Lame Jokes Part 2

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Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes... I am, but let me ask you something...

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in ****en Bunnings.o_O"
 
ArgusTuft said:
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes... I am, but let me ask you something...

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in ****en Bunnings.o_O"
Click to expand...
No better place to get a snag.
 

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After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her carefully, then said, 'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.'
'What does that mean?' she asked suspiciously.
He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!'
She beamed at him happily and said: 'Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?'
He replied: 'I'm Just Kidding!'
 
The SES have warned that anyone travelling in the current bushfire conditions should take blankets, overnight bag with change of clothes and toiletries, protective hat and gloves, 24 hours supply of food and water, battery-powered generator, a torch, emergency contact information and all medications.

I felt like a right idiot on the bus.
 

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An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the man, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Joe," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Joe?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain :'( in his voice, and without moving, Joe replied ........ "The balcony.”

_________________
 
Thought my wife was joking when she wanted to go to a Monkees' concert in Switzerland.
Then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva.
 
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that weare officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begorra!' o_Osays Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on, we have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers, also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!'o_O says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes, my military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
Since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!'o_Osays Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr.Sarkozy!
'I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really?:huh: I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy, 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'We had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of chips, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners...
 
While golfing, I overturned the golf cart late one afternoon.

A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?"
"I’m OK, thanks," I replied, as I pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, we'll put some ice on those bruises, and I’ll help you get the cart up later."

I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.

"That’s very nice of you," I answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now!" she insisted.

She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.

I am very weak.

"Well, OK," I finally agreed.
After a couple of beers, a Scotch or two, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."

"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open.

"Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"

I replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."
 
Who led the Jews through a semi-permeable membrane?

Osmoses
 
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