Jokes: the good, the absolute putrid and the ugly

Discussion in 'Collingwood' started by Anzacday, Jan 28, 2015.

Put it out there
  1. Sunbot

    Sunbot Club Legend

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    The fourth wise man was locked out of the manger - he brought a fruitcake
     

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  2. ottoman

    ottoman Norm Smith Medallist

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    Many of these jokes remind me of what my grandfather said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
    He said "Ottoman, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
     
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  3. Thirteen

    Thirteen Team Captain

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    How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

    Pick it up, and suck its cock
     
  4. ottoman

    ottoman Norm Smith Medallist

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    What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
    "Sh*t, where is my tractor"
     
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  5. PTpie

    PTpie Team Captain

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    ottoman and I were driving in to a Pies game last year when I noticed a sheep stuck in a barbed wire fence on the side of the road. I said to him "I'm going to have a crack at this mate" and hopped out of the car and had sex with the sheep. I stepped back, looked at ottoman and said "your turn mate" so he walked up and stuck his head in the fence....
     
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  6. Hagla

    Hagla Club Legend

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  7. McGuanes Seven

    McGuanes Seven Senior List

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    Two Carlton supporters come out of the MCG very drunk after the Pies gave them another flogging. One of them vomits covering a little dog which was walking past. The other one looks down at it and says, "I don't remember you eating that"
     
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  8. ottoman

    ottoman Norm Smith Medallist

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    The following conversation takes place between PTpie and his father.

    Dad: Hey son you want to hear a joke
    PTpie: Sure dad
    Dad: Pussy!
    PTpie I don't get it
    Dad Exactly
     
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  9. McGuanes Seven

    McGuanes Seven Senior List

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    A couple of Carlton players are at MM's place for dinner. Murphy lets out a silent but deadly. MM sniffs the air, looks under the table and sees his dog. "Daisy! Get outta there!" He shouts. Emboldened, Murph lets another one go. MM lifts up the table cloth again "Daisy! get the hell outta there!! Oh, the humanity!" Murph now sees he can do no wrong at MM's home either and lets fly with a very loud sloppy and unpleasant fart. "Oh my god, Daisy!" shouts Mick, "get the hell out of there before Murphy craps all over you!"
     
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  10. ottoman

    ottoman Norm Smith Medallist

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    A baby seal walks into a club.
     
  11. Boris the Contradiction

    Boris the Contradiction Premiership Player

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    Look at you. Perpetuating a stereotype to give the most emotionally battered men in here enough confidence to call their wives on their way home, to ask for a sandwich. They don't know what's about to happen. Quite sadistic....


    I like it!
     
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  12. Boris the Contradiction

    Boris the Contradiction Premiership Player

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    Why didn't the orphan play baseball?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Because he didn't know where home was.


    runs and hides....
     
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  13. Hagla

    Hagla Club Legend

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    What?
     
  14. ottoman

    ottoman Norm Smith Medallist

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    A garbo is working his route which includes Melbourne's Chinatown.
    He walks into one of the restaurants and says to the manager
    "Where is your bin"
    Manager. "I been to Hong Kong"
    Garbo: "No, no. Where is your wheelie bin"
    Manager "I really been to Hong Kong"
     
  15. Magpie Girl

    Magpie Girl Community Organiser

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    This is one of your better ones for the day:)
     
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  16. Ricky90

    Ricky90 Club Legend

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    I've been fighting the urge to say this one that I remember from my childhood. It's pretty bad but it's all I can think of at the moment so until I get it out there I don't think I'll be able to contribute anything else. Here goes.

    There's a hill with a toilet on top, one man walking up to the toilet, one man in the toilet and one man walking down from the toilet. What are their nationalities?

    The one walking up is Russian. The one in the toilet is Papuan. And the one leaving is Finnish.

    Sorry.
     
  17. Hagla

    Hagla Club Legend

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    I reckon that joke would sound better if you replaced is with was like this:-

    The one walking up was Russian. The one in the toilet was Papuan. And the one leaving was Finnish.

    Edit - maybe it doesn't make a difference really, just sounds better in my head with a was haha.

    Double Edit - I guess if you make it was like I suggested you'd have to put the rest of the joke in past tense as well.
     
  18. ottoman

    ottoman Norm Smith Medallist

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    A guy takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
    "My dog is cross eyed. What can I do"
    The vet says "Let me have a look" and he goes over and picks up the dog and starts examining its eyes.
    After a while the Vet says to the man "I am going to have to put your dog down"
    "Why? Because he is cross eyed?"
    "No" says the vet. "Because he is really heavy"
     
  19. Ricky90

    Ricky90 Club Legend

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    Haha, sounds just as bad either way I reckon.
     
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  20. Ricky90

    Ricky90 Club Legend

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    Edit. That one will get me banned.

    Double edit - try this:

    Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.
    "Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."
     
  21. ottoman

    ottoman Norm Smith Medallist

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    A guy calls the RSPCA and informs them he has found a suitcase in the woods and there is a fox and four cubs in it.
    "Are they moving?" asks the lady from the RSPCA.
    The man says "I am not sure, but I guess that would explain the suitcase"
     
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  22. Gone Critical

    Gone Critical Moderator

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    A horse walks into a bar
    Bar man turns to him and says "whats with the long face"
     
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  23. Gone Critical

    Gone Critical Moderator

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    Did you hear about the man who drowned in his bowl of muesli

    Pulled under by a strong currant
     
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  24. Gone Critical

    Gone Critical Moderator

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    A rarely known fact is no one living in Kew is allowed to be buried in the Kew cemetery

    They have to be dead 1st.
     
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  25. Gone Critical

    Gone Critical Moderator

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    Man walks into an empty bar and orders a beer

    Suddenly hears a voice telling him how attractive and intelligent he is

    Looks around and sees no one

    Says to the barman "did you just say something"

    Barman says "no"

    Man says " that's funny I could swear I could hear a voice saying really nice things about me but nobody else is here"

    Barman " that would be the nuts, they're complimentary "