)
Duffman: Yeah that's swell, Duff wholeheartedly supports the designated driver program. Now! Who wants to Party!
 
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#7
Chief Wiggum: Oh sure, we've all heard of angels, but who's ever heard of a 'neanderthal'??

Lionel Hutz: He's kinda had it in for me since i accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace 'accidently' with 'repeatedly', and replace 'dog' with 'son'.

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I got this friend named... Joey Jo Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
(man runs out of the bar sobbing)
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!

Homer: You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life with an electrified fooling machine
 

Leon

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#8
Burns: More important than money? WHO IS THIS?


(Homer applying for the "Bigger Brother" Foundation)
Receptionist: What are your reasons for wanting to join?
Homer's brain: Dont say revenge! Dont say revenge!
Homer: Um....revenge.
(Receptionist ticks "revenge" from list of spite, malice etc)


Homer: I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats.


Lionel Hutz: Dont worry, Mr Simpson, I watched "Matlock" in a bar last night. The sound wasnt on, but I think I got the gist of it.


Lionel Hutz: Mr Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film "The never ending story"!


Burns: Dammit, Smithers! This isnt rocket science, its brain surgery!

Milhouse: How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy!


Troy McLure: hello, Selma Bouvier? I'm Troy McLure. You might remember me from such dates as last night's dinner!


Woman on talk show host: (in tears) I dont know Homer Simpson...I've never met Homer Simpson or met him...but I...I...I cant go on I'm sorry (sobs)
Talk show host: That's OK, your tears say more than any real evidence EVER could.


Superintentend Chalmers: Oh, I have had it! I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, UGLY children!


Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man of the house, and makes me the woman! And I have no interest in that, except in the cas eof the underwear, which, as we discussed, is purely a comfort thing.
 
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#9
(Bart has an earring)
Bart: Come on, Homer, didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were my age?
Homer: Well, yeah, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different.

Homer: I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine".
Guard: And your name is...?
Homer: Uhh... Shiney McShine.
 

yikes

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#10
Homer: You can sit there and cry and eat dog food, until your tears smell like dog food or you can go outside and look for the dog.

Bart:Thats right i'll go look for the dog

Homer: Dammit almost had the boy eatin dog food
 

Roobunny

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#11
My favourites (apart from the magical animal one) - which I've probably got a word wrong here and there...I'm sick, my brain's not working (that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it!)

HOMER - "And I'm not a man who's easily impressed...wow a blue car!"

*****************************************

"Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins", "Homer Simpson smiling politely".

******************************************

LISA - "But there's been record of a tornado since 1972 (can't remember the year!) when the Hall of Records mysteriously blew away!"

*******************************************

HOMER'S GAY ROOMMATE "Lisa - if I were an 8 year old straight boy I would so be holding your hand right now"

*******************************************

HOMER (looking for a bar to drink in after being kicked out of Moe's has ended up in a lesbian bar)

"Hmmm, there's something wrong with this bar...(Pause)...there's no fire escape! Enjoy your deathtrap ladies!" (Runs out)

WOMAN "What was her problem?"
 

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Milenko

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#14
Homer: Um, Mr McRingRing, i'd like to ask you a few questions.

Lisa: Dad, that was a video.



Phoney McRingRing :D
 

lenny&carl

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#17
not word perfect, but

When Otto is at the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, he says

"Well, you know how lots of peple are choc-aholics, right? Well I'm what they call an ALcaholic."
 

Squeak

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#18
"That's one mug, you DON'T want to chug. Ooh yeah."
___________________________________________________

Carl: We hardly put a dent in that 10-foot hogey.
Homer: Don't worry, I'll give it a good home

Marge: Homer, you've been eating that sandwich for over a week, I think the mayonaise is starting to turn.
Homer: Two more feet and I can fit it in the fridge!

Marge. I found this behind the radiator. I really think you should throw it out.
Homer: Suggestion noted.

Homer: Marge, I'd like to have a moment alone with the sandwich.

Homer (to the sandwich): This is all your fault!. Oh, how can I stay mad at you.

____________________________________________________

"Ohhh. That's broken. Feedle-de-de, that will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear, but I am going to KICK THIS DOGHOUSE DOWN!"

____________________________________________________

"He called me Greenhorn and I called him Tony Randall. It was a thing we had."

____________________________________________________

Homer: So, boy, where've you been?
Bart: Playing with Milhouse.
Homer: No you haven't. You've been off galavanting with that floozy of a bigger brother of yours, haven't you? Haven't you?! Look at me...

____________________________________________________

"If the bible has taught us nothing, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girly sports: such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such."

____________________________________________________

Homer: Mmmm, 64 slices of American cheese. 64. 63
(cue morning)
Homer: twooo.....oonnneeeee....
Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind.
 

NICK THE PIE MAN

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#19
I have been watching The Simpson since 1991/1992. Seen nearly every episode. When I think about my favourite quote, I always come back to these two. They always make me laugh without question...

Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Oooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
[Homer looks puzzled.]
Shopkeeper: That's bad.


After Homer losses money on a football bet after taking a tip from a expert commentator whose claim he is right 52% of the time.

Commentator: "Well folks, when you're right 52% of the time, you're wrong 48% of the time!
Homer: *Dusgusted and yelling* Why didn't you say that before?!?!?
 
F

Fall Out Boy

Guest
Thread starter #20
Originally posted by NICK THE PIE MAN

Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Oooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
[Homer looks puzzled.]
Shopkeeper: That's bad.

Was that from the Treehouse of Horrors episode in Season 4? The one where Homer buys the evil Krusty doll.
 
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#22
Homer: It's true, I'm a Rageaholic.....I just can't live without Rageahol!

Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

Lisa: Look at the "wonders" of the computer age now.
Homer: Wonders Lisa? Or blunders?
Lisa: I think that was implied by what I said.
Homer: Implied... Or implode?

(Speaking over emergency radio)
Marge: Chief Wiggum? My husbands gone crazy and is trying to murder my family; OVER
Chief Wiggum: oh, well thank good thats over, i starting to worry there....
 

fitzmantle

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#23
Superintendent Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.
Seymour Skinner: Oh, no, I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers.

*******************************

Jebediah Obadiah Zacharaiah Springfield: The noblest spirit embiggens the smallest man
 

brampta

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#24
Originally posted by NICK THE PIE MAN Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Oooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
[Homer looks puzzled.]
Shopkeeper: That's bad.


[/B]
ROFL! Yeah I used to walk around quoting this with one of my friends (but do you think I can remember which one?!?!)

More of my faves:

Ralph: When I grow up, I want to go to Bovine University

Ralph: And then when the doctor said that I didn't have rabies anymore, that was the happiest day of my life

Homer: Ow!...Spikey....ewwww! Slimy....pfft twenty dollars - I wanted a peanut!
Little Voice: With $20 you can buy many peanuts
Homer: Explain how
Little Voice: Money can be exchanged for goods and services
Homer: Woohoo!
(or something like this!)

Sooo many more that I can't think of right now!
 

lamby29

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#25
Originally posted by phatandphreaky

Comic Book Guy: Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Following on from that...

Bart: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you
have to complain?
CBG: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They're giving you thousands of hours of
entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe
you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.
CBG: Worst episode ever.
 
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