Lame Jokes Part 2

[Hard Ball Get]

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
"No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

 

[worbod]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mandy.
Mandy who?
Mandy lifeboats. De ship's a sinkin'.

 

[worbod]

Can anybody explain this one to me?

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office with a pancake on his head, a fried egg on each shoulder and a rasher of bacon over each ear.
"Okay," says the psychiatrist, "what seems to be the problem?"
"I'm worried about my brother," says the man.

 

[raskolnikov]

Apparently a new nightclub called Mars has opened up in Melbourne. Some people say it's out of this world, while others say it lacks atmosphere.

 

[Procrastinator35]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mandy.
Mandy who?
Mandy lifeboats. De ship's a sinkin'.

You seem to have the knack of this thread down-pat.

Can anybody explain this one to me?

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office with a pancake on his head, a fried egg on each shoulder and a rasher of bacon over each ear.
"Okay," says the psychiatrist, "what seems to be the problem?"
"I'm worried about my brother," says the man.

Beats me.....Though I reckon his wrist action on the frying-pan flipping could use some work.

 

[GreyCrow]

Can anybody explain this one to me?

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office with a pancake on his head, a fried egg on each shoulder and a rasher of bacon over each ear.
"Okay," says the psychiatrist, "what seems to be the problem?"
"I'm worried about my brother," says the man.

Best I can come up with is the articles of food are implied craziness but the punch line is his brother ie he doesnt think the food is an issue

 

[TMFKAV]

Can anybody explain this one to me?

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office with a pancake on his head, a fried egg on each shoulder and a rasher of bacon over each ear.
"Okay," says the psychiatrist, "what seems to be the problem?"
"I'm worried about my brother," says the man.

Bahahahahaha
That's funny

On [device_name] using BigFooty.com mobile app

 

[worbod]

A man tells his friend that his wife is one of twins. "It must be difficult telling them apart," says the friend.
"Oh it is," says the man. "Especially now her brother has shaved off is beard."

 

[worbod]

How do you know if you're ugly?

Your dog keeps its eyes closed while it's humping your leg.

 

[GreyCrow]

How do you know if you're really really ugly? The dog humps the lounge

 

[worbod]

A nude male statue and a nude female statue have been standing facing each other in the middle of the town park for 100 years. A pixie sees them and decides to give them a reward. The pixie tells the statues, "For enduring 100 blazing summers and 100 freezing winters I am going to make you come to life for one night so you can do whatever you want."
And with a flash the statues come to life and immediately run off together into the bushes. Sounds of rustling and shrieks of pleasure follow and a few minutes later the pair of statues emerge into the open.
"You still have some time left," says the pixie. "Do you want to do it again?"
"Okay," says the female statue to the male statue, "but this time you hold the pigeon down while I crap on it."

 

[worbod]

Two old ladies are talking. One tells the other, "My husband bought me a bunch of flowers last night. You know what this means? I'm going to have to spend all weekend with my legs in the air."
"Oh dear," says her friend. "Do you not have a vase?"

 

[worbod]

Prince Charles is on an official visit to Middlesborough. The mayor welcomes him at the station but notices the prince is wearing a strange red fur hat with a tail hanging down the side.
"Why are you wearing that hat?" asks the mayor.
"Well," says the prince, "I told Mother I was going to Middlesborough and she said, 'Wear the fox hat!'"

 

[worbod]

Patient: “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
Doctor: “That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
Patient: “Yes, we took a vote and they’re in favour of it 17 to 2.”

 

[Duritz]

These jokes are better than the ones in the pearlers only thread

 

[Procrastinator35]

Two old ladies are talking. One tells the other, "My husband bought me a bunch of flowers last night. You know what this means? I'm going to have to spend all weekend with my legs in the air."
"Oh dear," says her friend. "Do you not have a vase?"

Pearlers thread dude.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

One lawn.

Two lawn.

Three lawn.

Forlorn.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

--> Definition. (High Definition.)











Definition. (Low Definition.)

 

[worbod]

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her it's over between us. I am so Ruth-less.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

I just got money from a midget.

I was short changed.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Avoiding jokes about clothes is Nylon impossible.

 

[worbod]

I buy all my guns from a guy known as T-Rex. He's a short arms dealer.

 

[GreyCrow]

I buy all my guns from a guy known as T-Rex. He's a short arms dealer.

That jokes as old as the dinosaurs

 

[Wallaby]

I have a phobia about speed humps.

Slowly getting over it.

 

[worbod]

I heard on The News today that fish and chip shop owners will be increasing the price of fish by 10 percent from next week. This is believed to be another example of flake news.