Jokes: the good, the absolute putrid and the ugly

Discussion in 'Collingwood' started by Anzacday, Jan 28, 2015.

Put it out there
  1. Anzacday

    Anzacday Poster First, Mod Second.

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    Or is that Chocolatiers?
     
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  2. Old Spice

    Old Spice Norm Smith Medallist

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    Boom tish.
     
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  3. ottoman

    ottoman Norm Smith Medallist

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    Oh no. Don't tell me you just said that.
     
  4. DERKADERRR

    DERKADERRR Team Captain

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    I tried to catch some fog today, but I mist.....
     
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  5. Old Spice

    Old Spice Norm Smith Medallist

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    I walked into a bar last night with a roll of tarmac under my arm and ordered a beer for me and one for the road.
     
  6. DERKADERRR

    DERKADERRR Team Captain

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    My mate came up to me the other day and said, "As a young boy was your mother very strict?"
    I replied, "Let me get one thing absolute clear, my mother was never a young boy."
     
  7. Old Spice

    Old Spice Norm Smith Medallist

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    I saw two cannibals eating a clown last week. One of them said 'Does this guy taste funny to you?'
     
  8. ottoman

    ottoman Norm Smith Medallist

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    What is invisible and smells like carrots?
    Rabbit farts.
     
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  9. DERKADERRR

    DERKADERRR Team Captain

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    This bloke I met has a butler with his left arm missing, serves him right!
     
  10. ottoman

    ottoman Norm Smith Medallist

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    lol.
     
  11. Old Spice

    Old Spice Norm Smith Medallist

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    did you hear about the cannibal who ate his mother-in-law. She didn't agree with him.
     
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2015
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  12. Mr Bombastic

    Mr Bombastic Club Legend

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    Ok let me have a crack at a joke.

    Carlton
     
  13. Old Spice

    Old Spice Norm Smith Medallist

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    A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with robbery on two counts.
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2015
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  14. Anzacday

    Anzacday Poster First, Mod Second.

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    I was expecting a comment from you!
     
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  15. Hagla

    Hagla Club Legend

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    I was at a poetry competition the other day in Darwin. The two finalists were a Yale student and a typical Darwin redneck. Both contestants were given a word, then they'd have 2 minutes to come up with a Poem. The word they were given was Timbuktu.

    First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

    Slowly across the desert sand
    Trekked a lonely caravan.
    Men on camels, two by two
    Destination---Timbuktu.

    The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

    Tim and I, we camped and went,
    We spied three women in a fly screen tent.
    Since they were three and we were two,
    I bucked one and Tim bucked two!

    The redneck won hands down!
     
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  16. Obese Arachnid

    Obese Arachnid Banned by Kardinia Park

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    "Alex, i'll take phrases I'ld never say for $1000 thanks."
     
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  17. Old Spice

    Old Spice Norm Smith Medallist

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    Reading a book on the history of glue - can't put it down.
     
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  18. Smoky

    Smoky Brownlow Medallist

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    Does anyone know why Carlton supporters make their wedding cakes out of Poo?



    It keeps the flies off the bride.
     
  19. Ricky90

    Ricky90 Club Legend

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    What's the difference between VISY Park and a cactus?

    A cactus has it's pricks on the outside.
     
  20. Obese Arachnid

    Obese Arachnid Banned by Kardinia Park

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    Salty Malty has been talking the Blewboys up but is he really that confident?

    He was recently spied purchasing the below.

    [​IMG]
     
  21. Reykjavik

    Reykjavik Club Legend

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    A length of rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "get out, we don't serve ropes in here!" The rope goes outside and cuts himself in half and ties his two sections together. Not pleased with his appearance, he takes a comb and combs out his ends. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says "hey, aren't you that rope I just kicked out?" And the rope replied "no, I'm a frayed knot."
     
  22. Maggie5

    Maggie5 Premium Gold

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    Took me a few seconds but :thumbsu:
     
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  23. Maggie5

    Maggie5 Premium Gold

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    It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

    Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
    There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
     
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  24. Ricky90

    Ricky90 Club Legend

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    Sorry in advance for this one...

    I remember as a little boy on Christmas eve, lying in bed with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.

    Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
     
  25. Reykjavik

    Reykjavik Club Legend

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    A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
    "No thanks, I'm traveling light."