Lame Jokes Part 2

[Deliverance]

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?


There was nothing left but de brie.

How do you encourage a grizzlie with cheese?

Camembert

 

[Deliverance]

What do you call cheese that's someone else?

Na cho cheese

 

[Deliverance]

What did the cheese say, when it saw itself in the mirror?

Hallou mi

 

[Andrewy]

When should you keep an eye on your cheese?



When it's up to no Gouda!

 

[Andrewy]

Why did the cheese lose a fight with a stone?


Because the Roquefort back

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What do you get if you cross Boney M with Taco?

Rasputin on the Ritz.

 

[Deliverance]

What does a Hindu?


Lays eggs

 

[emuboy]

The police are doing a patrol of a busy 80 km per hour road when they observe a car traveling at 20 km per hour. It continues to travel at this speed for some time, and the police pull over the vehicle. Inside there is an elderly couple, the husband at the wheel looking calm and relaxed, but in the passenger seat the wife is clutching a handle, absolutely rigid and has a look of abject terror on her face.

"Sir, could you please explain why you were driving at 20 km/hour on this road?" the first policeman asks.

The old man looks confused. "But officer, the speed limit on this road is 20 km per hour. I saw this blue sign with 20 on it."

The first policeman realizes what has happened and laughs. "No sir, the blue sign is to advise of the road number, and this road is road number 20. The speed limit is 80 km per hour, and the speed limit signs are white signs with black numbers inside a red circle."

The elderly man looks relieved. "Oh, I'm sorry officer, thanks for clarifying that. I promise you it won't happen again."

As this was a simple misunderstanding easily sorted out the police decide not to issue an infringement. "That's okay sir, you have a nice day."

The two police officers turn to leave, but notice that the wife is still in a catatonic state in the front passenger seat, her face still etched in terror. "Actually sir, before you go, can we just ask if your wife is okay? She doesn't need a doctor?" asks the second police officer.

The old man shakes his head. "No officers, I think she should be fine. She's been that way ever since we were driving along Road 210, and she was just the same the other day when we took Road 180."

 

[philreich]

What do you get if you cross Boney M with Taco?

Rasputin on the Ritz.

Did you hear about the Irish inventor, who crossed a red hot poker with a forget me not, and came up with a painful reminder?

 

[Andrewy]

Have you ever tried to catch a fog?


I tried yesterday but I mist.

 

[Andrewy]

You think swimming with sharks is expensive?


Swimming with sharks nearly cost me an arm and a leg

 

[Deliverance]

You think swimming with sharks is expensive?


Swimming with sharks nearly cost me an arm and a leg

I went swimming with dolphins. They made us wear dolphin suits to blend in.

I needed that like I needed a hole in the head.

 

[Andrewy]

I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory.


I’ll beheading there shortly

 

[Andrewy]

What do you get when you rub two oranges together?


Pulp friction

 

[GreyCrow]

I called my dog 5 miles so I can say I walked 5 miles each night

 

[Andrewy]

I called my dog 5 miles so I can say I walked 5 miles each night

Why did the pirate walk the plank?

His dog was back on land

 

[Andrewy]

3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them.
So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.

 

[Andrewy]

Don’t trust people that do acupuncture, they’re backstabbers

 

[Andrewy]

I am addicted to seaweed.

I must seek kelp

 

[Andrewy]

How well did I just hang up that picture?


I absolutely nailed it.

 

[Andrewy]

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.


You have my Word.

 

[Wallaby]

I just bought Bonnie Tyler's car. It's crap.

Every now and then it falls apart

 

[Wallaby]

Man goes to the doctor for a checkup. Doc says, 'I'm sorry, your condition is terminal'.

Man: 'How long have I got?'
Doc: 'Five'.
Man: 'Five what? Months? Years?'
Doc: 'Four'.

 

[Andrewy]

Yesterday I found an old lamp, rubbed it clean and a genie appeared.
The genie said, "OK Andy, What’s your first wish?”
I answered, “I wish I was rich.”
And the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich.”

 

[Andrewy]

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.


There will be no coffin at his funeral