Humour from History

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Kangaroos4eva

Kangaroos4eva

TheBrownDog
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Aug 22, 2012
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I thought l'll start a thread about the more humorous sides/parts of history (both modern and ancient), the funny stories, incidents and jokes from leaders, commoners, soldiers and the like.

chugginon You will appreciate this l suspect;).
 
This is German humour from the Second World War.

This one is from page 28 of VB Feldpost #4 (1944) and is titled "One Shall Go."

"The company is formed up and the company commander has permission to send one soldier on leave. It's a tough decision for him and he says to his troops, "Well men, the laziest among you will get leave orders. That man step forward."

Every soldier in the company takes a step forward, except for one man, who stands all alone behind his comrades. The captain asks, "Well, why don't you take a step forward?"

The soldier assumes that position of attention and says, "Because I'm just too lazy, sir."

That soldier got to go on leave."

"Two soldiers are looking at a thermometer that goes from 50 degrees celsius down to 10 below zero celsius. One soldier says to the other, "Hmm, that's a stupid thermometer, definitely won't work here in Russia. How are we supposed to tell how cold it is when the temperature goes down to 40 below zero?"

"It's really simple," says the other soldier, "You just turn the thing upside down.""
 
The day is terribly hot and it's been a long road march. The sergeant's temper is strained almost beyond reason because his troops — all greenhorns — are so lazy and unsoldierly. At a loss, the sergeant says, "What am I going to do with all you puny guys?"

One of the recruits, attempting to help his sergeant, says, "Right over there are a couple of nice shade trees, sergeant."

The sergeant finally loses his temper, "Yeah, I can see them, but I don't have any rope!"
 

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Two Landser are lying next to an artillery battery in firing position. The guns are firing constantly. During each fire pause, an officer is giving range commands: 4600 — 4800—5000 —
"What's that guy counting?" the first grenadier asks.
His buddy joshes, "He's auctioning off the cannons."
 
Kangaroos4eva said:
This is German humour from the Second World War.

This one is from page 28 of VB Feldpost #4 (1944) and is titled "One Shall Go."

"The company is formed up and the company commander has permission to send one soldier on leave. It's a tough decision for him and he says to his troops, "Well men, the laziest among you will get leave orders. That man step forward."

Every soldier in the company takes a step forward, except for one man, who stands all alone behind his comrades. The captain asks, "Well, why don't you take a step forward?"

The soldier assumes that position of attention and says, "Because I'm just too lazy, sir."

That soldier got to go on leave."
Click to expand...
If the Germans had telegraphed their troop positions like they telegraphed their punchlines, the war would have been over by Christmas 1941.
 
Two German troopers in Winter '44....one says to the other:
"In the old days we started fairy tales with "Once upon a time...",
Nowadays it's "The Wehrmacht High Command announces:...."
 
A little boy and his father are listening to the Fuhrer's speech on the radio as Germany declares war on the USA. The boy asks his father where the USA is. The father takes down a globe and runs his hand across the USA, saying "All of this area of North America, son".
The boy looks at the globe and asks "and where is the British Empire?". The father indicates Britain, Canada, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, and India on the globe.
"I see", said the boy. "And where is Russia?" The father showed him the sprawling mass of the USSR on the globe. The boy's eyebrows furrowed with concentration.
"And where is Germany?", he asks. His father points at the area of central Europe where the Reich is located. The boy looks very concerned and says "Dad, has Hitler seen this?"
 
Great idea, Kangaroos4eva :)
This is from a letter written to a mate during WW1 about sleeping arrangements

"
On the wall was printed billet 56 - 35 men. Well Henry, I went to sleep on the floor. It was kind of dark in there and I couldn't see just where I was sleeping. About 2pm, an old cow came in and laid down long side of me. She'd been out to a lawn party maybe I guess, and was kind of late about making camp. But I didn't mind her coming in late if she kept from chewing. It made me hungry to listen to her Henry. When I woke up this morning, Henry, there was one of them long haired goats that they milk laying on the foot of my bed. There was another guy sleeping opposite to me from where the cow slept and along side of him was a fat old coshone which is French for hog, Henry. After breakfast I went down to get some sleep and little while ago the owner of the place come in and starts making false motions at me like as if he's going to start an offensive or something and throw me out on my ear. Pretty soon I made out that he's going to unload a cartfull of hay into the loft and that if I don't get out the horse will walk all over my stomach. So I rolled up my blankets and here I am out here back of the henhouse or duckhouse or something writing to you. This is some war, Henry. Good bye Henry." (From Seth Bailey, Henry's Pal to Henry.
Not a joke as such but taken as true reporting :)
 
I like the old anecdote about Napoleon retuning from his disastrous Russian campaign where he lost most of his men in a bitter defeat.
He hired a Ferryman to take him across and casually asks "have many deserters come this way?"
The Ferryman replies "No emperor, you are the first"
 
Mofra said:
I like the old anecdote about Napoleon retuning from his disastrous Russian campaign where he lost most of his men in a bitter defeat.
He hired a Ferryman to take him across and casually asks "have many deserters come this way?"
The Ferryman replies "No emperor, you are the first"
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Love it.

Another one from German soldiers at Normandy.
How can you tell the difference between a German plane and an allied plane.

If it's black, it's British, if it's silver, it's American and if it's not there, it's German.
 
chugginon said:
Joke about the observation of the American bombers that were short of their targets, quite a lot.
When the RAF comes over, the Germans duck for cover
When the Luftwaffe come over the British duck for cover

When the United States Air Force fly over, Every body ducks for cover .
Click to expand...
It's interesting during the Normandy campaign, a few hundred Americans died from US carpet bombing.
 

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Kaiser in Switzerland, speaking to the Swiss defence minister in 1912.

The Swiss even then (and do now) have arguably the most effective self-defence mechanisms of any country on earth; thousands of detonable structures including cliff faces with rigged rockslides; rained and armed populace; inhospitable terrain.
The Kaiser asks what the Swiss would they do if 500,000 Germans invaded their country served by 250,000 Swiss troops.
The response "shoot twice then go home" has gone down into folklore.
 
Mofra said:
Kaiser in Switzerland, speaking to the Swiss defence minister in 1912.

The Swiss even then (and do now) have arguably the most effective self-defence mechanisms of any country on earth; thousands of detonable structures including cliff faces with rigged rockslides; rained and armed populace; inhospitable terrain.
The Kaiser asks what the Swiss would they do if 500,000 Germans invaded their country served by 250,000 Swiss troops.
The response "shoot twice then go home" has gone down into folklore.
Click to expand...
That one is as infamous as the Hun-kaiser story.


During the Boxer Rebellion, Kaiser Wilhelm II threatened the boxers that the Germans will descend upon them like the hunnic hordes. This famously became the nickname of Germans.
 
Feerits Elf said:
I'm more astonished that there have been 11 world wars!

I really need to watch the news more.
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There's only 2 world wars that hold the name in contemporary history, but there have been many wars, which have been called world wars at the time or immediately afterwards. The Napoleonic Wars and the Seven Year's War are an example of this.
 
chugginon said:
I guess writing WW11 instead of WW2 shows how old I am. I think I must be older than Horace ...:eek::D
Click to expand...
In historical academia, it's the First World War and Second World War as the proper terms, instead of WW1 and WW2 or WWI and WWII.
 
Kangaroos4eva said:
In historical academia, it's the First World War and Second World War as the proper terms, instead of WW1 and WW2 or WWI and WWII.
Click to expand...

Let's not allow accuracy of terminology to get in the way of anything posted here on Big Footy. I mean Azza actually kicked 100 goals two years in a row for the Wet Toast. We all know that.
 
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