Jokes: the good, the absolute putrid and the ugly

Discussion in 'Collingwood' started by Anzacday, Jan 28, 2015.

Put it out there
  1. speedytiger

    speedytiger Club Legend

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    Why did the wombat take toilet paper to the club?


    He was a party-pooper
     

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  2. ppoiter

    ppoiter Premium Platinum

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    [Mod edit] A bit too far ... Compromises our PG rating ;) [/mod edit]
     
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  3. Bay Pie

    Bay Pie Brownlow Medallist

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    A fella walked into a Cinema with his pet lizard on his shoulder. The attendant said "sorry, you can't bring pets in here". The fella, quite annoyed, couldn't just leave his lizard outside as it'd run away, decided to shove it down his pants to hide it, then in he walks unchecked.

    While in the Cinema, he sits next to a couple. After a while the lady looks over and says to her partner "the bloke next to me has his prick out". The partner says " don't worry about it, if you've seen one, you've seen them all".
    "but" the lady says "this ones eating my popcorn".
     
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  4. Vicky Park

    Vicky Park Moderator

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    At last a toilet joke!
     
  5. Yezeha

    Yezeha Team Captain

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    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    John.

    John who?

    John broke down into tears as his mother, who had been diagnosed with ahlzeimer's, had completely forgotten him.
     
  6. Yezeha

    Yezeha Team Captain

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    Why did the girl's ice cream melt?

    She was on fire.
     
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  7. Yezeha

    Yezeha Team Captain

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    Why did the boy drop his lollipop?

    He was hit by a truck.
     
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  8. ppoiter

    ppoiter Premium Platinum

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    Yeah sorry :oops:
     
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  9. Pedro

    Pedro Premium Platinum

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    Why'd the koala fall out of the tree

    Coz it was dead
     
  10. Pedro

    Pedro Premium Platinum

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    Just got pulled over by a female Police Officer. I asked her what was wrong. She said "nothing"
     
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  11. Reykjavik

    Reykjavik Club Legend

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    A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

    The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

    The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

    The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

    The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

    The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

    The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

    The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

    The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

    The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
     

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  12. Smoky

    Smoky Brownlow Medallist

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    You know what they say about Carlton people...


    99.9% of them give the rest of them a bad name.
     
  13. Pedro

    Pedro Premium Platinum

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    What do you call an Indian man standing on one leg?

    Balan Singh
     
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  14. Pedro

    Pedro Premium Platinum

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    Little Billy was in math class and the teacher asked, 'If there are 4 birds on a telephone wire, and the farmer shoots one of them off, how many are left?' Little Billy raises his hand and the teacher calls on him, 'Yes Billy?' Little Billy says 'Zero! Because when the farmer shoots the other birds will fly away!' The teacher says, 'Actually, the answer is 3, but I like the way you think.' Now this got little Billy steamed. He knows what happens when you shoot a gun around birds so plots to get his teacher back.

    At recess, little Billy approaches his teacher. He says to his teacher, 'Teacher, can I ask you something?' She says 'Sure Billy, what is it?' He says, well you see those 3 girls across the street eating ice cream?' She says, 'Yes.' Little Billy says, the first one is just nibbling at it a bit, the second one is licking the sides and the third one is gobbling it down. Which one is married?' The teacher is a bit perplexed but says, 'I guess it's the one gobbling it down.' Little Billy says, 'No, it's the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think!'
     
  15. McGuanes Seven

    McGuanes Seven Senior List

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    A Carlton player is on an end of season trip and sits next to a couple of young girls having a quiet drink in a Bangkok bar. They try to ignore him but he pulls down his pants to get a reaction. "Ohhhllmygod!" exclaims one of the girls, staring with wide eyes and holding both her hands to her face "....ooooo! Look at the pee-pee!"

    Emboldened and now feeling smug, blue boy says "Yep, but in Australia, sweetie, it's called a c**k"

    "No" says he girl, "I've seen plenty of c**k....that's a pee-pee"
     
  16. ottoman

    ottoman Norm Smith Medallist

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    Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
    Paddy says to Murphy. "I need to have a day off. I am going to pretend I am mad and get a day off"
    So he climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and starts screaming "LOOK AT ME I AM A LIGHTBULB. I AM A LIGHTBULB"
    The foreman sees this and shouts out "Paddy your mad. Go home"
    A few minutes later Murphy starts packing his stuff to leave as well.
    The foreman says "Where the hell do you think you're going"
    Murphy says "Well I can't very well work in the dark can I"
     
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  17. Hagla

    Hagla Club Legend

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    A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells "We got him!"
     
  18. Hagla

    Hagla Club Legend

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    I had an argument with my missus earlier so I decided to go for a jog while we cooled off, as I was leaving she called out "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get a dozen."

    I came home with 12 loaves of bread and she's still pissed off with me. How was I meant to know she meant a bakers dozen?
     
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  19. ottoman

    ottoman Norm Smith Medallist

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    A young boy enters a barbers shop.
    The barber whispers into a customers ear "See this kid, he is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch I will prove it"
    The barber buts a dollar in one hand and two 20 cent coins in the other. He puts out his hands to the kid and says "hey son which one do you want" The kid grabs the two 20 cent coins and runs out of the shop. The barber looks at his customer and says "see what I mean, the kid never learns"
    Later the customer is walking along the street and he sees the kid coming out of an ice cream shop.
    "Hey kid! Mind if I ask you a question. Why did you take the two 20 cent coins instead of the dollar"
    The boy answers
    "The day I take the dollar the game will be over"
     
  20. McGuanes Seven

    McGuanes Seven Senior List

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    Two Carlton players don't have their contracts renewed and are wandering country Victoria looking for work.

    They pass a timber mill with a sign saying "work available for tree fellers"

    "No good Murph" says Kreuzer, " there's only two of us"
     
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  21. Hagla

    Hagla Club Legend

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    What do Carlton fans use for birth control?

    Their personalities.
     
  22. ottoman

    ottoman Norm Smith Medallist

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    A Linguistic professor at Melbourne University is giving a lecture.
    "A double negative in the English language forms a positive. However in some languages a double negative remains a negative such as in Russian. However there is no language in the world where a double positive can express a negative"
    A voice from the back of the room yells out "Yeah, right"
     
  23. Prestigerrycomo

    Prestigerrycomo Premiership Player

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    Q:What did the blind, quadraplegic, deaf, mute orphan get for Christmas?












    A: Cancer
     
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  24. Alexander323bc

    Alexander323bc Club Legend

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    Husband comes home and yells out "honey pack the bags!"
    Where are we going? says his wife
    I don't care where you are going but I just won the lottery.
     
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  25. Alexander323bc

    Alexander323bc Club Legend

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    Jim and bob are talking
    J every time I come home from a night out with the boys I roll the car in the driveway take my shoes outside get changed downstairs walk up quietly into our bedroom with the lights out and my wife always wakes up and gives me a spray! Don't know what to do!
    B: mate you have it all wrong! Every time I come in screeching in to the driveway slam all doors turn on all the lights while getting changed, jump in bed slap her on the arse and say "how about some love?"
    J: so what does she say?
    B: she is always pretending she is sleeping!