Lame Jokes Part 2

[Double the Fist]

Why don't Ants get sick?


Becasue they have lots of Anty-bodies.......




Here all week folks!

 

[Mofra]

What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of co-ordination?

Hand-eyeeeeeeeeeeyeeeeei

 

[Damp Squarie]

Then there was the bloke that was killed by a shark on his honeymoon...
He didn't suffer for very long, he was only married for 10 days...!

 

[spenze]

My budgie flew out of it's cage a few months ago and started shagging the dog....



I got some puppies going cheep if anyones interested?

 

[Bunkdar]

 

[Bunkdar]

My budgie flew out of it's cage a few months ago and started shagging the dog....



I got some puppies going cheep if anyones interested?

my first dog
i got from the pound
it slung its red rocket at me first night in bed

budgie wooda been much easier

 

[DroopStDanny]

I just found a coupon for 31 complimentary bowls of ice-cream at Wendy's.

It'll take me a month of sundaes to use it.

 

[Damp Squarie]

During my annual check-up, I asked my Doctor, "So Doc, do you think I'll have a long and healthy life then..?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow...Mercury is in Uranus right now..."
I said, "Sorry Doc, but I don't go in for any of that astrology I'm afraid..."
He replied, "Neither do I, my thermometer just broke..!"

 

[Damp Squarie]

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said, "That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"

"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

 

[Damp Squarie]

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"No, just here for a few days."

 

[Damp Squarie]

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the hubby were going to commit suicide together yesterday.

Strangely enough, however, once he killed himself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought – **** it, I'll soldier on.

 

[Damp Squarie]

Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?"
Candidate: "Honesty."
Interviewer: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Candidate: "I don't give a f*** what you think."

 

[worbod]

My wife and I are expecting a daughter any day now. We're going to name her Delicious Pink-Lady Jonathon Jazz. She'll be apples.

 

[Damp Squarie]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

 

[Damp Squarie]

Upon introduction whenever someone says to me, "You look so familiar, where do I know you from..?
I like to respond with, "Do you watch pr0n..?

 

[Damp Squarie]

To the d***head who accused me of following his wife home last night...
I know where you live...!

 

[Damp Squarie]

I was in my local newsagents this morning.
I asked this pretty little lass behind the counter, "Do you keep stationary?"
She left me red faced when she replied, "Only to begin with, then I go like a far king rabbit".

 

[worbod]

What did Peter Garrett's first girlfriend say to him when he walked into her bedroom with his hands in his pockets?

"Put down that weapon."

 

[AAACockburn]

Spoiler: Not for easily offended people

Why don't Jews go down on women?

Because it is too close to the gas chamber.

 

[DroopStDanny]

Why are lettuces green?









Cos.

 

[GreyCrow]

Who do you see if you are in financial dire straits?

Consultants of cha-ching

 

[Xtreme]

Why did the golfer change his pants?
Because he got a hole in one!

 

[Double the Fist]

My parents were Dwarfs. When we were young, they found it hard to put food on the table.

 

[Procrastinator35]

My parents were Dwarfs. When we were young, they found it hard to put food on the table.

I just got mugged last night by 6 Dwarfs.

Not Happy.

 

[Double the Fist]

I just got mugged last night by 6 Dwarfs.

Not Happy.

6 Dwarfs all in a bath feeling Happy.

So Happy got out....