Lame Jokes Part 2

[worbod]

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too”, and then he dies.

 

[Procrastinator35]

I've just started learning Auslan. It's extremely handy.

You're a master at these lame jokes....Some blue pills will help you overcome that limp.

 

[GreyCrow]

Old guy mixed his haemorrhoid pills with his Viagra. Stiff s**t

 

[Procrastinator35]

Old guy mixed his hemorrhoid pills with his Viagra. Stiff s**t

Wrong kinda stretch.

 

[Damp Squarie]

A bloke went to see the Council’s Human Resources Manager to apply for a job.

The Manager asked him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replied, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever done military service?"

"Yes," he said, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The Manager said, "That will give you five extra points towards employment under our ‘Preferential Recruitment’ policy."

Then he asked, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The bloke said, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The Manager grimaced and then said, "Disabled in your Country's service! Well, that qualifies you under our ‘Special Needs’ policy."

"Okay, looking at the regulations, you have enough points for me to hire you right now."

"Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am. Report to the Works Foreman and you can
plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The bloke was puzzled and asked, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a Council job," the Manager said.

"For the first two hours, they just stand around drinking coffee and scratching their nuts. No point in you coming in for that!"

 

[worbod]

What coloured socks do grizzlys wear?

They don't wear socks, they have bear feet.

 

[GreyCrow]

(I posted this on the Crows draft thread)


I hope we draft a scuba diver - but just for depth

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What coloured socks do grizzlys wear?

They don't wear socks, they have bear feet.

You're in good form Worbod.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Knock knock.
Who's there.
Cargo.
Cargo who.
Car go beep beep.

 

[worbod]

You're in good form Worbod.

Just wait until I sober up!

 

[Jamaylor]

I think most of these are too good for a "lame joke" thread

 

[worbod]

Why did Billy take a prune to the restaurant?

Because he couldn't find a date.

 

[GreyCrow]

Greg Louganis tried out for the American Soccer team. He missed out because as a diver he was out of his depth

 

[Procrastinator35]

Why did Billy take a prune to the restaurant?

Because he couldn't find a date.

Are you sober now?

 

[Procrastinator35]

What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?.....Eileen.

What do you call her thinner twin sister?......Lena.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?.....Eileen.

What do you call her thinner twin sister?......Lena.

What about their Tennis playing cousin?

Annette.

 

[Procrastinator35]

What about their Tennis playing cousin?

Annette.

You're terrible Muriel.

 

[Deliverance]

A duck walks in to a bar:
"Got any bread?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
"No, and if you ask again I'm going to nail you to the bar"
"Got any nails?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"

 

[DroopStDanny]

What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?.....Eileen.

Don't forget her Japanese cousin - Irene

 

[GreyCrow]

Don't forget her Japanese cousin - Irene

Looks left - looks right

What does a female robot buy every month?

An Ipad

 

[GreyCrow]

Went shopping for camouflage pants.

Couldn't find them anywhere

 

[worbod]

I went to a nightclub recently and saw a man and a woman dancing together wrapped up in a barcode. I asked them, "Are you two an item?"

 

[RedmanWasHere]

I went to a nightclub recently and saw a man and a woman dancing together wrapped up in a barcode. I asked them, "Are you two an item?"

Thanks Tim Vine.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Yanked from my own Facebook profile.

If I was at a gun shop taking a circular photo but it stopped halfway, would that make it a semi panoramic?

 

[worbod]

A man and a woman are in bed preparing to go to sleep. The woman asks the man, "Darling, have you set the alarm for seven?"

The man replies, "Why, there's only two of us."

(Thanks Spike Milligan)