Hayden Slalomtime - The AFL's Quintessential Down-hill Skier

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After a failed career as a jockey due to having an enormous head (they couldn't find a helmet big enough to contain it) and still not being quite big enough to qualify as a full-time roller coaster tester, Hayden Slalomtime has manged to forge out a career in the AFL of getting going with the going's good.


Above: Slalomtime comes off his toboggan.

It appears that in-between diving for frees, pulling hair and pinching arses (lol), this feral little Manduran with a heart of shit likes the slopes with an extra steep decline:

2014:

Goals vs top 8: 9 in 6 games for an average of 1.5

Goals vs bottom 10: 13 in 5 games for an average of 2.6

Wowsers. Over a goal a game for a scabbing forward pocket is a big deal. Especially for one that almost singlehandedly cost his team a premiership (I say almost as Pav and Shit Stayne were almost just as much to blame).


Above: Artist's depiction of Hayden Slalomtime vs Richmond on the weekend. SWOOSH!
 

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Slalomtime. Ha ha, it's funny because it.... nah, it's not funny. That's really reaching Bendy.
Sorry Reg, but the stats don't lie.


Above: Cockburn aim to capitalise on Slalomtime's new found niche with a limited edition collection of winter gear, first item will be the Slalomtime Goggles, no more moist cheeks after costing your team their next big game -guaranteed!
 
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Above: The Slalomtime Identity Concealer; not only handy for those weekend B&E's in Cockburn, but it's also the replica of the mask that Hayden Slalomtime wore down the 'cino strip in Cockburn Central* last October to avoid having rotten fruit thrown at him by local market gardeners. Practical and stylish!
 
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Josh Kennedy in 2014

Goals vs top 8: 11 in 6 games for an average of 1.8

Goals vs bottom 10: 21 in 5 games for an average of 4.2

Over a 2 goals a game for a key forward is a big deal. Drew Petrie levels

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As before, you've been proven wrong. Now stay on topic or run along.
 
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