Jokes: The Good, The Bad and The Really Bad

[Sea Bird]

Heard this from a busker the other day:

Did you hear about the psychic midget that escaped from prison?

...apparently there is a short medium at large

 

[DERKADERRR]

Yesterday I saw an ad that said "Radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"
I thought, "I can't turn that down".

 

[jathanas]

An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.

 

[Anzacday]

An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Now that made me laugh

 

[Gungadin]

2 Jewish fellas, Isaac and Hymie were walking along together on the way to the synagogue, when laying on the footpath Hymie notices a pay packet with cash inside. Hymie picks up the pay packet and counts the money, to which Isaac exclaims, Hymie your so lucky $500. To which Hymie replies, lucky bullshit look at the tax I'm paying.

 

[Tradethefarm]

What's the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the floor?

Ptuiiiiii

 

[Anzacday]

What's the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the floor?

Ptuiiiiii

I remember him.

 

[Smoky]

Why do they make Carlton Wedding cakes out of Poo?


To keep the flies off the bride

 

[Smoky]

Whats the difference between a 40 year old Richmond Supporter and a Couch?

A Couch can support a whole Family!

 

[Smoky]

What the difference between a Western Bulldogs Supporter and a Large Pizza?

A Pizza can feed a Family of 4.

 

[DERKADERRR]

So I was at this darts competition the other day to support one of my friends.
Half way through the comp he came up to me and asked “Why did you put superglue on my dart?”
I said, “You just can’t let it go can you”.

 

[Tradethefarm]

Victoria leads the country in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.

 

[Saintly Viewed]

From the late great Don Rickles about Frank Sinatra

ON FRANK SINATRA
“When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.”

 

[Saintly Viewed]

What do you call a person who can't bare seeing someone without feet ?

Lack toes intolerant.

 

[Saintly Viewed]

The party’s host paid a great compliment.

“You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.”

The glow was dimmed when the husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”

 

[Saintly Viewed]

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked for a dozen bread rolls.

“Your wife must like rolls,” he said.

“How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.

“Because your mother would never send you out in weather like this.”

 

[Saintly Viewed]

I poured root beer in a square glass.

Now I just have beer.

For you jmac70

 

[Saintly Viewed]

What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws?

Only one is wanted.

 

[Saintly Viewed]

Never judge people until you walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you judge them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.

 

[Saintly Viewed]

Young couple get married many years ago.
The wedding night, the groom is very timid.

"I've not done this before, what do I do?" He said nervously.
"No worries, just give me $20 and leave it all to me" she replies confidently.

Well over many years, each time he hands her the cash, before the business, because no money no honey.

Many years later, the old couple are driving.
The old groom says "I'm a bit worried about our impending retirement."
"Don't worry honey, we have plenty.... let me show you" the old lady says.

She takes him on the drive and shows him a block of flats, a few apartments and a factory.

"They're all ours, we have all this rental income coming in now" she squeals in delight.
"But how, what, why, how did this all happen, I thought we used all our salary to ensure our mortgage was fully paid off?"

"Honey, honey, all these years, every time you got amouress, every time you'd give me $20, and then the price went up it became $50, then $100, every time I'd put it aside and buy property."

The husband gasped in shock
"Oh dear me, if I only knew.... that you were so good with money, I'd have given you all my business."

 

[Maggie5]

This could sit quite comfortably in several other threads.

 

[cakewalk06]

A seal walked into a club

 

[Collingwood 4 eternity]

The road painting crew supervisor gave the new guy Paddy the job of painting the white lines on the road.

After a few days the supervisor called Paddy in to ask about his declining work productivity.

He asked Paddy why on his first day he was able to paint lines on the road for 10 km , then on his second day he only managed to paint 6 km and on his third day he only painted 3 km , saying to Paddy your painting less and less each day.

Paddy looked at the supervisor and said "well the tin of paint is getting further away"

 

[Collingwood 4 eternity]

The local fire brigade was called out to a local townhouse fire.

Upon arriving the they saw that Seamus was trapped on the second floor and leaning out of the window.

The fire chief saw that his friend Seamus was trapped and with the other firemen grabbed a large blanket with the intention to get him to jump and land in safely in it.

The firemen all set up under the window and the fire chief yelled up at Seamus , "Jump and we'll catch you in this blanket"

Seamus looked down and shook his head , and said "Ohk sure I know you , as soon as I jump you'll pull the blanket away , put the blanket on the ground and then I'll jump"

 

[Tradethefarm]

If you are being chased by taxidermists don't try playing dead