Lame Jokes Part 2

[Mofra]

I asked my instructor what happens if my parachute doesn't open.
He said you’re jumping to a conclusion.

You don't actually need a parachite to skydive.
You do need a parachiute if you want to skydive more than once.

 

[Wallaby]

You don't actually need a parachite to skydive.
You do need a parachiute if you want to skydive more than once.

Saw an ad on Gumtree

"For Sale. Parachute. Never Opened. Slightly stained."

 

[Wallaby]

Saw an ad on Gumtree

"For Sale. Parachute. Never Opened. Slightly stained."

Actually - I remember an old girlfriend I once had. She was into skydiving, and suffered from IBS.

Unfortunately, she shat on me from a great height.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

A man and a woman go out on a date.

The man asks the woman "what do you do for a living?"
The woman replies "I work with teeth. I help fix them."
The woman asks the man "what do you do for a living?"
The man replies "I also work with teeth. I help fix them too."

How coincidental.

 

[philreich]

Earlier today, I was reminiscing about the good old days, when you could take a $10 note down to the local store, and pick up 2kg of lamb chops, 2 loaves of bread and a bottle of milk, and still have around $4.50 in change.

Can't do that these days - there's too many security cameras.

 

[worbod]

What did C.S. Lewis keep in his wardrobe?

Narnia business.

 

[philreich]

You don't actually need a parachite to skydive.
You do need a parachiute if you want to skydive more than once.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving probably isn't for you.

 

[Wallaby]

I'm schizophrenic. I know a couple of great jokes, but they're just between me.

 

[worbod]

I’m afraid of negative numbers. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

 

[Wallaby]

The inventor of the USB stick has died.

At his funeral, they lowered his coffin into the grave, then pulled it out, turned it around and put it back in again.

 

[philreich]

I'm schizophrenic. I know a couple of great jokes, but they're just between me.

I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What do you get if you cross a Colombian singer with an item of Mexican food?

Shakiriyaki.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Whenever he made them, did anyone ever call Heath Shaw

23

Heath Shaw

Age

38

Ht

183cm

Wt

86kg

Pos.

Def

Career

Season

Last 5

D

21.0

5star

K

15.8

5star

HB

5.2

4star

M

6.3

5star

T

2.4

4star

MG

472.4

5star

D

14.5

3star

K

11.0

4star

HB

3.5

2star

M

5.0

5star

T

1.6

3star

MG

244.0

4star

D

13.4

4star

K

9.6

4star

HB

3.8

3star

M

5.8

5star

T

1.4

4star

's kicking errors 'Shawshanks?'

 

[Xtreme]

It’s important to be with someone you are compatible in bed with. I don’t mean sex, I mean someone who’s snoring or blanket stealing doesn’t make you want to kill them

 

[dusty1234!]

I asked Santa for a white Christmas in Australia this year….
he winked at me and said “jingle my balls baby”

 

[worbod]

Whenever he made them, did anyone ever call Heath Shaw's kicking errors 'Shawshanks?'

There was the potential for this to happen one day, and it kind of did, not with Heath Shaw but with Matt Shaw from Gold Coast. The day was round 5, 2015. I had just arrived home from a long drive and as I turned off my car I sat and listened to the footy broadcast for a few moments of the game between Gold Coast and Brisbane Lions. At one point Matt Shaw took a kick but it came off his boot badly and the radio commentator described this by saying Shaw had shanked his kick. For the next few minutes I desperately hoped that Shaw could gather another kick and score a goal so that the commentator could then state there had been a Shaw shank redemption. But alas!

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What do you call a footballer who's become a car?

Brendan Fevolvo.

 

[worbod]

I always enjoy eating cold leftover Christmas meats on Boxing Day. They make great sandwiches. My favourite meat is the honeyed ham. I'm planning to have my fair share but if the ham runs out I guess I'll have to go cold turkey.

 

[GreyCrow]

I'd have no beef with that

 

[Wallaby]

Turkey is fowl. I wasn't feeling well over christmas, so I just ate salami, procuitto, chorizo and ham, and I'm nearly completely cured.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What do you call a comedian who's always hanging around?

Tim Vine.

 

[Wallaby]

I just swallowed an entire box of Scrabble tiles.

I have a huge pain in the gut, but I'm afraid to go to the toilet - it could spell disaster.

 

[philreich]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Boland.

Boland who?

Boland de Poms out for bugger all.

 

[philreich]

So Steve Smith spent 55 minutes stuck in a lift last night. If he'd been an Englishman, he would have been out sooner.

 

[emuboy]

Which is the preferred social media site for cicadas?

TikTok