Lame Jokes Part 2 | Page 219 | BigFooty

Lame Jokes Part 2

Discussion in 'Humour and Games Board' started by Hard Ball Get, Aug 29, 2010.

  1. Wallaby

    Wallaby Norm Smith Medallist

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    I bought my friend an elephant for his living room.

    He said 'Thanks!'.

    I said 'Don't mention it'.
     

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  2. ArgusTuft

    ArgusTuft Baghdad Batwoman

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    Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

    Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

    Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

    The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast.' ................................Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
     
  3. worbod

    worbod Premiership Player

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    Knock knock.
    Who's there?
    Dishes.
    Dishes who?
    Dishes Sean Connery.
     
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  4. worbod

    worbod Premiership Player

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    What did the bra say to the hat?

    You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift
     
  5. worbod

    worbod Premiership Player

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    What is Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

    Haaaaannndd eeeeeeeyyyyyeeee
     
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  6. worbod

    worbod Premiership Player

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    Why did the vision impaired man fall down a well?

    He couldn't see that well.
     
  7. Procrastinator35

    Procrastinator35 Hall of Famer

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    You certainly have this format down-pat.
     
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  8. RedmanWasHere

    RedmanWasHere Rarely in kitchens at parties.

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    But surprisingly not the most capped in this thread.

    That goes to Quadzilla.
     
  9. Procrastinator35

    Procrastinator35 Hall of Famer

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    At least those two know the difference between a lame-duck & a pearler.

    One can't say the same for other posters.
     
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  10. RedmanWasHere

    RedmanWasHere Rarely in kitchens at parties.

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    True.

    BTW, here's something for you.


    I don't need a spine.
    It's holding me back.
     
  11. Procrastinator35

    Procrastinator35 Hall of Famer

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    Q.....What did the spineless jelly-fish say to the other spineless jelly-fish?

    A....You & I have the perfect physique to be politicians.
     
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  12. RedmanWasHere

    RedmanWasHere Rarely in kitchens at parties.

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    I want there to be milk which helps you sit very well.

    Posturised milk.
     
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  13. GreyCrow

    GreyCrow Hall of Famer

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    I want mine delivered on a Lazy Susan

    Past-your-eyes
     
  14. Wallaby

    Wallaby Norm Smith Medallist

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    I just deleted all the German contacts off my phone. It's Hans free.
     
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  15. worbod

    worbod Premiership Player

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    Two electric windmills are standing in a field. One turns to the other and asks, "What kind of music do you like?"
    The second one replies, "I'm a huge metal fan."
     
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  16. GreyCrow

    GreyCrow Hall of Famer

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    Two grumpy old fans heard this exchange and one turned to the other and said 'I prefer Blowin in the wind '
     
  17. ArgusTuft

    ArgusTuft Baghdad Batwoman

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    This bloke sat next to me on the train, pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful isn't she?"
    I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my boyfriend mate!"
    He said, "Why? Is he a stunner?"
    I said, "No, he's an optician!"
     
  18. worbod

    worbod Premiership Player

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    Why did the fish get bad grades?

    Because it was below sea level.
     
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  19. worbod

    worbod Premiership Player

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    I'm thinking of getting a job as a brain tumour surgeon. I hear it's a real growth industry.
     
  20. ArgusTuft

    ArgusTuft Baghdad Batwoman

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    Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

    With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

    After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

    The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

    'Gee, Mum,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

    'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.':p
     
  21. Wallaby

    Wallaby Norm Smith Medallist

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    It's not so easy as you think to donate a kidney.

    They ask all sorts of awkward questions, like, " Where did you get it?" and "Whose is it?"
     
  22. Xtreme

    Xtreme Brownlow Medallist

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    A phone walks into a bar & says to a modem "Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I feel a strong connection."
     
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  23. RedmanWasHere

    RedmanWasHere Rarely in kitchens at parties.

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    What do you call an Italian man with a fully sick convertible?

    Carlo.
     
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  24. GreyCrow

    GreyCrow Hall of Famer

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    A Mexican without a map?

    Carlos
     
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