Jokes: The Good, The Bad and The Really Bad

[Saintly Viewed]

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia.

The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

 

[Saintly Viewed]

 

[Saintly Viewed]

 

[lyfsux]

Q. What's the most common owl in Australia?

A. Teat

 

[ottoman]

What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?

Boobies.

I gave it a like because it's the lamest joke I have ever heard Saintly.
Stick to quoting mafia movies.

 

[Obese Arachnid]

Q. What's the most common owl in Australia?

A. Teat

Not enough love for this one.

I've already shared it with Mrs OA, who laughed & groaned.

 

[spartan-magpie]

Carlton.

 

[ottoman]

Not enough love for this one.

I've already shared it with Mrs OA, who laughed & groaned.

Must admit I didn't get it.

 

[Obese Arachnid]

Must admit I didn't get it.

Maybe this will help.

 

[ottoman]

Maybe this will help.

nope.
Still not getting it.

 

[ottoman]

Maybe this will help.

penny just dropped

 

[Saintly Viewed]

I gave it a like because it's the lamest joke I have ever heard Saintly.
Stick to quoting mafia movies.

For that you get a bit of scarface:

• "You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend.”

 

[lyfsux]

Must admit I didn't get it.

Was going to put a gap then put TEATowl but thought nah let it sink in eventually peoples will get there

 

[lyfsux]

Q. What do you call fake spaghetti?


A. Impasta

 

[Horaceg]

 

[spendles]

A skeleton walks into a bar he orders a beer and a mop.

 

[Anzacday]

I picked up a book on anti-gravity the other day.
I can't put it down.

 

[Copeland]

A dog ate 2 pieces of string, when they came out the other end they were tied together......I s**t you knot.

 

[Saintly Viewed]

 

[Piestration]

I told my wife the other night that I have finally found the G spot.
She said oh yeah. Where is it.
I said it's in your sister.

 

[Mr Pie]

 

[Mr Pie]

I went to an ISIS birthday party last week.

Musical chairs was slow as f#€k, but pass the parcel went quick.

 

[SwanDaneFan1991]

John and Joe are chatting one day, and John says he has a crook elbow. Joe says to John:

"Hey you know John, you can avoid all the expensive medical bills by using that diagnostic machine they just put into Costco warehouses"

"Fair dinkum?!" John exclaims

"Yeah all you need is a urine sample" Joe advised

John relieved his bladder into a cup and took it to Costco. He placed the sample in the machine, which sprang to life:

"You have tennis elbow. Take plenty of rest, and buy some anti inflammatory pills from the pharmacy near aisle three. Thank you for shopping at Costco!"

John was amazed, but wondered whether the machine could be fooled. He decided to mix:

- a stool sample from his dog

- urine sample from his wife and daughter

- sperm sample from himself

John returned to the store. The machine again sprang to life upon recieving the contents.

"Your dog has a ringworm. This can be relieved by an anti-worming cream found on aisle nine."

"Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her to therapy."

"Your wife is having twins. They aren't yours."

"Your elbow won't heal if you keep beating yourself off!"

"Thank you for shopping at Costco!"

 

[Maggie5]

A couple of months too late but I still think it is funny.

Can I just ask everyone for a big favour please ?

Those of you who are planning to place Christmas lights and decorations in your gardens... can you please avoid anything that is blue and flashing.

Every time I drive by I think it's the police and have a panic attack.

I have to take my foot off the accelerator...toss my beer...fasten my seat belt...throw my phone on the floor...turn my radio down and push the gun under the seat.

It's too much for me to do at such short notice............. thank you all for cooperating and taking my feelings into consideration

 

[DogCoffee]

What’s red and smells like blue paint?