Coach Ken's Dirty Dozen - 2022 A Retrospective of Failure

Sep 26, 2012
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5-7 is catastrophic however they try to spin it when you're coming off of back to back top 2 finishes and home prelims, and improved your list.

If you'd said the day after that PF that we'd bring in a quality experienced key forward in the offseason and that Marshall, Rozee and SPP would raise their games to prime mover level, you'd think we're a premiership threat.

That each individual game has been trash just compounds the horror that this season has been.
5-7 is flattering considering 2 of those wins were against 18th placed WC and 17th placed North. Even worse was losing to the worst ever Crows side to take the park. Pathetic coach.
 

Loony Juice

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How many Sack Hinkley threads do we need? All of them.

PRELUDE
We entered 2022 shell-shocked after arguably the worst prelim final performance in the history of the game. Full of confidence (And apparently booze, if you're Pistol or SPP) after handily belting Geelong in the QF, we come up against a team that we beat just a few weeks earlier, on our home deck, with a week's rest. Ken Hinkley opts to start Willem Drew (Who in the last game completely shuts out Libba) on the bench, as Libba wins the first 2 centre clearances easily for 2 goals and it's game over within the first 5 minutes. We lose by 71 points in the biggest home state prelim defeat ever recorded. Ken says he "wouldn't change a thing", then makes a cowardly disappearance for the next several months, refusing to acknowledge the defeat and refusing to face the media.

Scared Season 6 GIF by Curb Your Enthusiasm


ROUND ONE - BRISBANE
Both teams come out sluggishly in a sloppy first half. Commentators remark that this isn't one for the time capsule as both teams struggle to get going. We cop a couple of injuries. We have a strong third quarter getting to 4 goals up late in the term. From that point Brisbane switch on and kick the next 6 goals to 1. We lose comfortably despite having more possessions, inside 50s, clearances and a greater disposal efficiency. Lycett towelled up in the ruck 52-26 by the big O and Darcy Fort.

Ken seems pleased. Brisbane are big and scary and they always beat us. We got kinda close, so that's good enough. "We'll win more than we lose if we play like that". No mention of the 5 goals to 1 Brisbane kicked in the last. No acknowledgement that Brisbane actually played like trash for basically 3 quarters of the game and 30 minutes of effort was all it took.

british GIF by Late Night with Seth Meyers


ROUND 2 - HAWTHORN
Oh boy. A tribute match for arguably our greatest ever legend. The broadcast team does its absolute best to honour the occasion by basically completely ignoring it, other than a couple of throwaway lines during the intro. We start off with a classic Hinkley goalless quarter. We lose by 64 points despite:
  • 74 more disposals
  • 12 more inside 50s
  • 24(!) more clearances
  • 5% greater disposal efficiency
  • 19 more tackles
  • 8 more contested possessions
Lycett absolutely towelled up in the ruck against Ned Reeves and the ghost of Big Boy McEvoy. We lose hitouts 29-53.
We go to the bottom of the ladder.


Jim Halpert Reaction GIF


ROUND 3 - ADELAIDE
Big test this week as we come up against the Adelaide juggernaut who have won 10 of their last 46 games. We lead comfortably for 90% of the game before losing in the last minute or two. Absolute gun forwards Elliott Himmelberg and Lachlan Gollant kick 8 goals (Both now confined to the SANFL behind superstars Darcy Fogarty, the old racist, and Riley ThrillHO). How'd big Scotty Lycett go? Lost the hitouts 45-29 to Reilly O'Brien? Oh ok.
The Brilliant Mind™ of Ken Hinkley says he still has faith we can make the finals. (For those playing at home this is a team declared Grand Final or bust)


blink-182 wtf GIF


ROUND 4 - MELBOURNE
Where to start? With the loser coach talking up the opposition as a big challenge and borderline unbeatable in the lead up to the game? How'd we go? Ken comes in with a loser plan of trying to clog the game up as much as possible because he doesn't want to be embarrassed by a big a loss. At this point it's all about Ken trying to keep his ******* job.
We roll out a classic Hinkley goalless first quarter then back it up with another goalless quarter to achieve the rare goalless half (History here in the making!). There's a genuine vibe in the air that we may not score a goal for the entire game. Eventually we slot one near the end of the third quarter. Happy days. Melbourne put the cue in the rack as we score the last 3 goals of the game as we narrowly avoid setting all kinds of records for shittest team ever.
Brilliant Mind™ manages to orchestrate 1 goal from our first 40 inside 50s despite us having 50 more disposals than Melbourne for the game. Just brilliant strategic work. If we chip the ball around in the back half pointlessly, they can't score! Absolute genius stuff.
How'd big Scooter go this week? Oh, lost the hitouts, got 10 touches and his opponent was BOG? No worries.
Ken is still "Bullish" on our finals prospects.

sad tears GIF by Dude Bro Party Massacre III


ROUND 5 - CAAAAAARLTON
The master vs the apprentice! Michael Voss has got the Blues resurgent as they win 3 of their first 4 games. He used to be one of our assistants btw, we decided to replace him with one of the waterboys who likes lifting weights and shirtless selfies.
We were close. So close. At half time we're hilariously about 50 points down and looking on track to lose by 100+. Ken's papers are almost stamped. Annoyingly, Carlton does a Carlton and we kick 9 goals to 2 in the second half to almost win. Almost, but not quite. Another Brilliant Mind™ trademark is the failed comeback where we storm back to within a goal (Sometimes even hit the front) then immediately slam on the brakes and stop.
The genius says well gee losing 5 in a row ain't so bad, who's to say we can't win 5 in a row youse blokes? Have you seen my cabinet of 5 wins in a row certificates? I've got at least 4.

Nancy Pelosi GIF by GIPHY News


ROUND 6 - WEAGLES
Wowee boy oh boy! We're back in town with an 84 point victory. Never mind that this proves to be about par as the Eagles are performing at a level on a par with GWS early days and Fitzroy's last days. Sam Hayes 47 hitouts. I dunno about you but I thought Ken was a superhero after this performance.

Celebrate Yahoo GIF


ROUND 7 - ST KILDA



The brilliant minds of St Kilda wisely decided to sell some of their home games to Cairns. 26 degrees, 10mm of rain and around 85% humidity was the order of the day for one of the most disgusting spectacles of AFL footy since the last time someone played Cairns. Since the early part of the second quarter, St Kilda kick 1 goal 15 behinds in one of the most inaccurate displays of all time. We scrape home by a point in a game that would have been over at half time if they didn't keep missing sitters. In another notable achievement we racked up another Hinkley goalless first quarter. Woohoo!

Homer Today GIF


ROUND 8 - WESTERN BULLFROGS
Arguably our only half decent performance of the year. A win against a middle of the road team missing their best player, with 3 additional injuries during the game. Just for shits and giggles we throw in a Hinkley goalless quarter, but leave it until the end of the game this time instead of the start. In a season highlight, 56kg Cody Weightman decides to try and take out a bloke a foot taller and 50kg heavier than himself. It goes about as well as our season does.

Unimpressed Big Deal GIF by CBC


ROUND 9 - NORF
Another historically bad team, with a percentage hovering around 50%. We win by 69 in front of an AFL rent-a-crowd a big crowd of 5,000 passionate Tasmanian Norf supporters. This proves to be about the going rate for a game against a team that is actively imploding. Four in a row. Could Ken be in line for yet another Five-Win-In-A-Row certificate? His mantlepiece will be getting overcrowded.



Ken Hinkley Football GIF by Port Adelaide FC


ROUND 10 - GEELONG
A chance to see where we're actually at. Four wins in a row, but 2 against teams that would struggle in the SANFL and another one in a game played underwater. A team we last played in the qualifying final and flogged off the park. Yeah, it's at their construction site of a home ground but Geelong are looking to be a fairly mediocre team, going 2-2 in their last 4. Coaching mastermind Ken Hinkley nonetheless talks up the big challenge for the widdle battler club this week.
What do we get? A pus-like performance where we never look to be in the game and only Geelong's shithouse accuracy prevents it from being a complete drubbing (27 scoring shots to 12). Next week, an equally s**t Adelaide Crows team manages to meekly put up more of a fight against the Geebung Juggernaught.

angry magic the gathering GIF


ROUND 11 - ESSINGTON
Woohoo! Another game against an absolute rubbish team. Essington have 2 wins for the year and lost their last two games by an average of 45 points. How does the mighty PawPowa stand up to such a massive challenge?
Well, umm.. we turn in a one goal second half with a classic Hinkley goalless last term. After the first quarter, the mighty Essendon outscores us over the last 3 quarters of the game. Oh yeah, Essendon kick 6 goals 14. An absolute turd of a performance, where if Essendon had been remotely competitive in the first quarter, we would have lost the game.

Meanwhile, the media pumps up the AMAZING TURNAROUND from the BRILLIANT MIND of KEN HINKLEY. Will GWS poach this amazing coach??? The poor widdle battlers better try to hold on to him otherwise we might lose him. Better offer him another 4 years!

Will Ferrell Crazy Pills GIF


ROUND 13 - RICHMOND
Someone has to pay for the poor performance against Essendon. Who should the coach make an example of? Not Motlop, who is 31 years old and set to be delisted. No, let's drop the young ruckman who's had to carry the load because our idiot club trading away our backup ruck for a bag of magic beans. That will surely be effective. We lose the hitouts 41-18, but hey, that's great, we can go back to our gameplan of setting up to losing hitouts and at best halve the contest.
How did the rest of the game go? A middle of the road tigers puts the foot down easily at the PORTRESS and doddles home easily in the last. Ken Hinkley bravely avoids any goalless quarters. We decide when two players run head first into each other that we should just duct tape their heads back on and send them out immediately. It looks very desperate and has zero effect whatsoever as neither player does anything of note the rest of the game.


Enough Is Enough GIF by Election 2020



SeE yOu At ThE fOoTy!

Posts of this magnitude and quality deserve 10x points minimum

Excellent work
 

NoddyHolder

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Mar 2, 2014
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View attachment 1426281

Someone has to come 10th

Says the guy who told us for 2 years how the ladder is a fair representation of where you're at
He doesn't need to look at a ladder. He can afford to pay someone to come around and clean out his gutters and change his light bulbs
 

Loony Juice

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View attachment 1426281

Someone has to come 10th......

Says the guy who told us for 2 years how the ladder is a fair representation of where you're at


Yeah why place any focus on one thing that gives a reasonable indicator of where teams rate in relation to each other?

Is this a twist on a hinkleyism.

Don't judge me at the start of the ladder judge me at the end???
 

drcollossimo

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Jun 22, 2008
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View attachment 1426281

Someone has to come 10th......

Says the guy who told us for 2 years how the ladder is a fair representation of where you're at
The same ******* guy who literally said whats in my signature


Literally judge us when the teams at full strength at the end of the year

After being prison styled for 3 hours Brilliant Mind™️ says look at year as a whole

* me dead if you tried to contrive a story about the total hypocrisy that represents people wouldn’t believe it because it’s too unrealistic yet he did and nobody but us seemed to care or even realise
 
Apr 13, 2006
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I can't remember a Port game I've enjoyed in several years.

I reckon the last Port game I genuinely enjoyed was the mid season game in 2020 against Richmond when there was only 10,000 people let in but the place was rocking. Was a high quality game. We played really well. Ladhams was good from memory. I let myself start to believe....
 

Coobk001

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Mar 26, 2007
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I reckon the last Port game I genuinely enjoyed was the mid season game in 2020 against Richmond when there was only 10,000 people let in but the place was rocking. Was a high quality game. We played really well. Ladhams was good from memory. I let myself start to believe....
Every time I think I can uncross my arms, ie. Rnd 23 2021, the *ers come out and show me within a week or 2 why that was ridiculous.
 
Jul 31, 2005
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View attachment 1426281

Someone has to come 10th......

Says the guy who told us for 2 years how the ladder is a fair representation of where you're at
I honestly thought that was from one of those joke news sources. Unbelievable - don't judge me on results and don't take any notice of the ladder. So what else is a football club for?
 
View attachment 1426281

Someone has to come 10th......

Says the guy who told us for 2 years how the ladder is a fair representation of where you're at
It is not about winning. losing, ladders, premierships, it is all about the vibe man. And with the millions of dollars I have in my pocket I am vibing nicely.
 

Crocodile Dumbdee

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Mar 11, 2021
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Ive never been one to get involved in politics. But this man is now seriously trolling and for the first time ever i couldn't GAF about the Port Adelaide footy club, because they dont GAF about me and us as supporters and members. I've always since a kid been profusely passionate about my club.

I have 100 percent opportunity to drive 6 hours tomorrow from Whyalla with all the road works happening, to watch my team in my in my seats, and i normally would.
But i'm going to stay home, and hope Sydney give us a hiding and not even stress about the drive or the game. Put a fork in me i'm cooked.

Thats not what Port Adelaide supporters are about, but thats what i've become.
 

Crocodile Dumbdee

Cancelled
Mar 11, 2021
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I have pride in my everyday life, yes i fck up. But i have pride in my morals, enough to say if things are ridiculous just walk away and admit defeat, it takes a man/woman to do that.

This man cannot walk away with any pride and admit defeat.

Try again in another scope of life instead of making an a-hole of yourself and upsetting a massive group of people. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
 
Apr 13, 2006
32,868
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The Bitter End
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Ive never been one to get involved in politics. But this man is now seriously trolling and for the first time ever i couldn't GAF about the Port Adelaide footy club, because they dont GAF about me and us as supporters and members. I've always since a kid been profusely passionate about my club.

I have 100 percent opportunity to drive 6 hours tomorrow from Whyalla with all the road works happening, to watch my team in my in my seats, and i normally would.
But i'm going to stay home, and hope Sydney give us a hiding and not even stress about the drive or the game. Put a fork in me i'm cooked.

Thats not what Port Adelaide supporters are about, but thats what i've become.

I'd be going to watch West v Central in the Whyalla match of the day if I was you Piston
 

Crocodile Dumbdee

Cancelled
Mar 11, 2021
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You can actually know, in the unlikelihood we win tomorrow Ken will pump his fist in the box, and lip readers will get this.

" Fu you Big Footy Port Board!!!!! "
 
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