Lame Jokes Part 2

[worbod]

I hear Bo Derek is making a new movie about the story of William Tell: it's called "Bo and Arrow".

 

[GreyCrow]

I hear Bo Derek is making a new movie about the story of William Tell: it's called "Bo and Arrow".

10 out of ten for that one

 

[Double the Fist]

What do you call a Russian with Tourettes?

Youkanall Fukov

 

[Wallaby]

It's pancake day and as always, my wife has made them too thin.

I shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.

 

[Wallaby]

The wife said to me - 'I have blisters on my hands from using the broom'.
I said - 'Next time. take the car'.

 

[Wallaby]

I went to the doctor for my annual checkup I said 'Doc, am I going to live a long and happy life'?
He said 'I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now'.
I said 'I don't believe all that astrology crap'.
He said 'Neither do I. My thermometer just broke'.




Aaaaaand - I'm done.

 

[Xtreme]

ROBIN: You didn't name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN: ..............
BATMAN: OK, yes, there's bat-shampoo
ROBIN: ...............
BATMAN: But there's also conditioner gordon

 

[Damp Squarie]

I got thrown out of the Chemist today.
I only asked the woman behind the counter, "Do you take it up the arse love, or do you swallow it..?"
She went ballistic!! **** knows what I'm supposed to do with these suppositories.

 

[Damp Squarie]

What's the problem?" The doctor asked.
I replied, "When I urinate, it smells of anything that I've eaten or drunk.
For instance, if I eat donuts it smells of donuts.
If I eat chicken it smells of chicken.
If I drink coffee it smells of coffee.
What can I do to make my piss smell like piss doctor?"
"Have you tried drinking Fosters?"

 

[worbod]

Who was the oldest member of Abba?

Bjorn: he was Bjorn before anyone else.

 

[Wallaby]

I used to be in a few bands that became quite famous - after a line-up change.

There was Crosby, Stills, Nash, Young and Wallaby,
WABBA,
Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich and Wallaby,
and,
The Jackson Six.

 

[Marklar_33]

I used to be in a few bands that became quite famous - after a line-up change.

There was Crosby, Stills, Nash, Young and Wallaby,
WABBA,
Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich and Wallaby,
and,
The Jackson Six.

John&
Paul&
Ringo&
George&
Wallaby

 

[00Stinger]

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked,

“Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?'

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered,

'I guess you'd be eating alone.'

 

[Wallaby]

Just a brief message, as I am currently in hospital suffering from a major concussion. Not sure what happened.

.........................................
I was talking to the wife.
She said she had some clothes to donate to the op-shop.
I said, 'Just throw them away. Save time'.
She said, 'But there are starving people who could use these clothes!'
I said, 'Anyone who fits your clothes is not starving'.
......................................

Next thing I know, I'm here.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

(Pointing to the person next to them.)

Sorry for this.
I have a bad case of Irritable Pal Syndrome.

 

[worbod]

My new workplace told me to choose a computer password which featured eight characters so I picked Snow White and the seven dwarfs.

 

[Wallaby]

Game of golf today - played very badly. Only hit two good balls all day.

Stood on the rake in a bunker.

 

[Damp Squarie]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's enjoying it, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.

Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, he somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"...He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

[worbod]

I just burnt a Hawaiian pizza. I guess I should have used aloha temperature.

 

[GreyCrow]

That joke is so old it has a crust on it

 

[worbod]

A man was visiting Melbourne Zoo the other day when he leaned over too far into the aardvark enclosure and was scratched by the frightened animal. The man was told that he would recover quickly from his wounds because essentially aardvark never hurt anyone.

 

[worbod]

I just noticed this thread has been going for over 7 years now and has more than 5,200 posts. I guess this proves funny things do happen on the way to the forum.

 

[GreyCrow]

Is it true that Captain Cook discovered Melbourne?

Na na na na Batman

 

[Damp Squarie]

An elderly old bloke is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

[worbod]

After a woman has a sex change, what religion does she follow?

She would become a he, then.