Funny sayings!

[Double the Fist]

When I played Under 16 cricket, there was a guy in our team who would often say, whenever one of our bowlers bowled a couple of deliveries which preplexed the opposition batsman, "You've got him in all sorts of licorice now."

Not a bad effort for a kid

 

[worbod]

In relation to being asked whether you've had a haircut:
"Yes, I've had many hairs cut."

If you accidentally knock something over or break something not too valuable:
"And now for my next trick."

 

[worbod]

If a friend or spouse asks you to put the dog/cat out:
"Why, is it on fire?"

If you're a male about to temporarily leave a group of friends in order to have a tinkle:
"I'll be back in two shakes."

 

[worbod]

A response to use to someone greeting you when you come back to work after an absence. Should they say, "Hey, you're back!", you respond, "Yes. I made parole."

When standing next to a step ladder, "This is my step ladder. My real ladder left home when I was a small boy."

 

[4evablues]

There are three kinds of people in this world those who can count and those who cant.... a little lame!

 

[snax]

When standing next to a step ladder, "This is my step ladder. My real ladder left home when I was a small boy."

like this one

 

[4evablues]

Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls

 

[Thirteen]

I'm so hungry, I could eat the wheels off a menstrual cycle!

 

[Rod Stroker]

Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewry.
Couldn't organise a sand pit in the Sahara!

Couldn't organise a root in a brothel

She's had more pricks more than a second hand dart board

 

[Rod Stroker]

Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls

Girls need a reason.
Guys just need a place.

 

[4evablues]

Santa, this year... can I ask for a fat bank account and a slim body? Please dont get them mixed up like you did last year!

 

[wce_dyl]

More chins than a chinese phonebook

Also I have a rough as guts uncle (he lives in the 'outback', never seen him wearing a shirt and also he has a glass eye.) Just to set the picture of this guy, his favorite saying is, 'Dry as a dead dingos donger'. Maybe my favorite saying of all time.

 

[jarnott94]

"tight as a fishes arse"

 

[jarnott94]

"Keen as mustard"

 

[jarnott94]

For ugly people you meet:
“makes sin look cute”

For soft people:
“Soft as a lemonade sandwich”

For a close call:
“By the skin of hen’s teeth”

 

[jarnott94]

For sombody who thinks they are preety awesome:
"Thinks his shits dont stink but his farts give him away"

 

[snax]

im so hungry i could eat the s**t out of a low flying duck

 

[snax]

Couldn't get a kick in a Karate comp

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Same s**t different bucket.

 

[Coledinho]

Couldnt organise a orgy in a brothel
More likely to get my face stuck in between Kate Hudsons breasts then that
Looks about as comfortable as a salmon in a bucket

 

[worbod]

One I've often used when a mate pulls off a fluky shot in a game of pool or snooker:
"You practice that shot a lot do you mate?"

 

[Lord_Flashheart]

> Uglier than a hat full of arseholes!!

An extension of this "Uglier than a barrel full of smashed arseholes"

And a favourite Red Dwarf one, "Less popular than a horny dog at a miss lovely legs competition"

 

[TheWoodenSlug]

X is lower than a pregnant ant
X has a face like a painter's radio
X is busier than a one-legged river dancer
X is as cunning as a fox who has just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University

 

[GoDermie]

So hungry, I could chew the arse of a brown scabby dog.

 

[Herne Hill Hammer]

I wouldn't piss in your ear if your brain was on fire.

Jesus, wept.

My giddy aunt.

He's a bit touched.