Family & Relationships How do you break up?

[Sebastian Balboa]

Hoping to get some advice on breaking up, would be great to hear from the ladies who inhabit these boards.

So I'm with this lovely woman, similar age, etc. We've only just begun dating and have enjoyed some good times, and it seems she is totally smitten: texts, calls, plans, etc. Thing is, I am just not feeling it as much. On a scale of 1 to 10 in interest levels, mine would be a 5. I often think about other women I have interest in, as they do for me, even to the point where I hope they don't see us together in public. That's terrible.

Those that may have read my posts previously would know of my failure in recent times to find a regular companion, and how that contributed to a general lack of self-esteem. Well I've turned that around by not stressing and just being my confident, natural self. Seems to have worked.

Anyway, she's coming around today and by her texts it looks like we're in for a great time. I actually wanted to have "that talk" with her today but I don't know what to do.

My dilemma is this: Having had my heart ripped to shreds four years ago by who I thought was my eternal soulmate and only just coming good this past year or so, I have developed an aversion to rejecting those that have shown interest in me, those that I have no interest in. For example, for almost a year a woman from my work showed an enormous amount of interest and dropped hints galore; all I could do was nod, smile and pretend I didn't get her texts.

This current interest had had a bad time with her ex just two years ago, he having cheated on her, she forgives him, then she catches him doing it again. I just don't want to crush her in a similar fashion.

What can I do?
What do I do?

Could really do with some advice right now...

 

[Xanman]

Just be honest mate and break up with her, it's the only thing you can do.

 

[Sebastian Balboa]

Not sure how prepared I am to see someone hurt at my expense. Difficult.

 

[Xanman]

Not sure how prepared I am to see someone hurt at my expense. Difficult.

True but I guess you got to do what you are happy with.

 

[Exe Gesis]

As soon as you've finished having sex with your partner, go to another room, and text them that you're dumping them....or better.....text a friend to text them immediately that you're dumping them.

 

[Sebastian Balboa]

She's just gone home. Couldn't tell her.

 

[Exe Gesis]

Her womanly instincts would know something was wrong, that you're not "all there" for her. And she's probably hurting inside...as people in those situations keep attaching to attachments tho they know they're doomed. Best to just be direct, tho obviously compassionate. Just no more leading on or trying to deflect with a "it's me, i'm just not ready yet" type line.

Something like "you're a great girl and you deserve someone who truly appreciates you and has strong feelings for you" is not over the top.

 

[Sebastian Balboa]

You're a true guru, GG
Look, another aspect of her is that her sex drive is strong, 10/10 she told me, and she obv. loves it and I guess what and how I do for her is something she likes. Until now it's been a pretty dry spell for both.
I'm pretty good at not revealing a lot of how I truly feel about things so I guess I have some time on my side.

 

[Exe Gesis]

You're a true guru, GG
Look, another aspect of her is that her sex drive is strong, 10/10 she told me, and she obv. loves it and I guess what and how I do for her is something she likes. Until now it's been a pretty dry spell for both.
I'm pretty good at not revealing a lot of how I truly feel about things so I guess I have some time on my side.

Would you be uncomfortable if you and her kept things going as purely a casual sex arrangement? If she agreed to that? When a woman loves your sex, she attaches even more. That's the danger there in continuing to pretend to have feelings for her, to keep her thinking there's a relationship developing. But if you draw a line with her asap, and her being such a lover of the raw act of sex itself, I'd bet she'd be okay with a casual thing with a guy who does her so well....after she got over the initial hurt....especially if you're firm but gentle in the break-up, in explaining to her you're not completely getting rid of her, looking to retain 'friendship.'

 

[Sebastian Balboa]

Very good.
Yes, I know for a fact she's open to such an arrangement, as she's had one of those prior to me coming on to the scene. I think she wants a little more than just sex from me, however, so I have much to think about.
I'm having to go away for Xmas/New Year so perhaps that can be a fusebreaker of sorts.

 

[Scotland]

Something like "you're a great girl and you deserve someone who truly appreciates you and has strong feelings for you" is not over the top.

'You're a great girl/guy' is insulting. Right up there with '...but as a friend'. Condescending, feelgood nonsense designed to make the person saying it feel better.

My interpretation of the OP is that he's just not that into the girl in question. From what is presented there are no extenuating circumstances and that's all there is to it. The right thing to do is be up front and (genuinely, like about 0.01% of the population actually are) honest and tell her that much.

 

[Exe Gesis]

Not condescending. You want to break up but retain civility. The.aim is not to shred them of their souls and create an enemy

 

[Andronicus]

I like how relevant your post is to the one you quoted.

 

[Andronicus]

To the op, tell her to imagine for a second that you weren't together.............then tell her to get used to it, cos you aren't.

 

[Sebastian Balboa]

Couldn't do it on Sunday, and she's coming around tonight and again tomorrow night for dinner.
But her intuition seems on because she's hinted at/asked what our future is long-term. I think she's resilient enough. I just have to stop thinking with my dick!

 

[Exe Gesis]

Relationships based on sex don't last and are not meant to last.

 

[Andronicus]

Couldn't do it on Sunday, and she's coming around tonight and again tomorrow night for dinner.
But her intuition seems on because she's hinted at/asked what our future is long-term. I think she's resilient enough. I just have to stop thinking with my dick!

You could try to use it as a tool or prop. What are your ventriloquist skills like?

And thanks for the edit GG, now I look stupid.

 

[Sebastian Balboa]

Relationships based on sex don't last and are not meant to last.

Maybe I'm on the right track then.

 

[RonSon]

But seriously, she can deal with it, if you're honest and don't screw her around then there's a chance you can still see her in a less official capacity.

 

[Scotland]

Not condescending. You want to break up but retain civility. The.aim is not to shred them of their souls and create an enemy

* 'civility'. There's either an extenuating circumstance preventing you from being with someone or there isn't and you just not interested.

If the OP's girl was so "great" he wouldn't be telling us he's 5/10 on the level of interest scale and not wanting other girls to see him with her. She deserves to know the truth, as would he if the roles were reversed.

It's not about shredding anyone's soul, it's about having the decency to be honest about where thing are at. Cuddly platitudes serve no benefit.

 

[Sebastian Balboa]

Ronson, that's quite funny
Yeah, she has mentioned before she had had a NSA arrangement with someone in the past so maybe.

 

[Sebastian Balboa]

**** 'civility'. There's either an extenuating circumstance preventing you from being with someone or there isn't and you just not interested.

If the OP's girl was so "great" he wouldn't be telling us he's 5/10 on the level of interest scale and not wanting other girls to see him with her. She deserves to know the truth, as would he if the roles were reversed.

It's not about shredding anyone's soul, it's about having the decency to be honest about where thing are at. Cuddly platitudes serve no benefit.

Well, she is great, and will continue to be great... for someone else, just not for me.

 

[Scotland]

Well, she is great, and will continue to be great... for someone else, just not for me.

Regardless of how true this may be, these are hollow words to a girl coming from a guy that doesn't want her.

 

[Exe Gesis]

And thanks for the edit GG, now I look stupid.

Sorry. It was either you looking stupid or me

Nah you don't look stupid anyway.

 

[Exe Gesis]

Regardless of how true this may be, these are hollow words to a girl coming from a guy that doesn't want her.

It's a two way street anyway. Dont pretend she's innocent either. She knows he doesn't like her and she is pushing on trying to make something more of it, putting him in a tight box emotionally. Or she is just being selfish, using him for his big thick long-lasting utensil and doesn't want to let that go even knowing she doesn't even click with him.