Lame Jokes Part 2

[20tenben]

So bad it's good

How do you catch a unique animal?

U neek up on it.

 

[20tenben]

How do you catch a tame animal?


Tame way.

 

[Mofra]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Amos
Amos who?
Amosquito

Know Knock
Who's there?
Anna
Anna who?
Annatha mosquito

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What did one magnet say to the other?

You're very attractive.

 

[Double the Fist]

You - Why did the chicken cross the road?

Mate - Dunno...

You - To see the idiot....


You - Knock, Knock?

Mate - Whos there?

You - The chicken...

 

[worbod]

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

We'd better perk up or people will think we're nuts.

 

[worbod]

What do you call a hen staring at tomatoes and lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

 

[Mitchell54]

What more red than Julia Gillards hair?

Tony Abbotts face after running 100m.

 

[Damp Squarie]

Two irishman were looking at a Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.
One said to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, the youngest irishman asks his pal, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalogue?'
The second irishman replies......"No, but it shouldnt be long now, all her clothes arrived yesterday!!"

 

[Damp Squarie]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

 

[Hard Ball Get]

What do you call a hen staring at tomatoes and lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.

Heard a similar one.
What do you call a chicken that is dating lettuce. Checked sees a salad.

 

[Hard Ball Get]

What do you call a gay chick pea?

A humusexual.

 

[worbod]

One day, a first-grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. The teacher read, “... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’”

The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think the farmer said?”

One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy s**t! A talking chicken!’”

 

[Damp Squarie]

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend :
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said" What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

[Xenthor]

What do you call a burned down Woolworths?


Coles

 

[Moo]

My grandfather gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

He said "It's worth spending money on a good set of speakers"

 

[Double the Fist]

Did you hear about the Chameleon who chould'nt change colour?


He had a Reptile Dysfunction





...... is this thing on?

* taps microphone....

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What happened to Mozart after he died?

Nothing, he decomposed.

 

[Damp Squarie]

A bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says, "You remind me of my little toe..."
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute..?" He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk..."

 

[Double the Fist]

Sheesh, General Practitioners in this country are getting bad.
I went to the doctor the other day, wincing with pain. I said, "Doc! What can you give me for wind!?"

I left the building with a ****ing kite!

 

[5 GB USB]

I've started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t got a gig yet.

I've got 5 gigs

 

[worbod]

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents.

 

[Double the Fist]

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents.

Went to my GP again the other day. I says to him, 'one day I think I'm a wig wam, the next a tee pee!'
He said I was just to tense......

 

[Double the Fist]

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents.

 

[Moo]

if Hitler was reincarnated as a sea creature what would he be?

Adolfin