Heart Balm - free advice here

[Aristotle Pickett]

Advice for aggravated burglars looking to get back on the straight and narrow?

Heart Balm:
Thanks for the question St.Peter. We all know the scourge of institutional racism in WA. We know they locked up a vulnnerable Sydney Stack over Christmas.
From my understanding, Marlion is a wonderfull family man with a wonderfull family.
My advice would be to get a real good white lawyer who has been to the judge's house for dinner, as that seems to be how the cookie crumbles in far away WA.
All the best to you and your cat.

 

[MAXIMUM GRUNDAGE]

Dear HB,
How does a woman find a boyfriend at a gay bar?

Start a war. Start a nuclear war.

 

[Aristotle Pickett]

Karen from Carlton says.. 'I found my husband watching pr0n and now I feel betrayed.'

'I thought we were ecstatically happy and that, at last, I was in a truly fulfilling and equal relationship. I now doubt all this, and have lost respect for my husband.

Heart Balm:
Karen, Karen, Karen ! Chill out ffs.
What you are doing is discovering something new about him. You might be feeling excluded because he kept this part of his life a secret.
Let him whack off to his silly fantasies if he wants.
Next time you catch him, just say , 'I caught you, you're cooking dinner w***er' or demand some jewllery or a new dress.
Use it against him when you get into an argument and threaten to tell his friends .
Don't let this tosser get you down!
Good luck Karen!

 

[Cyclops]

Dear Heart Balm,
I don't socialise that much and have only been to the big dance a few dozen times. More often than not I go home dissapointed.

Last time some boring twat from out of town cut my lunch for me while his little mate stood on my shoe. Time before that it was this big farmer type clearly on the juice...you get the picture.

Anyway I'm hoping to try again in a few monrh, should I bother though? Am I just gonna get my heart broken all over again?

 

[FISTO]

Start a war. Start a nuclear war.

Maxxy

You’re a superstar!

 

[MAXIMUM GRUNDAGE]

Dear Heart Balm,
Why is this Fred in the divvy?
I thought it was a good one.

 

[Aristotle Pickett]

Dear Heart Balm,
I don't socialise that much and have only been to the big dance a few dozen times. More often than not I go home dissapointed.

Last time some boring twat from out of town cut my lunch for me while his little mate stood on my shoe. Time before that it was this big farmer type clearly on the juice...you get the picture.

Anyway I'm hoping to try again in a few monrh, should I bother though? Am I just gonna get my heart broken all over again?

Heart Balm:
Hi Cyclops. Things have changed, it's all internet, and modern girls are a lot looser than the 70's and 80's chicks.
Go on an internet date 3 times a week until you find the right girl who pleases you.
All the breast!

 

[Aristotle Pickett]

Dear Heart Balm,
Why is this Fred in the divvy?
I thought it was a good one.

Heart Balm:
Thanks Maximum Gawnage. Some posters like Elmer Judd get jealous and complain.
It's usually the ones that live with their mother than do this.
Keep on truckin!

 

[Ronnie Baby]

Balme, Neil Balme

 

[MAXIMUM GRUNDAGE]

Dear HB
I need a boyfriend
Where do you find such a mythical creature
Regards
Sad of South Yarra.

Dear Feraligatr ,
Trent will be on the market when Brooke dumps him after retirement, as she did to Clint Bartram.
Failing that, Dimma will be looking to upgrade once again very shortly.

HB

 

[Sun Ra]

Dear Heart Balm,

I'm a Saints supporter and would like to pick up a Richmond chick at the game tonight to see how the other half lives.
Any tips ? I am fully vaccinated.

 

[MAXIMUM GRUNDAGE]

Dear Heart Balm,

I'm a Saints supporter and would like to pick up a Richmond chick at the game tonight to see how the other half lives.
Any tips ? I am fully vaccinated.

Dear Sun Ra,
Be confident but also just be yourself.
Listen to her - if she says crazy stuff like "ARC cost us the Premiership, just politely nod and agree.
I would suggest bringing out your old #32 jumper in support of her new coach.
Finally, leave the waifu pillow at home.

HB.

 

[FISTO]

Dear Fart Bum,
Why do you piss in your lycras?
Get pranked dickhead.
Love,
s00z

 

[Aristotle Pickett]

Dear Heart Balm,

I'm a Saints supporter and would like to pick up a Richmond chick at the game tonight to see how the other half lives.
Any tips ? I am fully vaccinated.

Heart Balme:
Hi Sun Ra, Tiger chicks are the best chicks , they're not to fussy, enjoy a beer and enjoy a good laugh.
Steer clear of the cheersquad though, those girls can be a bit chubby.
Buy a tiger scarf and go to the local pubs after the game.
Do a pretend Dusty fend off and yell 'Dusty' or say things like 'Shai Bolton you beauty' , buy the girls a few drinks and take it from there.

 

[Aristotle Pickett]

Dear Fart Bum,
Why do you piss in your lycras?
Get pranked dickhead.
Love,
s00z

Heart Balme:
Thanks for the facetious question! We all like a good laugh, but remember anyone can use the lowest common denominator type humour.
Try and use some wit eg Jack Bowels, Conor Useless, Chris Snott ect.

 

[FISTO]

Dear Heart Balm,

Could you please explain the origins of the suname "Dickinson"

Regards,
FISTO

 

[Aristotle Pickett]

Dear Heart Balm,

Could you please explain the origins of the suname "Dickinson"

Regards,
FISTO

Hi Fisto, Dickinson as a boy's name is of Old English origin, and the meaning of Dickinson is "son of Dick".

 

[frggr]

If you think you've got it bad, remember there are always those who have it worse.

For instance, a so-called professional football club only won two games last season. They were even beaten by Norf

 

[Aristotle Pickett]

If you think you've got it bad, remember there are always those who have it worse.

For instance, a so-called professional football club only won two games last season. They were even beaten by Norf

Hi frggr, that's correct, but sometimes we need to see the glass as half full, not half empty. Try not to celebrate the misfortune of others, welcome more positivity.
Good luck to your Cats in the finals, keep your chin up. HB

 

[MisterMarcus]

Dear Heart Balm,

Everyone says AFL players should have a personality and be fun. But when I do it, my club calls me a flog and a spud and sack me from the team.

Why is this?

Josh from West Lakes

 

[MisterMarcus]

Dear Heart Balm,

Everyone tells me I need to focus more on my health and fitness behaviour off field.

I think bucket bongs, nose beers and shards are a fine off-seasons diet. What do you think?

Sincerely

Clayton from Mt Hotham

 

[MisterMarcus]

Dear Heart Balm,

Our club paid a king's ransom for us, but we are both injury prone potato farmers who cannot hit a team-mate's chest to save our lives. This makes us sad.

What should we do?

Sincerely

Jacob and Tim from Punt Road

 

[Wallaby]

Dear HB,

Why the f**** do I follow football, when every year, there's less than 6% chance I will be rewarded for my loyalty?

Can you suggest a more enjoyable and fulfilling pastime in which to invest my weekly emotional energy, such as hard rubbish scrounging, or raking the lilydale topping into a pleasing geometric pattern?

Sincerely

MCG Bay Q6, seat RR25

 

[frggr]

Dear Heart Balm,

I'm a player at an inner Melbourne AFL Club (using a sock account, obviously) and my mum is helping me to write this.

We got a new coach and our footy club is the absolute pits at the moment. They have us making calls to our derro supporters trying to sell bricks (yes, house bricks) to fund the upgrade of our shitty facilities.

I spend most of my time at the Royal these days wondering if I should stay with the club or go to a better run club.

What should I do?