Jokes: the good, the absolute putrid and the ugly

Discussion in 'Collingwood' started by Anzacday, Jan 28, 2015.

Put it out there
  1. Sea Bird

    Sea Bird Debutant

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    Heard this from a busker the other day:

    Did you hear about the psychic midget that escaped from prison?

    ...apparently there is a short medium at large
     
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  2. DERKADERRR

    DERKADERRR Team Captain

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    Yesterday I saw an ad that said "Radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"
    I thought, "I can't turn that down".
     
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  3. jathanas

    jathanas Club Legend

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    An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.
     
  4. Anzacday

    Anzacday Moderator

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    Now that me laugh
     
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  5. Gungadin

    Gungadin Premium Gold

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    2 Jewish fellas, Isaac and Hymie were walking along together on the way to the synagogue, when laying on the footpath Hymie notices a pay packet with cash inside. Hymie picks up the pay packet and counts the money, to which Isaac exclaims, Hymie your so lucky $500. To which Hymie replies, lucky bullshit look at the tax I'm paying.
     
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  6. Tradethefarm

    Tradethefarm Debutant

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    What's the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the floor?

    Ptuiiiiii
     
  7. Anzacday

    Anzacday Moderator

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    I remember him.
     
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  8. Smoky

    Smoky Brownlow Medallist

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    Why do they make Carlton Wedding cakes out of Poo?


    To keep the flies off the bride
     
  9. Smoky

    Smoky Brownlow Medallist

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    Whats the difference between a 40 year old Richmond Supporter and a Couch?

    A Couch can support a whole Family!
     
  10. Smoky

    Smoky Brownlow Medallist

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    What the difference between a Western Bulldogs Supporter and a Large Pizza?

    A Pizza can feed a Family of 4.
     
  11. DERKADERRR

    DERKADERRR Team Captain

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    So I was at this darts competition the other day to support one of my friends.
    Half way through the comp he came up to me and asked “Why did you put superglue on my dart?”
    I said, “You just can’t let it go can you”.
     
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  12. Tradethefarm

    Tradethefarm Debutant

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    Victoria leads the country in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.
     
  13. Saintly Viewed

    Saintly Viewed Premium Platinum

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    From the late great Don Rickles about Frank Sinatra

    ON FRANK SINATRA
    “When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.”
     
  14. Saintly Viewed

    Saintly Viewed Premium Platinum

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    What do you call a person who can't bare seeing someone without feet ?

    Lack toes intolerant.
     
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  15. Saintly Viewed

    Saintly Viewed Premium Platinum

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    The party’s host paid a great compliment.

    “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.”

    The glow was dimmed when the husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”
     
  16. Saintly Viewed

    Saintly Viewed Premium Platinum

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    Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked for a dozen bread rolls.

    “Your wife must like rolls,” he said.

    “How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.

    “Because your mother would never send you out in weather like this.”
     
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  17. Saintly Viewed

    Saintly Viewed Premium Platinum

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    I poured root beer in a square glass.

    Now I just have beer.

    For you jmac70
     
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  18. Saintly Viewed

    Saintly Viewed Premium Platinum

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    What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws?

    Only one is wanted.
     
  19. Saintly Viewed

    Saintly Viewed Premium Platinum

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    Never judge people until you walk a mile in their shoes.

    That way, when you judge them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.
     
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  20. Saintly Viewed

    Saintly Viewed Premium Platinum

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    Young couple get married many years ago.
    The wedding night, the groom is very timid.

    "I've not done this before, what do I do?" He said nervously.
    "No worries, just give me $20 and leave it all to me" she replies confidently.

    Well over many years, each time he hands her the cash, before the business, because no money no honey.

    Many years later, the old couple are driving.
    The old groom says "I'm a bit worried about our impending retirement."
    "Don't worry honey, we have plenty.... let me show you" the old lady says.

    She takes him on the drive and shows him a block of flats, a few apartments and a factory.

    "They're all ours, we have all this rental income coming in now" she squeals in delight.
    "But how, what, why, how did this all happen, I thought we used all our salary to ensure our mortgage was fully paid off?"

    "Honey, honey, all these years, every time you got amouress, every time you'd give me $20, and then the price went up it became $50, then $100, every time I'd put it aside and buy property."

    The husband gasped in shock
    "Oh dear me, if I only knew.... that you were so good with money, I'd have given you all my business."
     
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  21. Maggie5

    Maggie5 Premium Gold

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    This could sit quite comfortably in several other threads.

    2017-10-08_125211.jpg
     
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  22. cakewalk06

    cakewalk06 Team Captain

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    A seal walked into a club
     
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  23. Collingwood 4 eternity

    Collingwood 4 eternity Premiership Player

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    The road painting crew supervisor gave the new guy Paddy the job of painting the white lines on the road.

    After a few days the supervisor called Paddy in to ask about his declining work productivity.

    He asked Paddy why on his first day he was able to paint lines on the road for 10 km , then on his second day he only managed to paint 6 km and on his third day he only painted 3 km , saying to Paddy your painting less and less each day.

    Paddy looked at the supervisor and said "well the tin of paint is getting further away"
     
  24. Collingwood 4 eternity

    Collingwood 4 eternity Premiership Player

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    The local fire brigade was called out to a local townhouse fire.

    Upon arriving the they saw that Seamus was trapped on the second floor and leaning out of the window.

    The fire chief saw that his friend Seamus was trapped and with the other firemen grabbed a large blanket with the intention to get him to jump and land in safely in it.

    The firemen all set up under the window and the fire chief yelled up at Seamus , "Jump and we'll catch you in this blanket"

    Seamus looked down and shook his head , and said "Ohk sure I know you , as soon as I jump you'll pull the blanket away , put the blanket on the ground and then I'll jump"
     
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  25. Tradethefarm

    Tradethefarm Debutant

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    If you are being chased by taxidermists don't try playing dead