Kapow! the punniest jokes of all time

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7zark7 said:
As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys,tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.
On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.
The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.
He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!
You can imagine he was rather p****d off with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.
All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.
Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.
Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.
With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again.
He went back into the bar where the air was now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.
"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"
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OK, I'll bite. The funk?
 
Two old friends are just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag calls out to them, "Do you mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they say, "You're welcome."

So they start playing and enjoy the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asks the guy, "So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man."

"You're joking!"

"No, I'm not," he says, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," says the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picks up the rifle and looks through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic! I can see right in the window!"

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my next-door neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too! That bitch!"

He turns to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife. She's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour. He's actually a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman takes out the rifle and takes aim, standing perfectly still for about a minute or two.

"Well, are you going to do it or not?" asks the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a second, be patient," says the hitman calmly,





"I think I can save you a thousand bucks here....."
 
treefingers said:
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs and is bleeding? Still bloody no eye-deer
Click to expand...
This is brilliant! How am I the only one that has liked it!!!???
 

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Last edited:
A Dutch person from Vancouver and a Newfie from Newfoundland go into a pastry shop in north Edmonton.

The Dutch guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.

(The baker doesn't notice.)

The Dutch guy says to the Newfie, "You see how clever we are? You Newfies can never beat that!"

The Newfie says to the Dutch guy, "Watch dis, any Newfie is smarter din you, and I'll prove it to ya."

He says to the baker, "Gimme a cookie, I'll show ya a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie, which Newfie promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker, "Gimme anudder cookie for me magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again, "Gimme one more cookie..." The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. The Newfie eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "OK... And now where is your famous magic trick?"

The Newfie says....



" Now look in the Dutch guy's pocket!"
 
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