Jokes: the good, the absolute putrid and the ugly

Discussion in 'Collingwood' started by Anzacday, Jan 28, 2015.

Put it out there
  1. gutsroy

    gutsroy Norm Smith Medallist

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    Not a joke, but one for the fans of 'Eats, Shoots and Leaves':
    [​IMG]
     

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  2. Boris the Contradiction

    Boris the Contradiction Premiership Player

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    Haha. On re-reading I'm asking myself the same question. But be fair, I told a couple of proper putrid ones. I'm giving myself a B+ for this thread. I am of course authorised to do this.
     
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  3. gutsroy

    gutsroy Norm Smith Medallist

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    What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!
     
  4. gutsroy

    gutsroy Norm Smith Medallist

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    Took me three reads, but I got there in the end :)
     
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  5. HospitalBalls

    HospitalBalls Debutant

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    Q: What will they call Bob the builder when he retires?



    A: Bob.
     
  6. HospitalBalls

    HospitalBalls Debutant

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    Q: what happens if you piss inside a condom?



    A: you get a wet willy.
     
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  7. ottoman

    ottoman Premiership Player

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    A lady gets on a bus with her baby.
    The bus driver looks at the baby and says "ahhh, that's the ugliest baby I have ever seen in my life"
    The woman walks to the back of the bus, her anger is apparent on her face. The guy sitting next to her asks what the problem is.
    "The bus driver just insulted me she says"
    "Well you should go up there and tell him off. Don't let him get away with it. Go on you go tell him off. I will hold your monkey for you"
     
  8. Anzacday

    Anzacday Poster 1st, Mod 2nd.

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    What's an Australian kiss?
    The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
     
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  9. ottoman

    ottoman Premiership Player

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    I was wondering when you were going to make an appearance.
     
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  10. Anzacday

    Anzacday Poster 1st, Mod 2nd.

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    You've scared me off by posting so many, (good and bad)
     
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  11. motr

    motr Club Legend

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    What do you call a kiwi with one leg? Not even, Bro.
     
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  12. speedytiger

    speedytiger Club Legend

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    What do you say to a Jewish Kiwi?


    Hebrew
     
  13. motr

    motr Club Legend

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    How do kiwi's find sheep in long grass? Very alluring.
     
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  14. Anzacday

    Anzacday Poster 1st, Mod 2nd.

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    A bloke walking down the street notices a sign saying "come climb the ladder to success" and a ladder leading up to a manhole.
    He climbs the ladder pushes open the manhole and there's another ladder so he starts climbing.
    He's climbing & climbing & climbing and hits another manhole, he pushes open the manhole & there's another ladder.
    He's climbing & climbing & climbing and hits another manhole, he pushes open the manhole & there's another ladder.
    He's climbing & climbing & climbing and hits another manhole.
    He pushes open the manhole & there's a man standing there waving with a big smile on his face he says "Hi I'm Cess".
     
  15. jjsmitty8

    jjsmitty8 Premium Gold

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    A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he noticed a man crouching behind a gravestone.

    "Morning", he said.

    The other man replies "no, just having a shit."
     
  16. ottoman

    ottoman Premiership Player

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    I went to the corner shop yesterday and bought 3 corners
     
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  17. Ricky90

    Ricky90 Club Legend

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    The missus asked me this morning to go down to Officeworks and grab some bubble wrap.

    I got back and said to her, "where do you want this bubble wrap?"

    "Just pop it in the corner over there," she replied.

    Which was fun but apparently not what she asked me. Made for an afternoon of ups and downs.
     
  18. ottoman

    ottoman Premiership Player

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    A lady gives birth to twins but unfortunately due to her circumstances at the time she has to give them up for adoption.
    One of the kids is adopted by an Egyptian couple and is named "Amal", the other is adopted by a Spanish couple and is named "Juan"
    Many years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. His mum is delighted to get the picture but there also seems to be some sadness.
    "What's the matter?" asks her husband.
    "I wish I could get a picture from Amal as well" she says.
    "Don't worry love, they're twins. Once you have seen Juan you've seen Amal"
     
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  19. ottoman

    ottoman Premiership Player

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    A priest, an Irishman, Little Johnny and a horse walk into a bar
    The barman says "Is this some kind of joke"
     
  20. DRIZZT

    DRIZZT All Australian

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    What did the mexican firefighter call his twin sons???
    Jose a and jose b.
     
  21. Bay Pie

    Bay Pie Brownlow Medallist

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    A comedian is standing on stage when he calls out to the audience, "Anyone have a knock, knock joke?"
    A drunk in the crowd stands up and says "Knock, Knock"
    The comedian replies "who's there?"
    The drunk says "Garn"
    The comedian replies "Garn who?"
    The drunk says "Garn get f***ed"
    The comedian, feeling a little miffed, just shakes his head and asks again "Anyone got a knock, knock joke?"
    The drunk again stands up and just yells " Knock, knock"
    The comedian, hoping for something better, replies "who's there?"
    The drunk giggles with "Garn"
    The comedian, a little apprehensive, replies "Garn who?"
    The drunk slurs out "Garn get f***ed"
    The comedian is now a bit irritated and looks to the rest of the crowd for a knock, knock joke.
    The Drunk just yells uninvited "knock knock"
    The comedian ignores him but the crowd has gone somewhat silent
    The drunk again yells "knock, knock"
    The comedian says "anyone else got a knock, knock joke?"
    The drunk now screams out "knock, f***en knock"
    The comedian gives in, just to get rid of this pest before he moves onto another gig. "Who's there?"
    "Mary" says they drunk.
    The comedian breathing a sigh of relief says " Mary who?"
    The drunk says "Garn get f***ed"
     
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  22. ottoman

    ottoman Premiership Player

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    A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey.
    After he finishes the shot he looks into his pocket then orders another shot.
    This goes on for a while. Each time before he orders his next shot he looks into his pocket.
    Finally the bartender asks him why he keeps looking in his pocket.
    "I've got a photo on my wife in there" explains the man, "as soon as she starts looking good I will go home"
     
  23. jjsmitty8

    jjsmitty8 Premium Gold

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    I didn't realise we were sharing personal stories. I thought this was a jokes thread :p
     
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  24. motr

    motr Club Legend

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    Talking about grandfathers kicking the bucket. I want to die like grandpa, peacefully in my sleep. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
     
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  25. ottoman

    ottoman Premiership Player

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    lol. Brilliant