Grandpa takes his grandson little Johnny fishing in a local pond after school one day. After 20 minutes of fishing, Grandpa fires up a cigar. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Grandpa asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your assh*le?" Little Johnny says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and Grandpa opens a beer. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa asks, "Son, can your d*ck touch your assh*le?" Little Johnny says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer." Another 20 minutes passes, and little Johnny opens a bag of potato chips. Grandpa asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" Little Johnny asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your d*ck touch your assh*le?" Grandpa says, "It sure can." Little Johnny says, "Well good, then go f*ck yourself, these are my chips."
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A blond lady and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blond lady, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.".
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00". This catches the her attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon? "she doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and co workers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the lady, and hands her $500.00. The she says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the lady and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the she reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
When magician Roy Horn from Siegfried and Roy died earlier this year he went to Heaven and St. Peter admitted him through the Pearly Gates. As soon as he entered Heaven, two figures appeared before him - a large white tiger and big band leader Glenn Miller.
Glenn Miller indicates the tiger and asks, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who tried to chew your face off?"