jokes/emails

[Beausgirl43]

hehehehehehehehe

These are all classic laughs.



cheers...

 

[The Hippie]

Originally posted by Mooster7
An old couple decided to have a child by artificial insemination. The doctor gave them a bottle with a metal cap and asked them to return with a sperm sample. The next day, they returned, but the bottle was empty. "What happened?' asked the doctor. "Well," the old man said, "I tried with my left hand, and then my right hand - it didn't work. My wife tried both hands. She even used her mouth...and we still couldn't open the bottle."

Reminds me of one, Mooster.

A lady goes to a golf pro for lessons and she is hopeless, he tries to show her the right grip and teach her the swing, still hopeless, hooks, slices, air swings, toppys, the lot.
Finally in frustration he says to her 'look, just use it like you use your old mans pr1ck'.
'Crack', 200 yards, straight down the middle of the fairway.
The pro looks at her and says 'Yeah, very good. Now, take the club from out of your mouth..........'

 

[Shermanator]

Q: Why do Afgan women shave their pussies?

A: They don't like Bush!

 

[Nic]

A paediatrician, a priest and a lawyer are all aboard the Titanic. As it begins to sink the paediatrician yells out "Save the children!". The lawyer shouts back "F*ck the children!" and the priest responds "Do we have time?"

 

[Damp Squarie]

Pussy

Teacher was giving a science lesson when a tomcat jumped onto the window sill.

Takin advantage of a real live model, the Teacher asked...

"Can anybody tell me how that cats tail is attached to its body?"

Marys up shot up

"Its held on by skin and bone, miss."

"No; thats no quite right Mary." teacher says

Billys arm went up

"Its held on by fur, miss."

"No; thats no quite right Billy." teacher says

Johnnys arm went up

"Yes Johnny..."

"Well, judging by those nuts, Id say its bolted on!"

 

[The Hippie]

Teacher at school decides to give an incentive to the kids to pay attention in class.
"OK kids, from this Friday, whoever can answer a question correctly can have an early mark"
So, all the next week, the kids pay attention and are learning. Friday lunch time comes and the kids are all waiting for the question.
"Right, whoever can answer this question can go home. How many rivets are there in the Sydney Harbour bridge?"
The kids are all stumped, so noone gets an early mark.

The following Friday lunch time comes around and the teacher says "Whoever answers this question correctly can go home. How many tiles are there on the Sydney Opera House?"
The kids are stumped again and noone gets the early mark.

Over the the Weekend, little Johnny thinks 'I'm gonna get this bitch', so on the Thursday night, he paints two tennis balls black and puts them in his bag on Friday morning.
Friday lunchtime rolls around and the teacher says to the kids "OK, whoever can answer this question correctly can go home early"
Before she can ask the question, little Johnny reahes into his bag and he rolls the two black tennis balls toward the front of the class.
"OK, who's the comedian with the big black balls?"
Johnny jumps up and says "Eddie Murphy. See ya on Monday morning"

 

[kristin5]

> A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
>
> The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
>
> "No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
>
> The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
>
> Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically"
>
> The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
>
> "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
>
> The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
>
> Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
> _____________________________________________________________________
>
> Six friends - two couples and two gay guys were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
>
> First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny. I condemn you to hell for eternity."
>
> Then came the second straight guy and his wife. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy! I condemn you to hell for eternity."
>
> The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, D i c k."
> _____________________________________________________________________
>
> A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies.
> "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.
> She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
> Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she
nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
> When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?"
> "Your horse phoned."
>
>

 

[Beausgirl43]

LOL



cheers..