> A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
>
> The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
>
> "No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
>
> The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
>
> Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically"
>
> The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
>
> "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
>
> The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
>
> Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
> _____________________________________________________________________
>
> Six friends - two couples and two gay guys were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
>
> First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny. I condemn you to hell for eternity."
>
> Then came the second straight guy and his wife. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy! I condemn you to hell for eternity."
>
> The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, D i c k."
> _____________________________________________________________________
>
> A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she replies.
> "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.
> She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
> Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she
nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
> When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?"
> "Your horse phoned."
>
>