Media Important announcement from the desk of Headless (ATTN: omgfridge)

[Headless]

Of course, the announcement isn’t actually coming from my desk, as such – it’s instead being electronically delivered via the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com. But there is an announcement, and it is significant.

At least, that’s how I explained it to my dear friend manangatang over a pleasant stroll recently. You see, manang and I often go for walks together to clear the mind. We walk, we laugh, and we eat – in my view, the three required pillars for a successful Sweet FA career.

On this particular occasion, we were strolling around a local lake. There were some swans paddling in the shallows. I’ll tell you exactly what I said to manangatang. I said:

“manangatang, I’m going to write exactly what I’m telling you presently on the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com."

mang said, “'Less, that’s honestly absolutely fine.”

And I had absolutely NO reason not to believe that. NO reason. NONE. And so I believed it, and I still do to this day.

The confidence I gained from this interaction was considerable. I started thinking that perhaps I should tell somebody about the announcement I was planning to make on the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com, and who better than my dear friend? I started to think, “I really must tell mang.”

I must.

And so I did.

You simply wouldn’t believe manangatang’s response to what I told him, so I won’t bother writing it here. This announcement is clearly significant and will affect the broader league, but I don’t want to waste your time. I want this post to be efficient, to be concise, and to be clear – or, as I refer to those qualities, the ECC principles.

Not the EGG principles, of course. No – that would be absurd. The ECC principles.

I want this post to adhere to those principles, so I’m not going to divulge what manangatang said – and you simply wouldn’t believe me, anyway.

But I told mang the announcement, and I’m going to tell you, too.

At least, that’s what I was thinking as we continued our stroll. We walked in silence for some time. I don’t want to speak on behalf of manang, but I’m personally – and spiritually – very much a man of few words. We don’t need to speak.

We don’t need to.

And so, sometimes, we don’t.

After several hours, of course, we both started wondering what was happening. Earlier, I said to mang, “I think I heard that swan – the one paddling in the shadows from earlier – squawk!”

It turns out that manangatang thought I said, “I don’t think we should talk.”

It was a hilarious mix-up, and we’re still laughing about it now.

~~~ to be continued ~~~​

 

[Headless]

So after hours of giggling on the back of our most recent hilarious mix-up, my dear friend manangatang and I finally settled down.

By “settled down”, of course, I don’t mean we were moving in a downward motion – gosh, no. We were actually quite stable in terms of stature, once you take into account the natural ebbing and flowing of the natural walking motion.

I mention walking because that’s what we were doing; we thought a good way to move on from the hilarious mix-up would be to go for a short stroll.

At least, that’s what we thought before we started the short stroll. As soon as we went outside – and I mean AS SOON AS – it started raining. If I can talk on behalf of mang, here – and I can – we were thinking something like, “oop, it’s raining!”

At least, that’s what we thought at the time.

It turns out that our dear friend Yakker was watering his yuccas next door, but was a trifle too enthusiastic in his watering.

Of course, I’m not referring to the popular dessert, here – I’m referring to the poster “Yakker” on the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com. That, and the dessert trifle.

So it turns out that it actually wasn’t raining – at least, not where we were. Statistically it’s probably quite likely that it was raining somewhere – and I mean that both literally and metaphorically.

So Yakker was watering his yuccas a trifle too enthusiastically, and splashed us as soon as we – that’s manangatang and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – went outside. And I mean AS SOON AS.

As.

Soon.

As.

I’ll tell you what happened next. My dear friend mang said to my dear friend Yak, “Yak, you simply won’t believe it.”

Yak said, “what?”

mang said, “my dear friend ‘Less has an announcement to make.”

Yak said, “sorry mate, what was that?”

mang said, “my dear friend ‘Less has an announcement to make.”

Yak said, “thanks – sorry, I was watering my yuccas a trifle too enthusiastically, and couldn’t hear the first time.”

mang said, “oh, like the dessert?”

Yak said, “yes.”

It was a hilarious mix-up, and the three of us are still laughing about it now.

~~~ to be continued ~~~​

 

[Headless]

After the yucca-related hilarity, we – that’s manangatang, Yakker and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – sat together and shared a pleasant cup of tea.

Of course, we didn’t actually share the single cup of tea – aside from obvious issues of practicality, the present environment is not conducive for tea-sharing. And by “the present environment” here, I of course mean the Christmas tree room, which is where we were sitting.

mang and I walked into Yak’s Christmas tree room, and I think it’s fair to say that we were both – literally and figuratively – gobsmacked. That is to say, Yakker smacked both our gobs with some sort of fish as we entered the room. It might have been a swordfish, but it also might not have been.

So mang and I entered the room, and mang said, “wow, Yak, I didn’t know you had a Christmas tree room.”

Yak said, “sorry mate, what was that?”

mang said, “I didn’t know you had a Christmas tree room.”

Yak said, “oh, I do – sorry, I was watering my yuccas a trifle too enthusiastically, and couldn’t hear the first time.”

mang said, “oh, like the dessert?”

Yak said, “no, this isn’t at all dessert-related.”

The tension was truly uncomfortable, and it’s difficult to explain. I’d try to describe it in more detail here, but it’s a slight tangent, and I need to get to the very important announcement on which this thread is based.

As you can imagine, the situation had at this point become untenable, so the three of us – that’s manangatang, Yakker and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – decided to go on a stroll to a local café.

I think it was called, “The Local Café”.

So we arrived, and you simply won’t believe who we saw. You just simply won’t bloody believe it.

We saw Marlowe from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com, sitting by himself in the corner and aggressively flicking a single playing card between his fingers.

We were obviously a bit intimidated – for obvious reasons – and, obviously, didn’t want to approach too obviously, which is obvious. So we – that’s manangatang, Yakker and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – instead approached cautiously.

Left foot, then right foot, then left foot, then right foot – then we stopped discussing foot preferences and walked across to Marlowe.

Marlowe was unbelievably gracious. Or, at least, that’s how he introduced himself – he said we could refer to him as “UG” for short.

Then Marlowe did something DRASTIC. He ordered four – not one, not two, not three, but FOUR – coffees. Specifically, he said – and I’m paraphrasing here – “four coffees, thanks.”

Several minutes went by, and there were some uncomfortable moments, mostly because Yakker was still watering his yuccas a trifle too enthusiastically.

Eventually – EVENTUALLY – the coffees arrived.

At least, that’s what we thought at the time.

What was actually served to us was a small tray, with four thin hats on top. Marlowe smirked a little, then looked up at the man who had served the tray, and said, “what’s all this bloody well about then, hey?”

The man said, “oh, when you ordered four skinny caps, I thought you wanted four thin hats.”

Marlowe said, “but I specifically said ‘coffee’, not ‘cap’. What sort of establishment are you running, here?”

The man said, “oh, I don’t work here.”

It was a hilarious mix-up, and the four of us are still laughing about it now.

~~~ to be continued ~~~​

 

[Headless]

Of course, this isn’t all fun and games, and the four of us – that’s manangatang, Yakker, Marlowe and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – proceeded to consume our coffees in complete silence. COMPLETE. SILENCE.

We decided to take the thin hats with us as a reminder of the jolly time we had all had together. Marlowe said – I’ll tell you what Marlowe said here – something like, “you know, this hat really isn’t that thin.” Of course, we all looked at him as though to say, “Marlowe, these are simply the thinnest hats we’ve ever seen.”

That’s how we looked at him, and I think he understood, because he then said, “you’re looking at me as though to say, ‘Marlowe, these are simply the thinnest hats we’ve ever seen.’”

We left the local café – I can now confirm that it was called “The Local Café” – and began to stroll. As you might assume, we were walking four abreast, but we were also walking for a breast; the owner of the local café (The Local Café) dared us – DARED US – to walk around the entire block four abreast. She said that she would provide us with a single uncooked chicken breast should we be successful.

So, naturally, we did our best four abreast for a breast.

But we had an issue.

Yakker’s garden hose was no longer connected to a water supply, meaning he could no longer water his yuccas – which he was, naturally, carrying – a trifle too enthusiastically. And without the enthusiastic watering, Yak wasn’t benefiting from the usual splashback.

Now, I know exactly what you’re thinking. You’re wondering why Yakker needed splashback at all. And mang was wondering the same thing, so he asked Yak about it.

mang said, “Yak, why do you need splashback at all?”

Yak said, “sorry mate, what was that?”

mang said, “why do you need splashback at all?”

Yak said, “oh, I’m just a bit warm, and benefit from the splashback in a temperature regulation sense – sorry, I was thinking about watering my yuccas a trifle too enthusiastically, and couldn’t hear the first time.”

mang said, “Yak, this is simply getting ridiculous.”

Yak said, “sorry mate, what was that?”

It was an awful time for all of us, but particularly for Yakker, who, by this time, clearly – CLEARLY – needed a different method of temperature regulation.

It was then that Marlowe produced the goods, by which I mean he offered fresh produce he had acquired from the local market. He then also suggested something fresh. Something daring. Something new.

He suggested going to the local shop – I think it was called “Kmart” – to source a handheld fan. But NOT to sauce it. He specifically said that – he said, “but NOT to sauce it.”

So we went to Kmart, and started perusing the fans. Of course, we were still four abreast at this stage, which was an absolute nightmare for the staff and other customers, but worth it for emotional support reasons.

But something was wrong. Despite mang and Marlowe suggesting different fans, Yakker was displeased. He was so displeased that he started stamping his feet in some sort of rhythmic jig – you know, the sort of jig you start when you’re displeased about the selection of fans available at Kmart after travelling there to look for another method of temperature regulation because your garden hose is no longer connected to a water supply, meaning you can’t water your yuccas a trifle too enthusiastically.

Eventually – probably after two days or so – I had had it up to pussy’s bow, and I said that to Yakker.

I said, “Yak, I’ve had it up to pussy’s bow.”

Yakker said, “mate – and we are mates – I have an issue.”

I said, “what’s the issue?”

Yak said, “I simply need the BIGGEST fan available. Give me your biggest fan.”

And so I provided Yakker with my biggest fan: BLUEALLTHRU.

BLUEALLTHRU was a little perplexed but, of course, when asked if regulating Yakker’s body temperature was in their wheelhouse, they said, “I literally have no idea what’s going on here. Please don’t tag me again.”

It was a hilarious mix-up, and the five of us – that’s manangatang, Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – are still laughing about it now.

~~~ to be continued ~~~​

 

[Headless]

Once we had all done our fair share of flippin’ and flappin’, and tippin’ and tappin’, we – that’s manangatang, Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – realised that there actually WAS a suitable fan available for Yakker, and it was perfect.

BIG TIME.

The fan included not one, but two modes: both “on”, for when the air was to be blown, and “off”, for when it wasn’t.

Yak said, “this is perfect,” and we all agreed. Aggressively.

So we found the counter to pay, and when Yak was individually counting out his coins, mang made an exclamation.

That is to say, he painted a big exclamation mark on the back of his left – his LEFT – hand. Then he exclaimed, “I’ve made an exclamation!”

But then our dear friend BLUEALLTHRU pointed across to the next counter, and said in shock, “why, isn’t that por_please_ya from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com?”

Of course, we didn’t believe BLUEALLTHRU at first. What are the chances of seeing our dear friend por_please_ya at the local Kmart? Naturally, the five of us – that’s manangatang, Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – formed a small huddle. Then we moved the small huddle to one side, for it was most inconvenient, and arranged ourselves in a small circle for ease of communication.

mang said, “Yak, is that really her?”

Yak said, “sorry mate, what was that?”

mang said, “is that really por_please_ya over there at the next counter?”

Yak said, “oh, yes, I think it is her – sorry, I was just doing the sort of rhythmic jig you do when you’re MOST pleased about the selection of fans available at Kmart after travelling there to look for another method of temperature regulation because your garden hose is no longer connected to a water supply, meaning you can’t water your yuccas a trifle too enthusiastically; I didn’t hear you the first time.”

At this point, Marlowe, who is, clearly – CLEARLY – the bravest of all of us, said, “gosh diddly darn it, I’m going to go across and ask if it’s her.”

So he went across and asked the Kmart staff member if the person at the next counter was, in fact, por_please_ya from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com. It looked as though the staff member definitely understood what that meant, but was unsure as to whether or not it truly was por_please_ya.

So Marlowe, who, as we’ve established, is clearly – CLEARLY – the bravest of all of us, went across to the woman in question and said the following. I’ll now tell you what Marlowe said.

He said, “hello.”

Of course, this is a wide-spread and conventionally accepted greeting, but the mystery woman was NOT happy about it.

She said, “hello?!?!?!?! Is that all I get? I am por_please_ya!”

She was ANGRY. And by ANGRY, I of course mean:

Amicable
Not at all aggressive
Groovy
Radical
Your typical lovely shopper

And so with that in mind, we all got along like a house on fire. Not like a literal house on fire, of course – that would be too warm, and possibly quite dangerous, depending on broader circumstances.

A genuinely lovely day ensued. I won’t bore you with the details here, as I really need to get to my very important announcement. But you should know one thing, and I’ll tell you that one thing right now.

Near the end of the day, mang said, “por_please_ya, thank you so much for joining us on this lovely day.”

And it was only then that the REAL por_please_ya – the one from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – emerged from behind a corner.

The real porps said, “I am the real porps.”

And the now mystery woman said, “I, too, am named por_please_ya, but I am not from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com. Good day to you all.”

It was a hilarious mix-up, and the six of us – that’s manangatang, Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU, por_please_ya (THE REAL ONE) and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – are still laughing about it now.

~~~ to be continued ~~~​

 

[Headless]

After a successful fan purchase, the six of us – that’s manangatang, Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU, por_please_ya and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – decided to spend the evening together, such was the enjoyment we’d experienced at Kmart and thereafter.

But we had an issue.

You see, we simply didn’t have anywhere suitable to sleep. manangatang immediately – IMMEDIATELY – suggested Yak’s present environment – the Christmas tree room. And when I say immediately, I mean it.

I mean it.

As soon as por_please_ya asked where we should sleep, mang made his suggestion. As. Soon. As.

Of course, we were all a little surprised and, honestly, Yakker seemed rattled. That is to say, he audibly rattled when mang shook him. But he put himself together enough to answer, and I’ll tell you what he said.

Yak said, “mang, my Christmas tree room simply isn’t largely enough to host six posters from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com.”

mang said, “Yak, I’m simply unbelievably sorry.”

Marlowe said, “now this – THIS – is a tense situation.”

Smartys Power said, “perhaps we should all go for a small cup of gelati to cool down.”

BLUEALLTHRU said, “our dear friend Smartys, where did you come from?”

And, honestly, I had to agree. Smartys had arrived ALMOST silently. I say almost silently here because his arrival wasn’t quite silent. It was close to being silent, but wasn’t. The silence was near, but never arrived.

You see, on his arrival, Smartys Power had produced a small “bleep” sound. If you think of Smartys saying “bleep”, you’re probably pretty close to the sound that Smartys produced on arrival.

So Smartys had arrived ALMOST silently but, importantly, not silently.

mang said, “Smartys, you arrived with such elegance and grace – they should instead call you Smartys David Gower!”

Everybody laughed, but I couldn’t deal with it. I thought to myself, “I must say something here. I must.”

And so I did.

I said, “mang, that was most humorous, but our dear friend Smartys Power actually did not arrive silently.”

mang said, “I never said he did.”

I said. “oh, I do apologise.”

mang said, “oh, please don’t – it’s an easy mistake to make.”

I started crying with embarrassment and relief. It was probably the most fluid my body had produced since the unmentionable winter of 2003. I was producing SO much fluid that Yak said something profound – something deep.

He said, “something profound – something deep.”

It was a wonderful moment – one of those moments you just know you’ll never forget. And because we were all feeling a little bit wild, Smartys brought out his iconic one-liner – the one for which he’s known across the lands.

He said, “perhaps we should all go for a small cup of gelati to cool down.”

And so we did. But after the meal, once we went to pay, por_please_ya realised that it actually wasn’t gelati we were consuming at all, but congee.

It was a hilarious mix-up, and the seven of us – that’s manangatang, Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU, por_please_ya, Smartys Power and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – are still laughing about it now.

~~~ to be continued ~~~​

 

[Headless]

Unfortunately, the gelati/congee mix-up wasn’t as harmless as first thought. por_please_ya was ANGRY, and not in the amicable/not at all aggressive/groovy/radical/your typical lovely shopper type of way.

No, porps was straight up DANG DIDDLY DISPLEASED, and she let us – that’s manangatang, Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU, Smartys Power and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – know about it.

Of course, by “let us know about it”, I mean she allowed us to access the course materials for the subject, titled PRPS1011 Introduction to por_please_ya’s Emotional Responses to Gelati/Congee-related Situations.

On reviewing the materials, it became apparent that the gelati/congee mix-up was significant.

But Marlowe simply wasn’t having it.

By “it”, I of course am referring to the gelati-cum-congee substance. Marlowe was full of it – the gelati-cum-congee, I mean – and just wasn’t going to have it any longer.

He said words to that effect. I’m paraphrasing here, but I think he said something like, “I’m not going to have it any longer.”

Of course, Smartys Power was quick to point out that, as there was actually no gelati-cum-congee substance remaining, it didn’t really matter either way. It looked as though Marlowe was expecting this response, because he rubbed his belly not once, not twice, but thrice, and gave Smartys a wink.

By “wink”, of course, I mean the moving animated clips you could send on MSN Messenger in the early to mid 2000s. That’s what Marlowe gave Smartys Power. I think it might have been the one of depicting comically large lips moving in a kissing motion.

So with that in mind, you can probably imagine the mood of the room: fever pitch excitement. It felt as though it was only a matter of time until somebody suggested something a little bit cheeky. Yakker delivered – home-caught fish, that is. But he also suggested something a little bit cheeky.

Specifically, Yak suggested we rank our favourite cracker brands. And for clarity – because I don’t want to be bogged down with pointless detail that will sidetrack me from my very big announcement on which this thread is based – I don’t mean the decorated paper mechanism typically used at celebratory occasions.

No, I mean the type of dry biscuit.

manangatang began the debate.

He said, “Ritz are the best!”

BLUEALLTHRU scoffed silently – SILENTLY – and whispered, “no, dear friend, Clix are the winners.”

It was then – and only then – that por_please_ya entered the debate, saying “Jatz, you guys.”

I said, “sorry, did you say cats2rise from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com?”

porps said, “no, I said ‘Jatz, you guys.’”

I said, “oh!”

It was a hilarious mix-up, and the eight of us – that’s manangatang, Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU, por_please_ya, Smartys Power, cats2rise and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – are still laughing about it now.

~~~ to be continued ~~~​

 

[Headless]

We – that’s manangatang, Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU, por_please_ya, Smartys Power, cats2rise and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – ended up sleeping in Yakker’s present environment. That is to say, his Christmas tree room.

He wasn’t happy about it, and he did a little rhythmic jig to show it, but he came around – by which, of course, I mean Yakker came around the corner into the Christmas tree room before bed, with Rice Krispies squares and Tang. By "Tang", I don't mean manangatang, of course – he was already in the present environment. That is to say, Yak’s Christmas tree room.

We all slept terribly. TERRIBLY.

Terribly well, that is – like a collective log.

Not a literal log, of course. Logs, unlike manangatang, Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU, por_please_ya, Smartys Power, cats2rise and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com, are not sentient.

After meeting so many new friends in such a short period of time, manangatang and I felt we needed a stroll around the local lake to clear our heads.

Of course, I’m referring here to clearing our head chefs; the two chefs from our favourite restaurant were on trial that same day, and we needed to provide evidence to clear them.

And we did – extraordinarily well.

But we also felt like we needed to freshen up, so we left our dear friends Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU, por_please_ya, Smartys Power and cats2rise from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com to tickle their whiskers in Yakker’s Christmas tree room – which they did – whilst we went for a stroll.

On our way out, mang noticed that the doorknob was a little loose. If there’s one thing mang is passionate about, it’s strolling. But he also enjoys doorknobs, so he noted this to Yakker.

mang said, “Yak, this doorknob is loose.”

Yak said, “sorry mate, what was that?”

It was a beautiful morning, with not a cloud in the sky.

At least, not a visible cloud – statistically, it was likely there was a cloud in the sky somewhere – and manangatang mused to that effect.

He said, “my dear friend ‘Less, statistically, it’s likely there is a cloud in the sky somewhere.”

And I nodded, for I, too, thought that, statistically, it was likely there was a cloud in the sky somewhere.

We did lap after lap after lap of the lake – just two friends, walking, and talking and eating (we had, of course, brought several almond croissants with us).

We eventually returned to Yakker’s present environment – that is to say, his Christmas tree room – and simply couldn’t believe what we were seeing.

We just simply couldn’t believe it.

And so we didn’t. We set off again for another lap of the lake, and the scene when we returned the second time was much more pleasant and wholesome.

You see, our friends Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU, por_please_ya, Smartys Power and cats2rise from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com were playing a game of the popular card game UNO™.

But there was one other new friend, and we – that’s manangatang and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – immediately recognised them as GWS Goose from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com.

mang said, “GWS Goose, a most pleasant surprise! I simply didn’t expect to see you here.”

And that’s when our dear friend cats2rise explained. I’ll tell you exactly what cats2rise said.

cats2rise said, “mang, when you said ‘Yak, this doorknob is loose’, Yakker thought you said, ‘Yak, make sure you play a game of the popular card game UNO™ with GWS Goose.’”

It was a hilarious mix-up, and the nine of us – that’s manangatang, Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU, por_please_ya, Smartys Power, cats2rise, GWS Goose and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – are still laughing about it now.

~~~ to be continued ~~~​

 

[Headless]

In the end, we – that’s manangatang and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – ended up joining our friends Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU, por_please_ya, Smartys Power, cats2rise and GWS Goose for a game of the popular card game UNO™, and I just don’t even know how to begin to describe the enjoyment we experienced.

I suppose I could start by typing my thoughts in this post on the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com, in this thread based on my very important announcement. And I will do that, but I will be brief, for I don’t wish to take away from my very important announcement on which this thread is based.

The enjoyment we experienced was simply thrilling – and I mean thrilling. There was one point where Smartys Power played a “Reverse” UNO™ card, disadvantaging the gameplay of GWS Goose, and it went OFF.

The milk, that is – the game went so long that the milk curdled.

And this seemed to displease GWS Goose even more than a disadvantage in gameplay caused by Smartys Power playing a “Reverse” UNO™ card.

GWS Goose was mad, and it showed. Their left – that’s their LEFT – eye started opening and closing periodically. Of course, manangatang pointed out that GWS Goose’s right eye was doing similarly, and that this motion was commonly referred to as a “wink” – and mang was right.

GWS Goose was blinking completely normally, and it just showed how ANGRY they were about their gameplay being disadvantaged by Smartys Power playing a “Reverse” UNO™ card.

As you can no doubt imagine – and you should imagine this right now – the room was full of tension.

Of course, this was mostly because Marlowe had set up a series of very tightly-strung clotheslines, from one end of the present environment – that is, Yak’s Christmas tree room, to the other side of the present environment – that is, Yak’s Christmas tree room.

por_please_ya wasn’t happy about this.

porps said, “Marlowe, those clotheslines – the ones you’ve set up here in the present environment – that is, Yak’s Christmas tree room – are simply too tightly strung. TOO. TIGHTLY. STRUNG.”

Mang said – with an extraordinarily cheeky smile – “PROVE IT.”

porps said, “Yakker, back me up here.”

Yak said, “sorry mate, what was that?”

cats2rise found this UNBELIEVABLY humorous. He said, “I find this UNBELIEVABLY humorous.” And he started doing a series of jerky movements – ostensibly in celebration.

BLUEALLTHRU said, “cats, what are you doing?”

cats2rise said, “I’m doing a series of jerky movements – ostensibly in celebration.”

But in his enthusiasm, cats2rise did something saucy.

That is to say, he accidentally – accidentally – made and packaged a niche series of small jars, each filled with a different type of hot sauce.

But he also knocked over a glass that por_please_ya had left on the table, and there was CHAOS. Absolute bloody spine-tingling chaos.

Two things happened at once: the contents of porps’ glass – that is, the table of contents outlining everything included in the glass – spread ALL OVER the bloody carpet. It was bloody, of course, for reasons that remain unknown to this day.

And in the chaos, BLUEALLTHRU – my biggest fan – also backed into Yakker’s ceiling fan Switch. That is, Yak’s Nintendo Switch, which he keeps on his ceiling fan – but BLUEALLTHRU also turned on the ceiling fan.

And due to the combination of porps’ glass being knocked over and the ceiling fan being turned on, things were going EVERYWHERE.

Marlowe said, “everything is spilling!”

Smartys Power said, “the fan is blowing everything all over the place, like a blizzard!”

mang said, “the spilth blizzard!”

I said, “the spilth blizzard?!”

I continued, “that reminds me of a poster from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com: PMBangers!”

And then – and this is the bit you won’t believe – our dear friend PMBangers appeared at the window, and said, “oh hello you cheeky devils – I’ve been here the whole time!”

It was a hilarious mix-up, and the ten of us – that’s manangatang, Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU, por_please_ya, Smartys Power, cats2rise, GWS Goose, PMBangers and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – are still laughing about it now.

~~~ to be continued ~~~​

 

[Headless]

After porps’ glass was knocked over, we all got to work on the clean-up process. You see, we – that’s manangatang, Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU, por_please_ya, Smartys Power, cats2rise, GWS Goose, PMBangers and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – are all such wonderfully close friends, and we all wanted to contribute to a clean and welcome present environment – that is, Yak’s Christmas tree room.

But there was an issue. I could tell that something was upsetting my dear friend manangatang. That is to say, I had the physical capacity to tell PMBangers – and I did.

I said, “PMBangers, something is upsetting my dear friend manangatang.”

PMBangers didn’t respond – they were too busy flittering around the room telling everybody that they were cheeky devils. Every several moments, PMBangers stopped flittering to stand up straight – and we’re talking STRAIGHT – and say, “flippity flippity flummox!” But I need to get to my very important announcement, so I won’t elaborate.

I went up to manangatang, and said, “mang, something seems to be bothering you.”

mang said, “BOTHERING me? What do you MEAN?”

I said, “to bother: (of a circumstance or event) worry, disturb, or upset (someone).”

You won’t believe what manang told me next, but I’m going to tell you anyway. He said that there was a dog saying “woof!” next door.

At least, that’s what I thought he meant.

It turns out he actually meant there was a dog saying “woof next door!”, but the dog certainly wasn’t next door. Oh, no – that would be ludicrous.

Instead, the dog was on the ROOF. That is to say, the Really Orange Oblong Floor. And, of course, he was right – the dog WAS on the Really Orange Oblong Floor, and the dog WAS saying “woof next door!”

Nobody else seemed to notice. In fact, GWS Goose was determined to make it clear to everybody that there was no dog saying “woof next door!” on the Really Orange Oblong Floor.

GWS Goose said, “hey Marlowe, guess what ISN’T on the ROOF!”

Marlowe said, “hmm, is it a small cup of gelati?”

As you can imagine, Smartys Power involuntarily said “bleep” at least 3-4 times.

GWS Goose said, “yes!”

Marlowe said, “oh, great!”

Smartys Power said, “bleep.”

Yakker said, “sorry mate, what was that?”

Smartys Power said, “bleep.”

GWS Goose said, “but there’s also something else that ISN’T on the ROOF!”

Marlowe said, “what is it?”

GWS Goose said, “a dog saying ‘woof next door!’”

manangatang said, “I’ve had it up to pussy’s BOW with this dog. The dog keeps WOOFING. The dog is such a BARKER.”

And immediately, Kennedy Parker knocked on the door, and said, “you rang?”

I had to explain to Kennedy Parker that, in fact, we had not mentioned him, and that mang had said "BARKER", not "Kennedy Parker". I had to explain that mang was displeased because he could hear a dog saying “woof next door!” after porps’ glass was knocked over following a game of the popular card game UNO™ in the present environment – that is, Yak’s Christmas tree room – where our group was sleeping after a typical gelati/congee mix-up on the back of a successful fan purchase from Kmart, which was required because Yakker no longer had a connected garden hose to water his yukkas a trifle too enthusiastically after we left the local café (The Local Café), which served very thin hats, where we went after being literally and figuratively gobsmacked, which came about because my dear friend manangatang and I went for a stroll and saw a swan.

It was not a hilarious mix-up.

But then Kennedy Parker explained that there was no dog at all, and the he was the one saying “woof next door!” all along.

It was a hilarious mix-up, and the eleven of us – that’s manangatang, Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU, por_please_ya, Smartys Power, cats2rise, GWS Goose, PMBangers, Kennedy Parker and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – are still laughing about it now.

~~~ to be continued ~~~​

 

[Headless]

As you can imagine, it us took us – that’s manangatang, Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU, por_please_ya, Smartys Power, cats2rise, GWS Goose, PMBangers, Kennedy Parker, and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – several months to truly comprehend Kennedy Parker’s announcement that he was saying “woof next door!”

Of course, we all falsely comprehended it very quickly, but several months were required to comprehend it truly. And we took that time.

For MONTHS, the eleven of us sat perfectly still, not saying a word. Smartys Power involuntarily said “bleep!” here and there, of course, but there was otherwise no noise. NONE.

And so it was grating, of course, when PMBangers did a sneeze, which is what I call a snarly wheeze. We all looked at PMBangers and, in unison, said “PMBangers, why did you just do a sneeze, which is what we call a snarly wheeze?”

PMBangers didn’t really respond, but gave a bit of a snarl. It looked like PMBangers was about to say something when, very suddenly, the light went out.

That is to say, the light physically stood up and left.

I would explain why and how a light was physically capable of this, except I’m on a very strict timeline, and need to get to the very important announcement on which this thread is based.

So PMBangers had done a snarly wheeze, and my dear friend manangatang and I looked at one another in that sort of way. You know – the sort of way you look at somebody when PMBangers does a snarly wheeze.

The unspoken insinuation was that we should remove ourselves from the situation and go for a soul-cleansing stroll. And so we did.

We got up SO QUICKLY that Smartys Power didn’t even have enough time to say “bleep!”.

I could tell that something was on my dear friend manangatang’s mind, so I asked manang a question – and I’ll tell you what I asked right now.

I said, “manang, what’s on your mind?”

The answer was terrific. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll meet some pretty terrific people, you’ll see some pretty terrific things, and then you’ll read manang’s response, which was “I have a concern.”

And after literal hours of walking and talking and laughing, I came to realise that mang’s concern wasn’t for us, as such, but for the general public.

manang mused, “the eleven of us – that’s manangatang, Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU, por_please_ya, Smartys Power, cats2rise, GWS Goose, PMBangers, Kennedy Parker, and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – are all such wonderful friends. But how will OTHERS get to appreciate the shenanigans? How will OTHERS get an insight into our wonderful friendship?”

And that’s when it hit me – the branch, that is, that I’d just walked into.

But I also realised something very, VERY important. I thought that manangatang wanted to establish some sort of viewing area in the present environment – that is, Yak’s Christmas tree room – where the general public could come and witness our shenanigans.

I asked manangatang if that’s what he had in mind, and he said “yes”, which I’ll denote with the line below.

“Yes,” said manangatang.

And I thought it was simply a wonderfully titillating idea. But I had a concern: who could possibly build such a thing?

We needed, I thought, some sort of company woman or man working on a commission instalment plan to build the viewing area in black and tan with temperature regulation provided by an industrial fan.

manangatang, of course, agreed – ALMOST aggressively – and said, “how about Barrybran [almost aggressively]?”

I said, “Barrybran? As a company woman or man working on a commission instalment plan to build the viewing area in black and tan with temperature regulation provided by an industrial fan?”

And mang said, “yes.”

So we called up Barrybran, who said he could only build the viewing area in black and silver – not black and tan.

It was a hilarious mix-up, and the twelve of us – that’s manangatang, Yakker, Marlowe, BLUEALLTHRU, por_please_ya, Smartys Power, cats2rise, GWS Goose, PMBangers, Kennedy Parker, Barrybran and Headless from the online anonymous text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – are still laughing about it now.

~~~ to be continued ~~~​

 

[Headless]

Then I woke up; it was all a dream.

 

[Headless]

Of course, I found this development to be quite surprising, and a little enthralling. I wanted to debrief with my dear friend manangatang, so that’s what I did – I debriefed with my dear friend manangatang.

I walked – or perhaps strolled – to mang’s door, and tapped not once, not twice, but thrice. manang, who had already opened the door, said “Headless, why are you tap dancing?”

I said, “it’s a simply wonderful form of exercise – good for you both physically and mentally.”

My dear friend mang said, “oh!”

I said, “would you like to go for a stroll?”

mang said, “yes, but I have the fridge open – do you mind?”

I said, “no, that doesn’t bother me at all” – and then we left for our stroll.

Of course, manangatang and I have been on strolls before. That is to say, this wasn’t our first stroll together. There were previous occasions on which we had strolled. Strolling was not new to us. And mang said exactly that.

He said, “strolling was not new to us.”

I said, “that’s an oddly tensed utterance.”

mang said, “yes, it sure will be.”

And we laughed – OH, how we laughed – at the strangely tensed utterance. By this, of course, I mean that the utterance was tense.

Uptight.

A little wound up.

And it would be understandable if you wanted to know why that was the case, but I just simply don’t have the TIME to explain, for I need to get to a very important announcement.

But just as I was about to table the announcement with my dear friend manangatang, we saw a MOST unexpected site.

It was the site where our dear friend omgfridge was standing. The MOST unexpected site was a MOST unexpected sight.

We – that’s manangatang and Headless from the anonymous online text-based football discussion forum bigfooty.com – walked up to omgfridge, and asked one simple question.

I won’t tell you what the question was, but omgfridge’s response was “ickity bickity boo!”

It was a hilarious mix-up, and we’re still laughing about it now.

~ to be continued ~​